


Angst Next Door

by triggermoreliketiger



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: Also please read triggers, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, And no idea how to work it out, Angst, Blood, Depression, Eating Disorders, Generally speaking they have a problem, Human! Sides AU, Lots of Angst, Lots of tears, M/M, Mutual Pining, Ocassional Fluff, Pining, Prinxiety - Freeform, Read at Your Own Risk, Roman has a lot of dilemmas, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicide Attempt, This is dark story please be careful, and virgil's really sad, slowburn, sweethearts, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-20 14:58:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 86,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13149084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triggermoreliketiger/pseuds/triggermoreliketiger
Summary: In which Virgil Sanders is awkward, sad, unsocial and in addition leads a secret life of a leader of a rockband. Trying to find his place in the society he enrolls to a college where he meets an unique group of friends made of a threate geek, nerdy chess player and human version of cookie.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING!**  
>  **Self-harm, suicide implications, alcohol addiction, eating disorder, depression, heavy anxiety attacks**  
> !!! You’ve been warned !!!  
>  Seriously if you are a sensitive person I beg you not to read this. I don't want any complaints because this story won't have many butterflies and unicorns in it!
> 
> This story will have two different point of views. Obviously one is Roman’s and one is Virgil’s. I will make sure to write which one is which. Also this is my first story here. It’s gonna be chaptered. Enjoy I guess.  
> PS Also, yes. Elliot means Elliot from Thomas’ Cartoon Therapy series because why not.

Chapter 1.

Virgil’s POV

  
Virgil nervously squeezes the strap of his big black bag. He wants to call Elliot so badly but he also knows that it would be super-awkward to meet his new dorm-mates while talking on the phone. The elevator dings, letting him know that indeed he has reached his floor.  
“3rd floor.” Announces the speaker and doors opens showing long, light corridor with many doors. Virgil can hear voices talking from behind the walls. And it makes him feel uncomfortable.

  
_“Look at this new guy. Pathetic.”_

  
_“What’s with his dark eye-bags?”_

  
_“A guitar? Seriously? Can this get even more emo?”_

  
He knows that there’s no way these people see him but voices in his head knew better. And this is just a beginning. His legs are shaking as he quietly passes another doors.

  
405…  
406..  
407…  
408…  
409!  
Here it is.

 

The door to his new room.

  
Virgil shifts his weight from one legs on another and once again makes sure that his sleeves ian’t revealing any piece of his skin. His scars are itchy but he decides to ignore that. He doesn’t want his new dorm-mates to instantly know about white and red lines on his arms. He hesitantly raises his hand, his anxiety kicking him hard right in the stomach. His heart’s pounding and his body feels hot. This means nothing good. He takes long and deep breath. It’s not much of a help but whatever. He presses the door-bell.

 

Roman’s POV

  
“Say whatever you want but no one is going to be as amazing as Thomas.” Puffs Roman for the nth time this morning “He was funny, he was cute, smart and intelligent. And on the top of that he had a nice butt.”

  
“Ro, you’re gayness is showing.” Huffs Logan with his eyes glued to the book he was reading.

  
“Good, I’ve never meant to hide it.” Roman clicks with his tongue.

  
“Roman be nice to this kiddo, he will be probably very lost at first. It’s new reality for him we must welcome him warmly.” Adds Patton still mixing the cake dough in the bowl.  
Roman hums. He’s almost sure that The New One will not fit into the squad as well as Thomas did. But Thomas was sent oversees to carry on his musical studies. Pity that Roman didn’t get that chance. But after all he was still a freshman back then. Now it was different. He passed the year with excellent grades and he’s willing to work hard to go to study in Europe next year. He already has few successful plays on his account, he’s talented and good-looking. Now, no one doubts that one day he will uld rule the stage. But for now… he rules this university. Everyone knows Roman and everyone wants to date him. Actually even a one-night stand would please at least half of his admirers. Boys, girls and everyone in between. And Roman enjoys that.

  
He eyes his reflection in the mirror. Hair on fleek, shining eyes, neat white t-shirt (with print “01 Prince” on the back) and of course his absolutely gorgeous skinny jeans. Yes, he indeed os very proud of his muscular thighs. Besides, what was the point of going to the gym, if he wouldn’t show-off his shapes?

  
He quickly takes and selfie and posts it on the Instagram. Of course he is flooded with likes and positive comments almost immediately. Just when he is about to inform the rest that he’s internet carrier is going well the door-bell lets them know that someone’s waiting for the door to open.

  
All three looks at each other nervously. They are about to meet their new dorm-mate. That’s this moment. First impression is very important. They can’t seem to needy or pushy and at the same time still welcome him nicely. It’s obvious that Roman is the one to open the door.

  
He confidently grabs the door-knob even though his heart’s pounding a little bit too fast. Probably because he’s worried if he’s not gonna live in one house with one of his Instagram fans. He pushes the door slightly and let the male from the other side do the same. To his surprise the door remains cracked. Roman frowns and open the door. His eyes meet two black diamonds hidden behind dark, almost black bangs. He takes the step behind.

  
“He-Hello?” stutters Roman. Roman never stutters.

  
“Dorm room 409?” asks male in from of him quietly. His voice’s calm and deep, somehow perfectly matching his dark hair, long black sweater and skinny legs covered with grey jeans.

 

“Yes.” Replies Roman still a little bit shocked “Are you by any chance…”

  
“Yes, your new dorm-mate. Yes, you don’t want me here but I’m here. This is how it works.” Says the male, his eyes glaring into the floor. Roman snaps out of his weird state.

  
“No, no, nonono. It’s great that you’re here. Please come in. I… Yes… Do you need help with your belongings?” Roman puts on his normal bright smile. His white theeth mirror in the black eyes of his companion for a pinch of a second before the latter looks away.

 

The Angst as Romans calls him in his head is about to say something when suddenly Patton wraps his long arms around male’s slim neck.

  
“Hello there! I’m Patton, this is Roman” says Patton pointing at Roman “And over there is Logan!” he exclaims happily as soon as Logan’s head peaks behind the corner “We’re your new dorm-mates! And hopefully your new little family! I’ve made a cake and.. and…” chats Patton and with every word the new male seems to sink more and more into the wooden floor covering the room.

  
“Can you show me where my room is please?” he squeals finally after awkwardly hand-shaking hands with Logan. Roman leans on the wall, carefully eyeing the new-comer. He still hasn’t heard his name. But the new male seems uncomfortable so maybe indeed he should show him Thomas’ his rom first.

  
“Yeah, follow me.” Says Roman hesitantly and not waiting for the emo-guy turns around on his toes and leads the way. He hears the soft sound of black vans behind himself and he smirks. That’s right. If the new guy is going to follow Roman’s lead everything will be fine. No changes. Finally they reach the certain door. In the meantime Patton somehow manages to put the bowl of fresh and warm cookies into Angst’s hands.

  
“Here it is that’s your room, my dear.” The last words slips out of Roman’s lips uncontrollably but causes a terrified expression in Angst’s eyes. He quickly hides his dark eyes behind his bangs and enters the room.

  
“Hope you like it!” smiles Patton cheerfully.

  
“It’s not spacious but it’s comfortable.” Adds Logan.

 

“Yeah and…” starts Roman shining with his white teeth.

  
“Thank you very much for your assistance.” Cuts Angst and shut the door. As if it wasn’t enough the boys hear the sound of aggressively pressed key in the key-hole followed with a long sigh.

  
“Well… That wasn’t so bad, right?” Patton a little bit discouraged looks around only to find shock on Roman’s face and numb expression in Logan’s eyes.

Virgil’s POV

  
Virgil curls in the corner of his new room. It feels distant and strange but at least he’s alone. He looks around on the walls covered with blue paint. Everything’s clean yet the presence of the previous owner’s still hiding under the bed and in the wardrobe.

  
Virgil’s eyes rest on the bookshelf near him. A small sentence was carved in.

  
_“World is ~~my~~ our stage_  
_-T &R”_

  
A spasm rolls. Of course. He's a replacement once again.

  
No one wants him here.

  
But he’s not even surprised.

  
Virgil drops his gaze and lets his tear blur the vision completely.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil opens up a little bit to Logan who knows what to do while Roman doesn't know what to do at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNING!**  
>  **Self-harm, suicide implications, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, eating disorder, depression, anxiety attacks**  
>  Thank you for reading the first chapter and reaching the second one as well! If you like it don't forget to leave a kudos and maybe consider writing a comment as well. But ofc no pressure
> 
> btw trigger warning from the 1st chapter applies to all the chapters  
> just saying

Chapter 2  
Virgil’s POV

  
He’s been here for 3 days now. It was disaster. He can’t tell why his brain decided to serve him few mental breakdowns per day. As if being surrounded with 3 strangers wasn’t enough, he has to suffer from panic attack every night. The first day of his collage with disaster as well. He hasn’t been sleeping that night at all. When he finally managed to reach the right building it turned out that there was a sudden change of classroom and of course he ended up crying in the bathroom after all. But at least his new “friends” from his class don’t seem to mind him. Meaning- they ignore him. And Virgil doesn’t want anything more than that. Of course that doesn’t stop him from imagining what the other’s may think about him but still… It was much better than being in the dorm. Where he knows that his every move is being watched.  
Logan, the one who studies math, seems to mind Virgil the least. He mostly sits in his room or living room reading books or magazines. That is if The Nosy One, meaning Patton, doesn’t drag Logan out of his room to watch some funny show or to force him to eat dinner. (Virgil finds it super funny because Logan seems to always carry a small book with him and when Patton’s not watching, he sneakily reads it, it looks hilarious). And of course there’s also Princy, meaning Roman, meaning the greatest drama queen in this world, meaning someone who probably hates Virgil the most, even if he tries to hide it. I mean… he’s into theater so he’s a good actor. Virgil’s not gonna fall into one of his games.

  
“Breathe in, breathe out Verge…” repeats like a mantra Virgil and swipes his phone.

  
“One new message from: Elli”

  
Virgil smiles and he reads the text. So finally Elliot is coming back. It’s been two weeks since they and Mitchell left and Virgil would be lying if he said he doesn’t miss his best friend. Besides it’s high time for them to start working on their new single. They have plenty of concerts planned in next few months and they really wanted to play something new. Maybe that would bounce their popularity a little bit. Not that Virgil minds that nobody knows them. No, actually he is okay. He knows that he’s not meant to be famous. He doesn’t even want to. He just wants to create music. It was Elliot who pushed him onto the stage and honestly Virgil doesn’t regret that at all. As always his friend knew better what was the best for him. Turns out on the stage he can at least temporary forget about his usual self and just let the music flow through him. Besides he never reveals his real name. Maybe it’s just an illusion but it makes him feel much safer. On stage he’s no longer Virgil, the emo-guy with huge eye bags hated by everybody. He’s Anxiety and people love him.

  
Virgil rolls down the sleeves of his hoodie. He has to go out of his room get some coffee. Sadly, he still doesn’t get enough money to buy himself his own coffee maker to have it in his room. He checks the time. It’s 4pm. Meaning that Patton should still be out. Leaving only Logan and Roman. There’s a great chance that Roman is somewhere with his friends. That would be a blessing. Virgil doesn’t feel like dealing with him today.

  
He looks around himself. This room gets a little bit more of “Virgil” every day. There are posters of his favourite bands on the walls. The bed is covered with 3 blankets in different shades of purple. There’s even his little Jack Skellington plushie lying on his pillow. The windows are fully covered. The laptop is of course opened on tumblr page (myspace in the other tab). There are a lot of empty mugs around him. Under each of them there’s a book or a notebook (He always drinks coffee whenever he reads or sketches). Virgil can’t say that this is his home yet but he has never claimed any place as his home. But yes indeed, he feel much safer in this room now. The only thing that keeps bothering him are random sentences carved in the wood. On his bed. On his shelves. On his desk. Everywhere.

  
Virgil shrugs. Afternoon isn’t the right time to think about it. Middle on the night is. So he can as well do it then. Now- coffee time.

  
He hesitantly opens the door. They make no sound.

  
Virgil silently closes the door behind himself. Over the years he has learnt how to move soundlessly. Like a ghost. He can hear the faint sound of television playing in the background. Meaning that either Patton forgot to turn it off (very probable) or Logan is watching news (Virgil would prefer the first option but this isn’t that bad either). He makes sure that the sound from his headphones isn’t so loud (he doesn’t want others to know what kind of songs he’s listening to right now) (Evanescence “Hi-Lo”) and strolls down the hall, keeping himself close to the wall.

  
Virgil reaches the common room and immediately spots Logan with a book. He takes one of his headphones as Logan notices him.

  
“Salutations.” Says Logan quietly and his eyes land back on the book.

Virgil wants to reply something but suddenly his throat is all sore and dry like a desert.

  
_“Just stay quiet. You don’t wanna ruin his afternoon even more, do you?”_

  
Virgil puts his headphone back on, nods and hides his slim body behind the counter in the kitchen. He presses the button on the coffee maker. Soon the room starts smelling like coffee. Virgil hesitantly opens the fridge. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to eat something today? He has his own little shelf in the fridge. There’s even a place on his name to write on it but so far he has only dared to write “V”. He knows that his name is kind of ridiculous and he doesn’t think it’s necessary for his dorm-mates to know it. If they knew his name that could encourage them to talk even more about him behind his back and that would lead to Virgil overthinking things even more and… and…

  
A warm hand lands on Virgil’s shoulder and he freezes. He hasn’t even realize that he was hyper-ventilating until now. He turns around to meet Logan’s vary gaze.

  
_“Congrats to you mister Edgy. You’ve just made fool out of yourself. This is amazing. You’re really on fire today Virgil. First crying under the shower now this. Wow you really are about to hit the bottom.”_ Virgil hears sharp sound of his voice in his head. The worse one. The one that laughs out of him and makes him wanna end all of that. The one which is his companion every single day and can hardly be muted with his music.

  
Vergil takes off his headphones.

  
“You need something?” he tries to play it cool and crosses arms on his chest.

  
Logan eyes, previously cold and stiff, softens a little bit.

  
_“Great now he pities you Virge.”_

  
“Nah, I’m good fam.” Replies Logan and Virgil cannot help himself and lets out of husk chuckle. He did not expect Logan to use such a word.

  
Logan crooks his eyebrow.

  
“Well this is new. Hearing you giggling. I guess we can call it a success of the day then.” He smiles slightly. “I was just wondering if by any chance you could pass me the jam.”

  
Virgil immediately reaches for the jar and hands it to Logan. He has noticed already that plain strawberry jam is Logan’s guilty pleasure. Seriously this man keeps several jars in his part of the fridge.

  
Logan thanks Virgil with a nod, opens a jar and sits on the counter (another thing that surprised Virgil today). His legs are dangling loosely.

  
The coffee maker lets a quiet “ding” and Virgil lazily moves over to pour himself coffee. He takes a deep breath before opening his mouth again.

  
“Do you want some?” he asks Logan and quickly shifts his eyes on his mug. That's a mistake. He can see his reflection in the surface of the dark liquid. Virgil immediately shuts his eyes down and moves the mug aside. He doesn’t need a reminder how ugly he is, thank you very much.

  
“Thank you very much but I don’t want to destroy the exquisite silky taste of Crafters.” Hums Logan and puts another spoon into his mouth.

  
Virgil nods and hops onto the counter. He doesn’t know why he does that. Maybe it’s because Logan is so comfortable with silence and Virgil doesn’t feel pressed to talk. Or maybe he’s just having a better time after almost breaking down in front of him?

  
_“Oh right, did you by any chance forgot that he saw you when you were pathetic? He probably sits here waiting for your another breakdown. Maybe he sits here to remind you that you don’t fit here in any way possible?”_

  
Virgil’s arm gets itchy. Oh right he has been 2 days clean. And today when he was taking morning shower few scarss opened again. Isn’t that wonderful anniversary to celebrate with old, sharp, silver friend. His face feels all hot.

  
_“What if he knows? He’s a smart guy and you know it._ ” Whispers a voice in his head.

  
Virgil shakes his head pretending to brush away his bangs. Not his best move but it has to do. He’s about to jump off the counter and go back to his room when Logan speaks again:

  
“Ro and Thomas plotted me to learn these funny vocabs that people seem to use these days… Like fam… or extra or... emmm vocabs like that. Do you think I’m going well so far?”

  
Virgil keeps his head down but he can feel Logan’s gaze on himself.

  
“I… I don’t know… Probably... I mean… I guess it’s all about practice… The more you use it the more natural it will sound… I’m not an expert but… besides we don’t talk often soooo…”

  
“Aha!” shouts Logan and Virgil shocked raises his head up “You see that is an issue! If you talked more often, you could give me better advice! And if we talk more often I could use these funny phrases more often. Therefore we should talk at least once a day! Besides you seem like a reasonable man. I need a little bit more of more advanced conversations in the household."

  
Virgil blushes a little bit.

  
“I mean… I guess so…” he declares carefully. He’s meaning to add something more but in the exact same moment the front door open with a loud bang and the room fills with the scent of roses and sweat. Interestingly it is quite pleasant to Virgil’s nostrils. He even lets himself inhale it a little bit longer than he intended too.

  
Soon the owner of the sweet scent appears.

  
Roman himself.

  
He moves closer to Virgil visibly surprised with him sitting in the kitchen in the company of Logan.

  
Virgil takes all his courage to look up. His dark, black eyes meets Roman’s hazelnut ones. They sparkle with the light Virgil has never seen in his own. Wow, he has never been looking into Princey’s eyes for so long (meaning more than 3 seconds). He quickly breaks the connection. But it’s enough for him to feel all hot inside.

  
“Oh hello Edgy Lord, I did not expect you here.” Says Roman casually and lightly bumps into Virgil’s arm.

  
It hurts just a little bit but it’s enough for Virgil. He can almost hear cracking sound at least two of his deep scars opening up. The adrenaline immediately starts running through his veins. He needs to run. Quickly.

  
“Hi Princey. Sorry I gotta go.” He mutters under his breath as he jumps off the counter. He doesn’t bother to look up as he passes both Roman and Logan. When he reaches the hallway he’s practically running. His breath is shallow and his fist clunches on the level of his heart. He's almost sure he's going through a heart attack. It hurts so badly.

  
_“I bet your arms look like their soaking wet. They all know everything now.”_ Giggles the voice in his head.

  
Virgil shuts the door behind and throws himself on the bed with his face wet of tears. He rapidly takes off his hoodie. Of course there is some blood on his arms but it’s not that bad.

 

Sadly the paranoia has done its work. He's head is spinning and his heart is aching. His arms are burning him with a pure fire.

  
Virgil hides his face trying to mute the spasms coming out of his mouth.

 

 _"Well done sucker."_ is the last thing he hears before drifting into darkness.

 

Roman’s POV

  
“Did I do something wrong? I just tried being nice, why does he have to make it so hard” Roman asks Logan.

  
The latter shakes his head.

  
“Becoming his friend won’t be so easy Ro. If it’s even possible at all.”

 

Roman sighs loudly.

  
“He didn’t even take his coffee.” He adds quietly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is an attempt

Roman's POV

 

He doesn't like how his heart started beating faster upon hearing "Princy". Like isn't that the cutest nickname you can get? Yes it is. And yet it came from the lips of someone he has never suspected to use nicknames on the first place.

 

"Why is he like that?" asks Roman finally, shifting from one leg on another, with his eyes glued to his black socks with little crown-pattern. He can feel Logan staring into the deepest corners of his soul. And Roman doesn't like to be stared at like this.

 

"Well isn't it obvious? I think we can safely assume that he is pretty shy person. Do I have to remind you that we still don't even know his name?" shrugs Logan and opens the fridge to put down his jar of jam.

 

"But you were talking with him before I walked it." points Roman accusingly. He raises his head up. His eyes burn with an inner fire. It doesn't make sense? Why would Angst talk to Logan but refuse to talk to the Prince himself? It wasn’t even a refusal, he simply ran away upon seeing him.

 

"I didn't force the conversation. I tried to stay away from his personal stuff. And above all I didn't seek a physical contact. I think it makes him... uncomfortable. That's why he feels a little bit more relaxed with me, than with you and Patton." nods Logan and opens his book. That means that the conversation is over.

 

Roman leaves the common room with mixed feelings. The dorm is quiet. He stops in front of Angst's room. It's dark brown just like any other door in the dorm. He gently touches the door-knob. He remembers when this door used to be wide opened for everybody. Thomas never locked the door. Roman always assumed that this room doesn't hide any secrets so why now that the owner changed it feels like the strangest place on the earth. Roman leans closer to the door trying to catch any sound. Nothing. Complete silence. He's about the walk away when his ear finally fishes something out. The soft sound of the springs in the bed. Is he sleeping? No. Soon he can hear Angst groan and the sound of rustling paper followed with a “thud”. Roman moves away quickly. He doesn't want to be caught on ear-picking. His opens the door to his own room which is right next to the Angst's room. As soon as he enters his room his ear lands on the wall which separate the two rooms. But the walls are too thick. He can’t hear a thing. He has to admit that Angst is very quiet neighbor.

 

"Why did you run away Roman?” Roan asks himself and frowns “Prince never hides. He never runs away. What are you afraid of?" he raises the hand on the level of his heart. Something is trying to escape from his chest. He needs few minutes to realize that it's his own heart.

 

Virgil's POV

 

 

_"Of course you forgot your coffee, you idiot. Imbecile. What are you going to do now, huh? Because going there now that both Roman and Patton are back is an awful idea."_

It took Virgil an hour to completely calm down and change the bandages around his arms. He should probably wash them but he's too scared someone could see him doing that. And start asking questions. Questions he doesn’t want to answer. He hears Patton laughing at something in the common room. He's probably sitting there with Logan. And Princey's most likely in his own room. He thinks he heard some humming coming from there a while ago. Princey has very nice voice. Very smoothing and velvety. And Virgil happens to have a great hearing. Roman’s humming calms Virgil down even though normally sounds coming from outside of his room annoy him. He stretches his arms and immediately regrets it. He has just added few faint red lines to the mosaic which is covering his left arm.

 

"Because the best painkiller is another pain.” he hums to himself. It's one of his favorite lines coming from his songs. He still remembers writing it. Like it was yesterday. It was one of these days when both him and Elliot felt incredibly down. Elliot was on the edge because of Mitchell (oh how Virgil hates this man). They was crying his eyes out, their pupils were big and round because of the drug they had taken. Virgil can't tell what was that. Was it crack or crystal? One of these for sure. He was rubbing Elliot’s back and whispering sweet nothings into their ears. They never dated but whenever Elliot or Virgil needed a physical contact the other was always there. Shared kisses without passion and meaningless sex. There was no romantic feeling between them, and never has been but they loved each other so much that if one of them needed a body the other was always there to be used. It was a secret between the two of them.

 

“Because the best painkiller is pain.” Repeats Virgil. It's a sad song with sad background story but Virgil likes it very much. He makes sure to sing it on every concert. He looks around himself. Papers covered with his black and ugly hand-writing lay all over this place. He really is out of ideas recently. Nothing seems to be good enough. He's about to grab and put on his headphones when a soft knock fills the room.

 

Virgil petrifies. No one has dared to knock to his room so far. And he wanted to keep this that way. He holds his breath. Maybe he could pretend that he’s out.

 

"I know that you're there. Please open the doors." speaks voice behind the door.

 

Roman Prince. Princey. Aka the last person Virgil wanted to let into his room.

 

His heart starts racing.       

                                                                                                  

 _"He knows that you're here. You can't hide Virge."_ he hears a quiet giggle in his head.

 

"Oh just shut up." he mutters under his breath and gets up.

 

He can do it.

 

Virgil gently grabs the doorknob and slightly opens the door. He can see Roman through the door crack. The other male looks a little bit embarrassed. He even bits his lips.

 

"What do you want?" Virgil's voice is hoarse, almost aggressive. He didn't mean to sounds like that.

 

Roman catches his gaze and Virgil immediately looks down.

 

"I came to give you this..." says Roman and a little bit hesitantly hands surprised Virgil a mug filled with black liquid. "You forgot to take your coffee but when I realized it was cold already so I... I made you another..." Virgil gently grabs his black mug. Their fingers touch for the blink of an eye and Virgil feels hot again.

 

"I... Thank you... Princey..." he mutters. He can feel blush on his cheeks but hopefully the white foundation covers it well. He wants to close the door but Roman still stands there. "Anything else?" asks Virgil flipping his bangs with his unoccupied hand.

 

"No... I, I mean yes. I wanted to apologize."

 

Virgil brings himself to look into Roman's chocolate eyes. His mind goes blank. This is a pair of really beautiful eyes. His throat feels dry. He lets a quiet cough before finally asking:

 

"For what?"

 

"For scaring you away today... I mean... I guess I was just surprised upon seeing you." Roman smiles slightly. “And you was surprised with me.”

 

Virgil smirks bitterly.

 

"Well, you're not the first and you're not the last one who was surprised because I exist."

 

Roman's eyes open widely.

 

"No. Nononono, that's not what I meant." he shakes his head rapidly.

 

Virgil snorts.

 

"I hope so."

 

_"Not really."_

 

Roman looks at him and Virgil somehow finds enough courage to stare back.

 

"Well that was nice..." he leans against the frame of the door and takes a sip of the coffee. It's still burning hot but Virgil doesn't mind. He feels hot inside anyway.

 

"It was!" exclaims Roman a little bit awkwardly.

 

"Sooo..."

 

"Yeah… I will better go now. Thank you for em... your time... I... Didn't mean to interrupt you and... Yes."

 

"Yeah, thanks for the coffee." replies Virgil and shuts the door leaving Roman with his mouth wide opened.

 

 _"Oh, wasn’t that nice Virge? If he didn’t hate you earlier now, he for sure does! I hope that he poisoned your coffee."_ laughs the voice in Virgil's head.

 

The male weakly puts the coffee aside and falls on the floor.

 

_"Why does your heart beat so quickly, fucker? Did you by any chance find Mister Charming's smile charming?"_

 

"Oh just shut up..." mutters Virgil and covers his head with a pillow.

 

Roman's POV

 

"And... how did it go?" asks Patton.

 

"Shitty..." cuts Roman. "He clearly didn't want to talk to me. When our fingers touched he looked like he touched something utterly disgusting."

 

 _"And it hurt me a little bit._ " he adds in his head.

 

"He's just shy, Ro. I bet you two will be good friends!" Patton's arms wrap around Roman’s waist.

 

"Well.... Whatever. I'm a Prince, I'm not gonna jump around him like some stupid dog. If he doesn't like me than it's not my problem. I have plenty of others friends. Better friend. Like You or Logan. Yes, at first I thought that he could replace Thomas' place, that's right. But if he doesn't want then I'm not going to force him." he puffs angrily.

 

Patton squeezes him a little bit harder.

 

"I don't need your pity Pat..." he mumbles "I really don't care."

 

He can feel Patton's chin in the crook of his neck.

 

"Sure you don't kiddo. But if you did... Remember that you can always talk with me about that."

 

Logan who until now was sitting in complete silence, seemingly unbothered, puts his book down and sighs.

 

"I think that you misunderstood him. According to my observations he needs time to adjust." he declares.

 

"You've made mistakes before." mumbles Roman and Patton chuckles lightly.

 

"What?" bursts Logan.

 

"Nothing. I was saying just saying that he may be both shy and dislike me.”

 

Logan snorts.

 

"Maybe you’re right, maybe you’re wrong. And maybe if you’re right it's time to realize that not everybody love your person from the first sight, Roman." He says as he gets up.

 

"I _do_ know that." Roman walks to Logan who seems completely unbothered with the fury hidden in Princey's voice and eyes.

 

"Oh, do you really know that?" Logan's eyes remain cold.

 

Roman inhales the air loudly but doesn't say anything.

 

"Thought so." sums Logan and disappears in his room.

 

Roman drops himself on the sofa and hides face in his hands. Patton protectively hugs the latter.

 

"Wanna watch Steven's Universe? I may or may not have a secret box of cookies in my room…" Patton smiles shyly.

 

Roman's lips smile but happiness doesn’t reach his eyes.

 

"Sure. Why not?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SO THERE ARE FINALLY SOME SPARKS IN THIS CHAPTER WOHO!!
> 
> And Virgil actually talks and Roman is shook. And that's cool I guess!
> 
> (sorry guys I really do enjoy writing slow burn... Yeah...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNING!**  
>  **Self-harm, suicide implications, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, eating disorder, depression, anxiety attacks**  
>  I'm very busy person with a lot of plans so indeed I public a chapter on New Year's Eve.  
> Have a happy new year buns!
> 
> PS Also stick with me this chapter is a little bit longer.

Virgil's POV

 

Virgil glances at the clock on the screen of his phone. Today marks 3 weeks since he has arrived to this dorm and 16 days since the last time he talked to any of his dorm-mates. It's 8am meaning that he got almost 5 hours of sleep. This is wonderful. The next thing which he sees is the message which pops on the screen.

 

"One new message from: Elli"

He taps the notification.

 

**_Elli: Give me your fucking address._ **

 

Virgil for the first time in 3 weeks laughs. He can almost hear Elliot's voice.

So he can expect a visit today.

He quickly types the address and presses "send".

The reply comes almost immediately.

 

**_Elli: Ill be at 7._ **

 

Elliot has never paid attention to the grammar.

Virgil grins like an idiot. It's been more than a month since he has seen them. His gaze stops on that stupid card Elliot gave to him last Christmas. It’s a simple lilac piece of sheet with 5 words written in glittery black.

_"For Anx_

_with love_

_-Joan"_

They said that it's an autograph from the guitarist from the new upraising band.

Virgil wanted to punch them so bad back then because Joan is actually Elliot's stage name and Anx is the short version from Anxiety which is Virgil's stage name. This gift didn't make any sense and yet Virgil loves to stare at it. It brings back good memories. He doesn’t have many of them.

He rubs his temple and smiles lightly. He slept well and he’s going to see Elliot. And above all it’s quiet in his head.

Actually today he feels like Anxiety. The cocky Anx who doesn't give a fuck. Finally. He has been waiting for this day to come. He finally doesn't feel afraid of his own shadow today. Oh yes, he's gonna have fun tonight.

He kicks off the covers and blankets revealing reddish stains on his sheet. He sighs. He's gonna get rid of them one day when he will be alone at dorm he will clean everything from the resting of his blood. But that's not happening today.

It's Saturday morning meaning that everybody are probably still asleep. Normally he would wake up at 7am and go take quick shower to be back in his room before 8 to avoid a possibility of meeting any of his "friends". But honestly today he really doesn't care. He opens his wardrobe and leans to take his ripped purple jeans. Purple is Anxiety's colour. He slays purple. After a moment of hesitation he decides to match them with tight black golf. Well it used to be tight but since he has lost some weight it barely touches his body. He bits his lower lip. Should he do his make-up in the bathroom or here? He furrows. There's a better lighting in the bathroom. He confidently walks out of the room. Of course everyone are still asleep but still it feels wonderful not to be afraid of crossing the corridor. He barricades himself in the bathroom and looks into the mirror. For the first time in a while he doesn't feel like puking upon seeing himself. He grins to his mirrored self. Oh yes, he's gonna slay today.

He's done about half an hour later. His make-up is perfect. The purple eye-shadow blended with the black one and of course eye-liner. He considered putting on the lipstick too but there's no point since today he's going to eat an actual breakfast. Something more than just a plain coffee and a mint gum. He walks out of the bathroom. The dorm is still quiet but he's not surprised. Not everyone are early-birds (or suffer from insomnia).

For a breakfast he decides to eat a cereal with non-fat milk (because let's be real he has to be in shape). The first few spoons come difficult but when he's finally done, he actually feels proud out of himself. He decides to bring his coffee to the room and sit there for a while. He may be Anxiety today but even Anx has his limits.

Virgil lies on his bed and closes his eyes. It' so quiet. Not even the slightest noise in his head. This is perfect. He really can't recall the last time he felt so peaceful. Virgil props on his elbow and opens his laptop. His home-page suggests him checking his tumblr but after scrolling the dashboard for a while he closes it with a groan. He can't really tell why he types Roman's name into the search bar. Princey's smiling face immediately pops out. Virgil clicks.

_“So he's instagram-famous. “_

He could have predicted that.

He checks other links.

Youtube?

"Ah it makes sense..." he mumbles when he puts on the earphones. After all Princey's major is theater. Of course he plays. There are few low quality videos with the short cuts of plays Roman played at. There's Hamlet (Virgil snorts), Wicked and Heathers. Especially the last one drags male's attention. The video shows the moment revolving around the sex scene. Even though the video is really poor quality, Roman's voice sounds really clear. And very sexy. A cold shiver goes down Virgil's spine and he rapidly closes the tab (and cleans the browser history).

 _"Pathetic."_ whispers the voice in his head but Virgil doesn't allow it to elaborate on it. He was just caught off guard. That happens. He puts the headphones on again and blasts Fall Out Boy. Familiar tunes relaxes him. He's determined to have a good day today.

When he opens eyes again it's almost midday. That's what you got when you decide to listen to half of FOB's discography. But Virgil's still in good mood, besides he doesn't consider listening to music a waste of time. He takes off the headphones and listens to the sounds from the outside. The kettle is making high-pitched sound, something is frying on the pan and Patton's laughing. So they're up. Virgil smirks to himself. It's time for the show time.

 

Roman's POV

 

Roman leans over the chess board staring at his counters. He sucks at chess but Logan loves it and he can be very convincing. Now he's sitting in front of Roman with proud smirk on his face. Roman will never understand why he doesn't want to play with Patton (or maybe it's that sad puppy face whenever Pat loses?).

"Just wait... One day I will erase this smile off your face... Logic." drawls Roman bitterly. He always calls Logan ‘Logic’ when he's annoyed. Logan's smile grows. "You always look so happy whenever I lose. And I lose every freaking time. Maybe you should play with laptop or maybe with buddies from your major? Like you know... nerds."

Logan huffs.

"I'm just glad to see you trying to use your head. Every time you learn something new and-" he adds but cuts in the middle of his sentence. His mouth is wide open and his eyes are staring into something behind Roman. His expression can be described with two simple words: "pure shock". As if it wasn't enough Patton stops humming. Patton always hums.

Before Princey has time to turn around to see what Logan's looking at so shocked, a scent of dark coffee and cologne reaches his nostrils. He has never smelled something so utterly rich and seductive. Someone is standing behind him, leaning over the back of his sit. Cold breath tackles Roman’s neck.

"Move the hopper on E4."

Roman shivers. Has this voice always been this... sexy?

Roman turns to the right and almost bumps into Virgil's slim face. Or what he recognizes as the latter. The Angst one and only. Roman is used to the dark eyes, hidden behind long almost black bang, always looking at everything but not into the eyes of his companion. But this time is different. His black eyes are wide opened, scanning the darkest corners of Roman's soul, not completely hidden behind the dark bang and above of all- surrounded with dark eye-shadow. His eyelashes are long and naturally black. His lips are perfectly pink and… oh-my-god. Roman's throat is all dry, dusty and hot. Unable to tear his gaze away from his roommate's face, he keeps staring.

Virgil moves away and chuckles.

"You look like you've just seen a ghost Princey." he says and moves the hopper. "Now take this Logan." he purrs quietly and turns around.

Patton who was silent until now squeals loudly.

"Omg! What's the occasion? You look absolutely stunning kiddo! Look at this neat make-up! Ah Ro, doesn't he look absolutely amazing?"

Roman blinks. Oh, right, words. He's about to say something when Virgil turns around and smirks directly at him. The blush crawls down Roman's ears. His face feels all hot. It lasts only for a few seconds but Roman is already crushed. The male turns his face back to Patton and turns on the coffee maker. Patton tries to keep the chit-chat going but even he is surprised and lost in the new situation.

"Roman? Roooooman?" repeats Logan "Are you planning on finishing this game?"

Roman snaps out of the shock and tears his gaze away from Virgil's slim legs and his mocking smile.

"I... Um... I can't play and you know that!"

"I'm trying to teach you something." Logan clicks with his tongue "Besides...umm... How should I call you?" he turns on his sit looking directly at Virgil.

The latter shrugs.

"Whatever works for you, works for me. You can stick to V. It's easy to memorize and short."

Logan nods content with the answer.

"So as I was saying, V over here helped you escaping from a very troublesome situation, now it should be easier for you to conduct an attack." he rubs his nape and shifts his gaze to Roman. His eyes are still lost.

"I... um..."

"Move over Princey, I'm pretty sure we can win this." sighs Virgil and walks over.

Roman stares at him not quite knowing what he is expected to do.

"Do you want me to sit on your lap?" Virgil chuckles hoarsely and another flame explodes in Roman's chest. He slowly makes a place for V to sit which he does.

Their legs are touching. Roman's smooth silky slacks in the color of red vine and purple ripped jeans. Roman keeps staring at the contrast until Virgil laughs few minutes later.

"Checkmate Logan."

Roman looks up shocked to see Patton and Logan with their jaws dropped, staring into the chessboard. Logan has never lost in chess. It was his department.

Logan's the first one to snap out of the confusion. He gets up and holds out his hand.

"That was a good game V. We should play more often. I can certainly learn something from you."

It looks like for the first time today Virgil hesitates before shaking Logan's hand. He quickly pulls his own hand away.

"Yeah. Good game. Thanks for the pancake Patton." he gets up, letting the others know that their moment is over. But before his walks away his hand gently lands on Roman's brown hair "Good game Princey." he winks at the shocked male and disappears in the hallway.

The three of the men sit for a while in complete silence. Roman is the first one to speak out.

"Oh. My. God."

 

Virgil’s POV

 

He manages to keep his bad-boy imagine till the last moment. In his room he realizes that he’s drained. That was way too much of social interaction for today. Virgil closes his eyes and instead of dark eye-lids all he sees is a pair of hazelnut, shiny eyes with little sparkles of golden sprinkles. He has never liked gold. Silver is cool yeah but gold? Not really. Until today.

Small voice in his head starts nagging him almost immediately:

_“So first smile, now eyes… What’s going to be next Virge?”_

“I’m Anxiety today.” He writes in his notebook. Sometimes he uses it to sort his thoughts.

“ _Not anymore.”_

~~“I AM.”~~

Virgil hides faces in his skinny hands. He’s not in love nor does he have a crush. Nonono. He’s been in a few relationships and all of the turned out to be an utter waste of time. Only things he gained from the is lower self-esteem and few stripes across his thighs and arms.

Besides anyone can tell that Princey and him just wouldn’t click. They are literally sun and moon. Virgil smiles bitterly. He’s not in love and he’s not gonna fall into Roman for sure. Even though he does indeed have pretty eyes, charming smile and really nice body-built.

He decides to let the internet consume him own until Elliot will finally show up.

And yes this tab with Instagram account of Roman_Price01 is opened there for science.

After all you have to know your enemy, right?


	5. Kicking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNING!**  
>  **Self-harm, suicide implications, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, eating disorder, depression, anxiety attacks**  
>  Damnit please read the warnings and consider leaving if you're a sensitive person

Virgil's POV

Time passes quickly and before Virgil notices it's 5pm and his stomach starts rumbling. Normally he would totally ignore that but today he's Anxiety after all. Anxiety can eat dinner. Virgil can't but Anxiety can.

He opens his little shelf (he keeps most of his food in his room to avoid judging looks) and takes out some noodles and ready-to-go sauce. All of the grids are covered with black stickers, so he couldn’t see the amount of calories it gives him. Most of stickers are peeling off because he tends to calculate how much is a bowl of rice and stuff like this. Therefore needs to see the grinds. He knows that the stickers are pointless but he still keeps them.

 _"You're so weak, aren't you?"_ nags him the voice in his head but Virgil doesn't plan on giving up even though every part of him screams about skipping the meal. He's Anxiety today, if he ever can eat this, it's today. Besides he knows that Elliot is probably going to question him about his last meal and Virgil wants to look innocent.

He puts down his headphones. It's another big step he's taking. Not having his headphones means that he can't hide behind them if someone tries to talk to him.

He takes a glance at the screen of his phone to check how he looks. Anxiety looks good. He's make up is still on point, his eyes shine mysteriously. He likes to look at Anxiety because he never has tears smeared all over his face. If he wasn't Anxiety himself he would totally fall for that guy.

Virgil huffs and walks out of the room, making sure to close it up with a key. He doesn't want anyone sneaking up and going through his stuff.

The common room is quiet and empty and Virgil deep down hopes that nobody's home. Sadly as soon as he turns up the microwave, he hears the footsteps on the hallway. He turns around, fighting an urge to ran away ( _"You're Anx today for fuck's sake. Have some guts! Anx doesn’t run away no matter the situation!")._ Patton. Of course. And if Patton is here than it means that either Roman or Logan would appear any time soon.

"Oh you're up for a dinner too, V?" Asks Patton beaming him the brightest of his smiles.

"Mhm..." he hums in reply.

"I've never seen you cook though."

 _"Ouch... Someone's in trouble."_ giggles a voice in Virgil's head.

"I just eat on different time than you guys." he says looking confidently into Patton's eyes. Virgil's a good liar and he knows that. In the same moment the microwave rings and Virgil carefully takes out the bowl with sauce and noodles. Shit. One of the stickers fell off and the numbers written on the back of the package hit Virgil right into his eyes. He tries to surpass  a whine. A small voice tells him that this is way too much for him to eat for today.

"Oh just shut up Virge, you cry-baby..." he whispers to himself, trying to blink away the tears forming on the bottom of his eyes. He doesn't want to ruin his make-up.

"What?" asks Patton "I didn't hear you quite well?"

"Maybe it wasn't mean for your ears Pat." points Logan's voice and Virgil automatically turns away.

And of course. Of course, he spills the whole meal on the floor and the table.

"Fuck."

 _"This is what you get for being your so called Proud and Powerful Side..." _sing-songs the small voice in his head.

Patton almost immediately rushes to help Virgil who quietly tries to clean up the whole thing.

"I'm like so so sorry V! It's totally my fault! I'm really sorry! You shouldn't eat such a trashy things though but maybe we shouldn't talk about it today! I'm like super-sorry! Suporry! get it? Both super and sorry?" bubbles Patton and Virgil feels as deep inside him his pathetic, scared version tries to go out of its grave. Nononono, he promised himself to be strong today. For his own sake and for Elliot. He doesn't want Elliot to see him at his weakest, he wants to prove that he can take care of himself. He, Anxiety for today, is...

"So what would you say? Please V! I want to make it up to you...?" Virgil looks up to see Patton glaring into him, he also notices Logan carefully watching them from behind his magazine.

_"Shit."_

_"_ Sure why not?" replies Virgil hoarsely. He has no idea what was the question but damn it, he is Anx for fuck's sake. Patton's face light up immediately and Virgil knows that he has just made a huge mistake.

"Then sit next to Logan and I will quickly prepare something!" claps Patton and shouts suddenly causing Virgil to flinch "Rooooooooomaan, are you going to eat with us tooooday???"

Virgil can hear the door in the hallway open and someone's slippers rubbing against the wooden floor.

 

Roman's POV

He's really sleepy but if Patton calls he just knows he has to respond. In anyway.

"Paaat I was just taking my beauty..." Roman rubs his eyes, obviously just waken up from a nap, that is until he notices Virgil sitting behind the table. He gulps but Virgil doesn't notice that. "Of course I will eat with you. Just give me em... a second... I need to like get... ready..." Before he turns around he steal a quick glimpse at Virgil. He seems he relaxed, maybe a little bit concerned with something but...

"But Ro, you always eat in your pjs..." giggles Patton and Logan tries to hide his not-so-discrete smile.

Roman flushes.

"Wh-hat?" he jerks and notices that Virgil's smirking a little bit "No, no, that's where you're wrong I..."

"The dinner's in 10 minutes and I want you to see you here on time." adds Patton and goes back to stirring whatever's boiling in the cylinder.

Roman quickly disappears in his room. He can't understand why he reacts like that? He's been living under one roof with ~~Angst~~ V for a few weeks now but today it feels different. Was it because of his hypnotizing  gaze? Make-up (Roman qualifies make-up skills as a form of art)? Clothes different than black hoodie and ripped jeans? Or maybe it's that deep voice speaking today with no shame? Roman's heart starts beating a little bit faster when he thinks about V saying that stupid nickname.

"Princey, Princey, Princey..." he repeats softly in front of the mirror but no matter how much he tries he can't hit the tone perfectly. He groans. Nothing annoys Roman as much as when he's not able to play the role perfectly. He's been annoyed all day actually because he wasn't automatically qualified to the role of Romeo in "Romeo and Juliet". Therefore he has to take an audition. It wouldn't bother him so much if it wasn't the fact that he was promised this role long time ago. Besides where would they find a better Romeo?

He puts on his t-shirt trying to look both neat and give the homey-vibes ("Why do you even try so hard Roman?"). Should he rock his skinny jeans? Or would that be too obvious? Well maybe not for V but for Patton and Logan...

"Oh my goodness why am I even considering this? It's just a dorm-mate, a little bit rude, a little bit confusing but still Roman... get your shit together."

He's determined not to be stroked with a shock this time.

 

Virgil's POV

Virgil tries to ignore the little voice counting down all the ingredients Patton adds to the chili curry.

 _"A pinch of chili to worsen your skin... An oil to make you fatter piggy... Cheese loaded with calories you shouldn't take near your mouth..."_ the counting continues and Virgil knows that he either eat only a spoon or is going to throw up the whole thing right after eating. Even Anx couldn't take this amount of calories. He promised to himself (he even wrote this literally into his skin) that he wouldn't binge and he is not going to break the promise because of some spilled soup. He takes a glimpse at Logan. The latter quickly shifts the gaze.

Was he staring?

Is Virgil being obvious?

Is Anx starting to duck out? Because that's really not something what he's up for. He can't be just... Virgil when he's surrounded with so many people and if he suddenly loses his attitude they are going to be all suspicious and laugh and... and...

He frowns.

"I'm baaack, right on time am I not?" sings Roman.

"Just right on time Ro." hums Patton "Could you help me pouring the meal into the bowls?"

Roman silently does what he's asked to do and Virgil looks him behind his long bangs (he lets it fall softly on his forehead since he hardly cares about that now). He observes how Roman tries to help and of course drops down all the spoons (Virgil chuckles at that and Roman blushes which Virgil finds quite adorable). He notices how careful he is not to spill the soup. His gestures are gentle and elegant like he really was a Prince. Suddenly his phone rings playing "Miss Jackson" on full volume. He flinches a little bit anxious but relaxed as soon as he sees the name on the screen.

_"Elli's dialing."_

He doesn't bother to go out of the room and immediately picks up the phone.

"Well look who's calling me in this time of need?" he snorts with irony. It's the code only clear for Elliot himself.

"Shut up you fuck." laughs Elliot on the other side of the line and Virgil instantly feels the Anx coming back from his small inside-war. He nonchalantly hangs his hand over the back of the seat.

"So what are you up to tonight?" asks Virgil as he brushes his dark bangs away.

"I would say that it depends but basing on your voice, you're willing to have some fun don't yaaaa?"

"Indeed, I am Joan." he says sweetly.

"Great. Gonna pick you up soon. Be ready."

"I always am."

"Tell me about it sucker." finishes Elliot and hangs out.

Virgil feels the smile growing on his face. He's missed Elliot for real. Not like he's going to admit it though. He raises his gaze to meet Roman's eyes glaring into him. Anx lets out a snort.

"What are you looking at Princey?"

"Nothing Angsty." grunts Roman and hands Virgil a bowl with a small pout. He makes sure not to touch Virgil's hand and Virgil notices that and without hesitation wraps his long, skinny fingers around Roman's wrist.

"I'm not made out only of poison you know Princey? You won't get sick only by touching me."

Roman quickly takes away his hand.

"Well..." he clicks with his tongue "Maybe you are to me. Villains and royals aren't made for each other after all."

Virgil frowns.

"I wonder who's royal in this house. Last time I've checked it was a fucking dormitory."

Roman smiles with triumph.

"Well, villains’ role seems to be already occupied so I don’t have much of a choice." he huffs and turns around to hand Logan his plate.

And Virgil doesn't want to admit it but maybe... Just maybe something in his heart ached him a little bit.

 

Roman's POV

Roman is proud of himself. He managed to talk back to V and that's a win. Well he asked for that himself with these big, black eyes, dark eyeshadow and that laugh. And maybe with that phone-call... He clearly cheered up after that. Of course, I mean… of course he can have his friends. Actually Roman is quite sure that he still has more friends than V. And he's more popular. That's for sure.  He tries to focus on these thoughts instead of burning fire around his wrist. Even though V's hand was as cold as an ice, it set Roman all into flames. Combined with that intense stare they were sharing. It was only then when Roman noticed that V's eyes have amazing spars of emerald color. And he can't deny that it wasn't an utterly attractive. So yes, maybe indeed his new dorm-mate has nice eyes and knows how to do make-up but that was all. It just took Roman by surprise. That's all.

He sits down to eat his curry, replying to Patton only with hums and nods. He looks up. Of course A Certain Angsty Person is sitting across him. Luckily for Roman he doesn't look up, he just keeps staring at the curry and plays with the spoon.

"Is it too hot for you honey?" he hears his own voice.

Emo persona immediately looks up. The moment of shock passes almost in a matter of second replaced with an arrogant smirk.

"The only thing too hot for me is you." he says confidently, winks at Roman and puts a spoon half-full of the curry right into his mouth.

Roman flushes, either with embarrassment or anger, he can't tell. Logan sitting next to V chokes on his meal and Patton, all in unicorn and rainbows, runs to get some water.

If any of the group of friends, looked at V at this moment, they would notice that he tries to gulp the first bite but it doesn't come easy to him.

When Roman glimpses back at V, all he sees in a confident man munching on the small piece of carrot or potato.

"So... V... do you like it?" asks Patton sweetly.

Roman keeps his eyes on his own meal.

"It's nice..." hums V in reply.

"Do you want more?" asks Patton again and V starts coughing rapidly.

Roman looks up to see Logan slightly patting the coughing man. A small spark appears on the bottom of his heart but he quickly puts it down.

"Oh my are you okay kiddo?" asks Patton all worried "Do you need some water?"

Logan looks up at Patton with his hand still resting on V's shoulder. Another spark, this time a little bit bigger forms in Roman's stomach.

"Patton, I appreciate your concern but do you mind noticing that V still has a lot of this delicious meal in his bowl?" Logan crooks his head and his hand slips off the shoulder.

Patton flushes red.

"Ri-right... I didn't think about it."

Meanwhile V shovels another spoon into his mouth. Patton seems satisfied. Logan glances at V with a small smile tugged on his lips and Roman suddenly loses his appetite. He plays with his food and after a while notices that V does the same thing. He keeps putting the spoon up and down, cuts the veggies on small pieces but eats hardly any of them. Roman finds it weird. He's about to throw some comment about that when someone knocks the front-door.

He immediately gets up and springs up to open the door. It's always most likely that it one of his theater-friends. With the corner of his eye he notices that V always stands up rapidly. He presses the door-knob ready to see some familiar, dramatic face but... surprise. In front of him stands slim, quite short man with raven hair and heavy black make-up under his eyes. He wears knitted black-and-red sweater.

"Um, sorry?" asks Roman stupidly and moves aside. He was caught off guard again.

The his utter shock the man completely ignores him.

Instead behind him a deep voice states mockingly.

"Looks like the royal fuck Elliot missed me if they show up so early?"

Roman like in slow-motion observes as the person standing in the door suddenly springs out. He also notices the flash of Angsty's white teeth and hears his deep laugh.

The next moment small human (Elliot?) has their legs wrapped about V's waist (which is ridiculously thin after all these clothes which Roman notices only now) while their head is resting in the crook of the latter's neck.

But what really shocks him in the V has his lips pressed to Elliot's head and he hugs the other tightly.

Roman yet again is caught off guard.

And another spark nags his heart.

He's supposed to be the only royal in this household.

He barely notices as V and Elliot pass him by saying something about having fun all night long.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, it is a slow burn but the feelings are slowly forming, aren't they?


	6. Child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil is a little bit drunk and Roman is a little bit worried

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING!**   
>  **implied: Self-harm, alcohol addiction, eating disorder, depression, anxiety attacks**   
> 

Roman’s POV

Roman doesn’t know why does he wait for V to come back home. It’s 2 in the morning and he’s sitting in his room constantly going through the script to Romeo and Juliet which he has already learnt by heart. He’s in denial actually. It just happened that he’s up at this time (usually he’s asleep by 1am unless he’s watching a movie marathon), it has nothing to go with V going out with this Elliot guy.

The only thing which is on in his room now is his fairy-lights and little desk-lamp. And of course his laptop. He’s been trying to find literally any information about his mysterious dorm-mate. But without any luck. It’s just like he didn’t exist at all. Damn it, Roman even tried to somehow download the list of students that got accepted into the university this year with the list of their names (there can’t be that many males with the name starting with “v”) but he found nothing.

Suddenly he hears soft knock to his door. He immediately raises his head not really knowing who to expect.

It’s Patton.

“Oh… Hey dad, you’re not in the bed yet?” asks Roman quietly.

Patton shakes his head with a sad smile.

“Couldn’t fall asleep. You?”

“Same.” Roman whispers almost soundlessly and Patton walks in, closing the door behind himself.

“Logan’s up too I think. I’ve seen the light in his room.”

“That’s nothing unusual.” Mumbles Roman.

“Yeah…” sighs Patton and throws himself on Roman’s bed. He’s wearing his pajama with teddy bears and pink socks with bunnies. “I have a bad feeling in my guts…” he adds after few minutes of complete silence. Roman turns around on his chair and seriously looks at Patton.

“What makes you feel so?” he asks carefully. They both know what are they talking about but the nickname just doesn’t appear in the conversation.

“I don’t know… I just have a feeling.” Smiles Patton sadly and that’s probably one of the saddest things Roman has seen in his life. His friends yawns.

“Do you want a blanket Patti?” asks Roman protectively. Patton is well-known for taking care of everyone except for himself that’s why he’s often either sick or very tired. Both Roman and Logan claim it’s their secret duty to make sure Patton is healthy and well-rested. Roman doesn’t wait for a response as Patton yawns for another time. He carefully wraps a red blanket around his friend who has just taken off his glasses to rub his eyes. “Lie down for a minute or two Pat. You’re tired, it’s been a long day for you. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’ve cleaned the common area today. You really should rest.”

“But what is-“

“Sh… I will wake you up if we need you, kay?” Roman shhshes Patton who quietly nodes.

“I swear Rooo…oooman…” he yawns again “I will only rest my eyes for a minute.” He says and lies down. Soon Roman can hear Patton’s quiet snores.

“Sure… Goodnight Patti.” Mumbles Roman. He’s also sleepy but he knows that if he lies down he won’t be able to close his eyes. Feeling all kind of defeated he decides to take a trip to the kitchen. In case Patton left anything to Logan. In fact he for sure has done it.

Roman puts on his usual tank top a grey hoodie. The nights are getting colder and he doesn’t want to catch a cold before the audition. That would be just horrific. He quietly closes the door, after making sure that Patton is sleeping sound and quiet. His slippers soundlessly move over the floor. Although knowing that Logan usually stays up late till the late hours, he is still surprised to sit his friend sitting in the kitchen.

“Logan?” he asks.

“Obviously.” Logan raises his eye-brow. Even late in the night he doesn’t lose his usual sarcastic spirit.

“What are you doing here? You usually stay in your room during the night?”

Logan chuckles quietly but soon his smile drops down.

“I came to eat the rest of the salad Patton left me. He knows I always need something to munch on during the night. Want some?” he asks and not waiting for a reply hands Roman a fork. They eat for a while soundlessly.

“Although it is normal for me, you are not the type of person to stay up so late without a reason.” Carefully states Logan, his eyes never leaving Roman’s face.

It’s dark so he probably can’t tell that Roman is blushing.

“Is it because of…”

“Yeah a certain angst living next door, exactly.” Grunts Roman reluctantly. He knows that Logan knows already.

Logan hums.

“He made quite an appearance today, didn’t he?” another careful question “You seemed quite… surprised with his look and attitude.”

“Yeah! I was surprised that’s all!” Roman raises his voice and fork and points it at Logan “What are you trying to suggest?!?”

Logan however remains as calm as he was before.

“I wasn’t suggesting anything.” He leans a little bit closer “But you probably should think about what you think I was suggesting to you, Roman.” He finishes quietly and shovels a cherry tomato into his mouth.

Roman snorts. He loves Logan but some of his oh-i-am-so-smart comments makes him wanna stab himself. He’s a mathematician, not a damn psychologist. Why does he always act like he knows all the corners of human’s psychic. Roman loves to listen to Logan making a plain sketches of people’s maps of thoughts but when he’s doing that with Roman himself… let’s say it’s not as enjoyable. He’s about to get up and leave to his room when a quiet noise of keys comes from the door. Roman and Logan shot each other a glare. It’s almost 3am and that can be only one person. They both freeze when door finally lets go the “intruder” inside.

“Holy shit if I ever have a normal house I’m always gonna make fucking sure the door ain’t a fucking barricade.” V’s voice is quiet but clearly annoyed and… sad. From his tone it is also clear that he’s been drinking this night, you can’t really say that he’s drunk but his tongue sounds much more free. Or maybe that’s just how he sounds without an people around? Roman and Logan exchange a worried look. Neither of them is sure what should they do.  They can hear their dorm-mate quietly struggling with closing the door. V lets the final sigh and Logan quietly gets up. Roman has always been shocked that this man is able to product no sounds if he wants too. Only V is better than him.

The silence breaks with the sound of  unzipping sweatshirt. Suddenly a very unpleasant voice whispers aggressively.

“You better take off your shoes fucker, it’s not like you forgot that Patton cleaned the floor this morning.” It  takes Logan and Roman a while that this is the voice of their dorm-mate, it’s not only aggressive beyond the measure but also is followed with another much weaker voice coming from the same person “I… I remember… I do remember…” the voice is almost whining and that’s exactly when the silhouette appears in the common area.

The boys almost immediately notices Roman and Logan. His eyes open widely and he quickly drops his gaze. He leans over the wall trying to hide the side effect of the alcohol.

“It’s late you should sleep.” He mumbles under his breath and raises his head up for a few seconds but it’s long enough for Roman and Logan to notice the tears in his eyes. His make-up is no longer fierce and precise. The eyeshadow is smudged under his eyes and the eyeliner create just a thick stain around his eyes.

It’s Logan who snaps out of confusion first. Without a word he comes nearer to V and carefully touches slim shoulders.

“You should sit down.” He says calmly and maybe it’s because of the alcohol or maybe because of Logan’s stable and patient voice, V lets the latter being lead to the sofa. He falls onto the cushions and Roman can’t help but notice that he’s so thin that the furniture almost swallows him whole.

He’s sniffing, not even trying to hide his tears.

Logan sits next to him and delicately pats his back. Maybe in other situation Roman would laugh at this miserable attempt of showing affection but now he feels nothing like laughing. He feels like crying himself.

“Roman? Could I get your assistance?” asks Logan and Roman comes a little bit closer. As he does so he notices that the emo boy sitting on the couch tries to move away, as far away from Roman as possible. Roman does not only is confused but also a little bit hurt. But there’s no way he’s gonna say that out loud. He sits down next to Logan with a corner of his eye looking at V who starts slowly wearing off the rests of his drunkenness but still trembles like a leaf.

“Could you look out for him for a minute? I’m almost sure that Patton how an AID kit for situations like this in his room…” asks Logan quietly, leaning to Roman. Roman nods even though he’s not looking forward to take care of his slightly drunk, sad, emo roommate. Logan leaves the room and Roman and V are left all alone. The only source of light is still the lamp in the kitchen which gives cold, unpleasant feeling. Roman rests his ankles on his tights. He’s glad he’s worn a lost sweatpants today because it’s really cold this night. He clicks his tongue. It must be it! Roman turns his head to V, his eyes are glowing in the darkness reflecting the white light coming from the kitchen.

“Are you cold? There’s a blanket over here you can use it, you know.” He tries to say slowly, not being sure how conscious the other is.

“It’s not mine…” V looks away, biting his lip as if he was wondering if he should say something more.

Roman sighs and gets up anyway. He remembers bringing this blanket here when he was starting his studies. It’s big and warm and that’s why it found its place in common room- ready to be used by anyone in need. Roman hesitantly closes closer to the man trembling in the corner of the couch.

“Don’t worry it’s mine and you’re free to use it. Just…” he adds after taking another step “…try not to vomit on it. V.” He says and carefully sits next to the male. He seems smaller than ever now and something starts beating faster in Roman’s heart. He tries his bet not to touch V not to scare him. The blanket softly clings to the skinny body and Roman lets out a breath he hasn’t realized he has been holding. He drops his gaze. He knows he should move away but somehow can’t bring himself to do this. Suddenly he feels something cold wrapping around his wrist. He looks up surprised. Big black eyes are staring into him, the tears have stopped flowing already but face is still wet. Roman fights to urge to wipe the smudged eyeshadow of pale nose. Cracked, pale lips of his roommate slowly open up, it takes some time for V to speak but Roman’s willing to wait.

“It’s not just…” he speaks as if talking was bringing him a lot of pain, his breathing is unstable, mostly shallow and Roman allows himself to unwrap V’s fingers from around his wrist only to cover his hand in his own. As if in natural reaction the breathing becomes more rapid but Roman doesn’t think about letting off.

“Take your time hun.” Mumbles Roman and V’s eyes once again fill with tears.

“I really really really…” with every “really” the voice gets more and more quiet and Roma n has to lean over to hear the rest of the sentence “…I really hate my name… It’s stupid… No one likes it… It begs to be said in a pitiful tone…” the voice suddenly jumps few octaves higher “I hate it! I hate it so much! If they cared about me and my opinion they wouldn’t give me this name! I can’t even properly introduce myself I…. Just… ahhh!” he grows, almost panting out of breath.

“It’s okay everything’s fine, I’m sure it’s beautiful, flower like you can’t have an ugly name and even if you yourself will make it sound perfect… but no pressure whatever is comfortable with you…” Roman slowly rubs V’s cold hand. The man slowly starts to calm down. Roman leans his head over the back of the couch and closes his eyes softly.

Soon he can feel someone carefully snuggling to his chest. He peaks one eye to look down. V’s staring at him.

“Do you mind?” his voice is cotton soft and quiet.

Roman shakes his head.

“Good.” Mumbles V and lets a long sigh. Roman can still smell the alcohol, sweat and sickly scent of cigarettes but weirdly enough he doesn’t mind that too much. He lets his eyes fall down again.

“My name… It’s really terrible…” he hears muffled voice.

“I’m sure it’s not.” Roman hums in reply.

“It’s Virgil.” Hears Roman in reply and all he can think about is how he wishes Virgil wouldn’t hear his racing heart right not.

It’s the most beautiful name he has ever heard of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once I wrote a story also was a slow burn and believe me it went even slower! So bare with me~  
> Also thank you for all your comments.
> 
> PS Just saying but from now on I will probably be able to update a little bit slower because collage sucks ;)


	7. Unfortunate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:   
> **Self-harm, depression, anxiety attacks (like bad ones)**
> 
> This is no joke guys if any of you have been suffering from depression do not read this, if any of you ever self-harmed just leave now. I mean it. I'm not playing around.  
> I’ve already had complaints about the depictions of anxiety attacks in this chapter so just please don’t read if you are sensitive.

Virgil's POV

Virgil wakes up with a headache but it isn't anything new. He absently wants to roll across his bed when he realises that he's not in his bed at all. Roman is snuggling right next to him with his arm spread across Virgil's chest and face hidden under Virgil’s arm. Panic starts creeping in Virgil's guts as he slowly recalls every event of previous night. His way back home after Elliot decided to go to Mitchell to have a drunk sex. Scary shadows in the streets as he was trying to remember his way home. Long corridor of the dormitory. And finally the judging look in eyes of Roman and Logan. His breakdown. And… the reveal of his name. And not to any person. To Roman.

_"You did bad job Sanders!"_ screams the voice in his head and Virgil hides eyes behind the messy bangs. He glances at the clock standing nearby. It's 7am.

He has no idea if he should stay still until Roman wakes up which will be most likely around 11am or try to tangle out of the embrace and run away to his room. His heart is pounding. Both brings a lot of risk. Actually they are composed mostly of embarrassment and blame. In the end he decides that he will try to set himself free. In the same moment Roman snuggles his face against Virgil's ribs. It hurts. Roman’s jawline and chin spike right into the hole between Virgil’s ribs. He hisses slowly. Turns out it hurts not only Virgil. Very sleepy Roman opens his eyes to check why his pillow is not as fluffy as he remembers. Virgil freezes. He tries to calm down his breath as Roman absently scans Virgil's face and his body. Oh God, what have Virgil done in previous life to suffer this much now? He can feel in his bones that his body (the traitor number one) soon will start trembling because why not make this situation even more awkward.

Roman's eyes open widely with sudden realization and Virgil feels like he was punched in the face. Oh my God Roman has to feel so disgusted. Sleeping on someone so dirty like Virgil.

// _once again- leave if you’re sensitive this is going to get really violent//_

"Oh my... I'm so sorry!" Roman quickly moves away. Virgil gulps. Princey has really adorable morning voice and his hair look funny when it isn't styled up. Funny in a good way. And maybe Anx would even tease Roman about that but Anxiety is long gone.

_"There's only pathetic Virge left..."_ hums voice in Virgil’s head.

"Oh shut up..." mutters Virgil, his hands travel up to cover his ears as if covering them would help with muting the voice is his head.

"I only said that I'm sorry!" Roman groans and rubs his eyes in the most offended way one may rub his eyes. Virgil blinks. Shit, he didn't mean it that way. A blush crawls down Virgil’s neck. Suddenly he feels burning hot. His finger twitches, he really wants to run away, feeling the nausea in the stomach.

"I wasn't talking to you." he says breathlessly. The panic attack is rolling way faster than the fast time and something cold and icy grabs Virgil’s heart. Here comes the nightmare. He feels all sort of hot inside, every part of his body is burning, and at the same time- all sort of cold outside, his fingers are so cold that he's shocked he can still move them.

_"If it makes you feel any way better Virge, not you don't have to worry about waking Roman up since you already did that, fucking son of a bitch."_ the voice sings sweetly to Virgil's eyes.

Virgil looks up and immediately regrets that. Roman is staring at him. He's judging him probably. Again.

"Are you okay?" asks Princey as soon as Virgil tears away his gaze.

_“Don’t fall for that stupid caring voice. He only pretends to break you down even more.”_ Virgil can't concentrate, his eyes are running around the room, his fingers absently tap the sofa, his breath paces up. He literally jumps off the sofa when Roman touches Virgil's wrist.

Shit. The touched the skin. Meaning he could see. Did he see? Did he see the lines???

_"Did he see? Oh God, I'm sure he saw. He laughs at me. He's gonna tell everybody. I'm ruined. But I've always been. Virgil you stupid piece of shit you fucking drama queen, now you're over-reacting. Yes you peasant you're over-reacting and that's even more pathetic. Shitshitshitshit."_ the mean voice in his head is quiet now, he doesn't have to tell Virgil things, he doesn't have to whisper because Virgil's mind is screaming with his own voice now. And he feels all sorts of pathetic.

He doesn't even pay attention to Roman at this point. He just goes straight to his room. Well... if going straight is bumping into walls and corners and shaking every time your feet touches the floor then he is going straight. He shuts the door behind himself and walks over to the bed and bedtable. He opens the small shelf and his hand finds its way to the razors hidden under the pile of bandages. His body is all itchy at this point and the only other feeling Virgil senses in his body other than panic and overwhelming anxiety is excitement. Because addicts tends to be excited when they can finally cross path with their drug. He takes off his purple shirt and takes a look at bruised and stripped arms. He grabs the familiar long, slim piece of metal and instantly his brain turns quiet even though his body is still trembling and his breath is still uneven.

_"Ugh disgusting..."_ voice comes back with its annoying giggles.

"My arms?" he asks out loud.

_"Yep."_

"You made them look like that.”

_“I don’t even have hands Virge, you did that to yourself….”_

_“_ I hate you for making me hate myself even more, you know that right?"

_"I do. And you know what to do to get rid of me... I wonder how many does it take this time to mute me completely."_ the voice grows darker and more sinister as Virgil puts the silver razor on his skin. Right arm, inner part, one quick move, he closes his eyes, it doesn’t even hurt that, he didn’t cut deep, the voice laughs _"Tell me Virge... How much are you willing to pay to make me shut up?"_

"A lot." hisses Virgil deepening the wound and lets the blood drip down his arm.

He opens eyes and watches the single drops splashing on the floor. He will clean this up later.

_"Did you close the door?"_ asks the voice in his head innocently.

"I did. Please leave." whines Virgil quietly and moves the blade few inches lower on some new spot.

_"Are you sure?"_ nags voice as Virgil creates another line.

His mind goes more and more blurry but at least his breath is a little bit more stable. He gets up weakly and walks to the door. He thinks he hears some sort of noise outside but he doesn't bother to check on this. He grabs the doorknob. Of course the door was closed.

Wow he feel really weak now so instead of going back to bed he sits next to the bookshelf. He catches  the sight of another "R" written with black sharpie in the corner of the desk.

_"R as in Roman?"_ teases voice. _"Or r as in romance? Actually doesn't matter since both are out of your league. Not to mention combining them!"_ voice laughs.

"Stop, just stop please..." tears flow down Virgil's face "Leave him out of this..."

_"Oh but don't you think he has a lot to do with this? I think he does! I mean… Virge you like him, don’t you?"_

"Please... let me... I’m okay…"

_"No way. You know how to shut me down. And you know you’re nothing like okay. If I'm here that means that you're still not determined enough."_ Virgil's gaze travels down his right arm. There are still feel white spots, asking for the change of colour.

"You're totally right." says Virgil and almost moans with pain as he draws another line across his arm.

 

Roman's POV

He has barely had 3 hours of sleep and so has Logan but he doesn't think about this as he literally flies into Logan's room. Of course the other immediately wakes up upon hearing the noise.

"Roman?" he frowns as he puts on his glasses "What is it?" He blinks few times.

Roman is terrified. This is bad.

"I... I don't know... What have I done... I... He just ran away... Locked himself up... He looked worse than earlier in the night... Logan... I don't know..." Roman is all tongue-tied, he throws his hands trying to gesticulate something for Logan but his friend catches what he means immediately.

He gets up and passes Roman by. As soon as Roman walks out of the room he sees Logan crouching next to Virgil's door.

"Hey... V... Are you in there... V... Is everything all right...?" Logan's voice is quiet and caring but there's not reply.

"Virgil." whispers Roman and sits next to Logan, still completely lost.

"What?"

"Virgil. That's his name. He told me yesterday."

"Oh." escapes from Logan's mouth. So this man is surprised sometimes.

"Yeah."

"Virgil... we know that you're there... Is everything okay? We're willing to help you..."

They listen intently and finally they hear something but it hardly can be called a reply.

"Please... leave... I’m okay…" he also mutters something else but the boys can’t hear that well.

It's clearly Virgil's voice and both Logan and Roman snaps their heads up. Virgil sounds helpless and terrified.

"What is going there?" Roman asks out loud, the fear seems to leak through the doors and sinks into Roman's heart. Would he care few days ago? He can't tell. He looks up at Logan and who stares back and there's something in his eyes what Roman cannot quite read. As if Logan knew something Roman doesn't know. He doesn't reply to the question and puts his ear on the door.

Next time they hear Virgil speaking his voice is completely different.

"You're totally right."

Only three words. Roman and Logan sit there for next half an hour but no other noise is made behind Virgil's door.

 

Roman wakes up few hours later with terrible headache and even worse pain in his back. He blinks. He literally fell asleep on that damn door. But he's covered with the blanket. Probably Patton's doing. Speaking of Patton Roman sees him standing in the hallway and waving faintly. Roman gets up and slowly comes over to Patton.

"Did Lo..."

"I know everything. And I have no idea what happened with this kiddo. He hasn't left the room ever since you fell asleep. I think Logan has something on his mind but he doesn't want to share yet. He said he needs a confirmation." Patton huffs "Do you have any ideas Ro?"

"None, except that maybe it was some kind of drug? He wasn't acting normal during the night neither..." hums Roman is reply. He can't be sure if Virgil is the type of guy who takes drugs but they can't just eliminate that.

"By the way sorry for leaving you there..." states Logan as Roman and Patton walk into the common room "You were too heavy and we didn't want to wake you up..."

"Only logical thing to do was to leave me there, right." chuckles Roman but he doesn't actually feel like laughing at all. He would give anything to magically appear behind Virgil's door. Patton sighs and Logan goes back to writing something in his notebook.

"Eat something Ro. It won't help us if you starve yourself." points Patton and leads Roman to the kitchen counter.

"Yes... starving..." mutters Logan to himself.

Patton and Roman shrug at themselves. They're used to Logan talking to himself.

Roman watches as Patton smoothly flips the pancakes. The familiar sight eases him a little bit up. * _ploooosh*_ Pancake lands on the frying pan and Patton smiles happily. He loves throwing the pancakes  up in the air but the thing is that he's not a great at catching things. Roman tilts his head.

"It's so peaceful here." he mumbles "You know that I love living with you right guys?" he asks.

"Awww, and we love living with you too kiddo!" Patton beams a smile while Logan absently mutters "chili".

"Here goes you pancakes Ro. You want them with maple syrup right?"

Roman nods and digs into the small pile, still watching Patton who carefully puts three pancakes aside. He then takes small piece of paper and writes "Virgil" on it. After a few second of hesitation he draws small puppy next to the name. Visibly content with the result he puts the plate down.

"Don't you dare to eat this Ro." he shots Roman a glare and the latter shrugs.

As he shovels the last piece of the pancake when the doorknob in the room down the hallway clicks followed with a groan. Roman, Logan and Patton exchange glances. What should they do now?

Soft foots steps fills the hallway and someone closes themselves in the bathroom. Making use of the situation Logan quickly scribbles on the blank page:

_“Pretend that it never happened_! ! !”

He puts three exclamation marks. Roman has never seen Logan using an exclamation mark before.

 

Virgil’s POV

The tiles in the bathroom are cold and so is water flowing from the shower but Virgil doesn’t care about it much. All of his cuts are burning, now under the pressure of water the open up again and every drop of water is followed with few drops of blood. He looks down at his feet, to see that he’s basically standing in the pool of blood. He walks out of the shower and in complete silence wraps his arms (both because he doesn’t want anyone to pay attention to why one of his arms look thicker than the other) with bandages. Even though he tries to keep them clean, these pieces of material are really seriously over-used but he just can’t bring himself to go to the pharmacy. When he’s satisfied with the effect (meaning the material isn’t soaked with blood and his arms look relatively normal), he makes sure that all the bathroom is cleaned up. He knows that not even one single lost drop can be left under the shower or in the sink. When he’s satisfies with his work, he can finally consider what to do next. A great part of him wants to go back to room but… he’s really hungry and drained. He needs to recover at least a little bit of energy and eat something more than a mint gum. And of course there’s also the open case of Roman… What did he know? Virgil has to know, without it he won’t be able to snap out of constant panic attack circles. Now happens to be a good moment to recognize the situation. Since The Voice has been quiet since morning session… It was now or never to Virgil.

He confidently (as much as he’s anxiety lets him) opens the door and walks down the hallway. Of course all these three dorks are there, luckily all of them are minding their own business, barely looking at him as he walks in. Virgil can’t say if he enjoys that or if it makes him even more anxious. He reaches to the fridge carefully (he has to be careful with his arms) when Roman’s voice stops him.

“Pat made you some pancakes if you wanna.”

“Wasn’t sure if you like them with syrup or jam though…” adds Patton not raising his gaze from the tablet, the Steven’s Universe opening music is rolling in.

“I mostly just keep them plain.” It takes a lot of courage to say that but Virgil is quite satisfied with the result. It’s clear that everybody are shocked that he said something out of himself. He frowns looking at three, thick pancakes. This is way too much for him. He sits down in front of Princey (not intended) and sighs (intended).

“What is it Doom and Gloom?” asks Roman raising his gaze from his phone.

Virgil raises one of the pancakes carefully.

“Do you want some? It’s way too much for me…” he mumbles under his breath.

To his utter surprise Roman laughs.

“Too much for you? You’re basically made of bones! Believe me, I know that after today’s night…” he adds and smile easily slips of his face. Virgil blushes.

“Yeah… Sorry about that… by the way… I ran away… Freaked out a little bit… I like… Misinterpreted the situation.” He mutters under his breath. It’s a lie he has been thinking about ever since he recovered consciousness. From the red stains on Princey’s cheeks he assumes that Roman bought the story. “It was a heavy night you know. I thought that we…”

“Oh God please spare me the rest of the story!” Roman dramatically face palms. And Virgil maybe just  a little bit cringes inside. But then, he knew that it was obvious that Roman would be offended with even the thought of an intimate physical contact with Virgil.

Instead he lets a soft chuckle and Roman looks back at him with his mouth wide opened.

“What?” asks Virgil, maybe talking to Roman isn’t so bad after all he thinks, and puts the first pancake to his mouth. He ignores the loud scream in his head and a small mental calculator in front of his eyes.

“Nothing…” Roman looks away “I just… You show a lot of your colors recently… You keep surprising me that’s all. Besides I don’t even remember when you left this morning.” Virgil opens his eyes widely in disbelief, is it possible that Princey forgot? “I was really sleepy and when I’m sleepy I hardly remember anything…” Roman awkwardly scratches the back of his neck and Virgil finds it weirdly attractive. Roman in general is very attractive man. Virgil blushes and gets up.

“Thank you for your pancakes Patcake!” he smiles shyly to Patton who immediately squeals over the joke Virgil made. Virgil turns back to Princey “And for nice conversation.” He adds and leaves the room, gently scratching his right arm.

In his room instead of usual breaking into tears, he grins widely.

He managed to made Princey blush and that was just way too adorable.


	8. Affirmation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after a great angst, comes a little bit of fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: *mentions of anxiety attacks*

Roman’s POV

Something has changed. Roman feels it in the air. Something has changed between Virgil and him. Is it because he knows his name? Is it because they don’t avoid each other in the kitchen? Roman doesn’t know. But he starts paying more and more attention to Virgil. He knows that Virgil is an early-bird but at the same time a night-owl. Roman knows Virgil loves coffee and mint gums. He doesn’t like eating with others and he still don’t know why is that so (Roman’s working on it). He knows that despite his attitude Virgil is a good student. He hardly ever skips class. Ah, somehow Roman learnt that Virgil’s major is music which is just amazing. He can totally see himself creating a small duet with Virgil.

Roman pays more and more attention to Virgil.

Every night before falling asleep he thinks about this emo nightmare, this angst who lives next door.

He thinks about Elliot a lot too. Sometimes his heart stings a little bit. He tries not to think why is that so.

If the day is good and Roman manages to catch a glimpse of Virgil or if they had a small conversation Roman falls asleep feeling fulfilled with a small smile on his lips. But Virgil is still shy. He still rarely leaves his room. The encounters with Roman always seem to surprise him, like he wasn’t expecting to meet Roman in the dorm they share.

It’s been two weeks since Virgil rocked the heavy goth-look.

It’s been two weeks since Roman learnt his name.

It’s been two weeks since Roman started whispering “Virgil” into the pillow just because he likes the way it rolls through his tongue.

\---

Roman climbs upstairs humming himself a melody from some stupid tv show Patton made him watch. He finished earlier today because his last class was cancelled. A bunch of friends from the drama club asked him if he wants to go see the movies with them tonight but he refused. It’s Thursday and Roman remembers clearly that Virgil doesn’t have any class on Thursday. Not that it has anything to do with why Roman turned down the invitation… No, he just doesn’t feel like going to the movie-theater tonight.

Some may say that using stairs to climb on the 4th floor when there’s elevator is stupid thing to do but actually Roman hasn’t been spending so much time on the gym recently and every physical activity is welcomed. Still humming the melody (and totally rocking the nigh-note) he opens the door and freezes on the spot. Not only Virgil is out of his room but he’s sitting with Logan. Playing chess. The sun coming through the window throws a warm light on both the males. Virgil barely spares Roman a glimpse, Logan absently waves his hand which then he carefully moves over the board. Roman quietly shuts the door and before moving from his spot, he takes his time to appreciate the view. Virgil is playing with the strip of his black hoodie, cautiously watching Logan’s movements. Whenever Logan lowers his hand Virgil clicks his tongue slightly and Roman can clearly see that he’s doing that because he knows that it annoys Logan. When have these two become best buddies? How much time do they spend together on the daily basics? Roman thought he was doing pretty well on befriending Virgil but seems like… he was just another in the queue.

“Roman are you standing here to witness my yet another loss?” asks Logan with his eyes still stuck to the board.

“I um…” it’s none of Logan’s business that Roman’s standing here. It’s his common room too.

“Hey there Princy.” Virgil finally shifts his gaze from the chess at Roman. It lastes only a couple of seconds before these dark eyes once again fall down but it is long enough to make Roman feel even more uncomfortable. Logan hesitantly moves one of the towers.

“I’m just trying to learn something from you…” stutters Roman slightly trying to come up with something logical. In the same moment a Virgil smirks to Logan.

“You’re crushed again and you see that too…” his lips are spread in a wide smile and Logan groans.  “Do you want to continue?”

Logan shakes his head.

“I have classes to attend. But maybe Ro over here will keep you company.” Declares Logan and before Princy manages to say anything he is pushed on the chair on which Logan was sitting just a few seconds ago. “Here. Enjoy the game Ro.” Logan laughs evilly and a blink of an eye later he’s gone.

Roman shifts on the seat, avoiding looking into Virgil’s eyes.

 

Virgil’ POV

Logan has just done a huge shit.

_“I can’t play with Roman… I just can’t…”_

Virgil takes a deep breath before looking at his new opponent. Roman’s clearly not content with this situation. Who would be? Only Logan enjoys spending time with Virgil and it’s only because Virgil actually knows who to play chess. Despite anxious feeling growing in his chest Virgil quickly takes another look at Roman. He has his arms crossed on his chest, the muscles are perfectly visible under that thin t-shirt. When Virgil was queuing in the line for mental illness, Roman was queuing in the line for great body because damn! Virgil feels as his cheeks get hotter and hotter. What is he even thinking about?

"You can go if you want to..." states Virgil hesitantly and Roman's eyes immediately land on him with a surprise glimmering down these brown ambers. "Or I will go myself..." he adds quickly and stand up. He has been a little bit more comfortable around Roman recently, trying to ignore the painful whispers about his feelings coming from the voice inside his head, but it doesn't meant that Roman is comfortable around Virgil. No actually, Virgil is convinced that Roman spends as much of his time with Virge as he is forced to.

"No!" exclaims Roman and also gets up and Virgil automatically curls a little bit. He didn't expect this coming and since his mental state has been pretty shaky recently, unpredictable sounds and movements terrify him. Roman seems to notice that and a little bit embarrassed rubs his tanned nape "I'm just... not good at chess... As you know... I doubt it's a pleasure for you to play with me..." he says awkwardly and Virgil lets a quiet chuckle.

"I don't think you're that bad. It's just the fact that you only played against Logan." Virgil falls back on the chair, his heart is pounding and his hands are getting all sweaty. "Logan is really good so losing against him is not a stain on your honor."

To Virgil's relief Roman sits down too. He props his elbows on the chess board and rest his chin on the hands. Virgil holds down his breath. Roman is really beautiful. Especially now that the light makes his face look even brighter, his skin shines even more than usually and his eyes look like huge almond, perfect pieces of amber.

"And you play even better than Lo, so what makes you feel that paying against you will be easier?" asks Roman and tilts his head a little bit. Virgil is almost sure that Roman can hear him squealing inside.

"I will pay attention not to pay attention to your mistakes. Besides I’ve never said it’s gonna be easier. Only more pleasurable." grins Virgil, surprised that his lips are still able to form into this kind of expression. The effort pays off immediately.

Roman laughs loudly and honestly.

 _"Falling for him is so easy, isn't it Virge? And you what will be even easier? Falling down when you finally realise that he doesn't give a shit about you..."_ whispers something in Virgil's head.

He chooses to ignore that.

 

Roman's POV

It's evening and Roman sits in his room trying to focus on the studying but his mind keeps replaying that one chess match he had against Virgil. Roman lost (obviously) but it felt different than losing against Lo. Virgil was right, Roman actually enjoyed the game. But he enjoyed the soft sound of Virgil's chuckle more than the satisfaction from taking the black hopper off the board, he enjoyed that marvelous smile which was much purer and whiter than the colour of his counters. It was when Virgil grinning with triumph threw his hand up, Roman realised that he fell for this man.

It hit him like a train but at the same time came so natural.

Virgil.

It was easy to find his dark eyes beautiful.

It was easy to imagine how soft his hair must be.

It was easy to appreciate his pale skin, mostly covered with black fabrics.

It was easy to melt into his deep, soft voice.

Roman thinks about the moment few weeks ago when Virgil looked like a freaking million dollar cheque. He thinks about that cocky smile, mischievous comebacks, cold fingers around Roman’s wrist.

Falling for Virgil was easy.

Reasling how much Roman still doesn't know about him was crushing.

He takes out his journal, opening it on a new page, decorated with drawings of little crowns. He looks at his colorful pens, trying to decide which color should he use for Virgil. He’s tempted to use red. Roman’s favorite. Color of love, color of blood, color of Roman. But finally he takes purple instead. Color of royalty, color of mystery, color of Virgil.

He puts the tip of the pen on the creamy sheet of paper and starts writing.

Why does V. act so weirdly at times? Why his eyes seem to escape Roman's gaze so frequently? Why does he flinch every time Roman touches him even if it's while handing him something? What is his relation with E.? Why doesn't he want to spend more time with Roman, Logan and Patton? Why he spends more time with Lo than with anyone else? Why even though Roman remembers clearly seeing a guitar hanging on his shoulder when he was moving in, Virgil never plays? Why does he look so pale and tired sometimes? ~~Why isn't he interested in Roman?~~

Roman puts the pen back into his pencil-case.

He has a lot of question and not even a single one answer.

A frustrated groan escapes from his mouth. Maybe if he leaves now, he will catch on his friends and go see the movie with them? He glances at the clock. He can make it on time and at least he won't be thinking about his ridiculous crush on Virgil. Yes, that's the plan. The sooner he will get rid of this crush the better. It makes Roman feel uncomfortable to have a crush on someone who seems so out of his league. It’s not even that Virgil’s out of his league in general. It’s just Virgil seems to be completely out of this world. Out of Roman’s world. No, Virgil would never think of Roman like that. He probably hardly acknowledges his existence. Roman winces upon this thought. It hurts to know that Virgil is someone who doesn't let people close to himself. Especially people like Roman. It hurts to know that Virgil is that one person Roman can only look at from far away.

Roman's ready to go. He quickly scribbles down the note to pin it to the board hanging in the kitchen. Of course he doesn't have to inform Patton where is he going but he knows that his friend would worry without it. He crosses the hallway noting that the light in Virgil's room is turned off.

"He's probably sleeping.." hums Roman to himself and walks off his dorm. The elevator is broken so he has to use stairs this time again. Too bad ~~Virgil~~ no one is walking behind him because Roman bets that his ass looks great now. He's about to go out of the building plugging the earphones when he suddenly bumps into someone quite short. He looks down and immediately recognizes the dark make-up and long sweater. Elliot.

"Oh." Roman raises his eyebrows. Suddenly he doesn't feel like watching a movie at all. "The elevator is broken." he states and  lets his earphones hang loosely around his neck. Roman knows he looks good. And he's taller than Elliot. Definitely. He can't help but smile seeing the confusion on Elliot's face. "I'm Virgil's roommate." he states calmly.

Elliot tosses their hand into the pockets of their long cardigan.

"Yeah I know. Roman, right? Virge told me about you." they shrug not knowing how Roman's heart started racing upon hearing these words. Virgil told his friends about Roman. That means that he almost cares about him, right?

The silence falls between them and Elliot takes out their phone, picks a number and brings the phone to the ear.

"Go down asshole I'm not going to wait all evening!" they shouts as soon as Virgil picks up the phone and immediately hangs up, finishing it all off with sweet smile to Roman. "He can be so careless sometimes." Elliot's words are laced with sugar and honey and Roman feels like throwing up. He knows that he should probably go now but he can't move his legs so they stand awkwardly staring into each other until they hear the sound of heavy boots angrily running down stairs.

"What do I owe this..." Roman turns around as soon as he hears Virgil's voice. It's clearly cheerful but the sound dies as soon as Virgil notices Roman. The playful smirk also fades away but Roman despite being a little bit hurt keeps on his beaming smile.

"Hi Virgil." he waves awkwardly and Virgil slowly and carefully walks down last few steps.

"Hi Roman." he says and as soon as his feet touch the level zero, he's brought into another crushing hug. Only it's not Roman who's hugging him. It's Elliot. "Hi little bean." Virgil awkwardly pushes Elliot away. Only then Roman realises that Virgil's guitar is hanging on his shoulder. So he does play. To Elliot.

Roman clears his throat.

"So I better be going upstairs." he states and looks away, trying to ignore the fact that Virgil rests his chin on Elliot's head.

"Haven't you just walked down?" points Elliot and Roman blushes. That little shit-

"My friend texted me that our plans are cancelled. So I will just go back home to you know... revise my parts from the play." Roman laughs awkwardly and glances at Virgil just to catch his crush staring at him. Roman's blush deepens.

"Who are you casted as?" asks Virgil and maybe Roman is imagining things but he hears a pinch of curiosity in the latter's voice.

"Romeo!" he exclaims proudly.

"Shockingly, I'm not surprised." smirks Virgil and Roman swear that he's going to dream about this smile for next few years ~~straight gay just for next few years.~~

"I was born to..." starts Roman.                        

"Die?" Finishes Virgil with a giggle.

Roman's eyebrow goes up once again.

"I didn't know you're the Lana del Rey fan!" he mocks slightly not sure how far he can go in this little game.

Virgil shrugs.

"Everybody knows this song and I find it relatable."

"Can you sing it?" Roman bites his tongue. Shit, he definitely shouldn't ask this question. To his utter surprise both Virgil and Elliot cracks into laughter.

"You can say so..." giggles Elliot but Roman hardly pays attention to his words, focusing on the sight of Virgil's cute little dimple. This day is a blessing for Roman.

It takes Virgil and Elliot few minutes to calm down and these are those few minutes that Roman gets to spend in heaven.

"So Elli are we going? We have few things to do." beams Virgil suddenly.

"Right, that's right love." reply Elliot and Roman's heart flinches. "Don't worry Roman, this time I will deliver Anx back in a perfect form!" they send a finger-gun to Roman and turn around. Virgil awkwardly waves to Roman.

"See ya around." he mumbles.

"Yeah..." replies Roman "See you dearest." he adds when the door close behind Virgil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow suddenly this fic gets so much attention, what do i do, how do i handle fame? wow thank you all so much, I hope a little bit of fluffy Roman will repay you for the angst you got from Virgil in previous chapter.
> 
> PS But seriously, thank you for the support


	9. On fridays we wear red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so shitty I'm crying blood but I really wanted to update

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm, anxiety attacks, implications of eating disorder

Virgil’s POV

Elliot kept their promise. Virgil really comes back home in a perfect shape, even with a dash of colour on his usually perfectly white face. What Elliot missed to mention though is the fact that Virgil would come back on Friday evening, clearly after his classes. Virgil doesn’t know how it happened actually, but is quite content with the result. They managed to finish two songs in total. Including both lyrics and basic melody. The next concert they play is in a month and until then they should finish everything and warp it with a big, black ribbon. Virgil’s excited. It’s been a while since he performed. Since Anxiety performed. It will be nice to feel anything other than shame and embarrassment. Despite how it may seem like Virgil also wanted to show himself off from time to time. The problem was that he knew that he has nothing to offer to the world. Or at least nothing worth presenting. That’s why he decided to keep up with the mysterious Anxiety persona on stage. Whenever Anxiety would feel worse and got hateful messages or whatever Virgil could just crawl back to the silent, unknown Virge. He could suffer for Anxiety mistakes but without being Anxiety. It was his safe backup plan. His mind filled with these kind of thoughts, Virgil quietly walks to him dorm with his guitar hung over his shoulder and a bag with few notebooks hanging over the other one. With every step his breath becomes more hasty and hitched.

 _“Missing your lover-boy Virge?”_ laughs Voice in Virgil’s head and he bites his lip. He was with Elliot all day long yesterday which distracted him well enough to mute the unpleasant thoughts but now that he’s coming back to his dorm where he will spend the next few days locked up in his room… He knows that The Voice will be his only companion. He doesn’t even realise that he’s already biting into his lip so hard that few drops of blood appear under the pressure of his teeth.

_“It’s cute you know Virge? So fucking cute of you that you decided to include your feelings for Theater Boy in your song. It sucks by the way. But that’s nothing new I guess. The only addition is that combined with your feelings the lyrics are even more pathetic this time.”_

It stings a little bit.

“Wow, why don’t you shut up?” mutters Virgil quietly, being few steps away from the dorm he shares with Patton, Logan and “Theater Boy”.

_“I can shut up whenever you want, you just have to do the magic trick.”_

Virgil shivers remembering the conversation he has shared with Elliot the night before. They were tracing down all Virgil’s red marks, talking about patterns Virgil didn’t care to notice, hinting different ways to solve Virgil’s issues. As just like always Virgil was nodding knowing that sooner or later he will once again put the blade on his skin and cut deep. Really deep.

 Elliot and him have never had secrets in front of each other. So among all the people in this world… Elliot was the only person Virgil has ever openly admitted to harming himself. And he has never regretted that. Elliot was more than understanding. Or maybe less than understanding? Virgil couldn’t tell. But he knew that Elliot was always there for him. That’s all he had. So whenever these two were together Virgil would wear tank tops and t-shirt proudly revealing his scars. Having all his secrets opened up. Maybe that’s why Virgil didn’t hold himself back from telling Elliot that he may or may not enjoy seeing one of his roommates. That’s why Virgil cried to Elliot’s pillow and Elliot was gently rubbing his back. Virgil needed to vent to someone and Elliot was there. Like always.

With small, gentle smile tugged on his face Virgil quietly opens up the door leading to his dormitory. And instantly freezes in spot. Roman is sitting in the kitchen, all alone, literally glaring into Virgil.

Virgil gulps.

“H-hey.” He waves awkwardly and takes few steps into the room. 20 meters, that’s all it takes to walk to Virgil room from here. He has checked already.

“Hello to you too Edgelord.” Snorts Roman finally. The last word is laced with something Virgil can’t really describe but it sends weird vibes down his spine. He mentally prays so that he wouldn’t shiver too much.

Hoping that the conversation is over Virgil takes another few steps with his head dropped down, eyes fixed into the floor. Roman gets up and immediately stands Virgil in his way.

Virgil looks up and tries his best not to show that he is once again blown away with Roman’s beauty. Perfect jawline, beautiful nose, charming, shiny eyes and welcoming lips. He can feel that his ears are already getting red.

“What do you want?” he grunts finally, avoiding Roman’s eyes. Suddenly his chin is grabbed with Roman’s strong hand and Virgil doesn’t have a choice but to look into Princey’s eyes. _Shit._ Roman’s frowning. And it’s angry frown Virgil can feel it already. He curls down mentally into small ball. Oh God, that’s gonna hurt.

“ _What have I done? What have I done? I was away for all night long, I couldn’t possibly fuck up this much, right? Or maybe… did he… He couldn’t find out during that one night, could he?”_ Virgil’s mind is pacing, his heart-beat rushes up. He’s not sure if he’s gonna make it through to find out what has he done wrong.

 _“Oh Virge, you should have learnt by now that just you existing is enough to piss people off.”_ Reminds The Voice in Virgil’s head. It’s sugary sweet. Virgil hates sugar.

Roman doesn’t reply at first (which only increases the level of anxiousness bubbling inside of Virgil). Or at least not until his gaze soothes down. _It’s easy to fall for Roman._ His eyes look so soft. Yet so full. So perfect and- oh shit Virgil has been staring. But then again Roman’s hand hasn’t moved away from Virgil’s chin. The grip is much less strong and Virgil could easily move his head away but the warmth of Roman’s hand on his icy skin feels just so good. If Virgil was a cat he would start purring right away. But he’s not a cat. And it can’t last forever. Roman’s hand falls down but before it drifts away from Virgil’s skin completely, Roman’s index finger travels a little bit longer across Virgil’s skin. And it’s enough to say that it literally takes his breath away. Virgil’s usually not up for the physical contact but… he would sell his soul to live though this moment just one more time. He looks down instead, playing with the zipper of his hoodie.

“W-what do you want?” he asks once more, blushing terribly. This is too much for his poor confused heart.

Roman sighs.

“I’m just here to deliver a message.”

 “This is your house.” Snorts Virgil, hoping that it would muffle the sound his heart made when he heard Roman’s words.

“Just as much as it’s mine, it’s also yours.” Roman crosses arms on his chest, unintentionally exposing to Virgil how muscular and thick they are. “… And Logan’s and Patton’s too…”

_Another sound of glassy heart being crushed against the floor_

“What about it?” Virgil throws his head away, flipping his bangs. This is the game two can play and Virgil’s not gonna lose this round. He regrets it almost immediately as he realizes that now probably all of his awful pores are clearly visible, not to mention these terrible eye-bags he didn’t have time to hide this morning.

“Well, Patton asks you to inform him if you’re going to stay out overnight.”

Virgil raises his eye brow. He knew that Patton was protective but… Virgil is still a stranger after all. Roman blushes slightly.

“I-I mean… he asked me to ask you to inform him via leaving a notes on the board…” Roman awkwardly gesticulates to show Virgil a board hanging next to the fridge. Virgil has always assumed it was for only small circle to use so he never has dared to look at it.

“Um… Okay, I guess? And may I ask why he won’t ask me about it personally?” Virgil crooks his head and Roman’s face grows even more red. Something’s not normal Virgil can already sense it. And not normal means odd, means strange, means not safe.

“Ah, haha you see…” Roman laughs awkwardly while rubbing the back of his head. His little locks flow around his face loosely, looking softer than ever “Logan and him went… went home for the weekend…  You know to visit families and so on…”

It takes Virgil some time to let this information sink in. Over the weekend. _Over the weekend._ And it’s Friday afternoon. Meaning that for at least next 40 hours he’s gonna be all alone with Princy in this dorm. And he can’t even run away. Elliot has already said that they’re going to stay at Mitchell’s for next few days. Virgil’s brain goes blank.  There were times that the company of either Patton or Logan was quite handy when he was threatened with being alone with Roman and few times it saved him from really, really awkward situations and now…

“Great, just great…” Virgil comments bitterly but doesn’t realise that he has said it out loud until he sees the cramp of pain on Roman’s face. _Shut._

“Well, I’m not pleased with this situation either Mister Angsty.”  Roman lets out an offended noise which under different circumstances Virgil would probably classify as the cutest sound ever.

 _“You’re doing amazing job today Virge honey. Come on… Let’s make your boy hate you ever more.”_ Whispers Voice in Virgil’s head and he already can feel the tears in his eyes. He tried to hide his rapid breaths but now… it doesn’t really matter, does it?

“Well…” Virgil’s own voice isn’t listening to him, it’s all quirky and wobbly and oh my the look on Roman’s face makes this situation even more embarrassing “If-If that’s all than excuse me, I would like to go to my room. N-no need to make this day any more unendurable, right?” says Virgil quietly  and not looking at Roman, he walks him by to quickly lock himself in his own room.

There Virgil tosses his bag and guitar on the floor and takes off his shirt and jeans. He barely manages to do that trying to calm down his shaky hands. Skin on his hands, ribs, stomach and thighs itch for something. Something to bring pleasant, freeing pain. Virgil sits on the corner of his bed, hiding the head between his hands. He tries to cover his ears, he tries to mute to laughs in his head, he tries to ignore his quiet sobs, he tries to shake off the pain in his heart. He watches his legs shaking on the ground, his muscles flinching as his tries to calm himself down.

He promised to Elliot. He promised. He promised to Elliot.

He promised to Elliot on pinky. That one pinky with small tattoo in the inner part.

That small tattoo with says “for my own sake”.

Virgil tires to read the quote on the finger but his vision is way too blurry and his hands way too shaky. Instead he puts the hand on his inner thigh. It’s cold. Not as cold as slim, metal against the skin but still cold. The fingers dig into the skin. It hurts just a little bit. He promised not to cut? Okay, than he will scratch himself to relax then.

Another spasm rolls through Virgil’s body.

 _“You’re pathetic you know? Can’t live even one fucking day without fucking up Virge… Why don’t you kill yourself instead?”_ the last sentence is almost said with boredom which terrifies Virgil even more. He digs his fingers deeper into the skin. Few, fresh scars open up slightly.

“I-I don’t know…” he whispers to himself.

The Voice shuts up after few more scratches, after few more ripped scars.

Virgil crawls under the quilt on his bed and takes out little notebook hidden under his pillow. The pen still feels weird in his hands but he still puts the tip of it on the paper.

 _“ ~~Today is another day I suffered but survived.~~ I fucked up again.” _he writes slowly.

 

Roman’s POV

 _“I messed this up completely. I’m so sorry Virgil… Sometimes you make it so hard but… I should learn. I want to learn. I want to learn how should I handle you because you are special. You are special to me and you are special person in general. Everybody knows that. I know. Pattie knows. Logan knows too. Logan generally seems to know a lot about you. Why? Would you tell me, my little flower? What do I do wrong that I make you react like that? Please tell me dearest because I don’t know if I can figure out this by myself…”_ Roman puts down the purple pen.

It’s been 3 hours since he’s encounter with Virgil. He messed this one up badly. He had a perfect plan for this conversation but Virgil as always surprised him. He blow away Roman’s plan as soon as he walked through the door in wearing his baggy hoodies and skinny jeans. With this guitar hanging  over his skinny shoulder. Did he and Elliot play serenades to each other? Roman can’t help but smirk to this thought. Not, Virgil doesn’t seem like a guy who sings serenades.

Roman’s door are unusually wide opened. And his room is unusually clean. He has yet another plan. And this one just has to work out. He even wrote it in his diary so it simply has to be conducted in a perfect manner. Soft, melodic violin plays in the background. Roman loves covers of Disney songs played on violin. They put new, even more romantic spirit into these beautiful melodies.

Finally. The sound of opening door. Virgil finally will go out of his room again. Roman mentally high-fives himself. He quickly moves over to the top of his bed and grabs the script he has prepared earlier. To get to the kitchen Virgil has to pass Roman’s room and from this position Roman has to see him. His heart skips beat, his eyes hidden behind the script he has learnt long ago, he watches the hallway, waiting for the awaited male to appear in the crack of the door. The shadow appears on the wooden floor of the hallway and Roman seemingly a little bit absently shouts softly.

“Virgil is that you?” oh this name sounds so good when it’s being said out loud. He brings his gaze up from the letters on the script to the doors in which awkwardly standing Virgil. He looks marvelous. But the confused and a little bit hurt expression on his face does sting Roman’s heart. But that’s precisely why he came up with this plan on the first place, right?

“You called Princey?” Virgil rubs his arm, his legs are crossed and he looks just like a little lost emo-angel.

Roman sighs dramatically and puts down the script. He rolls across his bed and pats the mattress.

“There’s a matter I wanted to discuss with you.” He looks at his nails with the corner of his eyes only watching as Virgil quietly moves over to the bed.  He moves his gaze up when he feels the mattress shifts under the pressure of Virgil’s body.

Roman takes a glimpse and Virgil. He’s so skinny. Only skin and bones. He’s literally drowning in this big hoodie. Even though he’s wearing all black, he seems to disappear in the magical, colorful world of Princey’s room. Yet for Roman he’s literally the most important thing here. Even more important than his Hamilton ticket.

“You could eat some more you know…” mumbles Roman and shifts on the bed to sit up.

Virgil chuckles nervously.

“Maybe tomorrow…” Roman notices that Virgil taps his fingers absently. He also jumps on the spot when Roman’s hand slips on his thigh.

“I wanted to apologize.” Says Roman proudly, fighting with the dryness in his stomach and his heart which is trying to escape from his chest. He leans a little bit closer. He can already smell Virgil. He smells like just like usual- with coffee and mint gums. Virgil’s pupils widen up with what Roman identifies ad fear so he moves away almost immediately. “I acted like a dick before. I was… I just had a shitty day…” he sighs and that’s true. He’s been up all night waiting for Virgil to come back and then trying to think of some plan to ask Virgil to let him know before if he will be staying out overnight. (aka “The Patton-Dad” operation)

Virgil’s gaze traces on something behind Logan.

“Did the rehearsal go well?” he asks and now Roman’s eyes widen up.

“What?”

“The rehearsal.” Virgil crooks his head, letting his bangs fall apart a little bit revealing his forehead. “Romeo and Juliet? I’ve heard that you’re doing this in musical form?”

Roman’s heart skips the beat. _He heard? HE HEARD? DOES IT MEAN THAT…? No Roman, calm down. Calm down you drama-queen._

“It was… fine I suppose, just… tiring…” Roman bites his lips. All the plan of the conversation has just disappeared. He had whole list of subjects about which he can chat with Virgil but now… Virgil lies his hand on his thigh and accidentally touches Roman’s hand.

“Oh sorry…” he mumbles, blush crawling on his face and Roman feels almost obligated to move his hand away. _Can I get even more awkward?_

“Soo…” hums Virgil “It was like… a very good conversation and…” he gets up “It was amazing to like… visit you here but… you-you’re tired and you should probably get your beauty sleep so I will… Yeah… I kinda feel like sleeping too so…”

Roman jumps up on his seat and gets up too.

“Yeah! It was amazing!” he beams a fake smile, he doesn’t want Virgil to leave yet “The whole… like bonding thing!”

“Yes yes! Amazing! So I will better… Yeah… Goodnight Princey…” Virgil bites his lips and smiles slightly but just before he turns around to leave Roman grabs his hand. His heart is pounding. The cold skin in his palm feels oddly weird. The hotness on his cheeks contrasts with the chilly scent of mint gums coming from Virgil.

_His eyes are so big and around…_

“Pattonaskedmeforyournumber!” Roman shuts down his eyes waiting for the unavoidable chuckle which should prove him how pathetic he is. No sound comes so he opened up one eye. Virgil’s face is red like a tomato.

“I-I think I’ve heard it wrongly…” he stutters and Roman opens the other eye. A little bit of confidence flows into his heart as he shakily throws his phone to Virgil. He catches it immediately.

“Just… put your number so I could send it over to Patton…” he lets go off Virgil’s hand and looks away.

Quiet sound of fingers tapping into the screen fills the room.

Something cold slips into Roman’s pocket and soon the weight of the phone is back where it was before.

“Goodnight Princey.” The doors shuts down and Roman falls into the bed breathing deeply. He takes out his phone and opens the contact list. He can’t help but smile widely upon seeing the newest number on the list.

_“Edgelord V.”_


	10. Shirtless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil is alone and Roman is discussing things.  
> (we also learn a little bit about Virgil's past yey)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is actually quite fluffy considering few previous one but still:
> 
> TW: depression, mentions of self-harm, mentions of therapy, mentions of absent parents, implied blackmailing  
> (let me know if there's more)

Virgil's POV

That is one of the first nights in Virgil's life when he can't sleep because he's just too excited.

"Roman has my number... He asked for this number himself..." Virgil whispers to himself, sitting on the bed in complete darkness tugged with warm blanket. He's literally shaking with excitement.

_"He said it's for Patton..."_

"I know but still!" Virgil can't stop grinning.

" _You know he's not gonna use it in That way. No one ever asked for your number in That way, Verge. Stop fooling yourself."_ reminds Virgil his Voice but even that can't put him down.

"But he has my number on his phone. Do you think he's gonna text me just to check if I didn't put fake number?" he gasps "Oh my god but what if I accidentally typed some number wrongly!" he shakes terrified with this possibility.

_"I wouldn't be surprised Verge. You're majoring at fucking up everything in your life so why would you type your own number right."_

"I... I should ask for his number too but that would be just too obvious because he doesn't know that I gave you my number hoping that he wouldn't give it to Patton but leave it for himself." Virgil curls his legs to his chest and gently wraps them with arms. The clock shows 3am.

_"Give it up Verge, he just sent your number over to Patton, if he wanted to check if it's really your number he would text you right away and you know that."_

"B-but maybe...?" opposes Virgil weakly.

_"Don't give yourself fake hope you pathetic piece of shit."_

Virgil silently nods into the darkness. He has spent lovely few hours imaging that Roman would really text him (even though he literally is one wall away) but it's time to face facts. He was blinded with his miserable crush on Roman, that's why he was fantasying about these situations that will never happen. Virgil lies down an covers himself with sheets. He curls into small ball. This is where he feels safe. In his bed, hidden from the world. His hand travels across his arm. He can feel every small bump, scratch and cut under his fingers. They're gross but they're also his. Every single one of them was made by his own hands. It's disgusting but he's not going to run away from this truth. He can face it. But he has to hide it from the others. No need Roman to find him even more ugly and pathetic. A shiver rolles down Virgil's spine.

Why did he think it was a good idea to study? If he didn’t start studying he would never meet Roman. He wouldn’t be so hopelessly crushing on him. He wouldn’t hope every day that maybe this day Roman will suddenly start liking him back. Why did he think it was a good idea to study again?

It was Elliot who encouraged him. They told him that he's smart and that he would accomplish a lot. They said that Virgil's intelligent enough to study and brave enough to live with a bunch of new people. And for some time Virgil even believe them. He wanted to make Them proud. Virgil knows that if Elliot wanted they could find a better friend with more beautiful voice. Virgil knows that Elliot could give up on him long time ago but they didn't. And that's exactly why Virgil decided to start college on the first place. He wanted to make his only friend proud. And maybe, maybe just a little bit he wanted to prove a Point to his parents. He and Elliot wanted to prove His parents what they were missing.

_"Is it worth Virge? Is it worth the pain and me speaking in your head?"_

"College has nothing to do with you. You are the problem little fucker." groans Virgil quietly.

 _"And who am I?"_ Voice is sneaky, he's teasing Virgil and Virgil knows that. It takes him a while to force his tongue into this one word. It takes  a lot of courage to say it in the dark room. He has to shut his eyes and put hands on his ears.

"D-depression..." Virgil chokes on his own voice, even though the sound that comes out of his mouth is barely hearable.

 _"Wrong Verge. I am you. You're fucked up just like that. I'm the one who helps you realise that."_ sings Voice sweetly.

"B-but doctor told me that..." Virgil tries to fight back but he knows that this fight is lost. He doesn't stand a chance. Voice knows Virgil, Virgil doesn't know Voice.

_"That's exactly why you don't go there anymore."_

"Y-you told me to stop."

 _"Virgil, honey..."_ Virgil hates when Voice uses pet names _"You’re wrong again baby. You told yourself to stop."_

Virgil lets out a shaky breath. That's right. And he's not planning to come back there either. He doesn't need help. Because he's convinced that he's been born fucked up. That's probably why his parents left at the first place. That's probably why he was practically living alone since he was 5 because his parents were abroad this whole time. That's probably why they hasn't seen him in years, only sending him money from time to time. They must have knew earlier that Virgil is This Fucked Up and that's why they left.

Virgil covers him head with the pillow. Maybe if he will believe hard enough, he won't wake up the next morning.

 

 

But he wakes up, he wakes up after the night filled with shallow sleep and nightmares. He wakes up pretty late. It's 8am which is really, really late for Virgil. He yawns and lets everything hit him in the morning. It's Saturday. He's gonna sit in his room because Roman and only Roman is home. He's gonna stay in his room and starve until Monday morning most probably. Maybe he will even study a little bit. If his head will allow him to.

Virgil groans and grabs the phone lying next to his bed. He forgot to put it to the charger overnight, of course. He tries to find the charger in the drawer next to his bed, ignoring cold, metallic touch of his razor. He should definitely clean up that drawer. Finally he fishes out the charger and plugs it in. He always listens to a little bit of music before getting up just to clear up his mind a little bit. The earphones are always under his pillow. Well... one of many pairs of earphones. They are placed in various spots in his room so that he could always find his way to cut off the world.

The phone finally turns on and to Virgil's utter surprise he sees that the icon with messages has little notification. Intrigued he taps the icon.

 

**_Unknown:_ ** _Heya it's Roman. I know it's early but I wanted to let you know that I'm out and will be back in the afternoon._

**_Unknown:_ ** _Sorry dunno why I decided to text you about that._

**_Unknown:_ ** _Ive just realised that your probably sleeping. sorry if i woke you up. did mean to... :(_

Virgil covers his mouth with the palm and lets out the most high-pitched scream he is capable of making. His heart is beating way too fast and he knows that it means that it's going to hurt him for the rest of the day but who cares. Who. Fucking. Cares.

Virgil laughs and rolls across his bed, not really caring if his tangled sheets are going to choke him. Because He texted. He could leave Virgil a message or just don't tell him anything at all. But. But He texted him. Oh. My. Goodness.

Virgil finally sits up, still grinning like an idiot. He quickly saves the number. Not taking any chances. He then takes few happy, deep and maybe a little bit raspy breaths before finally typing the reply.

 

**_Verge:_ ** _*you're_

 

He quickly turns off his phone and once again squeals. This is amazing he is having an actual conversation with Roman. He sent him a text and- and-

" _Your first text was literally pointing out his grammar mistake. This is for sure going to encourage him to text you back..."_ whispers Voice.

"Shit." smile on Virgil's face immediately fades and he grabs the phone again. Before he manages to think of something witty, a reply pops on the screen.

 

**Pr _incey:_** _woah, i didn't think you're in Logan's grammar army! but then you two spend so much time together that i shouldn't be surprised._

**_Princey:_ ** _But i didn't wake you up, did I?_

Virgil bites his lips. He knows he should read into the texts to much but still. It almost sounds like Roman is concerned with the fact that he might have woke Virgil up.

 

**_Verge:_ ** _Nah, my phone was dead when you texted._

Next text literally throws Virgil off the bed.

**_Princey:_ ** _Good : >_

"Holy shit did he just send me a smiley face???" he squeals out loud and aggressively starts kicking the air with his bare, skinny legs.

 

**_Princey:_ ** _So I will be back in the afternoon. Have a nice day :)_

Virgil does small breathing exercise before texting back.

**_Verge:_ ** _You too ^^_

 

Maybe this day won't be as bad as he thought.

 

 

Finally Virgil decides that today he’s not going to waste his time. His home alone? Great. Perfect. Wonderful. Then it’s time to clean up all the shit he had to keep locked in his room for past few weeks. He takes off all the sheets with ruddy stains. He quickly pulls out all his bandages. He tries not to look at them for too long, knowing that it may trigger him instantly and he would really love to be clean for one freaking day. Of course. The anxiousness is there where he’s sitting in the middle of the kitchen trying to sort all colors but he knows that it has to be done so he grinds his teeth and finally after long hour of sorting and cursing the damn laundry machine, he finally is half-way done.

“Now what are you planning to do now Verge…” he hums to himself and absently turns on the music coming from his laptop. Because yes, he is home alone meaning that he doesn’t have to listen to music on his headphones. The Fall Out Boy starts playing and Virgil suddenly feels a boost of self-confidence.

“I mean… no one is here…” he mumbles to himself, hesitantly applying the eyeliner and adding a small pop of vibrant purple in the corner of his eyes. Anxiety wears much more radiant make-up but Virgil himself prefers to keep it quite gentle and delicate. Happy with the final outcome he puts the make-up bag down, softly dancing to the music playing in the background. Not many people know that Virgil always liked dancing. He just doesn’t like doing that in the presence of others. Even when he’s Anxiety on stage.

He hasn’t even realized that it’s his “motivational playlist” that has been playing for the past few minutes. He happily taps his foot as Angel with Shotgun starts playing. Yes, he knows that many of the songs he put there don’t seem to be very motivational but he has a warm feeling connected with each of them and that’s enough.

Virgil opens the curtains in his room, letting a little bit of the sun in. He looks down at his hand and slightly rolled up sleeves of his shirt. White and pink marks are peaking out dangerously but Virgil keeps staring at them. Trying to accept and embrace that part of his body. The shirt lands on the ground and now he’s standing only in his black t-shirt and ripped pants. His gaze is glued to his arms. Broken, cut, sad arms. The more he glares the better he feels. He knows that this is a fragile feeling. Wouldn’t last too long but for now… he can walk showing his scars proudly. Each of them being  a battle he won.

Actually when he walks into the kitchen he decides to roll even the short sleeves of the t-shirt.

“Free the skin…” he mutters to himself and opens the can of soda he brought from his room. It’s not cold, but it doesn’t matter. He’s throat gets cold easily anyway. Virgil watches as the laundry swirl in the washing machine. The purple and black fabric mix together in slightly pink water. He timer shows that the laundry will end in about half an hour.

A little bit bored and maybe just a little bit inspired with the good mood he opens his notebook. The one with little storm cloud on the front page. He bought it once to write and draw in it only when he has a good day or peaceful time. There are many empty pages in it. Virgil runs over the lines, tryin to recall all these small happy memories from the past.

The day of their first concert.

The day he got his finger tattooed.

The day when Elliot gave him that ridiculous card.

Virgil flips few pages.

His eyes fix upon one particular date.

“ _I don’t know what was that feeling but it felt nice for a minute before guilt and anxiety caught me back. He felt so warm lying on my ribs. His hair was so soft. I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to give him something. I don’t have much. I gave him my name._

_Virgil? He asked me then. I didn’t reply. It sounded so good coming from his lips… so good… I wonder if I can ever say “Roman” in such a beautiful way. I wonder if I said it softly, would he feel so fluffy inside too?”_

Something wet gathers in the corners of Virgil’s eyes and he quickly flips the page. Only to see another lines about Roman. He runs through the whole page. Every good day has Roman in it. Small smile appears on his face and he quickly closes the notebook. He doesn’t need to write this today. He wants to live his happiness instead of wasting time on capturing it. He turns around to prepare eat some waffles and he doesn’t see his phone lightening up, letting him know that he has new message.

Virgil just keeps humming and staring into his laundry.

 

Roman’s POV

Roman is giggly today. And he’s not the only one to notice that. Actually… it’s hard not to notice. He walks out of the rehearsal still singing the songs.  He can’t help himself when he takes out his phone and with little bit shaking hands he types the new message.

**_Roman:_ ** _Heya Virgil, just letting you know that I will be home sooner than I thought. Do you need something from the shop?_

He presses “send” and nods with delight. This sounds like a logical question to ask to a roommate, right? Nothing… feelingsy. Just a simple question about groceries. Roman’s eyes look up as he tears his gaze away from the phone and he spots a certain man leaning against an old tree. He sighs and puts the phone back to his pocket. _What needs to be done, needs to be done._

“Well, well. Romano, you seem to be in a very good mood today.” Declares Olaf as he quickly catches up on Roman’s pace. Roman knows that Olaf has a crush on him. And he has to admit that the younger male is quite attractive with his raven-black hair and blue eyes but he has never had any interest in him. Especially not now when-

“What’s up Olaf?” he smiles lightly. Today nothing can bring down Roman’s good mood.

“Ah you know Roman… Nothing much…” Olaf hums teasingly. He knows all the gossips about everyone in the university. And it is Roman’s guilty pleasure to learn if someone doesn’t talk shit about him behind his back.

“Nothing much you say?” repeats Roman and “accidentally” brushes his hand over Olaf’s. He knows that this is mean but truth to be told- Olaf knows that Roman has no romantic interest in him. He knows that Roman’s just playing to get the news out of him. Both of them are playing a nasty game against each other. Yet the younger male blushes.

“I do have some news though. It’s about your roommate.” Olaf whispers last words as if it was some kind of great secret hoping to gain Roman’s attention. The tactics works. Roman’s head snaps up and he fixes his eyes in Olaf. And he instantly knows it was a bad move. Now Olaf knows exactly what peeks Roman’s interest. And he will use it. If not today, then any time soon.

Roman clears his throat.

“My roommate? You mean Patton?” he tries to buy himself a little bit of time.

“Wrong.” Olaf snaps his fingers. He knows Roman knows who he meant but he’s willing to play the game.

“Logan then?” Roman can feel that his hands are getting more and more sweaty. He knows that Olaf is going to follow him only to the road junction and he has to squeeze all the information out of him until then.

“Nope. You’re new roommate. That emo one. Dunno his name. Apparently not many people know it…” sighs Olaf sadly.

Roman allows himself to smirk a little bit. Because indeed he is in the small group of people who knows Virgil’s name. Olaf stays silent and Roman knows that he has to ask a question now. Talking with Olaf is like playing cards with your secret, rich lover. You know one massive secret about them but their database is much wider.

“So what about him?” asks Roman finally. He can already see the road junction.

“He was seen…” Olaf dramatically drops the volume of his voice “With a person. In a situation that imply romantic attachment.”

Roman tries his best to stop the blood from leaving his face. He knows he’s pale, just like he knows that he’s heart is racing in the rhythm of the traffic jam.

“H-how can you assume that? Who was that?” Roman can’t help but ask and realizes his second mistake. There’s a spark of quiet “bingo” in Olaf’s eyes.

“Oh you know…” the male yawns “I can’t remember that one clearly but…”

“But?” Roman tries to hurry Olaf, he fights for every piece of information, every single gossip about Virgil.

“But I know that emo was hugging that person and that this person was apparently kissing emo’s cheek.” Declares Olaf with triumph in his eyes and straightens up, not realizing how low Roman’s heart dropped.

“Do you know anything more?” asks Roman, his voice is almost filled with begging and even Olaf tilts his head before smirking slightly.

“I may know or I may find out more…” he purrs “… but everything comes with a price Roman and you know it.”

They stop on the crossing on the said road junction. Roman glimpses at the light. It’s still red. He still have a couple of seconds.

“I know but I can’t just pay you without any assurance.” He desperately tries to negotiate.

“I’ve never failed you with my information though.” Olaf click his tongue.

“I can always ask him himself!” Roman throws his hands in the air. He needs to know more. He needs the description of the person Virgil was hugging _(mental note- Elliot? Not Elliot?)._ He needs to know where they went. He needs to know if they were holding hands. He needs to know when it was. He needs to know more. And he’s willing to pay.

“Something tells me you won’t.” Olaf bites his lips and the light turns green “I gotta go Romano. Let me know if you decide something.” He waves to Roman and disappears in the crows of grey people.

Roman groans and pulls out the phone.

No messages from Virgil.

Well… either he doesn’t want to talk or he didn’t see the message.

In the worst case scenario, Virgil will have a surprise seeing Roman earlier.

What can possibly go wrong?


	11. Enchanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman surprises Virgil. Virgil doesn't take it well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm scars, self-loathing thoughts, anxiety attack, cursing
> 
> disclaimer since I always forget to mention that:
> 
> Yes this story is concentrated on prinxiety, that is true. But the subject of mental illness is just the same important to me. I try my best to show it the way it is without romanticizing the issue, let's call it "spreading awareness". Just wanted to mention that: in this story mental illness isn't an excuse, it's integral part of the characters and it shall be treated as it should be- meaning seriously.
> 
> PS It may or may not be venting chapter.

Roman's POV

Roman's head is racing. So is his heart. He doesn't even pay attention to the products he absently puts into his trolley. He curses himself for asking Olaf so little question, he curses himself for showing a weakness. It can ruin him. And even worse- it can bring Virgil troubles. The last thing Roman wants for Virgil. At the same time Roman wants to get home as soon as possible and doesn't want to go there at all. A blush crawls down his face as he considers the possibility that Virgil may be waiting for him.

 _"That's ridiculous, of course he doesn't."_ he scraps this thought away. There's no reason for Virgil to wait for Roman. He barely notices his existence.

Roman strolls slowly down the street with plastic bag with shopping. It's dinner time and there are significantly less cars on the streets. Roman sits on the bench and unlocks his phone still hoping that maybe Virgil has texted him back. He hasn't. But he has received an invitation for a party tonight. Normally Roman would probably consider going there but... he doesn't know when his next chance to be alone with Virgil will happen. Small smile dances on his lips. He can't stop himself from smiling.

" _Crap."_

Roman is the what they call, “a romantic type”. He's also a dreamer and that's a dangerous combo for person in love. He puts the phone back to his pocket and gives his head space to dream a little bit. He sees it all in his head: _He walks into the house and Virgil is surprisingly waiting for him. He mutters something about getting to know each other better so Roman turns on some cliché romantic comedy. While watching Virgil shyly crawls under Roman's blanket and soon after that falls into peaceful sleep resting his head on Roman's chest. Roman can't help himself and places small kiss on the top of Virgil's head. Turns out Virgil wasn't asleep at all. The looks up at Roman, his eyes are so hopelessly beautiful and soon his lips capture Roman's lips and-_

"Cut the crap Princy." mutters Roman under his breath and gets up. He knows well that fantasies like that are very dangerous and can be more heart-breaking than reality.

He's so nervous. He has been in two serious relationships so far but he can't remember feeling like that before. Of course, it's not the first time he's in love but this time it just feels different. Is it because Virgil himself is quite different? Is it because Roman has changed since _Guys and Dolls_? He can't tell. Probably both.

It was so much easier in the past because he wasn't the one who asked both of the guys out. He had an interest in them before, he remembers that clearly but deeper crush and love fully developed during the relationship. With Virgil Roman feels like he was ready to propose right away. The problem is that not only he's almost sure that the feeling isn't mutual but also can't be sure if Virgil doesn't have someone.

Roman groans and gets up. The more he will postpone going back home, the more nervous he will get. He passes streets walking a little bit faster than before, riding on the wave of confidence. He can already see the tall buildings of dormitories. This is when he feels tricky again, slowing down the pace, struggling with the urge to run away or at least visit some of his friends. But he knows that he can't do this. Not this time. He's not quite sure when he arrived to the elevator but now he's watching the buttons with the numbers of the floors light up one after another.

The path through the corridor seems to last forever. Roman glances at number on each door as if he was scared that he will accidentally walk into the wrong room. Finally he stands in front of 409 and realizes he has never been so stressed before walking into his own place. His hand rests on the knob and he knows that it's going to leave a sweaty mark on the cold metal.

Yet before he opens the door he hears a noise. Music. Coming from the flat. And the only person who is in now is Virgil. Roman's heart starts beating faster. The music must be quite loud if he can hear it standing behind the door. He leans his ear against the door and corners of his lips curl up. It's some rock band. Of course it is. What did he expect anyway?

He finally presses the knob and quietly walks into the room. Virgil doesn't turn down the volume of the music and Roman assumes that he didn't hear him coming. Roman moves close to the wall, trying to stay as silent as possible. Suddenly to the choir of the song joins another voice, a little bit hoarse filled with much more emotions than the original line. Virgil.

Roman can't breathe. His voice sounds so good, even though it seems to be packed with all sort of emotions. He peaks behind the corner and the view literally knocks him off.

Virgil is completely drowned with the music. He looks more beautiful than ever. His eyes layered with eyeliner and purple eyeshadow are closed as he swirls around the kitchen, his lips move along the lyrics as he knows every word by heart. His movements are soft. He looks like he was hanging in a cloudy void, not standing in the middle of kitchen in some old dormitory. Virgil turns around and now he's back-facing Roman still hasn't noticed his presence. The voice gets hoarser and suddenly when the drums rolls in Virgil grabs two chopsticks and drums the rhythm of the song. Only then Roman consciously notices that his arms are bare. He needs a moment to realize what the tangled maze of  white, pink and reddish scars actually is-

He gasps loudly and Virgil immediately turns around to finally realize that he's not alone. As soon as Virgil's eyes lay on Roman, the latter regrets every single of his life-choices. Virgil looks terrified. No, scrap it. He looks worse than terrified, devastated and betrayed all at once.

"Virgil I-" Roman stammers but he doesn't even know how to finish his sentence not being able to hold gaze with Virgil.

Virgil quickly shuts down the laptop with one hand. The music shuts down. The silence is overwhelming and Roman's eyes once again travel to Virgil's arms which are covered with thick mosaic of line, crosses, scratches, wounds and cuts. Only then Virgil realizes that his skin is exposed.

He hisses and quickly covered himself with wet, freshly washed bed-sheet which was hanging over the chair. He doesn't run away.

 

Virgil's POV

Virgil head is filled with laughter. Loud, cold, over-whelming and crushing laughter.

 _"Ah sweetie pie what an amazing plot twist! Amazing how you managed to kick yourself back at the bottom of ladder. Ahahahha, Virge, you really amaze me at times like this! I've thought it couldn't be worse but actually turns out it can!"_ Virgil is numb, listening to the Voice and glaring at Roman. He tries to make his body moving but he can't, he can't move at all. The cold wetness of the sheet, combined with sickly flowerish smell of the washing powder. He feels like puking even though his stomach is almost empty as he hasn't eaten his waffle yet.

His body starts shaking, his breath quickens the pace but all he can do is looking at Roman. Every part of his body, every scar screams for going to his room but he can't. His vision gets blurry and he realizes that he's crying. He doesn't even try to wipe his tears, forgetting about the make-up. The feeling in his stomach is crushing. It feels like all his guts are trying to curl into one painful ball at once. Suddenly his chest is too small for the amount of the air he has just breathed in.

His head is running in circles. Unstoppable train of thoughts that he fucked up again, that Roman laughs at him inside, that he can't breathe, that he wants to die, that he must be dying right now because the amount of pain his body gives him is unbelievable, that he's going crazy, that he's about to get lost in his own head, that he's gonna get locked up in some sick place, that Roman is getting closer, he's getting closer, he's getting closer!!! and...

...Suddenly Virgil is caught is Roman's embrace.

The situation puts his mind in shock even more. Virgil's literally trembling, parts of his body which stick with Roman are burning. The swirl in his head is getting even worse. The laughter in his head even louder. He's grasping for air desperately trying to keep his own body straight.

His own legs break under him, every breath hurts and he falls onto his knees while Roman makes sure the landing is safe.

They sit for a while like that. Virgil is trying to calm himself down, living through pure hell in his own head, feeling betrayed by his own body and head. Feeling completely drained out of emotions yet feeling everything at once. Roman from the other hand is both stressed and scared but he doesn't let go off Virgil. His fingers travel up and down Virgil's back and it terrifies him how he can feel each spinal disc. He can even feel his ribs with his own chest.

Finally tears stop falling out of Virgil's eyes and the Voice in his head finally shuts down for a while. Virgil feels numb, completely drained of emotions which he was pouring into the songs a while ago. His chest is still heavy while his head is light. It finally hits him that Roman is holding him. His heart skips the beat causing even more pain and Virgil's hand travel to his chest where it clenches the t-shirt.

"V-Virgil are you okay?" stutters Roman softly, his voice is covered with a thick layer of concern but Virgil hardly notices that.

He slightly shakes his head. There's no point in pretending anyway. He's not okay.

The hug tightens.

"Oh Virgil..."Roman moves Virgil's head at his own shoulder and the lets his chin sink into the crook of Roman's neck, still shaking a little bit. Roman's hand dives in Virgil's messy, dark hair. Every soft touch sends a shiver down Virgil's spine. But this time it's a pleasant one. "Virgil, Virg, Virgie... It's okay, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I scared you... Virgie it's okay I swear, we can just forget about everything. I promise..." whispers Roman but Virgil can't bring himself to reply.

He tries to get up and Roman immediately stands up to help him. He wants to lead Virgil to the sofa in the common room but Virgil shakes his head again, weakly pointing at his room. Roman soundlessly opens the door and escorts Virgil to his bed.

Finally feeling familiar softness under himself Virgil relaxed a little bit. He absently grabs one of his blankets lying nearby and covers himself, surrounding himself with sweet darkness. He can sense that Roman is sitting right next to him. Far enough not to touch him but close enough to make sure his presence is noticeable.

 _"He's sitting next to you asshole. Could you at least stop embarrassing yourself?"_ whispers Voice in Virgil's head. He opens his mouth but no words come out. He can hear Roman sighing.

 _"He loathes you now. He for sure does. He has just seen you at your lowest. Well, almost, but he saw the memories after your lowest moments. What do you think he thinks about you? Pathetic? Silly? Disgusting? He also touched you. Probably can tell how fat you are now. And all of that because you didn't listen to me this morning Virge. I TOLD YOU TO STAY AT YOUR ROOM BUT YOU KNEW BETTER!"_ Voice is rough and literally shouts at Virgil who lets a quite whine.

Something warm lands on Virgil's back and he stiffens. He can feel the warmth even through the blanket.

"You can come out if you feel like it. I won't laugh, promise." Roman's voice is beautiful and enchanting like the most beautiful lullaby. Virgil can't control the happy sounds his heart makes. But he can't look into his face yet.

"I-I can't bu-ut..." he barely recognizes his own voice "...but stay. Please? Could you stay?" he tries not to sob out the last few words. He has to hold his breath when he waits for Roman's reply.

"Of course." hears Virgil. The hand which rests on his back starts drawing small circles "Is it okay for me to do this?"

"Yes." replies Virgil almost immediately scared of losing the only source of warmth.

" _That was fucking fast Virge. Fucking smooth."_

Virgil starts trembling again. If Voice keeps nagging him, he will have to cut and with Roman here... it's almost impossible. His breath speeds up again afraid of another massive panic attack. Afraid of another war in his head. Classic.

Roman stops drawing circles on Virgil's back.

"If you want to..." he starts hesitantly "you can move closer to me... If that's what will make you feel better..."

Virgil crawls carefully to the source of the voice. His head bumps into something which he recognizes at Roman's butt.

"Well... I didn't expect that but whatever works with you sir." Virgil can't see Roman but he can picture his face as he's chuckling. And Virgil chuckles heavily too. Or at least he tries.

"Oh shut up." he stammers and moves his head near to Roman's thighs. His face is burning fire and he's glad that he is covered with blanket.

"Wow, it speaks!" Roman whistles playfully.

Virgil has to bite his lips in order not to snort. The Voice is his head is silent.

 

Roman's POV

He has no idea for how long they have been sitting like that. Virgil's head resting next to Roman's lap, Roman's hand on Virgil's back. He feels relieved when finally Virgil stops trembling and sobbing softly.

He tries to analyze the situation. Virgil has a problem. Like massive one basing on his arms and the amount of time he needs to calm himself down. Roman doesn't have to be Logan, to conclude that Virgil's struggling with mental illness. If not several mental illnesses. Now, is Roman close enough with Virgil to ask him about that? No. Does he want to? Yes. He wants to know what caused the problems, how long have they been going and if he gets treatment he should. Especially the last question scares him. Virgil obviously needs help or the help he receives doesn’t work. For this time Roman was here ~~(he was also the cause but that's subject for another discussion)~~ but if he wasn't there... what would happen?

Roman's heart sinks down and he makes a mental promise to make sure to be available for Virgil any time he wants. Not like he wasn't available until now. No, it's just... he has to let Virgil know that he's not alone.

Alone. Is Virgil alone? Does Elliot know about this situation? They seem to be close with Virgil but...? Virgil managed to fool even his own roommates (Logan?)  so maybe...

Virgil shifts under the blanket and Roman takes away his hand.

First thing that shows up is Virgil's dark hair, followed by pale forehead and big, glimmery, red eyes. He's shy. It's clear that he's shy. Roman smiles softly.

"Well hello, nice to see you again." he props his arms on the knees, so that he's head is hanging a little bit over Virgil's head.

"No it's not..." Virgil turns away his gaze.

"What?" sputters Roman and crooks his head.

"It's never nice to see me..." sighs Virgil and gets up letting the blanket to fall down his face and chest. His face is mess, covered with dark stains of make-up but Roman couldn't care less. Somehow Virgil still manages to look utterly beautiful.

"That's not true." he recites immediately "I like seeing you every time!"

Virgil looks at him over his shoulder.

"Suuure you do, Princy." he mocks him.

Roman feels as his face grows more red.

"I do! In fact..." he shuts down his eyes afraid of the reaction and aware of the fragile nature of the situation "In fact I wanted to ask you if you want to join my movie-night. Tonight!" he adds quickly.

Roman's not aware of how hard Virgil's heart beats at this moment and Virgil has no idea how much courage these simple words costed Roman.

"I would love to..." raves Virgil quietly, not being able to hide his happiness and Roman opens his eyes to see his crush slightly biting his lips with gentle blush on his cheeks. Roman can't deny that his heart literally explodes at this particular moment.

"Marvelous! Let's move to the living room then!" he jumps up. Seconds later he reflects and looks down at Virgil "Of course if you want to..."

Virgil nods softly and gets up too. As he stands at his own legs for the first time in some time, his sense of balance is a little bit off board and Roman almost immediately grabs Virgil's skinny arm to help him stand straights. Roman's eyes land on multiplex red lines on the inner part of Virgil's arm. He can feel the cuts under his fingers, the old one are smooth while the new one are rather rough. Each of them burns his eyes the same. Virgil catches his gaze and snaps out of the hold.

"I can manage myself." he waves Roman off, his voice is still weak and rough "Just give me a minute... I need to... get myself into some shape..."

Roman nods with agreement even though he's not sure if he really wants to leave Virgil alone. But he's willing to trust him. He exists the room but leaves the door slightly opened, just in case. Only when Roman is in the kitchen he lets out a long, rib-crushing sigh. He still has to sort his thoughts, thoughts about Virgil's... state but now, his master-plan is to make sure that Virgil has pleasant evening. To make it all up to him.

He has no idea what kind of movies Virgil likes. He doesn't seem to enjoy romantic comedies like Roman, not to mention animated movies.

As he arranges the pillows on the sofa and puts the snack aside, he realizes how fast is his heart beating. This is exactly the situation he has been day-dreaming about and yet... because of what happened it feels much more significant. It finally hits him what happened- Virgil trusted him. This thought is mind-blowing and literally swipes Roman off. Virgil not only didn't run away from him but also let him into his personal bubble. Roman would prefer to be let into Virgil's world under much more happy circumstances but...

_"Virgil trusted me... Even if it's for few hours, even if it's only for today..."_

"What are you thinking about so intensively?" asks Virgil leaning against the wall. Roman looks up, he didn't even notice that Virgil has already been here. He's wearing black hoodie which is definitely too big for him. He also washed his face since his face is completely bare and few wet hair are sticking to his forehead.

"Ah... Just about you know... life." Roman shifts his gaze at his fingers and smiles coyly as the sofa lightly sags under Virgil's body.

"Thinking about life and smiling? Shit man and I thought I was the one who's crazy here." Virgil lets out an annoyed snort and Roman immediately looks up to meet mocking smile. Both of the blush realizing how close they are. Virgil immediately moves away blushing even harder. Roman blinks confused but doesn't dive into the maze of suggestions his mind serves him.

"So..." he clears his throat "I don't really know what you like watching so I kinda..." he points at the pile of movies him placed at the coffee-table before "... brought what I like."

Virgil glances at the small pile and huffs.

"Disney huh? I'm not even surprised..." he sinks into the soft pillows lying on the sofa with a relaxed expression on his face. "Just pick whatever you want. I will be okay with anything.”

“You’re sure?” dwells Roman. He really wants to make this evening special. Not for the sake of his feeling’s but for Virgil’s sake.

“Yeah.” Nods Virgil without looking at him.

Roman cautiously takes the movie which lies on the top _. Enchanted._ Just perfect to set one’s minds at ease. He puts the CD into the player and turns of the lights. He throws himself onto the sofa, watching the familiar castle to appear on the screen. He takes a quick glance at Virgil who’s huddling on the opposite side of the couch. He looks so small in this big hoodie which literally covers his whole body.

“Hey, Virgie…” he drags Virgil’s attention to back at himself, he raises the corner of the blanket. He raises his eyebrow in a silent question.

Virgil struggles with decision for a little bit and it’s clear even for Roman before carefully crawling under the blanket. He’s barely touching Roman. Only their knees stick but Roman couldn’t care less. His heart is beating so fast, feeling Virgil right next to himself. Roman tries to pay attention to the movie but his gaze keeps traveling back at Virgil. He looks so adorable with his eyes wide-opened. His lips twitches a little bit when Giselle starts singing. And that is way more adorable than the movie itself.

“Oh, look it’s you.” Virgil points at something and Roman looks at the screen, missing the dark blush on Virgil’s face.

Prince Edward has just appeared.

“Awww.”  Melts Roman “You really think that?”

“Yeah, I mean he’s singy and handsome and annoying but still nice so…”

Roman chokes on his coke.

“Did you just…” he stutters finally, not realizing that it’s been few minutes since Virgil has said that. The heart in Roman’s  tries to break all the ribs, the blood in his veins burns as hell with every pump.

“Huh?” asks Virgil absently and Roman’s heart crushes down.

_“Of course he didn’t mean that… this way…”_

The next hour of a movie comes to Roman as a blur. He’s not singing songs, he doesn’t even follow the plot. He keeps replying that sweet moment in his head when Virgil said that _Roman is handsome and nice._ That is until he feels something light and warm leaning against his arm.

He looks down.

Virigl has fallen asleep with his arms crossed on the chest. His lips are slightly opened and he… oh my, he looks so relaxed and peaceful.

 _“Just like in my day-dream mode…”_ Roman’s stomach explodes with butterflies, trying to push away the thought what was next.

“Rest well…” He whispers quietly and delicately lies his hand next do Virgil’s thigh. His little finger is caressing the fabric of Virgil’s jeans.

This is enough for now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> side note: let me know if the length of the chapter was fine or if I should make it shorter the next time


	12. Tougher than you thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman tries to talk but Virgil talks more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a huge pain to write because some author may or may not have a huge problem with talking openly with others about their own problems so yeah...  
> TW: (usual stuff) panic attack, self-harm scars, many, many insecurities, 
> 
> PS You're gonna be sooo disappointed with this chapter I just know it. I tried really hard though. i really did my best. Sorry in advance.

Virgil's POV

_It's a nice dream. Virgil dreams of a safe place. And place which he can call home. It's not even a place it's just a feeling. It's the scent of warm cookies and lavender washing powder. It's the sound of rustling paper and quietly humming coffee maker. It's the taste of mint gums and chili curry. And finally it's the feeling of having someone right beside him. Someone warm, caring and delicate. Someone who makes your heart beat faster in a pleasant way. Someone who makes you feel safe. Someone who-_

_The feeling disappears. It burns like a piece of paper touched with a single flame. Virgil isn't in his safe place anymore. He looks around. Everything around him is dark and cold. A shivers rolls down his spine. He knows this place. He calls it "anxiety room". He appears there out of nowhere, sometimes in his sleep sometimes when he's awake. Choking sound escapes from his trembling lips._

_"Virge, I've missed you. It's been quite a while, hasn't it?" Virgil turns around but of course he doesn't spot anyone. He knows that Voice is in him. It's in the shadows of the room he himself created._

_Virgil's breath hitches._

_"Wanna leave me so soon? Why won't you play with me a little bit?" teases the Voice. It beams in Virgil's head, in his heart, in his soul. It rolls across every corner of his body. The coldness spreads in his bones and muscles. It hurts._

_"Let's play this little game shall we? I will make you feel worthless now and the first thing you will do when you wake up will be making sure you fall asleep again. This time forever. How does it sound Virge? I know you want it."_

_Virgil shakes his head. Or at least he tries. He doesn't want it. Not now. Not today. No, he only wants to be free from this thoughts, he wants to get out. He needs to get out. He wants to live just... not like this. The room spins around him. Black ghosts and dark spirts sit on the walls, on the table, on Virgil's chest._

_He shuts his eyes down, begging his own head to allow him to get out of here. He tries to ease his breath. Suddenly something warm touches his arm, sending a bright vibe through his body. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. It feels like he was flying away. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale..._

"Focus Virgil, focus, you can do it." someone whispers quietly to his ear.

Virgil opens his eyes. He's no longer in anxiety's room. He's not alone.

He's on the couch, panting loudly, leaning over Roman's chest. Few drops of sweat roll down Virgil’s forehead. Roman's arm are wrapped around his waist.

Roman is staring at him. _Oh God._ He's face is so close. Even though it's dark and the only source of light is blue screen of the television Virgil can see that Roman is… worried?

 _"Probably just annoyed..."_ suggest Voice but Virgil pushes this thought away.

_Oh God Roman's eyes are so beautiful._

"Did I wake you up?" asks Virgil breathily glancing at the clock. He doesn't even know when did he fall asleep and more importantly how did he manage to get himself into this position? He's sitting between Roman's legs, head leaning over his chest while Roman's arms are literally wrapped around him.  There's something both amazing and dangerous about this position. But this one time Virgil is willing to take the risk.

"You didn't." Roman slightly shakes his head and Virgil sighs with relief. At least he didn't mess up this one thing.

"And how did I..." Virgil gestures at his body, weakly trying to move away from Roman. To his utter surprise the grip only tightens.

Roman smiles lightly and Virgil is almost sure he has just seen gates of heaven.

"You're snuggly." Roman declares quietly, small smirk dancing on his lips.

 _"Oh crap Virge, congrats."_ giggled Voice.

"Oh crap." echoes Virgil and hides his head in his hands. The soft material of his hoodie usually so comforting now scratches every centimeter of his skin. Embarrassment crawls into every single cell. He fucked up. He fucked up hard. He shouldn't wake up. He should stay in the room.

"What? No. Nonononono." denies Roman quickly but Virgil just curls down even more. He can feel Roman's breath tickling his neck and after few moments Roman's chin lands in the crook of Virgil's neck. "Virgie..." he huffs delicately brushing away the hair on Virgil's ear "Virge looks at me... Don't hide... It's not a bad thing. Nothing to be ashamed."

 _"Don't trust him Virge! Don't fucking trust him! I can assure you that he lies! As soon as you turn around he will start laughing right in your face... Baby, you know I don't want your heart to be broken again..."_ warns Voice cautiously. Roman's chin leaves an icy cold, empty spot on Virgil's neck as he moves his head away.

Virgil carefully raises his head with his eyes still closed waiting for a wave of laughter which never comes. Instead Roman grabs his chin and shifts his head to the left.

"Open your eyes whenever you're comfortable to do so. You're doing amazing Virgil. Just amazing." whispers Roman. Virgil knows that his face has to be really close since he can feel Roman's breath on his freaking _eyelids._

Virgil takes few deep breaths. He got this. He can do this. He can do this. It's no big deal. He just has to open his eyes. So why, why is it so hard for him? Why is his heart pounding? He tries to focus on his surrounding in order to ease his senses.

5 things he can hear. Quiet beeping of the television. Humming fridge. A party down the hall. His heartbeat. Roman's heartbeat.

Blush on Virgil's face deepens. Why is Roman's heart beating so fast?

 _"Don't be paranoid Virge."_ reminds Voice.

Right.

4 things he can smell. His hoodie. It smells like soap. The blanket. It smells like Patton's cookie which he never dared to taste. Roman's breath. It smells like sugar. Roman himself. He smells like everything Virgil has ever dreamed of.

_"Bastard in love."_

Not finishing his usual exercise with quite a struggle Virgil carefully opens his eyes. Roman's face is slightly blue, especially his teeth. He's smiling.

And Virgil can feel his own lips curl up a little bit too.

"You did wonderful job." says Roman proudly as if he was really praising Virgil for being able to open his goddamn eyes.

 _"Well isn't it the moment when the Prince kisses the princess?"_ Snorts Voice " _He lies Virge. You didn't do wonderful job.. There's nothing wonderful in opening your eyes. It only shows how pathetic you are."_

"I didn't. The whole situation could have been avoided if I was a normal person." mumbles Virgil tearing away his gaze from Roman. The grip around his waist loosens up and Virgil tries to sneak away from the embrace which makes him feel so good and safe. Roman arms once again pulls him closer.

Virgil shyly slides a little bit down, leaning his head over Roman's chest just like he did before. Roman sighs.

"Virgil you're perfectly normal. The fact that you have to... struggle with some things other people don't have to struggle with just shows how strong you are."

Virgil dares to look up. Roman isn't looking at him at all. His gaze is fixed into darkness in front of Virgil. As if he was recalling something from a distant past.

"What do you mean?" Virgil's throat is dry with the tension.

Roman looks down at him and smiles gently.

"I mean that you have tough battles to fight every day and look how many of them you have won."

"How many I've won?" Virgil snorts and, in the bliss of the moment, rolls up the sleeves of his hoodie. Cold air slips across his bare arms, sharp like a razor. He shivers. The white lines on his hands seem to be radiating in the blue light of the screen. The red lines seem even darker than they are in reality. Or maybe they've always been this dark? Maybe it's just Virgil's soul leaking out through them.

"Look how many of them I've lost." mumbles Virgil straightening our both arms, making sure each scar is perfectly visible for Roman. He can hear it. Virgil can hear Romans heartbeat. He knows this melody. It's fear, it's panic, it's confusion.

" _He's scared of you Virge. Of course he is."_

Just as soon as this thought passes Virgil's mind, Roman's heartbeat slows down. It's rhythmic, beautiful and matches Virgil's heartbeat. The moment is so precious that Virgil almost chokes at his emotions.

Roman's hand lets go of Virgil and his gentle, slim fingers land on his arm. His slowly traces every cut sending shivers of both embarrassment and pleasure down Virgil's spine. Under Roman's touch they don't seem so bad. They don't burn, they don't hurt. They just are there.

"These aren't marks of lost battles..." says Roman finally wrapping his hand around Virgil's wrist "Every battle comes with a prize. No matter if you've lost or won. And since you're sitting here with me..." his heartbeat speeds up again "...that means that you won every fight. Some of them were just... much harder than others. Some of them left a mark on your soul, some on your body. But you're still here to show them." he slowly moves their tangled hands until they land on Virgil's chest, on the level on his heart. They stay like this for a while.

Everything is silent for Virgil. Everything except the mutual heartbeat his heart shares with Roman's heart. This is nice. Very nice.

 

Roman's POV

He knows that Virgil won't reply to him. He just knows it but he doesn't mind, he doesn't blame him. Virgil told him much more than Roman has ever hoped to hear anyway.

He can't see Virgil's face but he can feel his body right next to him. It's so calm. His chest move rhythmically. Breathing in and out the air just like Roman breathes in and out Virgil. Closer, closer, more, more. To give him more. To prove him more. To show him more. More of how amazing person he is. More of how Roman treasures him. More of how Roman is thankful to Virgil for revealing himself.

Virgil needs to be handle with care. Roman has no idea how far he can go. His hand slips down Virgil's chest careful not to press his fingers too much. Virgil tenses a little bit but when Roman's hand stops on his stomach he relaxes again. _Okay this is going to be risky._ Roman carefully slips his hand into the pocket of Virgil's hoodie. _It's so warm._ He waits for Virgil's reaction ready to take out the hand immediately and yet craving for more touch. Does it make him bad person to think this way right now? Virgil gasps but when Roman tries to take out his hand he murmurs softly:

"Leave it." Roman slips his hand back and takes a deep breath.

_"His hair smell so nice. Would he mind if I kiss the top of his head? Would he feel that? Oh my goodness what if my heart beats too fast? Can he hear it? I hope he does not. I don't wanna freak him out. Why my elbow has to be itchy now? Couldn't find a better time could you?"_

Roman knows that this is the moment. The moment when he should ask questions trembling in his head ever since the afternoon. Questions which are hard not only to ask but also to hear replies to. He parts his lips trying to say something but the big mushy feeling down his throat makes it impossible to let out even one word.

His lips are hovering inches above the top of Virgil's head. Few messy hair brush against his chin. _Would Virgil mind?_ Roman closes his eyes and shakes the head lightly causing Virgil to snuggle back into his chest even more.

Roman's heart explodes with trillions of colors. Just when he thinks he has everything under control Virgil wrecks him completely making Roman feel alive in a completely new way. He has never felt so good while having someone in his arms.

"Roman." Virgil says his name suddenly without looking up at him. His voice is raspy as if he too was trying to figure out how does the voice chords work.

"Yes?" hums Roman in reply quietly. He doesn't want to destroy this moment. He doesn't want this to stop. He begs everyone in heavens so that Virgil wouldn't move away.

"Do you think I'm disgusting?" Virgil's voice is quiet but the crack at the end of the sentence rings across the room louder than thunder.

Roman wants to laugh but swallows this feeling.

"No. Why would I?" his fingers caress the inside of the pocket of Virgil's hoodie. He can feel the sharp shape of Virgil's bones under the material.

"That's what people usually think about someone like me..." Virgil buries his chin in the hoodie.

"How could you know that?" asks Roman cautiously.

"I just know." Virgil mutters into the fabric of his hoodie.

"Has someone told you that? Because if they do then know that it's complete-"

"It was me." cuts Virgil shortly.

Roman dumb folds.

"You?" he asks blinking.

"Yeah. It's..." Virgil raises his hand and pokes his own head "It's all in my head." words start to spill out of him in much quicker pace "It's all there. It tells me things I don't wanna hear. Things I don't wanna believe. It tells me that it protects me but it doesn't and even though I know that I keep listening to him because it. Is. So. Fucking. Loud. Even know. It's screaming for me to shut up." fear and panic is speaking through Virgil and Roman can hear that in his voice. The screen out of sudden stops shining with the blue light and everything turns black. Virgil's breath hitches and his hand forms into fists. "I'm... I'm scared." he breathes out shakily.

A little bit afraid if he doesn't crash Virgil's fragile body Roman tightly hugs shaking boy. He can feel the blood racing under Virgil's skin, his heart speeding up under the hoodie, his breath hitching as he gently shifts him on his lap. Virgil’s right arm hesitantly wrap around Roman's neck seeking for protection. The rest of his right side leans over his chest and he curls into little ball. Roman doesn't let go and hugs him even tighter.

"You're gonna be okay." he whispers delicately brushing his lips against Virgil's ear. He carefully picks every word, knowing that one bad move can destroy everything "I promise. You're gonna be okay. Fear is nothing to be ashamed about. You're not alone. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. We’re going to work this out together"

Virgil sobs softly.

"My heart hurts so much." he hiccups.

"Shh..." Roman moves his hand from Virgil waist and brings it up to his head. Virgil's hair are so soft under the touch, as if each string was made out of silk. He slowly strokes the hair whispering little, sweet nothings into Virgil's ear. All his feelings are moved aside. All that matters is for Virgil to feel better. Finally his breathing calms down a little bit but Roman doesn't stop. Virgil's hand rests on Roman's chest. Right on his heart.

"Your heart has funny beat." whispers Virgil into the darkness.

Roman holds his breath. _What is he supposed to say?_

"Are you afraid of me?" asks Virgil sadness flashing through his soft voice.

This time Roman chuckles quietly, letting out the air that gathered in his chest.

"No, I'm not afraid of you. I'm just glad that you opened yourself a little bit."

"Mhmm..." hums Virgil to his chest. Every vibe of his hum rolls through Roman's body. His lips are dangerously close to Virgil’s' head. "I like it." says Virgil after few minutes "I like the sound of your heart."

Roman face is burning.

_"Roman, calm down Virgil obviously didn't mean anything romantic by that. You just watch way too many romantic movies. Also he's probably sleepy. It's middle of the night."_

"It's normal..." Roman coughs awkwardly "Just a heartbeat."

Next thing he hears makes his vision go all sorts of red.

"No." whispers Virgil quietly, clenching his fist on Roman's shirt "Yours is special."

Roman's body is burning and that's probably why he can't feel how hot Virgil's face is.

 

Virgil's POV

" _Welcome to the Parade of Great Embarrassment, Virge."_

Virgil closes his eyes.

Roman's heartbeat muffles Voice. It's so melodic. So beautiful. Sounds like a lullaby. Virgil's eyes feel more and more heavy but he doesn't want to fall asleep. Not again. Not yet. The darkness is intimating. And Roman is so close.

Virgil feels so small sitting on his laps.

_"Am I too heavy? Are my bones hurting him? Am I breathing too loud? Am I smelly?"_

All these thoughts drift away when he focuses on Roman's heartbeat. Sure. The problems are still there. Voice still giggles in his mind but all of these seem a little bit more bearable now. Everything screamed in him when he said that Roman's heartbeat is special but he just had to. Virgil knows that he's not good at logical words. He's not Logan who is walking dictionary and he's not Patton who's not afraid to express his feelings.

Virgil poured everything in that " _yours is special_ ". His heart is trembling afraid that Roman will instantly push him away. It doesn't happen. Instead Roman's heart starts beating faster.

_"It doesn't mean anything Virge."_

Right, it doesn't mean anything. Probably Roman just feels awkward. But he doesn't push Virgil away.

He's never been clingy type of person but Roman makes him wanna move closer and closer until there's no space between them. _Until there's no gap between their lips._ Virgil blushes. He knows he shouldn't think about that. That's the easiest path to the heartbreak.

Virgil closes his eyes. His eyelids are so heavy. He feels himself drifting away.

He barely feels when something soft brushes the top of his head.

" _Must be wind."_

 Roman’s POV

Roman wakes up alone. Curled on the couch but covered with blanket he is sure, he hasn’t had around himself while falling asleep. The memory of tickly hair which he brushed with his lips, still dances on his skin and in his heart. He’s sure Virgil was already asleep when he placed the kiss. His secret is still safe. His eyes lands on the coffee table next to him. A folded piece of paper lies on it, a corner covered with an empty can of coke.

“ _ ~~Dear Roman~~ Princey, ~~~~_

_~~I figured out that this morning would be awkward so I ran away~~ _

_I had to leave early today ~~because of~~ . ~~~~_

_I will forever cherish every moment we shared yesterday/today._

_But I beg you not to tell Logan ~~or~~ and Patton about this whole… situation._

_I want to discuss it with you first because I guess the are some stuff you could misunderstand._

_~~I will be back in the afternoon.~~ _

_-V._

_PS I cleaned the kitchen. In the morning. I may be snuggly but damn it boi you have really hard sleep.”_

 

Roman carefully folds the paper. He’s not satisfied. he's not satisfied at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> super-additional note not really related with the plot.  
> I'm afraid some of you may groan over how awkward Roman is in this chapter. Trying to help Virgil and talking about his problems but not really doing that. I just feel like it needs a little bit of claryfication: This is fucking hard to started subject like that with mentally ill person. i know something about it myself. From both perspectives. You try, try, try but you're afraid of making a bad move. It costs a lot of tries and failures to finally conduct a conversation like that but to all of you who are still in this phase: keep trying, open your mouth even if no words come out of it, you can do this, if not today than tomorrow.


	13. Confessing to a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil talks to Elliot.  
> Roman talks to Logan and Patton.  
> And there's a lot of talking in general.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm scars mention, suicidal thoughts mention, toxic relationship
> 
> (also this is the longest chapter so far so good luck)

Virgil's POV

The streets are cold and empty, not even a single person walks a dog, not a single car violates the quietness of the sleeping city. Virgil  takes out his earphones and sighs. This is the city he can endure. Quiet, sleepy, humanless. It's 7am, Sunday morning and Virgil feels that he can finally breathe. The suffocating closeness he was part of last night is gone.

He's not used to this much feelings. Not with a stranger. Not with Roman. It felt great. Roman's arms around him, his scent, his warm body and tender voice. It all felt amazing. But Virgil just doesn't know how to act in situations like this. Sure, he opened up a little bit. But is that a good thing?  Sure, it was good to hear the words of reassurance which smoothed his trembling soul and muffled loud scream in his mind but he can't help but wonder if any of these were true.

He wants to believe in Roman's honesty, he wants to believe that he meant what he said but Virgil keeps asking himself if it was possible for someone like Roman to say beautiful things like that to someone like Virgil?

He knows very well that it's practically impossible. Roman has just good heart that's all. He knows how to inspire and make people feel better but for Virgil being cheered up isn't enough. Because he doesn't know how to persevere in this state. Being up in the air, he just falls down when Roman lets him go. Virgil can’t fly by himself. He doesn’t have wings like others.

The memory of sleeping Roman dances in Virgil's memory. The touch of his hands, trying absently to bring Virgil back, still caresses Virgil's skin. His cheeks warm a little bit. He has to admit- he had moment of weakness. The moment when he seriously considered staying on the couch, squeezed to Roman's side. The moment when he considered listening to Roman's heartbeat forever. The moment when his fingers were inches away from Roman's face and it felt so right.

Soft sound of Virgil's bouncing steps conducts the quiet life of the suburbs of the city. There are almost no tall buildings, only small houses hidden behind wooden fences and old trees. Virgil knows this part of city very well. The place where time stops. He knows every pavement and every pine tree. He has spent most of his life here after all, only watching the big city-life from the distance.

Virgil slows down until he stops in front of big, grey, modern gate. The lens of the camera fixes at him but he knows that no one sits behind it. Sighing quietly he walks to the door and types in the code. The door click softly and Virgil slips onto the premises. Nothing has changed here. The porch is still ridiculously clean as if even the trees remembered to clean up their fallen leafs. Virgil opens the door to the house and walks in. Apparently the house keeper is still asleep. Good, Virgil doesn’t want to drag extra attention. He tip-toes upstairs. The floor under his light steps doesn't make even a single sound. He opens the door to his room and takes a deep breath.

It's dusty but pleasantly familiar. Purple walls and dark furniture. The only thing that just doesn't suit this place is that awful neatness. Virgil frowns. He could stay a little bit longer here but he knows that it would completely drain him out of emotions. As much as he feels safe here, the unpleasant memories rub him right in the face. He sees every corner of this room like a little cage he used to close himself in. He knows that now he's not doing much better but he can at least stay few days clean, and he talks and sometimes even goes out (only because he has to be it's still his decision).

Virgil walks over to the desk. His old books, notebooks and papers lay there neatly folded. He folded them before moving out. And since them no one has touched them. No one uses this room anymore. Virgil's almost sure that no one even remembers how does it look like. His parents for sure don't. He can't recall the last time they were here. He runs a hand through his hair before crouching next to the drawer. He carefully takes out his old music sheets. The music he used to play before he started that band thing with Elliot. The titles of the song are bitter-sweet, all same cliché. Virgil hates them but gently puts all papers into his bag and opens another drawer only to find new pile of sheets.

His body swings back and he lays down on the floor. Why did he come here at the first place? It's not even his destiny. It was an impulse, he just couldn't pass this gate.

Tears gather in the corner of his eyes. First tear roll down his cheek, before falling on the carpet. _Nothing has changed. He’s still the same of a pathetic person who used to be._ He checks the time. It's almost 8am, so he has to leave now before the house keeper sees him. He can use the front door but he opens the window instead. Just like in the past. The windowsill delicately creaks under his feet.

_"Fat pig..."_

_"_ You decided to finally show up now, huh?" mumbles Virgil to himself looking down.

_"I'm always here when you're on the edge."_

"Shut up, I'm fine."

_"If you were I wouldn't be here. If you were fine, you wouldn't consider jumping off right now."_

"Shut up, I'm not jumping."

_"No but you want to."_

Virgil groans and grabs the downpipe before sliding down it. The grass under his feet is muddy from the rain. The air smells like forest and morning fog. Virgil jumps over the fence and directs his feet to the house few streets away. He sends one text to the only person he fully knows he can trust. And that he knows is not asleep.

**_Virgil:_ ** _In need of a friend. Will be in 5._

He appears on the street few minutes later and immediately spots a small dressed all-black person.

"There he comes, the prince of this land." snorts Elliot crossing arms on their chest "What do I own this pleasure? It feels like I've seen you just two days ago..."

"Cut the crap Elli. I have a problem." Virgil feels the blush crawling down his neck.

"Oh?" Elliot raises their eyebrow.

"Yeah, it seems…” there’s no time for beating around the bush “It seems that I like some. Romantically..." Virgil spits on the pavement, trying to get rid of the poison burning his tongue and heart alive.

"Oh, shit man." whistles Elliot. "Come on in." they open the door.

"Is Mitchell still asleep?" asks Virgil quietly.

Elliot shrugs.

"Who knows, I don't and I definitely don't care if we wake him up." the anger covers his words thickly and Virgil knows that they have to discuss this later.

They climb upstairs passing the bedroom. Elliot's house is much smaller than Virgil's, their parents moved away to the city-center few months ago leaving all the place under Elliot's control. For most of the time they reside here alone, unless Mitchell happens to stop by.

Ever since Virgil can remember, Elliot and him used to sit at the attic, watch movies, drink and smoke in the memory of all the jerks that broke their hearts. Years passed and the attic started to become too small for their problems but they still stay there for most of the time.

Elliot opens the small window in the roof, letting the fresh air in. They sit in front of Virgil and hug their giant teddy bear. The secret that stays between them and Virgil.

"So... Who is it?" their chin disappears in teddy bear's fluffy head.

Virgil bites his lips.

"Five questions?" asks Elliot smiling smugly.

"Y-yeah..." agrees Virgil.

"Do I know him?"

_Nod._

"Is he an old friend?"

_Shake._

"Usual type?"

_Shake._

"Oh shit Virge don't tell me that..."

"Two questions left." reminds Virgil quietly.

"Ugh, fine. Does he happen to live with you?"

_Nod._

"Is that Romeo?"

"He's name is Roman." hisses Virgil and slaps a hand at his mouth. _Shit._

Elliot smirks.

"So Roman huh?" he smile disappears quickly "How are you going to solve this? I swear to god I'm gonna kill him if he hurts you, I will fucking cut out his heart and serve it to Mitchell, I will-"

"Chill Elli. It's not happening." Virgil looks up to see the grey sky behind the window and shrugs "He's not... He doesn't feel the same way I do. And he will never do."

"You sure?" Elliot watches Virgil carefully, their fingers strokes teddy’s big ears.

"Positive..." Virgil bites his tongue before more words spill out of him but Elliot has already noticed the unspoken part.

"But?" their feet gently nudge Virgil who lets out an awkward giggle.

"But... It felt... Today... I mean T-tonight..." Virgil stutters trying to put into words what happened last night.

"Deep breathe in and out Virgil, you got this." calms Elliot and Virgil smiles thankfully.

"We had a moment." he says finally "Or at least it _felt_ like a moment. He... he saw the shit on my arms, I hit the bottom, I broke down in front of him and... he didn't run away." tears shine in Virgil's eyes but he's still smiling "He didn't run away Elli. He stayed until I calmed down and then we watched a movie and then I fell asleep and I had a nightmare. Everything was hurting me, you know just usual stuff and he... He! He was so wonderful! And..."

"And?"

"And he hugged me and suddenly everything was so quiet. My body was still hurting but he was there and it felt like I was living for his heartbeat. It was so wonderful Elli!" Virgil smiles shyly and grabs Elliot's hands "So! Wonderful! And he told me so many nice stuff and hugged me so tight that I was right next to his heart! He was just amazing! Amazing!" Virgil takes few deep breaths, abruptly slowing down "He didn't run away Elliot... Everybody run away from me..."

Elliot puts the teddy bear aside and gently hugs Virgil letting his forehead rest on their shoulder. They feel the blood rushing under Virgil's skin and his rapid, excited breath. And they are worried. They are worried about their friend. But the happiness Roman gave to Virgil… Elliot can’t ignore that.

"You said that you don't stand a chance and you know it, right? But to me, Virgil, it seems that you’ve already given it a chance. The question is if you're ready to face it." Elliot rubs Virgil's back. They feel as Virgil's breath hitches. The faint sounds of the morning’s life come from the downstairs. They can hear Mitchell's bare feet slipping across the floor. The steps become louder and finally the trapdoor on the floor raises up, showing Mitchell's annoyed face.

"El, where the hell are-"

Virgil immediately straightens up, fixing his eyes in Mitchell himself. These two have always hated each other. Whenever Virgil looks at Mitchell he sees Elliot's face covered with tears because of that bastard. He asked them to end this toxic relationship too long ago but somehow Mitchell finds his way back to Elliot.

"Oh, you're here, faggot." snorts Mitchel, resting his arms on the floor while the rest of his body is still hidden under the floor.

"Long time no see, dick." mumbles Virgil.

"At least I have one." smirks Mitchel evilly.

"Yeah, on the contrary to brain." Virgil smiles lightly seeing that his last remark swept Mitchel off his feet.

"Could you stop fighting for now? I'm still here." Elliot waves their hand trying to break the fierce eye-contact between Virgil and Mitchell.

Mitchell turns away his gaze first almost hearing happy cheering coming from Virgil's heart.

"Oh course honey..." purrs Mitchell softly "I will give you two some space." he says and disappears in the floor.

"Geeez, I hate this guy." hisses Virgil "I have no idea why are you with him. There's not a single decent thing about him." he shifts his gaze at Elliot who blushes slightly.

"You know... He's nice sometimes, Virge..." Elliot sighs dreamily "He took me out of the city to spend a weekend with me."

"That was few weeks ago..." mutters Virgil.

"Well, we're gonna compare our dates when you will actually get yours in your hands!" exclaims Elliot and gets up. They're quite short so their head doesn’t hit the roof "And I'm gonna make sure that you and your Romeo will get closer!"

Virgil blinks few times. Hasn't he made it clear that he knows he stands no chance? Hasn't he ensure Elliot that he won't even try to ask Roman out? Elliot grins happily seeing confusion on Virgil's face.

"He seems to make you happy and held you when I wasn’t there. He’s okay. I’m willing to give you two a try. So tell me Virge…” Elliot leans smiling slyly “How many times has Roman seen you in Anxiety's persona?"

"O-only once bu-ut I don't think it was his type really?" stutters Virgil, his face is flushing red and it's visible even under his foundation "He w-was all stiff around me and almost afraid."

"Yeah afraid that you will notice his boner." snorts Elliot, folding hands on their chest.

"Elli!" squeals Virgil kicking Elliot off their feet. Luckily for them the big bear is there to make the fall softer. Friends look at each other before bursting into light-hearted laughter.

"So what do you say Virge? Are you willing to give a try of my idea about knocking Roman off his beautiful, long legs with the use of Anx appearance? You know I have some of your stuff here." Elliot smiles brightly and even despite raising anxiety Virgil knows that he simply can't say "no".

"...Only if you go with me." Virgil reluctantly raises his hand, letting Elliot's fingers wrap around his.

"We have a deal then. Now, let's get you in the shape Anx!"

Virgil takes Elliot's hand and lets himself being pulled up. Why shouldn't he try this? He has nothing to lose.

_"Oh, really Virge?"_

His heart is hammering.

 

Roman's POV

This day has been simply a disaster! Roman has been trying to figure out if texting Virgil would be appropriate in this situation. He has no idea what he could write. What do people write to each other after a night full of tears and confessions. And no, sadly not love confessions.

Finally Roman sits in front of his laptop and carefully scrolls various websites dedicated to mental illnesses. What he reads there is horrible. He always knew that having a depression was nothing remotely close to little girl, sitting in the corner with broken-heart with aesthetic rivers of tears flowing down her face but this... has outgrown all his worst fears. Quickly Roman pulls out his notebook, not even paying attention the color of the pen he's using.

 _"I’m frightened_." he writes quickly, his usual loopy, elegant letters are shaky and a little bit sharp edged _"I have no idea what is going on in his head. And because of that I don't know how to help him. He opened up to me and I... I don't know how to ease his pain, what to do? Does he want me to do something? I can't stop thinking... did he still hear these terrifying thoughts when we were together? Did I make it even worse? ~~And~~  My feelings for him doesn't help at all. I care even more, it's hurting that I don't know what to do.  I feel disappointed and disgusted with myself that I enjoyed having him close to myself when he was clearly having hard time. Does it make me a horrible person? Should I apologize? Will I ever be able to look him in the eyes again? He has such a beautiful eyes. ~~They shine~~."_

Roman puts his pen down and looks at the page. It's covered with black.

\---

"Logan! Patton!" exhales Roman with relief wrapping his arms around his friends’ necks and hugging them tightly "Oh good that you're back!" He shuts down eyes giving himself the last chance to re-think if he really wants to talk with them about Virgil.

He has been thinking a lot about that coming to conclusion that he's going to respect Virgil's ask to keep his problems hidden for now. Roman can't betray him just when he opened up a little bit. He has already messed enough.

"Oh kiddo!" Patton lets his bag fall on the ground while Logan tries to gently wiggle out of the hug "I've missed you too!" Logan breaks out of the hug and Patton places a wet, warm, platonic kiss on Roman's smooth cheek.

Roman moves away awkwardly.

"I actually wanted to talk with you about something." he folds his hands behind the back and starts rocking back and forward on his toes. Logan and Patton exchange distressed look. Roman isn't really the first one to be nervous or worried. Which means that this is something important.

They rush to their room to put down their stuff. When they come back, Roman is sitting on the couch with his elbows resting on the knees and face slightly hidden in his hands. They can almost see the cogs turning in his head, they can almost hear the gritting sound they made. It awfully reminds whining. Patton, being the one who understands other's people emotions better, quietly sits next to Roman while Logan chooses his usual armchair, ready to intervene if needed.

Patton slowly brushes Roman's thick hair of his high, pale forehead. He notices the dark eye-bags under his eyes. Roman sighs and opens his eyes, carefully scanning the room.

"Roman, kiddo... I'm worried about you." says concerned Patton, letting his hand slip down Roman's spine. "Have you slept well last night? You look tired..."

Roman smiles lightly.

"I fell asleep only in the morning. Somehow I couldn't... fall asleep earlier." his mind fills with the memories. They are all full of Virgil. His petite body placed on Roman's laps. His peaceful breath warming up his chest and heart. His soft hair. He actually did find one hair on his shirt today. He put it into his notebook. As cliché as it sounds.

"Why?" Patton helplessly tilts his head looking for any hint on Roman's face.

"I... I was with V-Virgil." Roman's voice delicately melts as the name slips out of his mouth. The room turns quiet, the name fly through the head of each man. Roman takes a deep breath "I think I fell for him."

The air in the room stirs. So does Patton's heart. So does Logan's brain.

"But you two barely spend time together." points Logan a little bit shyly. "Basing on my research the love from the first sight is mostly unlikely to occur in the real life and it is almost impossible to develop such a strong feeling forward someone in such a short period of time."

"You spent a lot of time with him." says Roman quietly, shifting his gaze at Logan. He didn't mean to say it as an accuse but the little drop of jealousy is clearly flowing up on the surface of his sentence. "Are you jealous?"

Logan arches his eyebrow but quickly breaks into soft, caring smile. His fingers are folded on the level of his chest and he rests his chin on that small "bridge".

"No, I'm not, Roman. Virgil and I are simply similar in many aspects."

Roman nods. That makes sense. Besides he doesn't have any grounds to suspect that Logan is lying.

"However I would like to know what made you..." Logan doesn't finish his sentence as he's not sure what he should put at the end.

"Made me fall for him?" Roman bites his lips trying to hide the goofy smile that bloomed on his face "He is... extraordinary. He's so much more than he shows on the outside! He's so caring, he pays attention to his surrounding even if he doesn't show that! He works so hard! And his love for music? It just shows how passionate person he can be! I can see this in his eyes. Have you guys seen his eyes?" Roman looks around dazzily "They are the most beautiful and exquisite thing on this world! Brighter than the brightest of stars! And his lips! Oh don't even get me started! So full, so adorably pink, so delicate! And his skin... beautiful... "Roman gulps "Every inch of his skin is beautiful."

"Oh Roman!" gasps Patton and throws arms around his friend "This is so cute! So cute kiddo!"

The blush that waited with painting Roman’s face red, finally appears going from his neck up to his cheeks.

"As much as I am happy for you Roman, have you wondered how complicated this can be?" asks Logan coolly. Roman brings himself to look at him. Logan is frowning, making it look like he was calculating pros and cons.

"Lo, with all the respect I have for you, sorry but I can't do anything about it. And even if I could... I don't know if I want to stop feeling this." he moves his folded hands on his heart and with eyes fixed into the ceiling sighs deeply. The warm feeling fills his body and soul.

"No offence Roman but you're the most fanciful person I've ever met." laughs Logan quietly. They're fine. Roman knows that Logan cares about him, that's why he comes up with these awfully logical and hardly romantic questions.

"So... do you plan to tell him?" teases Patton, nudging Roman's ribs "Or maybe... you've told him already last night?" he adds when Roman blushes upon hearing the first question.

"Oh God no!” Roman laughs awkwardly "I doubt he feels the same way as I do."

"Oh but you have to tell him!" Patton clenches hands on the sleeve of Roman's shirt "You two would be so... so..." he looks at Logan trying to him the right words.

"Exceptional?" Logan arches eyebrow.

"Yes! Exactly!" claps Patton excitedly.

"I'm not sure if he's single." declares Roman quietly drawing small circles on his lap. The sight of Elliot happily hugging Virgil and Virgil being so close to Elliot and these awful rumor he has heard from Olaf...

"Oh..." Patton frowns clearly concerned with this unexpected news.

"You're not sure, right?" points Logan and gets up "I suggest you to clarify this situation. In terms of suspicions like that misunderstanding mostly lead to what is called painful heart-breaks. If you ask Virgil directly and he says yes, you will at least know to give up. However if he says no, you will be able to conduct a romantic grand gestures that you’re always so keen on providing.”

"Lo is right Roman! You should totally ask him about that!" agrees Patton.

Roman lightly bites his nail. What his friends are saying is true but he still doesn't know what are Virgil's boundaries. Which questions are too intimidate? The last thing Roman wants is to confuse Virgil even more. Or worse- drive him on the edge of another panic attack. He clicks his tongue before speaking again:

"But wouldn't that be just awkward? I mean how do you start a conversation like that?" he helplessly looks at Logan who leans against the counter in the kitchen.

Logan cautiously puts his finger on his lips, letting Roman and Patton know to be quiet. Few seconds later the door open and from the sound of first step Roman knows that he's in troubles.

Virgil takes his time to walk in but when he does show himself to Roman he looks like a freaking million dollars. Roman is almost sure that his eyes are currently heart-shaped. This is his second occasion to see Virgil looking like that. He's wearing skinny, leather, black pants with at least three silver chain letters hanging loosely around his waist. The hoodie is nowhere to be found. Instead he has black turtleneck and long crisscrossed shirt. The only difference from the last time is that today Virgil looks a little bit shy, like his usual self. And oh god isn't that shy face the most adorable thing Roman has seen in his life? He shoots up and moves few steps closer to Virgil.

They size themselves up. Both similarly shy, the memories from last night swirl in their head.

Roman can hear Patton's quiet giggle behind himself.

"Hi." says Roman finally surprised how steady his voice is. He scratches the back of his neck. His hand feels oddly cold on it.

"H-hi Roman..." stutters Virgil, now looking everywhere but at Roman's face. "Hi Patton, hi Logan..." he waves awkwardly at them, softly jiggling with his bracelets.

Suddenly someone springs to Virgil through the opened front door, smiling sweetly. Their hand wrap around Virgil's arm, squeezing it lightly.

“Hiya Virgil! And Virgil’s… friend?” smiles cheerfully Patton “Looking very neat today V! I wouldn’t recognize you if I haven’t seen you dressing like that before!”

"Hella hot am I right?” grins Elliot responding instead of Virgil “Will you introduce me Virge? I think you didn't do that last time." Elliot softly pokes Virgil's cheek and Roman blushes. His heart is racing so afraid of what Virgil would say.

"S-sure. Elli this is Logan, Patton and R-roman." is Roman imagining things or has Virgil took a short break before saying his name? "Everybody this is Elli. They're... they're a friend of mine."

Roman lets out the breath he has been holding since Elliot appeared on the horizon. He knows that Virgil is the type of person to  just label his relationship as friendship but... he has to admit it does make him feel a little bit lighter. They exchange some basic greetings but Roman feels that Elliot’s dark eyes burn holes in him. He can't just figure out why. But it makes him uneasy to say at very least.

"Why won't you stay and talk a little bit with us Elli?" asks Patton, immediately fond of this new, petite person.

"Actually we've-"

"I'd love to actually!" Elliot cuts Virgil in the middle of the sentence. The taller male sends him a death glare but finally agrees.

The rest  of the afternoon is awkward. The only people speaking are Logan, Patton and Elliot while Virgil and Roman sit squeezed next to each other, speaking only when asked about something directly. Roman's heart explodes every time he accidentally touches Virgil. He doesn't know that Virgil is burning alive himself.

When Elliot leaves everybody split and go to their rooms. Patton almost instantly falls asleep and Logan rushes to sort his noted to make sure that everything is ready for the next day of lectures. Only Roman and Virgil are left on the hallway, both standing awkwardly in front of their room.

Virgil turns to Roman, chewing on his bottom lip.

“I… I’m sorry I disappeared this morning. I kind of freaked out.” His eyelids flutter shyly, the glimmer purple eyeshadow, making them look even more mysterious than usually.

Roman leans against the door frame folding arms on his chest, trying his best to keep the distance between himself and Virgil. No stepping on boundaries. Not this time.

“Don’t sweat it Virgil, it was no big deal…” Roman strokes the sleeve of his shirt anxiously “You just needed to think everything through and I respect that. You need time and that’s okay. Just know that when you feel like you’re ready to talk about it… I’m here, right next door, okay? Just know that I’m not leaving you alone. I want you…” he takes a deep breath “I want you to feel better.”

Virgil smiles a little bit, showing a narrow line of his white teeth and puts a hand on the door handle.

“One more thing.” Stops him Roman.

“Yea?”

“Your friend’s right. You really look hot. But like… notonlytoday.” Spits out Roman and in the speed of the light disappears in his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how many times I re-wrote this chapter but damnit I hope this is at least satisfactory. This chapter could be posted earlier but I really wanted it to be at least remotely good... SO yeah, sorry about delays.
> 
> Also just wanted to say that I'm blown away with your comments guys. Every single one of your comments is just so... wow, I didn't expect this story to be so important to some of you. Just know guys that I'm always here if you need help or re-assurance. (you can also always talk to me on tumblr @royallyanxious)


	14. Sassy Lassies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil and Roman grow closer. And Emo Boi meets Olaf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: depictions of eating-disorder, self-loathing thoughts, self-harm scars, cursing, small anxiety attack meaning: usual stuff
> 
> Also: it's damn late so you may spot some typos, sorry in advance about that

Virgil's POV

                        

Virgil rubs his eyes, puffy after the sleepless night. He glances at the clock. It's time to get up. This is day 2.

Two days has passed since that tormentor evening when Roman said something weird before disappearing in his room.

" _He said you look 'not'_. _Nothing more. We’ve established that already."_ reminds Voice.

"But it doesn't make any sense." Virgil pulls a blanket over his head. "First of all- how can one look "not"?"

 _"I don't know but if anyone can, it's you_."

"But it really sounded like..." whispers Virgil to himself not able to even form that word not to mention saying it out loud. A smile spreads across his face. Tears gather in the corners of his eyes. He has been rewinding this situation for 2 fucking days, still not sure if he heard the right thing and he still can't help but feel giggly about this.

It doesn't motivate him to talk to Roman though. Actually on the contrary. Virgil has been avoiding Roman quite successfully. But today's Tuesday. Roman and Virgil start their class at the same time. Virgil decides that just like usually he will be late today, to make sure that he crawls out of his room after the rest of his housemates leaves.

He rolls out of his bed, still smiling.

" _You're disgusting. Even if he said that... It had be in the heat of the moment_." snorts Voice and Virgil can't disagree with that. He doesn't see any other logical explanation. Somehow he managed to twirl Roman with the scent of his mint gum or something... Or maybe he just fell under the amazing Anxiety persona within Virgil. After all... he looked like Anx on the evening. And Anxiety is quite delightsome with his bracelets, skinny jeans and dark, a little bit sinister make-up. Anxiety is that one thing that Virgil's proud of. And it's not even him. It doesn't feel like him. Anxiety is Anxiety and Virgil is Virgil.

He grabs random pair of black jeans and ponders what should he pull on the upper part of his body. Hoodie seems pretty safe but Virgil, crushing the first barrier of the day, hesitantly picks a black long-sleeved, loose shirt. He stands almost completely naked in front of the mirror which hangs inside his closet, being used very rarely. His hands rests on hips as he cautiously examines himself.

" _You look fat Virge. What did you eat yesterday?"_ asks Voice and it sounds like it was disappointed in him.

Virgil looks at his stomach which in his eyes looks bloated, his gaze lingers at the shape of his ribs sticking through his skin and slips lower on his hips and calfs. They look disgustingly fat. A gasp escapes from his mouth as he is taken away by the way he looks. Quickly he grabs a sharpie and scribbles on his rights hip-bone.

 _"Remember to breathe."_ says the note.  The sharpie falls on the floor with a loud "tuck". Virgil closes his eyes, taking few deep breaths.

"This is fine, I'm doing fine." he chants to himself quietly, frowning as a spiky giggle fills his head again.

 _"Sure you are, sunshine. Open your eye,  Virge."_ Virgil doesn't even know why he obeys. His hand slips down his tight. Familiar bumps and cuts feel sharp under his fingers.

"It's been more than a week though." Virgil proudly looks into his reflection. His thumb strokes the pink stripe on the outer side of his left tight. Dark and hallow eyes for a tiny bit glow with pride _. It's been a week._

" _The higher you fly, the more painful the fall is."_ pipes Voice cheerfully.

Virgil shakes his head. The house is silent so he get out of the room now. Slowly putting on his clothes and pushing away the unpleasant comments, with his head raised up, Virgil makes his way to the bathroom, protectively gripping the bag with his cosmetics. He turns on the light and stands in front of the mirror, opening the bag. Breathing seems hard today. His chest his aching but he's doing it. His smiles through his clenched teeth. In a relaxing, almost therapeutic movements he puts on his foundation and slowly applies the eyeshadow.

It's not quite his usual make-up, but it's not Anxiety's make-up either. It's something in between. Something that Virgil hasn't figured yet.

" _Look at you, Virge. Boy that  you like told you once that you look **okay** and here you are getting all crazy with that make-up. Isn't that pathetic?"_

Virgil puts down the brush. Is he really trying too hard? Does his attempts make any sense? He wanted to force himself to put on the Anxiety persona but he couldn't. This... he tilts his head trying to figure out is he looks good today... He doesn’t. And this is not even remotely close to Anxiety.

Suddenly, pulling Virgil out of his maze of thoughts, the door pop open revealing very concerned and sleepy Roman with very messy hair.

"Oh sh- sorry..." he hisses under his breath and Virgil's eyes open with terror. Roman wasn't supposed to be here by now. His heart is pounding but somehow words still roll through his throat.

"No, I'm... I was about to leave, I..." Virgil quickly gathers his supplies, erratically putting them into his bag. He's not ready to face Roman, not just yet, not ready to talk, no. He hunches his head trying to hide it, trying to blend, trying to disappear. Eyes fixed at his bag, he tries to carefully flee out of the bathroom. But Roman stands right in the middle of the entrance, making it impossible for Virgil to pass him by. "I...I can't go out..." states Virgil a little bit restlessly.

Roman isn't much taller than Virgil himself but it feels like he was towering over him in his white t-shirt and grey sweatpants. He looks stunning. Of course he does. Virgil licks his lips nervously, feeling so small in front of Roman. Is he angry at him? Virgil doesn't give him a reason to be angry at but you'll never know, right?

"Huh?" wheezes Roman light-heartily and Virgil finally brings himself to look at him. Roman is smiling. "You want to escape from doing my make-up, do you?"

Virgil dumb folds. He didn't not expect that. He almost protectively wraps hands around his bag.

"It's not like that..." he says finally. Roman's brown eyes light up, he doesn’t look sleepy anymore.

"It's settled then! We're both late for our classes anyway, we may as well skip the first one and arrive fashionable late." Roman grins brightly and Virgil loses his ability to breathe. Before he gets to catch his breath again Roman wraps his hand around Virgil's slim and fragile wrist pulling him slightly forward and taking a step back. Virgil doesn't protest, letting Roman take him to his room.

Virgil has been here only once and he was extremely stressed back then. It's hard to believe that it was a mere few days ago. So many things has happened in the meantime that it occurs like weeks has passed since the last time. Roman sits Virgil on his bed and mumbles something about coming back in a minute before he disappears behind the door.

Virgil lets out the breath he has been holding for a while and carefully puts down his bag, taking a better look at Roman's room. It's much messier than the last time. Most of the furniture are covered with Roman's clothes and there are various notebooks on his desk. Virgil surpasses a giggle. So turns out that Roman's not as aesthetically pleasing as he likes to show on his social media, huh? This is new, odd, refreshing and maybe a little bit cozy. Virgil bounces on Roman's bed. His mattress is much more puffy than Virgil's own. He wouldn't be surprised if it was made specially for Roman. Everything's possible after all.

Virgil bites his lips and listens to the sounds outside the room. Apparently Roman is taking a shower. Virgil's heart is racing, he doesn't even know why, as he slides his hand under the covers. It's still warm. It's still warm from Roman's body.

"Geeez, I'm being ridiculous." he mumbles to himself quickly pulling the hand out. Roman is still under the shower when Virgil very cautiously slips under the sheets. He closes his eyes. Everything here smells like Roman. He's careful not to stain the pillow with his crafty make-up so he puts a hand under his head. He's surrounded with softness. It embraces him in so many different ways. Not only touch but also smell and that fuzzy thing in his heart. Everything feels soft. Soft and fragile. Virgil starts trembling and quickly jumps off the bed, making sure to put everything back into its mess.

" _What if he finds out Virge? He would laugh his ass of. Maybe it was a trap from the start, huh? I've warned you but you didn't listen. Stupid, naive Virge. You never learn do you?"_

Bare feet rhythmically hit the floor outside the room, announcing that Roman himself is coming back. Virgil takes few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. He spares a glance at the bed-sheets behind him. Everything looks fine. Nothing to see here. He fixes his gaze in the bag and pretends to look for something in the there. He doesn't raise his gaze when Roman walks in. He's too scared.

Roman kneels in front of Virgil and only then he dares to look at him.

Roman looks even better. His skin is shining with the morning glow, his hair is still messy but now in much more fashionable way. And he's smiling even boarder.

Virgil's stomach does a flip and mentally he thanks himself for not eating anything in last 12 hours. He wasn't hungry anyway.

"So... would you..." Roman does a very fancy and very dramatic gesture which is probably supposed to make Virgil focus on his face. Roman doesn’t know that this face is the only thing Virgil has been focusing on for quite a while "turn me into a better version of me?" he winks at Virgil who flushes and  lets out a short, nervous laugh.

"You're a dork." mumbles Virgil quietly and Roman's eyes light up.

"No, I'm a theater geek. There's a difference, thank you very much."

"Sure Princy..." sighs Virgil but there's a pinch of playfulness in his voice. He doesn't bother to hide it. He slides down the bed and sits on the floor in front of Roman. "So what do you want me to do?" he asks opening his bag, trying to figure out if he has colors that would suit Roman's personality and preferences.

"Well, obviously I want something much brighter than..."

"Then a emo nightmare?" Virgil arches his eyebrow, smirking lightly.

Roman claps in agreement  "Exactly."

Virgil works in complete silence with great care applying make-up on Roman's bare face. His fingers feel itchy whenever he accidently brushes Roman's face. His skin is so soft. Softer than the mattress of his bed. Virgil is thankful that Roman has his eyes closed right now because he himself is burning with pure fire and he doubts that the foundation can hide it. He slowly blends the soft metallic gold into the corners of Roman's eyes. He has never used this eyeshadow anyway. The sleeves of his shirt which loosely hang around his wrists tickle Roman again and he sneezes lightly. Virgil shirks.

"I'm sorry..." he breathes out quietly moving his trembling hand away. He's almost done. Roman half-opens his eyes and looks at Virgil which sends a shiver down his spine "You...I mean… I, I know that you could finish it yourself. I mean, I can... But you, you're pretty amazing at this yourself..." he declares breathily. He fucked up didn't he? Maybe Roman doesn’t do his make-up every day but from what Virgil has seen on his social media and on these rare occasions when these two met in the common room, he can tell that Roman himself is pretty much an artist.

Roman clicks his tongue quietly but Virgil can’t sure if it’s a sign of pure disgust or slight disagreement. He looks away trying his best not to shiver too much.

 

Roman’s POV

“Virgil. Virgil look at me.” Sighs Roman but Virgil only shakes his head “Look at me Virgil… Virgie…” adds Roman in much softer and quieter voice. The tone that he used before when he was calming Virgil down in the middle of the night. Trying to be as delicate as the wings of butterfly, his fingers strokes Virgil’s chin causing him to face Roman again. The smoothness disappears and Virgil almost, as if his head was attached to Roman’s hand, chases after the latter’s fingers.

Roman’s movements are slow, as if he was in the presence of scared animal. His heart is pumping hot blood into his arteries, every pump louder and more aggressive than the previous one. Trying not to scare Virgil off and giving him chance to escape from the situation, Roman slowly touches the black, loose sleeve of Virgil’s shirt. He waits few seconds, checking in Virgil’s face if he’s okay with the gesture, before gently rolling up the fabric, gradually revealing inches of pale skin. This time he’s not scared of what he sees. The maze of white and pink lines doesn’t terrify him at all. He doesn’t let his gaze linger on Virgil’s forearm for too long. It is not his intention to make him uncomfortable. Roman, doing his best not to touch the bare skin, rolls the sleeve up to the elbow and takes his hands away, before sending Virgil a bright grin.

“Here, your sleeve won’t tackle my nose anymore. Now you can finish.” Declares Roman and Virgil meets his eyes with his own obsidian orbs. His pupils enlarge a little bit in either surprise or awe, Roman doesn’t care which one is it as long as it’s not fear.

And then Virgil does something that literally takes Roman’s breath away. Very slowly and a little bit hesitantly he raises up his right hand, the one on which the sleeve in still pulled down. The material tugs to his slender wrist before loosely falling down, creating a small cave.

“Roll up the other one too.” Says Virgil. His voice is a little bit raspy but very determined.

“Of course.” Replies Roman, sending a re-assuring smile. He still makes sure that he doesn’t linger his fingers on Virgil’s skin for too long while thoughts are rushing through his head. Virgil not only agreed on showing Roman a little bit of himself in the daylight but also offered to reveal more. The emotions are all written on the emo’s face: the hesitation, small pinch of fear, but above all- pride. Roman wants to shout on the top of his lungs how proud he is of Virgil. He wants to sings a song and perform a musical to celebrate that but instead he stays quiet, letting Virgil finish the rest of the make-up. Leaving enough space for Virgil to relax a little bit, Roman closes down his eyes.

The touch of the brush is even more gentle this time as Virgil works on the inner corner of Roman’s eyes. It takes only a few minutes before Virgil announces that he’s done. Roman opens his eyes carefully to meet Virgil’s dark eyes staring at him. Neither of them turn away until Roman opens the camera on his phone to see the final effect. Virgil hasn’t gone wild with the colors, sticking to metallic gold with small pinch of red. It looks absolutely amazing.

“I simply adore this Virgil. You could totally have a make-up youtube channel. I would be the very first subscriber.” Roman shines a smile, admiring the masterpiece Virgil has created on his face. In the corner of his eye, just above the line of Roman’s eyelashes, he somehow managed to fit in small drawing of a crown made with a black eyeliner.

Virgil laughs awkwardly, resting his hands behind his back.

“I doubt I’m that good. Simply years of practice.” His fingers taps the floor lightly. “You should have seen my first attempts, they were pathetic. Elli keeps few photos of these, you can ask them about it.”

Roman’s heart twitches. So they know each other for quite a while then.

“I doubt they will show me…” Roman shuts off his phone, putting it on the ground. The foggy concept of college absolutely fades away in his head.

Virgil snorts.

“Oh, believe me. They will show you with great joy and bright, sinister smile on their face. They may look non-threatening but deep down they’re pure devil.”

“Actually…” Roman scratches the back of his head, all his encounters with Elliot flashing through his head “They look very threatening. And I’m almost sure they don’t like me. I literally thought that their gaze would pierce me through last Sunday.”

He means it as a joke but for an unknown reasons Virgil blushes a little bit, tinting pale cheeks with a soft shade of pink. He forces out a laugh.

“Y-yeah, they tend to do that with my new…” he stops abruptly, biting down his lips.

“New friends?” suggests Roman carefully.

Virgil nods quickly and gets up.

“Look at the time, we don’t wanna be late, right?” he folds arms on his chest. The white scars brightly reflect the sun. Roman looks up at Virgil. His face hidden in the shadow of his bangs, black clothes and thin body. Roman’s a little bit torn apart. He has done such a big step in his relation with Virgil, his crush didn’t run away from him anymore, even after Roman so bluntly declared that he finds Virgil dashing hot. He wants to take another step forward but he has no idea how much of that step would be him going hand to hand with Virgil and how much would be him pushing Virgil and harming him. Roman gulps. He’s running out of time and he knows it as he watches Virgil pick up his eyeshadows and brushes.

“I assume you haven’t eaten breakfast yet?” asks Roman quickly, splitting the words out of his mouth.

Virgil stops in the middle of the action. He literally freezes in the spot. It lasts only for a few seconds but it’s enough for Roman to notice the fear in his eyes, the way his face whitened, the nervous twitch of his fingers.

“I usually eat breakfast at home.” Says Virgil finally, straightening up. He says it smoothly and Roman almost falls into it, accepting the response. Almost.

“But you were too preoccupied today so you didn’t have time, right?” Roman smirks smugly “Come on, let me treat you with something Virgil! As a way to thank you for doing my make-up?” Roman puts on his best puppy-eyes expression that he has been trying to learn from Patton.

“O-okay… This one time.” Nods Virgil with difficulty, his voice significantly weaker than earlier. He doesn’t look into Roman’s eyes as he walks out of the room.

“But… like…” Virgil stops in the middle of the room, his eyes are fixed at the floor and he nervously fiddles with the rolled up sleeve “I would prefer to cover… them.” He says breathily, quickly looking at Roman as if he needed an approval.

“Of course. Whatever you’re comfortable with.” Says Roman watching Virgil pull down the sleeves.

\---

The leave the house in rush. Roman doesn’t even bother to check if he took the right books. As soon as they leave the apartment Virgil visibly hunches his shoulders, his hands gripping on the strip of his bag. Roman pretends that he doesn’t see that knowing that it would probably only made Virgil more anxious. Instinctively he chooses to use stairs instead of elevator. Even though he himself is comfortable with silence, he can’t be sure if Virgil’s okay with that. They quickly go down and cross the campus. It’s almost empty as most of the students are in the middle of their classes. Roman checks the time. They still have almost an hour.

“So… where are we going?” asks Virgil finally, straightening up a little bit.

“The weather’s not bad so I was meaning to take you to one of my favorite cafes. It’s not so far away and they serve absolutely amazing coffee! I hope you don’t mind.”

Virgil hums in response and that’s the conversation stops. Roman glimpses at Virgil from time to time. His lips form a small smile which makes him look like the most beautiful, delicate, fallen angel. The greatest masterpiece of the ultimate ancient sculptor. His chalky skin looks even paler than it does indoors, almost shining in the sun like a skin of a freaking Twilight’s vampire. Or maybe it’s Virgil himself who shines so brightly? Maybe it has nothing to with the sun? Nevertheless Roman has never seen someone so beautiful.

“You’re staring.” Mumbles Virgil finally. Roman flushes a little bit. He hasn’t realize that Virgil noticed.

“Well… haven’t I told you that you’re a pleasure to my eyes?”  Roman asks calmly, surprised with how steady his voice is. He tears his gaze away and looks up at the sky. A faint blow of the wind ruffles his hair and cools down the blush on his cheek. He’s too afraid to look at Virgil.

“I… Well…” Virgil coughs awkwardly “I didn’t think you were serious. Back then.” He says finally.

“I can appreciate art, Virgil. I’m a theatre geek after all.” Hums Roman lightly, stealing a single glance at Virgil. He looks confused but the smile doesn’t disappear from his face. They stay silent for the rest of the walk.

\---

Roman opens the door of the café for Virgil. There are hardly any costumers in there. The morning fever has come to an end and early brunch people still haven’t arrived. Perfect. Roman orders a latte and one of the muffins, cautiously observing Virgil who clearly is having a hard time. He shifts uncomfortably standing in front of the window with food. Dark eyes scan every piece of cake, every sandwich and every jelly. His knuckles, gripping on the bag, turn awfully white. The blue veins radiate, twitching rhythmically as Virgil takes a hitched breath in. Roman carefully moves closer to him. He has already seen him going through panic attack but it has never happened in public.

Roman leans a little bit.

“Do you need help Virgil?” he whispers. His so close that he can see small, fluffy, white hair covering Virgil’s ear.

The latter shakes his head and takes a deep breath in before finally making an order. He buys some plain muesli yoghurt and black coffee. They sit back in the corner of the café.

“Sorry for brining you here. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.” Says Roman finally, taking a bite of a muffin. The chocolate heaven melts on his tongue. Virgil keeps stirring the yoghurt in his jar. Little silver spoon goes up and down, to the right and to the left, never touching Virgil’s lips.

“I’m fine. I just… Don’t like making decisions on the spot.” Smiles Virgil faintly putting down the yoghurt and taking a sip of the coffee instead.

“You shouldn’t drink this on an empty stomach.” Points Roman. He rest his elbows on the knees and leans a little bit forward.

“Ah, right I forgot about it…” Virgil chuckles and with a shaking hand takes a small spoon of the yoghurt. His lips barely touch the food, pink tongue appears only for a piece of second to take a small lick. Virgil puts down the rest, immediately sticking the spoon back to the jar. He grabs his coffee again and empties the cup with two sips.

“You seem to forget about eating a lot…” Roman looks out of the window, knowing that he won’t be able to hide the concern. Virgil is quiet. The coffee maker loudly grinds the coffee, making it almost impossible to listen to the piano music playing from the local radio station. The time slowly down. Even the wind outside of the café seems to blow in much slower manner. Few leafs spins around in the wind. Roman frowns and directs his gaze back at Virgil who keeps stirring his yoghurt. “If you don’t like it, buy something else.” Suggest Roman even though he knows that’s not the case.

Virgil shrugs.

“It tastes nice but I’m not hungry…”

Suddenly someone’s olive hands slams the table and both of men jumps with surprise. It takes Roman only half of a second to realize who stands next to him. Olaf.

“Hey Ro, am I interrupting something?” he smiles sneakily, shifting a gaze from Roman to Virgil and again back at Roman.

“No, not at all.” Responds Roman evenly knowing that he can’t reply in any other way if he wants to avoid the nasty rumors.

“Great.” Warbles Olaf cheerfully before throwing himself on the seat next to Roman. Their hips rub against each other, Roman’s solid and muscular and Olaf’s a little bit more chubby. “You’re Roman’s roommate aren’t you? I’m his friend. Olaf.” Olaf reaches out a hand and Virgil shakes it awkwardly.

“V-Virgil.” He says quietly, clearly uncomfortable with revealing that information “But call me Vee.”

A sly smile spreads across Olaf’s face.

“Nice to meet you Vee. Roman was sooo secretive about you. Like literally, do you know that you’re in the center of the interest of whole college?” rambles Olaf “You’re like a shadow, you’re there but no one can catch you.”

“More like a wind then.”  Virgil points out with delight. There’s a small change in his attitude. He’s posture is much more confident and he looks Olaf directly in his eyes. Roman blinks in confusion. Just a few minutes ago Virgil was literally trying to grow into his chair.

Olaf groans clearly frustrated. His licks his lips before shooting another information.

“And in addition your boyfriend is pretty damn hot! With his leather jacket and that shades! Super-mysterious too! Isn’t he jealous that you spend time with other male? Only two of you in the café!” exclaims Olaf loudly. His words are directed to Virgil but in reality his attention is fixed at Roman sitting next to him.

Roman’s face turns pale. He raises his gaze trying to find something in Virgil’s eyes. But his roommate only closes his eyes, amusement written all over his face.

“Rem? Why would he be jealous?”  he laughs bitterly before crushing the paper mug in his hand. “It was lovely talking to you. Both of you, but I have to go to one place so…” Virgil gets up and shoots finger guns which pierce dumb folded Roman “… see you later sassy lassies.” With these words he leaves the café.

Roman stares at the doors numbly. He has never heard of Rem. He has no idea who’s that. Is that the guy Olaf has told him about before? Roman foolishly assumed that it was Elliot but now… And the worst thing is that Virgil didn’t even bother to deny. Dramatic, fanciful heart beats in an irregular pattern. Each beat sends painful wave of needles through  Roman’s body. Olaf fully faces him.

“So Roman… tell me… Would you like to know more about that Rem dude?” twisted smile contorts Olaf’s freckled face. “Because something in your beautiful eyes, my dear, suggests me that you don’t know much about him…” Olaf gently cups Roman’s face.

Roman wants to pull away, he really does, but he can’t find enough strength. He’s too lost. Olaf leans a blows away the hair from Roman’s ear.

“Remember that everything has its cost though.”

Roman doesn’t even know why he nods in agreement.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify something: the rapid changes in Virgil's behavior can totally happen in reality. People with certain mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety disorder in stressful situation can start acting in confident or cheerful way. This is literally when anxiety kicks in and tries its best to protect this person. I wanted to point this out because I know that many readers are not familiar with problems like that and may find this behavior unnatural.  
> Remember that mental illnesses have many faces and they differe depending from the person.  
> Stay safe folks and thank you for reading!


	15. Stormy Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Virgil finally open his eyes, also can Roman please MAKE A MOVE?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: small anxiety attack, awful pining, self-harm mention

Roman's POV

"I'm not going anywhere with you and I would be extremely happy if you stopped asking." sighs Roman dramatically, not letting Olaf open his mouth. He knows that look, he knows that smile, he knows what that a little bit sweaty hand on his arm means. It means troubles. And Roman avoids troubles at all cost. Unless they have purple hair, milky skin and wear black hoodie.

Roman eyes Virgil who sits leaned against the wall on the opposite side of the yard. It seems that he hasn't noticed Roman yet. His delicate, skinny, hidden in black clothes, silhouette hides in the shadow of the building. This is the first time ever Roman sees Virgil on the campus. For a while he was even wondering if Virgil was for real taking any course. Roman's heat skips a beat. He looks so...lonely. It hits Roman how different his own and Virgil's worlds are.

Here he is, Roman, the prince of the theatre department. Always surrounded with group of loud, a little bit annoying people. Followed by packs of fans of his sns persona. And then.... there's Virgil. Hidden in the shadows. Quiet, cautious, probably scared.

Olaf keeps blabbing right into Roman's ear. Something about some music festival or something. Roman doesn't listen at all. His gaze remains fixed at Virgil. Suddenly his eyebrows furrow as he notices tall man walking over to Virgil. The person stops, they exchange few words and stranger goes away, leaving a weird pinch of jealousy in Roman's heart. How wonderful it must be to just be able to talk to Virgil without stressing over your look and what you say?

"Roooooman." whispers Olaf right to said man's ear and Roman jumps on the spot. He hasn't even realized that this boy is practically hanging on his shoulder.

"What?" barks Roman in quite a rude manner causing a cold-blooded laugh at Olaf himself.

"May I get your attention, please? Or are you too busy staring at..." Olaf once again makes Roman lean down to him "...one, specific emo, huh?" he moves away quickly "I thought you don't want anyone to find about your secret?" he arches an eyebrow smirking. Something about his round, smiling face remains Roman of a tiger pinning after its prey. He knows that Olaf himself isn't dangerous but the rumors he's in possession at... they are dangerous. There's hardly one person in the college who wouldn't sell their soul to get to know a little bit more about Roman's love-life.

A little bit disappointed and defended in that silent war Roman spares one, last glimpse at Virgil before turning his face to Olaf. He folds arms on his chest, trying to create some kind of wall between himself and the boy.

"Sorry Olaf, I got lost in thoughts. Could you repeat what were you saying?" Roman sends the widest and the most fake smile, trying to make up for his behavior.

"I was saying that I happen to have two tickets for that music festival in 2 weeks. I was thinking we could go together." Olaf in confirmation takes out the said tickets.

"And what makes you think I will agree? This time? I've been refusing for quite a while now." frowns Roman. He is slowly getting tired of that game with Olaf. Besides, something that he would never admit openly, every time he tells someone off, his heart break a little bit. He never wants to hurt these people it's just... it's not his fault that his heart is meant for someone else. For a long time he didn't know for who but now... he's pretty sure he knows. A faint blush appears on his face. Olaf tilts his head a little bit and smiles as if he knew exactly what Roman is thinking about.

"Oh, i think you will agree this time." he purrs quietly "After all that atmosphere may help me remember some information about _someone's_ acquaintance."

Roman clenches his teeth, trying to maintain the smile at his face. Oh how he wish he could punch that freckled face here and now. He can see in Olaf's eyes that he knows exactly what he's doing. He knows exactly how desperate Roman is and he is ready to use that against him. A quick image of Virgil flashes through his head. Virgil in someone's arms. Crying like he cried next to Roman. His vision goes lime green. Color of jealousy. It tastes bitter on his tongue. Sour even.

"Just give me these, Olaf." hutches Roman, reaching out for the colorful piece of paper.

Olaf instantly moves away, not letting Roman even touch the ticket.

"No, no, no, no Mister." Olaf clicks his tongue, waving quickly with tickets and putting them back into his bag "We're going to do that properly. Meet up earlier, grab something to eat, go on that festival, get insanely drunk and make-out a lot." His face reds up a little bit, which under other circumstances Roman would probably find adorable.

"This is not a date." he groans. Even if Virgil... Even if Olaf has seen a person who actually is Virgil's... partner... Not even that would motivate Roman to go on a date with Olaf. It would only motivate him to lock up in his room and cry his eyes out over his unrequired, skinny love. He still holds that faint hope that maybe somehow Virgil didn't understand the question Olaf asked him in the cafe. He knows that chances are close to zero but... Besides even if Virgil has a boyfriend- what is that guy doing? Virgil is certainly not fine, nor close to being mentally healthy? Where is that bastard? Roman wants to talk with him. Face to face.

"Of course it's not, my cupcake." winks Olaf and turns around on his heel. The conversation is over. Roman looks after Olaf as the man walks away.

"Roooman!" Terrence lightly punches Roman's arm "I've heard that you finally agreed to go out with that sly bitch! Has his beautiful olive skin and adorable freckles lured you after all?"

A spark of fear appears in Roman's heart. How much of the conversation did they hear? Did they hear _it’s about Him_? Roman's head ducks up, trying to read something from his crew faces. He sees nothing beside of pure interest and slight surprise. None of them glances at Virgil either.

"Let's just say that I have a business in going there with him. That's all." sighs Roman "You know me... pretty face isn't enough to catch me." he laughs lightly.

"He wants more..." exclaims dramatically Valerie, giggling like a maniac.

"Yeah. He wants that face down his waist with lips around his-"

"Oh Goddness shut up!" Roman  slaps his hand at Jo's mouth.

The group begins to laugh. Roman looks over at these people. Sure he liked them a lot but telling them the truth about his feelings would feel like a betrayal on Virgil. If anyone beside Logan and Patton is to know about his feelings that it is Virgil. Well, Olaf knows too but it doesn't count.

"Ha-ha-ha, I hope you had a good laugh at my misery." snorts Roman. With the corner of his eyes he sees that Virgil is about to get up and something sparks in his heart. It's been few days since the last time they talked at the cafe, being interrupted with Olaf and his hideous speech. Ever since then Roman just couldn't catch Virgil at home. This is his chance. His heart frantically crushes the chest from the inside. It has made its decision already and Roman doesn't feel like fighting it. "Hey, guys excuse me but I have a thing I have to talk about with my roommate so..." he takes a step away, snatching his bag from the ground.

"I thought you too hate each other." frowns Terrence and that stops Roman.

"What?" he bursts completely confused. Never has he ever suggested even the slightest that he may hate Virgil, he couldn't have even if he wanted. Heck, he hasn't even talked about Virgil with these guys until now.

"Yeah, I heard that too." adds Valerie. "Apparently everybody knows it. That's why he doesn't hang out with you and Patton and Logan."

"That's ridiculous-! Who would have-" a new thought raises up in Roman’s head. Who has interest in keeping Roman away from Virgil? Who knows about his feelings to Virgil? Who has seen them together? Olaf. A furious rage blooms in Roman's heart. That freckled bastard! Roman takes a sequence of deep breaths before looking at his friends again "You know what, forget it. We don't hate each other." he ends the conversation with unpleasant feeling down his chest. _Or at least he doesn't hate Virgil. He doesn't hate Virgil at all._

 

Virgil's POV

_"How's your day Virge?"_ somehow Voice manages to pierce through popping loud music that Virgil blasts on his earphones. He lowers down the volume. It was hurting his ears anyway.

 _"Why does your arm hurt Virge?"_ Virgil closes his eyes and leans head against the wall. It's cold and uneven but it's okay. Maybe the pain will send the Voice away. It usually does after all... Everything is cold recently. The wind, the sun, Virgil's body, everything. It feels like he was slowly loosing contact with reality. First was his emotions, now the way he perceives the world along with lack of interest in almost anything. Almost.

 _"Do you think they know you cut last night?"_ Virgil opens his eyes after mere few seconds absently scanning the surroundings. Are people really looking at him or is it his paranoia again? He knows Roman is there. He has seen him already. Him. Surrounded with his friends, being loved and appreciated just as he deserves to be. Virgil let his lips quirk up a little bit as his thoughts wonder around Roman. His handsome face, shaped body and tender, kind heart. Who would have thought that he would somehow become someone so important to Virgil? Who would have thought that he would trust this dramatic dork after all? Virgil knows that showing weakness is weakness itself. He looks down at his arms. Only few people are aware what that thick, black hoodie hides. And one of them is Roman. The wounds burns above his elbow. He rests it on his leg, drawing small circle with the tip of his boots. It's not time to ponder about that.

 _"It's not? Oh good let me know when it is."_ splutters Voice with venom _"Do you think they care if they knew? People around you? Or maybe Roman has already informed them? It is possible after all and you know it Virge. Do you think that-... Oh, looks who's coming...Your prince in flesh... fucking pity party."_ snorts Voice sarcastically and Virgil's head ducks up.

Oh God.

It's him.

But maybe he's not going to Virgil. Maybe he will treat him like an air, like most of people do. Oh God, he's looking at this direction.

Virgil nervously takes his earphones out. The sounds of the world once again hit him,  seemingly twice as loud as he left it. Everything recently seems terribly loud to Virgil. His head is pounding. He hasn't been eating in two days now. Last thing he had was that damn spoon of yoghurt which he dared to eat in the cafe with Roman. It was such a lovely morning.

" _I bet he also likes to recall it. You know, when he needs a good laugh Virge."_

"Hey Virgil!" greets him Roman. His voice is so light and melodic. It doesn't bugs Virgil's ears as much as the rest of the world.

"H-hi..." mumbles Virgil awkwardly, still sitting against the wall. Roman throws a shadow at him, hiding the sun behind his board shoulders. Looking from Virgil's position it looks like Roman was the sun. And Virgil wouldn't really argue with that.

Roman reaches out his hand. Virgil stares at it for few numb seconds, before hesitantly grabbing it. A flitch of pain strikes his heart. He forgot how warm Roman's hands feel. His thumb brushes lightly against Virgil's knuckles before Roman pulls him up. They feel the eyes of entire college at them.  Virgil quickly takes his hand away. It's trembling so he hugs it a little bit to his chest, absently rubbing the wrist.

" _They're all watching the pity party Roman threw for you. I bet he knows, does he? He can tell from your blush, from you shaking hands and the beat of your heart. Maybe he wants to just humiliate you in front of the whole community? What do you think Virge?"_

"What brings you here?" asks Virgil finally, trying to keep his voice under control. He runs a hand through his hair, trying to at least look like someone self-confident. Trying to call Anx out of the depth of his soul. Where is that damned rockman when Virgil needs him?

Roman blinks as if he was surprised with sudden question.

"I... I... Actually I..." he seems a little bit lost. This is not something that happens commonly. Virgil bites his lips trying to pushes away all of the worst scenarios in his head. "I wanted to ask you a question. Would you mind if we go home together?" asks Roman finally, his cheeks are slightly pinkish. Must be the sun. It's really nasty today, despite the clouds.

"S-sure." shrugs Virgil.

"There are way too many people here, right?" laughs Roman awkwardly as the slowly walk across the yard. Virgil feels the burning gazes of drama sector all over his body. The inner side of his thighs slightly rub against each other and he cringes mentally. Why. He can bet all his money that it's his thighs that drag attention.

"Yeah." scoffs Virgil quietly. "It's not that you mind audience though." he adds after a while, counting down the steps until they finally leave the complex.

Roman laughs and Virgil glances at him. His laugh sounds so pure. If he could he would record it and listen to it forever. That and Roman's heartbeat. If Virgil only was able to make him laugh every day... Maybe then Roman would want to spend more time with him.

"I enjoy audience on the stage Virgil." says Roman finally, faint smile dancing in the corner of his lips "But in the real world... attention of just one person is more than enough to me."

Their hands brush lightly like they were two clouds flying across the sky. One being dark and stormy the other being white and fluffy. Virgil looks up.

"It's going to rain soon." he mumbles to himself, changing the subject. Of course Roman didn't him Virgil's attention. It was just a general remark. As if in confirmation small drops of rain falls down from the sky.

"Ah, for real. It was sunny just a minute ago." sighs Roman stopping in the middle of the pavement. The street around them suddenly turns empty. People rush to their homes, cafe and shops to hide away from the storm. Virgil observes ad Roman pulls an umbrella out of his bag. "You have one?"

Virgil shakes his head, putting on the hood. Basing on the clouds it's probably going to get wet soon but he doesn't mind that much. Roman sighs spreading the umbrella.

"We're gonna use mine then." he moves himself incredibly close to Virgil. The shadow of the umbrella hides both of them. They stand facing each other for few seconds. The rain drops rhythmically hit the surface of umbrella above them. Virgil allows himself to get lost in Roman's golden eyes with these small adorable green dots for a tiny bit of moment.

" _Awww, what a cute fucking moment. You want him to throw away the umbrella and kiss you, don't you?"_ red blush appears under Virgil's eye bags upon hearing Voice defining his dreams in such a mocking manner _"Oh, yes Virge. I see it all. I see how you wish he dives with his hands in your awfully, probably sweaty hair and kiss you hard."_

Virgil tears away his gaze and quickly starts walking down the road, not caring about the rain splashing his arms and face. Burning tears fill his eyes and knowing that Roman can catch his pace anytime, he tries to fight them, praying that the rain would mix with them if they start running down his face. The wind blows his hood off his head but he doesn't bother to adjust it, racing down the road. Few steps later, strong grip on his arm stops him. He hisses with pain. Roman somehow managed to dig his fingers right into his fresh cuts. Virgil turns around hoping that these few tears that burst out of his eyes will be seen as a rain drops.

Roman's gaze is intense. The greenness of his eyes is oddly heightened, like the color of the grass and trees in the rain. Virgil has always thought that it's just a plants thing. But then, Roman himself is the most beautiful flower so probably world blessed his eyes with the same gift.

"I said..." Roman takes deep breath before moving the umbrella so that Virgil is again under it "...we're gonna use mine. Together, okay?"

Mesmerized with softness in Roman's voice and his tender, vivid eyes, Virgil nods. The pain in his arm doesn't bother his anymore, nor does the wet bangs that sticks to his forehead. The drops that managed to slip under his hoodie, run down his spine, sending cold shiver across Virgil's body.

"See? You're getting cold already." Roman shakes his head. They slowly start walking down the road together. Their arms brush occasionally. Every touch causing both pain in Virgil's arm and odd sensation in his heart. "You're lucky though..." Roman picks up the subject again "On days like this Patton always cooks some comfort food for himself and the whole crew. I'm sure he will give you something warm too."

Virgil hums in reply, fixing his gaze at his feet.  Roman and him walk in the same pattern. Left leg-left leg, right leg-right leg. Virgil lightly jumps above small puddle. His heel, splashes a little bit of water at Roman's beige skinny pants.

"Oh shit sorry." a thunder of terror hits Virgil.

"Oh, don't worry. I was stupid wearing this pants on day like today." Roman quickly brushes off the problem, apparently unconscious of the ovule of fear and panic growing in Virgil's heart.

_"Congratulations peasant. What were you trying to achieve anyway? Wanted to look like a fucking child in front of your crush? Or you are just so insanely stupid? Both seem accurate in your case."_

The breath he takes in painfully crushes his ribs. He fucked up again, didn't he? His nail dig into the inner part of his palms as he tries to bring himself back on earth. His eyes once again fall at the stained leg. It's not something that easily washes away.

"I... I will pay for the cleaning..." he states breathily, avoiding Roman's gaze.

Alarmed with the tone and the shaky breath Roman glances at Virgil. His face is paler than usually and his hands shake terribly. Not thinking much he slips his hand into Virgil's one.

Roman's hand is warm. Warm and safe. The grip isn't strong, on the contrary- it's loose so that Virgil could escape from the touch any time. Their fingers delicately tangle together. Virgil's hand feels so insecure and cold compared to Roman's. So dead.

"You don’t have to pay for anything Virgil. Stuff like that happen all the time." says Roman, still keeping up the pace. Virgil looks at him through the wet bang. He has his head raised, unbothered with the accident and the coldness coming from Virgil, looking ahead of himself. The touch means nothing to him. Of course. He just wanted to make Virgil feel better. A tiny sunshine starts glowing in Virgil’s heart. Even if this crush has been doomed from the beginning… at least Virgil knows that his feelings would most probably be appreciated and thanked for. He has never been thanked for holding a romantic interest in anyone before. Virgil thinks about the pathetic attempts he has made to be closer to Roman. To think that his Prince is so kind and humble that he does all these grand gestures of the pure goodness of his heart. Virgil’s lips turn up a little bit despite the anxiety still jumping on his lungs. He won’t put Roman into uncomfortable situation. Even if it means keeping his feeling to himself forever.

_"I don't know what were you thinking anyway, Virge... It's not like he's the one who gets dizzy every time he sees you...You should be on your knees that he even looks at a piece of shit like you.”_

Dark eyes fix back at the ground again. Voice is right. He should be and deeply is thankful to Roman for every minute he spends with Virgil. Even if Roman doesn’t enjoy his company (who would) he still acts like a perfect gentleman. And that’s why Virgil should cut himself out of Roman’s life himself.

Virgil's fingers tense up, his hand twitch. It’s a sad thought. He liked the feeling Roman’s presence gives to him. The calm, the silence in his head, the warmth in his chest and smile on his lips. Roman makes him feel a little bit more alive than he is used to be. Feeling the tension in Virgil’s muscles, Roman's thumb instantly starts rubbing the back of his wrist. His silky smooth skin moves across Virgil’s one being thin like a paper with a maze of blue veins running under it.

"It's really okay Virgil." repeats Roman still staring into the road, another two circles are being drawn on the back of Virgil’s hand. "Everything is alright."

And for a few seconds Virgil, indeed, lets himself believe that everything is alright.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that i say this every time but... I really feel like this chapter is shitty. But I hope the nonetheless you enjoyed it. I'm also happy to announce that we're only 2 (maybe 3) chapters away fro the chapter that I've been meaning to write from the begining so stick with me! It's going to be one hell of a ride!


	16. Bathrooms and Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil tries really hard and Roman does something really stupid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: implied eating disorder, self-loathing thoughts, second-hand embarrassement, panic attacks

Virgil’s POV

 

Ever since Virgil walked through the door, his stomach has been doing flip-flops. The scent is unbearable for him, attacking his nostrils, reminding him how twisted his guts can get when he’s scared.

“ _I wonder how you’re gonna get through that Virge, my sunshine.”_ laughs Voice quietly.

Virgil bites his nail anxiously, hoping that no one will notice his nervousness. The bitter taste of fear down his throat is slowly growing more and more aggressive. The nausea wrecks him. His hearing is sharp, every bubble that pops in the kitchen cuts his ears deeply like a knife. He knows that his legs are bouncing and that it may blow up everything he has been working over but he can’t stop it.

When was the last time he was forced to eat? Few weeks ago wasn’t it? He remembers it clearly, he did pretty well before being saved by Joan. But, he was also so much better back then. In his best form. Anxiety. And today? Today it’s only Virgil. Weak, bruised and way too delicate. With stomach too small to fit in everything. Desperately, he tries to come up with some excuse, any excuse.

 _“You were stupid to agree on the first place, so why are you running to me only now, Virgil?”_ Voice beams in his head, through the fear and vapors of whatever Patton is cooking. _“The truth is that you deserve to suffer. A honey-like smile from a certain theatre geek and you’re down on your knees, aren’t you? You should have told that you’re gonna eat with Joan. Or whatever. But no… You so eagerly agreed on eating here with all these… people. But it’s not even the main problem here. The main problem is you, Virge. If you were a normal person who can hold food in his stomach that wouldn’t be an issue-”_

“Virgil?” a calm voice pulls Virgil out of the torment of his thoughts. He brings himself to look up. Logan is standing right in front of him. His deeply blue eyes seize Virgil attentively. Over past few weeks they have had their moments but every time Logan gives that look to Virgil, he can’t help but shiver. There are things he wants to keep inside, only for himself, and Logan’s calculative eyes seems to rip off Virgil of any privacy. It takes him a while to realize that his friend is expecting some sort of answer.

Logan sighs and sits down next to Virgil, always careful not to touch him even in the slightest.

_“Because he finds you hideous, Virge.”_

“Virgil, are you frankly alright? You appear to be quite anxious.” points Logan, eyes never leaving Virgil who immediately stops bouncing his feet.

The emo lets out a low, bitter chuckle, that sounds more like a bark than an actual laugh.

“Me? Oh yes, I’m doing fantastic.” he snorts, surprised with his own courage. His heart is racing in his chest. This is a bad sign, his fight or flight instinct is kicking in and combined with the nausea in his stomach… It may not end up well.

“I assume that you’re being sarcastic.” Logan’s lips twitch up lightly but he almost immediately pulls the corners of his mouth down. “Virgil, I’m serious. Are you alright?”

 

It takes Virgil two long seconds to form an answer, to form a lie that would at least partly protect him from innocent questions coming from Logan. Two slow, loud heartbeats when he really wants to scream him right into face that he’s not alright. That he can hardly recall the last time he was alright. That everything hurts him. That he wants to run away. That he’s feeling sick and has no idea how he will be able to eat dinner tonight. And then- three quick heartbeats, lasting only a split of a second. Three quick heartbeats of a terrified animal. Three quick heartbeats that crush him from inside. That suffocate him painfully. That make him lie because it’s so much easier.

“I didn’t mean it that way. I’m okay.” another beat of silence, another long whine of his soul “So don’t worry.”

The expression on Logan’s face doesn’t change at all. It reminds of a look of a scientist that is not pleased with the result of his experiment. As if Virgil’s response destroyed everything Logan was working over for past months. His lips parts slowly ready to say something, ready to swipe the right fullness of Virgil’s answer out of the Earth, when a cheerful voice breaks the tension between them:

“Dinner’s ready!” declares Patton from the kitchen and Virgil’s eyes full with fear immediately travel in that direction. He gets up abruptly, forming hands into fists and mumbling about going to the bathroom for a minute.

His stomach twists like a snake, every inch of his skin cries for help. He can swear that all his muscles and fat vibrate beneath his skin. The bitterness in his throat travels up, tickling his tongue. He tries his best to remain composed until the door of the bathroom are slammed behind him. Only then Virgil raises his hand to his mouth, muffling the ripped sob.

It hits him: he has no idea how to do that.

Virgil wants nothing more to go to the kitchen and eat with his friends, with Roman, like a normal person. To gush over Patton’s cooking skills, to ask if there’s anything more to eat, to chit-chat and enjoy his day. But once again, his subconscious kicks him hard. Right in the stomach. Virgil curls down. The seconds tick down in his head. He knows he doesn’t have much time. He know that he could run away. But that would raise even more questions and his anxiety wouldn't let him face these dorks ever again without questioning how much they suspect, how much of a freak do they think he is.

If Virgil could, he would cry down here and now. Being powerless against his own body, his own mind, is the greatest curse. No matter how much he fights, he feels as if he never wins. For how much longer is he willing to kick, punch and scratch every piece of himself that he loathes? How much does it take until the others start doing that? When will Roman understand that even looking at Virgil makes him dirty?

Taking few deep breaths, Virgil somehow manages to calm himself down himself. He can do it. He can go there and at least try to eat. As long as he won’t binge-eat everything he’s going to be fine. That one time he’s thankful for his anxiety which should stop him from doing any necessary moves in the presence of the others. Virgil gulps, swallowing the bitter saliva and gets up from the cold tiles. Sparing a glance at the mirror, he notices how dark his eye bags are, how shallow his eyes look, how pale his skin is.

 _“You look terrible, Virge. Look what have you done to yourself.”_ teases Voice.

“Oh, shut up won’t you?” scoffs Virgil under his breath as he walks out of the bathroom. The scent that should normally be associated with something nice, tasty and homey, once again twists his stomach and rubs his senses.

 

“Ah, here you are! I was worried that you want to run away!” chirps Patton to Virgil’s ear and, before the others can react, wraps his arms around Virgil, bringing him closer. Patton’s voice is cheerful, so is his smile but hidden behind glasses, pale eyes show the seriousness that Virgil doesn’t like. A pinch of doubt nags his heart asking if he could trust Roman with his secret after all. Virgil wouldn’t be surprised if Princey decided to ignore his ask and told the others about weird mentality. He chose the believe that Roman wouldn’t do that but he can never be sure.

The feeling that embraces Virgil is nice, almost safe and it pushes his doubts and dark thoughts away. Patton’s hug feels different than Roman’s. It’s fluffy like a cloud but not intrusive and Virgil knows that he can escape the touch any moment if he wants. His heart calms down a little bit and his mind is for a moment in the state of peace. It lasts only a blink of a second but it’s enough to ignite another feeling. Fear. He feels too comfortable. They are too close. Suddenly Virgil is painfully aware of Roman and Logan looking at them behind the table. He doesn’t need that.

“What the hell, man?” Virgil screeches quietly, firmly pushing Patton away, pretending that he didn’t notice the wince of sadness on honestly, cheerful face,.

“You looked like you were in need of a hug.” says Patton bluntly.

“Well, that’s a part of my charm.” mutters Virgil slipping onto his seat, still not looking at the food in front of him, trying to distract himself in all ways possible.

He’s surprised to hear a loud, honest laugh coming from across his table. He would recognize this sound everywhere. It’s Roman. Roman’s laughing. He has made Roman laugh. Virgil flushes red under his purple bangs. At this moment it doesn’t matter if he laughs at him or because of what he has said. All that matters is that he managed to make Roman laugh. And this may be one of the best things that happened to Virgil that day.

“I assume that your black attire only helps to achieve that goal?” points Logan smiling heart-warmly.

Virgil blinks a couple of times before gathering all it takes to keep the conversation flow.

“Oh, no. That’s essentially to angst myself up.” he snorts which leads to another burst of laughter this time from both Roman and Patton. Even Logan furtively tries to wipe the tears in the corners of his eyes.

Pale, marked with numerous invisible bites, lips quirk up in the way Virgil doesn’t intend it to. Muscles of his face stretch gently, he can feel small dimples creating in the bottom of his cheeks. Virgil blushes, trying to stop himself from smiling. He, once again, lets his eyes rest at Roman, precisely when the latter looks at him. Deep hazelnut eyes that Virgil fell in love with, light up like a light bulbs and his smile, if it’s possible, grows even wider. The time stops  for them. They allow themselves to study each others’ faces, admire the way happiness and joy change their features by lightening up the eyes and smoothing their cheeks with pink blushes.

Finally Virgil breaks the string that was holding that moment together and looks down anxiously, covering his fingers with long sleeves of the hoodie. The shame flows through his body like a wild stream but the faint smile still wanders across his face, the fireflies still play in his eyes. The rhythm of his heart is faster but for once, it doesn’t cry out of pain with every beat.

“I’ve always knew that this kiddo is funny if he only wants too!” smiles Patton, lightly ruffling Virgil’s hair and deepening his blush.

“Basing on his intelligence, it was very possible that he has a unique sense of humor.” agrees Logan and starts to eat. Virgil quickly looks at him trying to estimate if it was meant as an insult or compliment but fails to do so. He mentally sighs in relief when he doesn’t spot any hint of irony on Logan’s face.

Everybody but Virgil, who still doesn’t even know what is on his plate, starts eating which gives him a moment to breathe a little bit more freely. The muscles on his back tense when he finally looks down.

The plate is filled with calories. The numbers in his head, almost in front of his eyes, appear out of nowhere. The flood is unable to be stopped and Virgil gulps. He mentally chants to himself that he can do it but the fork doesn’t feel right in his hand, his fingers are numb and cold. He sticks up the thing that he knows does less harm than any other that is on his plate. Carrot. He has always hated carrots but it doesn’t matter now. He has to play it right.

 

First few minutes are easy. Every bite takes a little bit of courage but Virgil feels almost proud of himself. He can barely feel the taste of the food despite throwing kind comments from time to time. Logan, Patton and Roman fall into cheerful chatter but this time Virgil doesn’t join them, too focused on eating.

Guilt hits him out of sudden. Crawling out from his heart and expanding across his chest until it tickles his stomach. His hand starts shaking so he puts the fork down. The nausea raises up again. He can clearly remember every bite he took.

 _“Virge, what were you thinking? Where do you think all that fat will go?”_ Voice starts shooting questions at him and Virgil instantly feels smaller _“What are you proud of, huh? Name it because I can’t see a fucking thing that went right today!”_

Bitterness on his tongue makes him wanna throw up. Virgil clenches the fist into his own hoodie and closes eyes, trying to pretend that it’s only him in the room. That the others won’t notice his strange behavior. He doesn’t even catch up when his breath hitches. Something nags his leg and it feels like a needle. Someone noticed. Virgil opens his eyes, blind with terror.

Patton and Logan are still chatting cheerfully as if nothing happened. As if it wasn’t one of the hardest moment for Virgil. He wishes the third pair of eyes wasn’t glaring at him so intensively.

“ _You ok?”_ mouths Roman, gentle eyes filled with worry, brows furrowed.

Virgil is tempted. He did it with Logan so why this time it feels so different? He doesn’t want to lie. Not again, not anymore. He was trying to fight back alone and he failed so why not...

The gesture is barely visible. The shake of his head is faint, almost as if it wasn’t there. It can easily but read as a hesitation or even taking a breath. But Virgil looks at Roman and he knows that he sees it as it is. Small plea. And an ask for help.

His stomach feels unnaturally heavy. Fear once again makes him move before he gets a chance to think. Sliding off his chair and apologizing to Patton and Logan, Virgil rushes to the bathroom, this time not bothering to lock the doors behind himself. He heaves off a breath, broken with a loud sniff, as he knees next to the toilet.

All these silly promises about eating seems irrelevant now. The sickness envelopes his body like a cocoon. Thick and making it unable to breathe normally. The tears stream down his face and curses bounce across his head. He shakes his head frantically trying to prevent himself from throwing up, barely registering the sound of closing door.

 

Roman’s POV

 

That’s his first instinct, he doesn’t even give it a second thought before storming out of the kitchen after Virgil. How could he not do it when his love, his little angel, almost screamed right in Roman’s face that he needs help? He will come up with some excuse to Logan and Patton later, though deep down inside he knows that they may already suspect something. But he won’t give away Virgil’s precious secrets, the trust Roman was given, so easily. It’s all Virgil’s decision, no matter how much it pains Roman’s heart.

He presses down the handle unsure what to expect. The door let him inside without any trouble. The sight he meets as he enters the bathroom shatters his heart. Virgil is kneeling over the toilet, while big, silent tears run down his face and his hand covers his mouth. Apparently he hasn’t even noticed Roman walking inside.

As quiet as it’s possible Roman locks the door, before slowly walking closer, giving Virgil time to notice him. He sits right next to the shaking boy, biting his lips, taking a mental note that he has yet another thing to add to the long list of reasons Virgil needs help. He curses himself for taking so long to notice. He had so many hints, he could have noticed earlier, he even had his doubts and fears and yet didn’t do anything about it. He’s the one to be blame for this situation. On the exposed part of Virgil’s neck break down small goosebumps. His narrow frame shakes with soundless sobs.

Loose sleeves of black shirt reveal slender, white wrists, marked with pain and suffering that Roman can’t take away from him. Instead he gently lies his hand on Virgil’s back and starts rubbing small circles, tearing his gaze away and fixing it at the shower. It is not his intention to make the boy even more scared.

It takes few long minutes until Roman feels that under his touch Virgil stopped shaking. Until he can hear that Virgil’s breath, still shallow, is no longer trembling. Roman sighs with relief before finally daring to look at Virgil. His eyes are puffy and his lips are bitten to the point that they are cracked in the middle. Big drop of blood slowly runs down his chin and Roman shifts to grab the tissue. The next thing he feels are skinny arms wrapping around his waist and shaky breath on his neck.

Virgil hugs him.

Roman’s heart is racing. He knows that this is not the right moment, this action doesn’t mean what he would love it to mean, but his stupid emotions don’t listen to him at all. He shifts smoothly, letting Virgil, who’s gripping the back of Roman’s thin shirt, to crawl and sit between his legs, curled into little ball. Without hesitation Roman wraps his arms around Virgil, bringing him closer.

Romanticism has always been running in Roman’s veins. He has always dreamed of deemed ballrooms with only one dancing pair, of fancy restaurants and holding hands over a bottle of champagne, of passionate kisses in the rain, of shy confessions late at night but now… sitting on the floor of the bathroom, holding his stormy ray of sunshine sobbing soundlessly in his arms… he has never imagined more romantic place or situation. He can’t recall a situation in which his heart was beating so fast.

Virgil keeps his head tugged under Roman’s chin, every breath calmer than the previous one and Roman is scared that as soon as he calms down completely he would move away, escape, once again leaving him alone. But it’s been minutes, long, tender, filled with trust minutes and Virgil doesn’t move even the slightest. Roman gently strokes Virgil’s purple hair, humming softly. He has done it before and it worked positively.

“Sorry for making such a fuss again.” mumbles Virgil finally. His voice is a little bit raspy and much weaker than it normally is.

Roman only shakes his head, smiling even though he knows that the latter can’t see that.

“You didn’t have to come here… I would have dealt with it myself…” adds Virgil after a while.

“I didn’t have to but I did.” says Roman, not really sure what should he say. That it was a blind instinct? That he couldn’t leave Virgil like that? That he wants to take care of him? All of these are true but wouldn’t that be frightening for Virgil to hear that? “I have no doubts that you would fight it yourself. But sometimes it’s easier to be brave if you’re not alone.”

“Where do you get these cheesy Disney-like quotes from, huh?” scoffs Virgil but Roman can feel his smile against his neck, sending pleasant sensation down his spine. “I bet you have pink-ass covered with glitter notebook where you write them down.”

“Well excuse me. It’s not pink, it’s red.” Roman gasps dramatically, making Virgil giggle right into the crook of his neck. His hands involuntary tighten up around the snickering boy. It feels nice being so close. Not only physically but also spiritually. Few weeks ago Roman wouldn’t believe that if someone told him that he would be calming Virgil down on the floor next to the lavatory. He wouldn’t even believe if someone told him that Virgil still trying to recover from a panic attack would try to lighten up the mood with terrible and mean jokes that make Roman’s heart beat faster.

Carefully as if he was waiting for Roman to stop him Virgil moves away sitting in front of him. His legs are curled up to his chest, pointy knees stick through the ripped material on his jeans. Roman leans a little bit forward before speaking quietly.

“You did marvelous job all by yourself.” and he means that. He means that deeply. Being a born actor Roman tried putting himself in Virgil’s position. Probably lonely, hurt, constantly fighting against the odds. And Roman doubts that he would be able to be as strong as Virgil is. Virgil may not realize that but in many aspects he’s a great actor. The thing is that… Roman wishes Virgil didn’t have to be an actor of his own story.

“I didn’t do anything.” mumbles Virgil, looking at his nails, covered with dark purple nail polish.

Roman’s hand almost immediately captures Virgil’s chin, smooth skin so fragile and cold under his fingers. The rest of the dry, dark blood, still covering the pale skin. He forces the male to look at him. Roman wouldn’t give that without a fight.

“You battled against that mess once again and you won. That’s a lot.”

“Not a lot.” Virgil pushes away the hand gripping his chin.

Roman groans and once again grabs the chin, while his other hand wraps around Virgil’s wrist, leaning forward even more. His eyes are on the same level as Virgil’s dark ones. They are only few inches apart. Roman’s orbs burn desperately as he drawls the words through clenched teeth. His voice is not angry, nor aggressive. It’s still calm and quiet but much more passionate than before.

“I have no idea what sits in that beautiful head of yours but whatever it is, you have my word, I will help you fight it off. I want you, no… I need you to see how much of beautiful and wonderful person you are, Virgil.” the words, sweet and heated slip out of his mouth before he even thinks of catching them out.

Virgil shivers lightly. He knows that he’s burning red after hearing that passionate tirade.

Roman can feel on his skin how Virgil’s breath quickens up. He can feel his pulse under his fingers, racing like a hummingbird. It calls for Roman’s heart, it calls for Roman’s soul. And when Virgil closes his eyes, his self-control snaps like a branch.

The kiss is barely there. Their lips meet each other only for a second, the pressure is non-existential as if it was only a delicate stroke not an actual kiss. The sweetness explodes in Roman’s mouth, smoothing his tongue and burning his senses. It lasts only a second, it’s barely even there but it shakes Roman’s soul and heart to the ground. He moves away quickly, realizing the weight of his action, meeting Virgil’s terrified gaze. It takes his breath away.

 _“I fucked up bad.”_ flashes through his, drunk with happiness and confusion, head and Roman in a rush gets up of the floor. Virgil sitting completely still as if he was a marble sculpture, his eyes doesn’t even looks up when Roman gets up. A cold terror floods Roman. They have been working for so long to achieve what they have now and he destroyed it for one second of bitter-sweet pleasure. He stole that moment away from Virgil and would probably never be able to give that time back.

Roman doesn’t look back as he runs out of the bathroom so he misses the blissful look on Virgil’s face which appears few seconds later. He doesn’t stop to scold Patton and Logan who were clearly standing way too close to the bathroom door. Instead he locks himself in the room, letting the terror eat him alive.

_“I fucked up bad this time.”_

Behind his door standing between the bathroom and Roman’s room, Patton whispers to Logan conspirationally:

“Do you think they were making love?”

Virgil passes them by without a word.

“No, one uses this expression anymore and even I know that, Patton.” says Logan quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this is how prinxiety shared their first kiss over a lavatory!
> 
> Seriously though, it's time for ramble-time! I haven't updated this story in over a month because I was suffering from a writer's block and yesterday out of curiousity I checked the comments and woah! Literally yesterday which marked over a month since the last update someone put a comment implying that this person thinks about this au? Enough to say that it motivated me enough to finish the next chapter in less than 24 hours!! Amazing, right?This is how much comments means to the author, they legitelly push us to write!


	17. Discussing an issue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When a problem occurs, friends channel their inner common sense to solve it. Kind of.
> 
> TW: alcohol mention, drug mention, implied drug addiction, break up

Virgil’s POV

 

 _„And then the prince kissed poor emo in love and they’ve never spoken about it again.”_ Murmurs Voice in Virgil’s head. “ _The story tale worth of a piece of shit like you.”_

“Shut up, won’t you? I’m done with your bullshit, his bullshit, everyone’s bullshit. I’m just fucking done.” groans Virgil lightening up the cigarette. Sitting on the rooftop of Elliot’s small house, he cautiously scans the ocean of red tiles and trees. The city is far away, still within the reach but too far to care.

“Hey, gurl. Move your royal ass to the left, make some place for your old man.” Remy lightly punches Virgil in his arm, appearing in the window leading on the rooftop. Virgil has suspected that in this case scenario Elliot will call the special advisor meaning Remy, the drummer of their band and long-life friend.

“My old man is long gone and you know it.” mumbles Virgil under his breath taking a long drag of his cigarette and watches as the ash rolls down the roof, like a small burning pieces of coal.

“No, Virge. I am your father.” declares Remy seriously before breaking into a loud, squeaky giggle.

“Asshole.” snorts Virgil, leaning back on the cold tiles.

They sit in complete silence, watching the sun disappearing behind the urban line of horizon. If someone asked them how many times have they sat like that in the past, they wouldn’t be able to tell with full honesty.

Remy lets his long bangs fall on his eyes before tugging it behind his ear. He always does so when he’s trying to start an awkward conversation.

“So a lot of shit happened ever since I visited you at school few weeks ago, huh?” Remy asks after few minutes of comfortable but growing silence.

“I don’t know, no one cares enough to explain me. Oh and guess what? Half of the campus have seen you snuggling to me like a fucking bur.” Virgil smashes the lightened up cig against one of the grey tiles and throws it far away into the garden spreading beneath them.

“You’re welcome.” Remy winks and sticks out his tongue. Being few years older than Virgil and Elliot, he has always been over-protective and a little bit embarrassing step-brother to both of them. He instantly fired up when he heard about their idea of having a band and wanted to be included so badly that self-taught himself to play drums. Virgil never admitted that but he has always admired that determination. Out of all of them Remy has always been the most lively one. The heart and soul and motoric power of all of them.

Virgil watches as Remy’s smile drops and as he, without a word, takes out the Starbucks travel mug and hands it to the emo.

“Seriously man? After all these years you still carry vodka in fucking plastic mug with green humanoid fish?” Virgil laughs bitterly, taking the mug.

Remy grins mischievously.

“Everybody believes you if you pretend to be a slave of capitalism.”

“Maybe it’s pity your small brain.” snickers Virgil, for the first time in days feeling something more than numbness in his heart.

The front door shut loudly downstairs and the men exchange understanding looks. The porch and door are out their sight but all the words, thanks to the acoustics on trees and small houses, are all well-heard.

“You just don’t fucking care about me! Get out of here!” Elliot yells at the porch as they have yelled thousands of times.

“Don’t you dare to make orders here, Elliot! I made your life better! Should I remind you how many time I’ve saved your ass with crystals and dust? You’re gonna regret kicking me out! You always do, fucking druggie!” the anger tugs Mitchell’s threats and Virgil clenches his teeth. There are many things he will never forgive to Mitchell but pushing  Elli, his Elli, on the edge of being a drug addict is absolute number one on the top of that list. Virgil has never handed Mitchell to the police for one reason only- not once, not even twice he also, was supplied by Mitchell. Handing that messed up human trash to the police would risk exposing not only Virgil but also, what’s worse, Remy and Elli.

“Not this fucking time! I can live without your crap” loud thug accompanies Elliot’s threatening words, meaning that they probably threw Mitchell’s bag on the street.

“Good! Just treat me like a piece of shit after all these nice things I’ve done for you!” Mitchell’s voice gets squeaky from screaming and Virgil smiles at Remy.

“He sounds pathetic.” whispers Remy.

“Showing off his true nature.” points Virgil and quietly high-fives Remy’s hand.

“Oh yes, I’m gonna treat you like a shit!” yells Elliot and now whole neighborhood knows exactly what Elliot thinks of their ex-partner. The slap echoes from the walls of the buildings and Virgil giggles, wishing he could see that “I’m gonna treat you like a shit because you are one.” finishes Elliot and mute for Mitchell empty, a little bit whiny insults shuts the door behind themselves.

Virgil lets the vodka from Remy’s mug burn his throat before he lights up another cigarette. This time with smile on his lips.

\---

“You showed him, ma’am!” Remy cheers quietly as the window in the roof opens and Elliot, shaking their black hair sits next to him.

“This is for real over this time.” they say quietly and the tone of their voice makes Virgil lean forward, resting his arms on the knees and looks at his friends seriously.

Elliot’s hair is messy, their eyes a little bit too wet but filled with determination. Their fists are rolled into fists and their knuckles shine with pure whiteness. Freckled cheeks are slightly pink with anger but the light smile dancing in the corners of their lips makes it up for everything.

“Finally.” groans Virgil but his eyes are softer than cotton “I’m proud of you, Elli.”

Remy wraps his arm around Elliot’s slender figure and ruffles their hair.

“We all are.” Remy agrees with a nod.

“This fucker had it coming.” adds Virgil.

“Although, I have to point that if you listened to your mama hen earlier, you would have avoiding lots of tears because of that bastard.” Remy clicks his tongue and Elliot laughs before pushing him away.

“You’re my father and Elli’s mother… Hoho, Rem, multitasking much.” mocks Virgil lightening up another cigarette.

“I’m a damned love machine, that’s right!”

“That does not sound good, you fucking hoe.”

“Oh shut up.” sighs Remy dramatically and something stings Virgil’s heart as his old friend reminds him of someone.

His throat starts burning once again and he can feel bitter tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. He tries to blink them away so that neither Elliot nor Remy noticed them. One of the salty drops hangs on his eyelashes, feeling heavier than the lump in his throat. The sun has almost disappeared behind the horizon and first stars wink at him from the darkening firmament of the night. Virgil leans back, resting his arms on the old blanket he has spread under himself few hours ago when he arrived here. Ever since then he hasn’t moved from his spot. Somehow being above the earth, makes him feel safer. Here, watching the world from the above, the problems can’t reach him.

 _“I wonder if that’s how it feels to be dead, Virge.”_ Whispers Voice in his head.

Virgil takes a drag of his cigarette, aware of the fact that Elliot has already been watching him for a few minutes now. They know the story, Virgil himself told them. And they classified it as the type of story that needs Remy to be solved. Hence to which now all them sit here, staring blankly at the world.

“So Virge, spit it out. I can see that you’re ready.” Remy pats Virgil’s thin thigh carefully. He’s one of few people who know that you can never be too careful with Virgil. “We finally solve the Mi-bastard case, now it’s time for your Romeo.”

“You’ve already heard the story.” Virgil replies quietly, completely ignoring quite pathetic attempt of pun. After spending months with Patton all puns seem weak and dull. Virgil mentally starts counting the star on the sky above him. He feels so small and irrelevant compared to them but it isn’t unfamiliar feeling. This is exactly the same as when he’s in the classroom full of strangers. This is the same when he’s alone at night and there’s only him, Voice and the sweet, cold razor within his reach.

“You will feel better if you say it again, now that you’re calm.” Says Elliot. Their gentle voice vibrates in the air.

Virgil runs a hand through his hair and sighs. He doubts if he ever feels better.

“Roman kissed me.” He says finally “I was sobbing next to the porcelain goodness, trying not to puke and he helped me calm down and then kissed me. And never said a word about it again.”

“And it’s been…?” asks Remy suggestively.

“Don’t know… What day is today? I kinda lost the sense of timing.” Hums Virgil, closing his eyes.

“Friday. The gem of the whole week.” Helps Elliot.

“Few days then.” Virgil says bitterly “At first it felt amazing, you know? The kiss was so delicate, no one has kissed me like that ever before.  Not even you, Elli.” Virgil chuckles on the memory of their platonic kisses but his laugh is heavy, almost sad, in the way it makes one’s heart shatter “And for a minute I thought that everything’s going to change because I was fool in love...”

“And nothing changed.” nods Remy, knowing the basic story already.

“Nothing. Not the way he looks at me, nor the way he talks to me. Actually you know what? He rarely talks and looks at me. And the funniest shit?” Virgil laughs, choking on his sobs, the tears run down his face as he puts the cigarette down with his shaking slender fingers “That it’s always been this way. We had our moments but I guess that they were important only for me.”

“I will kill the bitch.” Mumbles Remy and cracks his knuckles making Virgil wince.

“Easy there, easy.”  Elliot click their tongue and the rest looks back at them as the rub their chin. “You see, I’ve met Roman and I’ve _seen_ the way he looks at you Virgil and it felt… it seemed like he was truly interested in you.”

“Bullshit. No one has ever been interested in me. Cut the crap.” Virgil says taking a tissue from Remy to wipe his tears.

“Anx is hot but…” Points Remy.

“I’m not Anx.” Virgil bites his lips, knowing fully well that he will most likely crack them open “I wish I were but I’m not.”

“Will you ever let me finish my sentence, ma’am?” groans Remy, tapping the tiles under his fingers “I was going to say that Anx is hot but Virgil is hotter, cuter and better in every way possible. He is everything that Romano guy could dream of and-“

“Roman.”

“Whatever. Virgil you are a piece of art and I’m still waiting for someone to show you that because apparently both Elli and I royally fuck up at that. And, Elli.” Remy turns his head to the friend sitting on his right side “I don’t care how he looks at Virgil. I want him to show that. Understood?”

Elliot cracks a faint smile.

“Yes, sir!”

“Good.” Nods Remy and gulps of the rest of the vodka from his Starbucks mug “Let’s talk about how to realize that oblivious bitch that he hurt Virgil. I suggest hammer.”

“I swear, I’m gonna kick you off the roof! Give that kid a chance!” Elliot groans.

 

_“You’re lucky you have them fucker, you know that?”_

“Yeah… Yeah, I know.” Virgil whispers to himself as Remy and Elliot continue on arguing. No one has heard him but he didn’t mind it at all, letting the warmth spread across his body, tackling his lips to quirk up.

 

Roman’s POV

 

“So he hasn’t hinted that almost all week long?” Logan adjusts his glasses, sitting slowly in his navy,  blue armchair.

After days filled with silence and Patton’s awkward questions, Roman has finally decided to talk with his two friends about what happened between Virgil and him.

“No… I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting but it’s killing me!” exclaims Roman pulling his own hair, nervously.

“Logically speaking, it could mean that he either hasn’t acknowledged the action, misread it or felt an utter disgust and that feeling was so strong that he decided to push the memory out of his brain.” Says Logan slowly. Roman whimpers quietly and hides his head in his hands.

Logan has to be right, Roman has destroyed everything that they have with Virgil and he’s the only one to blame. Because he couldn’t control his stupid, romantic impulses.

“Don’t be silly Logan!” Patton huffs out at his friend, sending him a death-glare. “Look, kiddo. From what I’ve noticed Virgil has a kind heart but is a little bit shy when it comes to contacts with others. Especially physical contact. Maybe let’s focus on that aspect, shall we?”

Roman raises up his head and nods in agreement. For past few days he his head has been running circles and just a few minutes of talking with his friends started lightning up the bulbs in his head.

“Patton is right.” Confirms Logan almost immediately trying to make up for his pervious, unfortunate assumptions “I’m sure he must be very confused now… Roman, tell me one thing. Did you make anything to talk about that situation with him?”

“No.” Roman says quietly. “I didn’t want to put him in uncomfortable situation. I wanted to give him a chance to think about the situation and… decide what to do about it.” In Roman’s head it made sense but now as he told that, it seems almost irrelevant to the situation “I messed up even more, didn’t I?” his eyes fill up with tears but he quickly wipes them.

Once again he closes his eyes, sighing heavily. Patton protectively wraps his arms around Roman’s shoulder, hugging him tightly. The feeling that normally would make Roman more at ease, this time doesn’t being the usual effect and he knows why. After all, Patton is not the person that should comfort him and that he should comfort in this situation. The train of thoughts in Roman’s head stops and he, for once, knows what to do.

“I should apologize to him, shouldn’t I?” Roman asks, gently pushing Patton aside. He fixes his eyes are Logan who nods slightly.

“You can hardly be blamed for this situation but it’s hard to tell what exactly Virgil thinks or how he feels about this situation.” Sighs Logan “In his case, apology may be the first step, in worst case scenario he will tell that there’s nothing to apologize for.”

“And!” chirps Patton cheerfully “In the best case scenario it will end up with another kiss!” he claps his hands clearly delighted with this vision.

Roman blushes fiercely, causing Patton to giggle shamelessly. Even Logan laughs in his own very unique and quiet manner.

“You guys are just bullies…” mumbles Roman more to himself than to his friends.

“Why, of course! You’re a theatre guy after all!” smiles Patton, shining with two perfectly, white rows of his teeth right at Roman’s face.

“We would never miss an opportunity to tease our favorite romantic fool. Not when he finally walks down off his dreamy cloud, completely unprotected.” Smirks Logan, trying to catch the pillow that was thrown in his direction, for his luck Roman has never been a good at throwing things. The pillow airily dropped at the floor, making Patton squeak.

“Careful with those, I’ve just washed the pillowcases!”

Logan’s lips quirks up but without saying a word he leans and puts the cushion back at its original place. Roman travels his gaze around the room. It seems to light-hearted, so domestic and fluffy. Few months ago he would say that this is a perfect evening but now he feels an emptiness  and hollow space forming in his heart as he knows that in the room, he can see peaking behind the corner, is empty. Virgil left this morning and hasn’t come back yet. And when he will…

“I will… I will… I have to plan this… Yes…” Roman runs a hand through his hair, completely lost in his own thoughts again, apparently not paying attention to Patton and Logan anymore. “This is Virgil we’re talking the best. He deserves only the best. The most gentle, grand apology, am I right?”

Not waiting for the answer, Roman gets up and marches straight to him room, mumbling something about writing down all the ideas. Dreamy smile wanders in the corners of his lips. The Prince of Romantic Fools, as Logan calls him, comes back to his kingdom made out of love and cotton candy.

“Is he going to be alright?” asks Logan, slightly worried and concerned, watching Roman hops happily into his room before shutting the door behind himself.

Patton sighs and shakes his head, smiling shyly.

“You don’t know much about love, do you Logan?”

Logan looks at Patton confused. It’s been no secret, ever since they met that Patton is actually aromantic. He has put it on the table on the first day after Logan and Roman moved it. Ever since then whenever the occasion called, Roman has been buying Patton small, aro-related pins which he proudly puts onto his bags. And now said Patton, asks Logan if he knows the feeling of love. Tilting his head he has always reminded Logan of little, curious, lost puppy but now his eyes seem to belong to a wise owl that, despite knowing all the secrets of the world, stays quiet.

“I know that it’s making people act icky.” Logan says carefully, searching for a clue in Patton’s dark blue eyes.

Hearing the answer Patton laughs quietly.

“You don’t base that on your own experience, do you?” Logan moves uncomfortably on his seat as Patton moves a little bit closer.

“I… Ummm…”

“Don’t worry, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, Lo.” Patton rests his hand on Logan’s arm. His palm is considerably warmer than Logan’s pale skin. “Love, Logan, no matter romantic or platonic is not something that is a seamy burden, that you want to get rid of. It’s a beautiful gift from your heart to you. It’s just world that makes it hard to actually use it in real life.” he lets his hand slip off Logan’s arm. “Love is a feeling you draw from and which gives you power to keep going every day. Not something to be pushed away or avoid. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” saying that Patton sends Logan a warm, encouraging smile “And when it comes to Roman… you know him… once he falls into someone there’s nothing else he can think about. And I actually think that Virgil can be quite a match for him!”

“But you must have noticed that…”

“Virgil’s a little bit lost and in need of guidance?” finishes Patton “I’m not blind nor stupid, Logan. But who will be a better guide for him than our Roman? Roman who will put Virgil’s safety as a priority and in return help will help Roman balance himself?” he gets up brushing off invisible dirt of his khaki skinny pants “The path to the happily ever after may be a little bit rocky for both of them but I have no doubt that the Disney-like ending will actually take place… Now, Logan what would you say if I offer you going out grab an ice-cream with me?”

“It’s beginning of winter?” Logan arches his eyebrow but his gaze is soft as though he was a stuffed toy, not a serious 3rd year student.

“So? Never say never to strawberry and coconut, am I right?” grins Patton, already putting his cardigan on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally we have some more Elli and Patton and Logan. And we meet Remy too! And oh, wow Patton's aro, that's a surprise huh? I actually really like the idea of aro Pat, it explains a lot of him father-like habits. And it's just really fits into his character!  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It's a little bit more fluffy, I think. No prinxiety this time but they both are cowards and just need a form push to explain some stuff... Ugh, hopefully coming soon though! I hope that I didn't bore you to death! Share your thoughts down below, did you enjoy it or not, what do you think about aro Patton and mama hen Remy? Thank you for every comment, kudos and subscription!  
> much love  
> -Vic
> 
> PS As always- sorry for typos, especially in the Roman's POV; O really wanted to finish this today and I didn't give this part as many re-reads as I should...


	18. Going back and forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman apologizes and they boys talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is something a little bit less than usual. Also there's a lot of dialogues.  
> tw: small panic attack

Roman’s POV

 

A train of thoughts runs through Roman’s head yet again. If he didn’t mess up on the first place, he wouldn’t be in this situation now.

_“Who knows maybe I’ve lost his trust forever?”_

Roman has always considered himself a delicate and sensitive person but that kiss, that damned kiss, has proved him that he was wrong. And now, there’s only one thing to do- apologize. He looks out of the window. It is perfect day to fall on his knees and beg for mercy and forgiveness. The air smells the sweet scent of remorse.

“Okay, Roman, calm down. Your plan is absolutely amazing, astonishing, marvelous and…” Roman takes a glimpse at himself in the mirror and groans, pulling his hair a little bit out of frustration “Who the hell am I kidding? This is never gonna work out!”

“What is never going to work out?” asks quiet voice at the entrance to the room and Roman turns around, eyes wide opened.

They haven’t seen each other for some time now. Which is suspicious considering the fact that they live under the same roof. But Roman doesn’t blame Virgil, how could he if it’s not his fault?

Virgil leans against the doorframe, looking like his usual gorgeous self. His arms are crossed on his chest in a defensive gesture as if he came without protection, ready to give up but prepared to fight. Roman’s gaze softens and he can feel a blush blooming on his cheekbones. No one is allowed to look that cute. Moments later he reminds himself at this is the perfect opportunity. Probably the reason why Virgil didn’t sneak directly to his room too. Pity Roman has to destroy this blissful, casual moment. But it has to be done. They can’t start over if this issue remains unsolved. That is if Virgil wants to start over.

“You deserve so much better, Virgil.” Roman says quietly.

“What?” Virgil arches his eyebrow in a question.

“Nothing.” Roman shakes his head, putting on his well-trained light-hearted smile. “Come on in. I want to talk with you about… something.” he sighs before throwing himself at the bed, eyes closed. The cushions around him rustle and Roman wants nothing more than to crawl under the blanket and pretend that he has never existed. It feels as though his embarrassment was setting up a fire in his stomach. The sound of closing door only adds fuel to the inner flame burning his guts. Few seconds later the bed beside him dips under Virgil. Roman’s heart skips a beat. He can’t help it really. He knows that Virgil’s hand is resting so painfully close to his own but he restrains himself from reaching for it. It’s not the right moment. Instead he swallows the gulp forming in his throat. The anticipation hangs in the air.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Virgil asks after few minutes of complete silence, moving a little bit more in the middle of the bed. Something about this movement makes Roman’s heart go out of the rooftop. He finally opens his eyes.

Roman prompts himself on his elbows, fixing the eyes at the wall, decorated with the posters, in front of him.

“I think it’s pretty obvious what I want to talk about…” He bites his lips, trying to take off one socks with his foot.

“You’re anxious.” pointed Virgil bluntly. Roman looks at him, surprised.

“I mean… yeah of course but-”

Virgil shakes his head firmly.

“We can’t talk if you’re anxious. It’s bad for you. You will grow more and more nervous with every second and end up feeling like a shit.” he explains patiently, looking out of the window. The single ray of sun falls on his face and he has to close his eyes. Glittery, grey eyeshadow shimmers in the sunlight.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” sighs Roman, only then realizing how his breathing quickened up. He gets up and sits on the bed cross-legged, facing Virgil. Before the other opens his eyes, Roman leans forward, pulling the curtain over the window. The room grows darker, creating close, private space. Something in Roman’s guts tells him that Virgil will be more relaxed if there’s little to none possibility that someone sees them. He mimics Virgil’s movements and also closes his eyes, trying to focus on his breath. Virgil is right, he has to be calm to be able to talk about this issue properly.

Roman opens his eyes few minutes later, to see Virgil staring intensely at him. The moment lasts only a second before he turns away his gaze embarrassed. Blush covers the cheeks of both of them. Roman takes one last deep breath.

“I wanted to apologize.” he says softly, mentally prepared for the outburst of anger and avalanche of insults. He dares to glance at Virgil. His face is almost as red as the sash that Roman wore in _Into The Woods_. In other situation Roman would probably think that he looks absolutely adorable but now he’s too nervous to deliberate over that.

“No need to apologize…” replies Virgil, playing nervously with the strip coming of his hoodie.

“I beg your pardon, but there is a massive need to apologize!” blurts Roman, gesturing vividly. Virgil looks at him behind his purple bangs. “I acted like an utter douchebag and don’t you dare to deny that! Not only I violated your privacy but also ran away like a coward! This shall not stand!”

“I would do the same.” mumbles Virgil, still avoiding Roman’s gaze “I mean… Running away. I’m good at this.” he adds shyly as though he was the one admitting of being guilty.

“Sorry but, in no case scenario, I can’t imagine you pushing your presence into someone’s world.” Roman shakes his head “You’re too kind for that.”

Virgil snorts.

“Don’t make a saint out of me. I’m no saint and you know that.” he growls quietly, rubbing his arm. Roman has noticed few weeks ago that Virgil tends to do that whenever he gets to talk about himself. He was meaning to ask him about that but this wasn’t the right time to talk about it.

“Do you know what makes a saint a saint, Virgil?” Roman asks, helplessly staring at the boy in front of him, trying to show the honesty through his eyes, hoping that the other would notice. “It’s not their perfection but the way they managed to deal with their problems and conquered them. I strongly believe that you’re on your way to become a saint.”

The room falls completely silent and Roman anxiously bites his lips. Maybe it was a bad decision to say that after all? Did he mess up again before he got to fully make it up for the last time? Virgil’s eyes show pure confusion as if he wasn’t sure if it’s not a prank. Roman decides that it would be too much to expect Virgil to answer that. He has messed up enough already.

“Anyway, sorry about that unfortunate situation. It was wrong. I know. I shouldn’t have…” Roman takes a deep breath and, blushing fiercely, tears his gaze away in embarrassment “I shouldn’t have kissed you without asking for your permission…”

“It’s fine, really…” Virgil’s voice is trembling and Roman doesn’t have to see him to know that his crush is just as shy about the whole situation as him.

“It’s not. You have a boyfriend and-”

“Boyfriend?” Virgil huffs out in disbelief. Roman looks up hearing the tone of his voice.

“Yeah?” Roman hides his clenched fists under his arms, trying to hide the fact the his knuckles has turned almost white “I mean that guy whom Olaf mentioned… Isn’t he your… Partner?”

Virgil blinks a couple of times before bursting into laughter so loud that it makes Roman’s head spin. He can’t recall last time Virgil has laughed so openly and at this moment it doesn’t even matter that he’s laughing at Roman himself. The sound is so beautiful that is takes Roman’s breath away, painting deep blush on his cheeks, ears and down his neck. It feels like he is being repaid for all the embarrassment he had to put himself through. The moment lasts too short for Roman’s liking but what he hears next is even more of a reward.

“Remy’s not my boyfriend.” clears up Virgil, cheerfulness peeking from his eyes, hidden behind the purple bangs.

“Remy’s not your boyfriend…” echoes Roman, his face suddenly pale. Suddenly blind confusion, mixed with embarrassment, covers his mind and eyes. He has actually never asked _the_ question after all. “Oh, you don’t… I mean you’re not into… Oh Gosh! I’m so sorry!” he whines, hiding face in his hands, cautiously looking at Virgil, behind the space between his fingers. “I just bluntly assumed that you… That puts the whole kiss in even worse light!” he exclaims with horror. “Virgil, I’m so sorry!”

“Um, excuse me but what do you mean?” Virgil asks, squinting his eyes as if it would help him, understand Roman better.

Roman leans a little bit closer and whispers conspiratorially, blushing:

“I foolishly assumed that you’re gay…” With these words the last snippets of Roman’s hopes and will to live, disappear. He will lose it if it turns out that all this time he has been pining after a straight boy. He fixed his eyes at his crossed knees.

“What?” squeaks Virgil, a pang of pain slashes Roman’s heart vertically. His muscles tense up and he has to close his eyes, in case tears started running down his face.

“I know… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, it’s just-”

“No!” blurts Virgil, almost offended and Roman dares glances at him. Slight shock and amusement distorts his face. “Oh, no. That’s not what I meant at all! I’m 100% gay, I’m like the gayest of them all!” he pokes his skinny chest and Roman can’t help but smile a little bit at that. “What I meant was that Remy is not my boyfriend because he feels like a family to me! He is… He’s that gay friend that we all have!”

“I’m usually that gay friend.” jokes Roman, much more relaxed. He puts his hands on the bed behind him. It feels normal. Sitting like that with Virgil. Having an actual conversation with its embarrassments and jokes. So, after all, they can moved over that fatal kiss. Or at least Virgil can. Because Roman suspects that he would never get over the softness of the other’s lips.

“Rem helped me a lot when I couldn’t take care of myself.” Continues Virgil to Roman’s surprise. He’s much more open today but who is Roman to complaint about that? “He always appears in the cloud of smoke like a fucking genie when I need help.”

“Sounds pretty _boyfriendish_ to me…” Roman mutters under his nose. The jealousy pinches him painfully in the heart, even though he doesn’t have a right to feel that way. From the way Virgil speaks about Remy, he can assume that indeed there’s not romantic affection between these two, but Roman can’t be sure about Remy’s feelings to Virgil, right? They’ve known each other for presumably quite a  long time and Virgil is everything this world dreams of...

“Oh god, save me from having a drama queen like him as a partner” Virgil laughs sarcastically.

“Well, I guess it cross me out of the list of candidates, doesn’t it?” says Roman smoothly with a playful smirk but his heart is pounding inside his chest, every beat more painful than the previous one.

Virgil stares at him with his eyes wide opened.

 

Virgil’s POV

_“There’s no way you heard that right!”_ screeches the Voice is Virgil’s head. _“And even if you did, it was only a stupid joke! Don’t play attention to that I beg you. You know how it may end. With a terrible heartbreak.”_ At some point of his inner monologue the Voice starts mixing with his own thoughts causing a throbbing headache. _“You’re taking too long to answer!”_ reminds him a loud squeal inside his skull.

_It was bad idea to stop at the entrance of Roman’s door at the first place. He should have just go straight to him room but the temptation was too big. Besides, some things needed to be sorted out and despite Elliot’s advices and Remy’s menaces, Virgil knew that he had to somehow help Roman push the whole wheel._

Thoughts spin in his causing a small tornado until his gaze meets with Roman’s. _Holy crap, he’s not joking_. Or is a bloody good actor. And he looks so beautiful in Virgil’s eyes. Roman’s tanned skin dipped in the shadows of the room, golden eyes shining like chunks of gold, his perfectly shaped nose and lips that Virgil once touched with his own. How a person like Roman could ask a question suggesting that…

“I…” whispers Virgil. He wishes he could speak more confidently but the blood pumping through his heart and veins, muffles everything with roaring noise.

 _“No.”_ he thinks with determination _“I’m not having a panic attack right now.”_

Heat is burning his lungs, just like the first time he smoke a cigarette. He tries moving his stiff, icy cold fingers. Muscles on his back feel as though they were made out of steel but despite that he straightens up. He wants to look properly while saying that. Roman remains silent. Patient as always, he waits for Virgil to finish his sentence. Or maybe his line? Maybe this is all one big theatrical performance for him? Maybe he would laugh hearing the answer but Virgil knows that he can’t lie about this.

“It doesn’t cross you out of the list of candidates.” he says quietly, subconsciously waiting to hear Roman’s laugh. Nothing like that happens. Roman draws the air loudly and for some strange reason it adds a little bit of self-confidence to Virgil. For once he feels like he’s winning with everything that’s going on inside of him. “The list is pretty short actually.” he adds.

The clock on the wall counts down the seconds that has passed since Virgil said that. He counted them all. Four. Four long seconds.

“That’s very desirable and precious information.” breaths out Roman.

 _“He could kiss me right now.”_ a thought, loud and bright flashes through Virgil’s head like a thunder. _“Please kiss me.”_ every inch of his skin burns to be touched, caressed, cherished and for a moment, Virgil actually believes that he could have that with Roman. Here and now if he only wanted to.

But Roman moves away and, by leaning back, and makes the gap between them larger. He bites his lips and looks away. Virgil can feel the taste of the next thing he wants to say on his tongue. To say that Roman is the only one of the list. But Virgil looks at him, his pink blush and lost eyes in the color of liquid gold, and he knows that it’s better to keep this information for himself. Some things need baby steps to work out.

 _“And yet, here you are Virge, standing in one place.”_ whispers Voice and Virgil shivers. Anxiety tickles his heart once again this day and he looks around trying to anchor himself. Absently he starts tracing the shapes on the blanket covering Roman’s bed. It feels so smooth under his touch. His feet presses the mattress. It as soft as he remembers it to be. The hoodie, tugging his shoulders is heavy but that’s okay. It’s familiar heaviness.

“Will you ever introduce me to Remy?” Roman asks and the question feels so out of nowhere that Virgil takes a moment to connect the dots. Ah, right. They were talking about Remy before. Actually it was Remy who started this whole conversation, sort of.

“I mean, sure. If you want to…” he replies shakily.

“I survived Elliot, he can’t be much worse, right?” Roman shrugs, rubbing his arm. His legs dangle of the bed.

“Remy is…” Virgil clicks his tongue “He’s something else.”

“I shall prepare myself for the cultural shock then!” a bright smile blossoms on his face and Virgil notices the small dimple in Roman’s left cheek. Cute. Their eyes meet and the smile becomes even wider. Virgil shyly smiles back. Both of them in union lie down on the bed.

Virgil stares at the ceiling. The ceiling that Roman stares at every night. _What does he think of when he can’t sleep?_ Resting both of his hand on mattress, he brushes his fingers against Roman’s hand. The touch sends an sensation going through his arm to his heart. It warms him up from inside. He would stay like that forever if he only could. The eyelids cover his eyes, like a safety blanket, and all he can see it darkness but he doesn’t fear of it. Even the whispers echoing in his head, doesn’t seem as threatening as usually.

“Hey, Virgil?”

He hums in reply. If he opened his mouth all the peace could escape.

“Thank you.” Roman’s voice is smooth like velvet. Virgil remains quiet. “Thank you for letting me come closer to you. I was kind of rude at the beginning... I think I just didn’t want someone to replace Thomas.”

The sound of this name brings back the memories to Virgil. Lonely nights, spent in the room that felt so strange and dangerous back then. Feeling surrounded and cornered. _Replacement._ That’s what he was. That’s what he is. Maybe always will be.

“But you know,” starts Roman again and Virgil opens his eyes. The ceiling hasn’t moved since he saw it last time. Anchor. “I was wrong.”

“Happens to the best of them, or so I heard.” chuckles Virgil. Roman beside him shifts on the bed.

“Virgil, I’m serious. I misjudged you and your position in my life.” the words slip through the curtain of dark hair, right into the depths of Virgil’s mind and soul. He turns his head to the right. Roman lies on his left side, head resting on a hand. _He’s so close._

“You did?”

“Mhm. I thought of you as a replacement, a filling that didn’t fit into the shape of the den. I was wrong. You are something new that filled the space which I didn’t know that required filling.”

“Is that good?” asks Virgil, fixing his gaze back at the ceiling.

Roman chuckles.

“Yeah. That’s good.” his breath is even, calm, anchoring.

“You’re welcome.” mumbles Virgil, smiling.

“Dork.”

“But you like me.”

“I do.”

Virgil forgets how to breath for a moment before whispering silently:

_“I like you too.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be the fluffiest shit I included in this fic. Well, what can I say: I'm not good at writing fluff but I did my best here! As always I apologize for typos etc, etc. I hope that this chapter isn't as boring and dhattered as it seems to me! Thank you for all your encouraging comments! I love you guys a lot! And woah, soon this story will probably hit 400 kudos which is absolutely insane! Thank you for that!  
> PS Let me know how did you like this unusual chapter ^^


	19. Emeralds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whole chapter is Roman's POV and I think it says a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: alcohol mention, anxiety disorder mention

Roman’s POV

 

Things have been almost perfect for Roman recently. The rehearsals take place without any disturbances. His grades are quite decent, considering how little time he has been spending over book (although he asked Logan if he could join his studying sessions). And above all- his relation with Virgil has finally started to blossom. Yes, it’s been only few days but why shouldn’t Roman be optimistic about it? Especially after the torment he has been going through for the past month!

It is hard for Roman not to run too much ahead of himself. It simply is a part of his nature to jump from one point directly to another. But now, with Virgil, he has to take things slow. It’s not jumping anymore, it’s hopping. But even the tiniest progress is better than nothing, right? Beside, Roman is more than certain that Virgil is worth it.

Still trying to nail how to slow down his actions and thoughts, days seem to pass so quickly and yet so slowly. Especially slowly when Virgil isn’t around, like today. During past few days they have grown closer to each other to the point that Virgil chose to come to Roman’s room all by himself twice. Twice. Enough to say that Roman was pretty ecstatic to see his dark silhouette standing in the door. 

However, today to pass some time and maybe make it up for all the advices, Roman decided to hang out with Patton a little bit. And he could have sworn that it has nothing to do with the fact that Virgil said that he would be home late today. He could have sworn but no one would believe Roman anyway.

“And you see, I want to take it slow from now on!” Roman explains happily, sitting on his fluffy carpet, squishing one of the pillows. Patton as always listens him with the greatest care occasionally munching on animal-shaped cookies. “I feel that we’re getting closer real quick anyway! I got a chance from this dark angel, padre! And I don’t want to ruin it with my foolishness again!”

“I’m so proud of you!” smiles Patton and leans to pinch Roman’s right cheek “I can see that you truly care about that boy and…” something akin of a dark cloud crosses Patton’s face “I hope that he will treat you well too. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

Roman blinks his eyes few times before breaking into a laughter. 

“It was your worst joke so far, Patton!” he giggles, holding his stomach “I can’t possibly imagine Virgil hurting me!”

“Even by accident?” Patton raises his eyebrow.

“Well…” Roman hums quietly, could Virgil harm him by accident? Possibly yes. But didn’t Roman himself hurt him in a very similar way? “You can’t go through life or relationship without getting hurt.” says Roman finally “The most important things are sincere apology and a visible improvement.” 

The room falls silent for a moment as Patton thinks of Roman’s response. Finally he lightly pats his knee, breaking into a well-known, warm smile. 

“I guess you’re right, kiddo. There’s no way one could completely avoid getting hurt.” he nods but Roman can see that part of Patton’s mind is still deep in thoughts “But if something happens, remember that you can always come to me.”

“Won’t hesitate, Patton!” agrees Roman, smiling sweetly. He knows that Patton is an amazing friend, kind and always ready to listen, despite the fact that he has many problems of his own. Not even once Roman has heard Patton shouting or getting mad without a reason. Though his friend isn’t the first one to talk about his own family, he has always emphasized that there are two types of families. The biological one, with which one is tied with bloodlines, bonds that they didn’t create themselves. And the other, chosen one, made out of people that one cares about. Friends, siblings by feelings, not bloodlines, partners. Roman will never forget that. He often comes back to this words thinking about Virgil. The desire to become his other family appears like a dream but recently, it seems not to be entirely delusional. 

“Kiddo? Roooomaaan?” Patton waves a hand in front of Roman's face.

“Mm?” Roman shakes head “Oh well, sorry about that.” he smiles awkwardly. He spaced out. Again. It happens a lot recently. He doesn’t even know when and how but he completely sinks into his dreamland.

Patton giggles.

“I was just asking how do you feel about a good, old family dinner tomorrow? You know, to bring you and a certain man closer. Besides, it’s high time for you to introduce him as your boyfriend to your father.” Patton winks at the end, causing a deep blush to crawl on Roman’s face.

“It… it’s not like that, you know?” stutters Roman, hot, red stains covering his cheeks “At least not… not yet.” he smiles shyly at the end.

“So cute.” sums Patton “You’re so adorable when you’re in love, I almost envy you…” sighs Patton dreamingly. 

“You and envy?” laughs Roman “Every day I learn something new, I suppose.”

“Did someone say ‘learn’?” Logan peaks behind the door frame. His hair is a little bit ruffled and eyes sleepy, after a nap. He usually takes a nap in the afternoon since apparently it makes up for the sleep he missed while studying at night.

“Oh! Owlgan is here!” claps Patton with excitement and makes a space on the floor for his friend. Logan cautiously stays in the door, leaning against the frame.

“ _ Owl _ -what?” he arches his eyebrow.

“ _ Owl _ gan! You know, because you stay up late at night like an owl!” beams Patton “I tried to jumble the letters but  _ Low _ gan doesn’t sound right...” he sighs sadly and hands something to Logan, ignoring Roman’s chuckle. As Logan brings the object closer to his eyes, he realizes that it’s an owl-shaped cookie. Smiling a little bit, he tosses it into his mouth.

“Well, that’s a poor pun even for you.” he says seriously but Roman isn’t blind. The small sparks are already brightening Logan’s eyes from inside. “Anyway, what were you two discussing, so conspiractionally?” 

“We’re actually talking about a dinner tomorrow!” Patton lights up again “I think both of us should put more effort into getting to know Virgil!”

“Speak for yourself, I play chess with him almost every Tuesday.” hums Logan, visibly proud “I even won once!”

“You… You what?” Roman’s eyes open widely and he feels like he was choking with air. Here he is, every day fighting for even a minute of conversation and Logan gets that so effortlessly just because he’s incorrigible nerd? That cannot be! 

“He’s really good player!” huffs out Logan a little bit offended “You’ve seen it yourself!” he adds, completely misinterpreting Roman’s question.

“Silly! Roman thinks that you know Virgil  _ very _ well, Logan!” giggles Patton. With one hand he brings Roman closer, into a hug. Roman mumbles something that can be read as an ‘exactly’ and hides his face in Patton’s shirt. 

Logan dumbfounds for a minute before clearing his throat, making Roman look at him again.

“As much as I tried to, Virgil doesn’t like to talk during our little sparings. I tried to initiate the conversation multiple times but without a vivid response. Hence to that I simply stopped, seeing that it only makes him anxious. Besides I myself prefer silence over irrelevant blabbing.” explains Logan quickly. “At this point all that I know about him is that he is an excellent chess player and that his anxiety disorder makes his life harder than I thought. I can also assure you, Roman, that I am not interested in Virgil in a romantic way, if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

“Wait, wait! Anxiety disorder?” squeaks Patton and Roman bits his lips. Though Logan’s little speech soothed his nerves in some aspects, it also suggested that Roman isn’t the only one aware of Virgil’s problem.

“Yeah… I suspected that too…” Roman says quietly, thinking if it’s a right moment to mention other issues that he knows that Virgil struggles with on a daily basis. 

“Poor kiddo! We have to find a way to help him!” cries Patton, closing the box with cookies with determination “Well then, I will do my best so that the atmosphere during the dinner was light-hearted and fluffy! Do you-”

Suddenly Logan snaps his fingers, cutting Patton in the middle of the sentence. 

“Roman, didn’t you mention that you’re going out tomorrow?” Roman meets Logan gaze “A concert perhaps, or something similarly loud and crowded?” he asks.

_Oh._ **_OH._**

“Shit.” mutters Roman ignoring Patton’s gasp “Shit, shit, shit.” everything clicks in his head. Tomorrow’s the festival he promised to attend with Olaf. It seems like the deal was sealed months ago and ever since then Roman found answers to questions he was looking for. It makes everything even more complicated and, sadly, completely unnecessary. 

“Owww… Can’t you call it off?” saddens Patton, looking at Roman with his big, brown eyes. 

Roman shakes his head. Olaf would hammer Virgil and him completely if Roman called it off in the last minute.

“Sadly, I can not… Let’s do the dinner next week, shall we?” Roman forces a smile, guiltily trying to get rid of Patton and Logan. He needs some time alone. The blood is rushing through his veins. How could he forget about that? Terrible, overwhelming perspectives of tomorrow’s evening flash through his head. Each picture more depictive than the previous one.

“Sure thing, kiddo!” agrees Patton, smiling softly and rubbing Roman’s arm. He has probably already sensed the uneasy feelings growing under Roman’s skin. Perks of heightened empathy. “Come on, Logan. I need your help with something!” Patton gets up from the ground and practically drags Logan out of the room, almost as though he could read in Roman’s mind. Before he closes the door behind them he, once again, smiles to Roman. 

But it doesn’t help. It doesn’t help at all.

\---

Roman nervously paces around the room. The vision of today’s meeting with Olaf has been killing him for the past 24 hours and at this point he just wants it to be over as soon as possible. He tried texting Olaf, asking delicately if there was a chance of changing the plans but the answer only confirmed that Roman doesn’t really have a choice if he wants to stay in the safe zone of Olaf’s influences. If Virgil’s reputation wasn’t also on the scales, maybe Roman would chose to not come, but in this case scenario… There was no way he could willingly cause his crush any more problems to worry about.

He regrets that he agreed on that on the first place. From perspective of time it seems absolutely idiotic to make a deal with the devil itself, just to get small, tiny information. Why didn’t he go straight to Virgil? Roman sighs heavily, before flopping on the bed. Actually, he hasn’t seen Virgil today but maybe it’s better this way. It almost feels as though Roman was cheating with Olaf on him. Of course, Virgil and Roman aren’t a couple, and this outing with Olaf is d _ efinitely _ not a date but still it feels just wrong. Roman’s stomach is tied into a knot and he starts doubting if he will even be able to arrive to the festival. His phone lights up and he doesn’t even have to check to know who’s that. 

**_Olaf:_ ** _ See you in less than an hour ;) _

Oh, how Roman hates that guy. If it wasn’t for Virgil’s safety, Roman would run away instantly. But Virgil… he is an innocent party, poor casualty, that just happens to sit in the middle of Roman’s heart and apparently it is showing.

Sighing Roman pulls on the leather jacket. He doesn’t even bother to look super-good today. There’s no point in trying for this rat. He could think that Roman cares for him and that would be a beginning of a new disaster. Roman shivers as this thought crosses his mind and puts the phone into the pocket. 

“It’s gonna be over sooner than you think.” he crooks a smile to his reflection in the mirror but even that looks unconvincing. 

The dorm is completely empty. He locks the door behind himself, hoping that the others didn’t forget to take the keys. Alone, he feels as if he was walking straight to attend his own funeral. Trying to calm himself down, he allows his thoughts to travel right to his crush. There is a question that has been tormenting Roman’s mind for quite a while now. Precisely ever since he stole the kiss- is Virgil aware of Roman’s feelings and affection? Is Roman too obvious? Is that scaring Virgil away? He has been holding himself back from making Virgil a breakfast every day in case it was too much for him but… Maybe it already is clear as a tear? 

Roman growls wrapping himself tighter with the jacket. It’s beginning of the December and though it isn’t cold, it’s still a chilly afternoon. 

“As if it wasn’t enough that the perspectives for this night are icy cold.” Roman mutters to himself and speeds up the pace. The sooner he arrives there, the better.

Few streets later, he can finally hear the rhythmical music and the bubbling sound of the crowds. Luckily, Olaf didn’t insisted on attending all the shows, only couple ones that are supposed to take place later. Actually, Roman didn’t even bother to check online any of the bands that are supposed to give concerts today. He didn’t want to get his hopes too high. In best case scenario, he will be pleasantly surprised with the music and it will help him survive the evening. 

He doesn’t need much time to notice Olaf, who stands in front of the entrance to the hall. The building itself is really big and small Olaf, wearing tight, dark jeans and red turtleneck really doesn’t fit the whole aesthetics. Roman clenches his teeth. 

_ “I still have time to escape…” _ he thinks knowing that there’s actually no way of him running away from this responsibility. Olaf spots him few seconds later and it seals the whole plan. Now Roman is in the open palm of the devil and he has no choice but accept that.

“Roman!” waves Olaf happily, rushing up to Roman. He stands on his tip toes and wraps his arms around Roman’s neck, leaving a ghost-kiss on his cheek. Roman does his best not to push the guy away. Usually he doesn’t mind the affection and physical contact but now it’s different. First of all- it’s Olaf! Second of all- there’s only one person who is allowed to kiss him in the cheek, nowadays. Even if that person isn’t aware of that.

“Hi, Olaf.” mumbles Roman, awkwardly mirroring the hug. His arms loosely wrap around Olaf for a split of a second before he moves away.

“You did your make-up.” points Olaf, folding his hands on the chest.

“I usually do.” shrugs Roman. He didn’t put anything more than a little bit of dark eyeshadow in the corners of his eyes. Actually, he would hardly even call it a make-up. He just wanted to blend in.

“Well, you surely look gorgeous!” beams Olaf and for a moment Roman feels sorry for this pining idiot. He must he aware that Roman won’t fall in him because of the charm of one night and yet he went that far to make it happen.

“Your freckles look nice.” compliments Roman carefully.

“Damn it.” frowns Olaf “I was actually trying to hide them.”

“Oh.” Roman bites his lips.

“Yeah.” sighs Olaf, glancing at the entrance “I have the tickets so I guess we can come inside now, don’t we?” he asks and not waiting for Roman’s reply, he grabs his hand and drags him to the front door. Olaf’s hand is sweaty and yet strangely cold but in a different way than Virgil’s hand for example. Not that Roman compares them. It’s just…. Virgil’s coldness makes Roman want to make him warmed, while in Olaf’s case…. Roman just wants to let go off this icy witchcraft.

They don’t have to wait in the queue for long, since most of the people has already got inside. Ever since they queued Olaf has been rambling about some irrelevant stuff like school and home assignments and the colour of his boxers for some reason but Roman can’t say that he even tries to listen.

Soon they enter the hall and the waves of music literally flow through their bodies. To Roman’s utter happiness, the volume is set so high that he can barely hear Olaf and from what he has noticed, the other man is slowly losing his voice trying to scream over the music. Roman relaxes a little bit. Maybe it won’t be that bad if they don’t have to talk. The only thing that bothers him is the fact that Olaf still holds his hand. Roman smiles mischievously. That issue can be solved very easily. This time he doesn’t wait for Olaf and, sending one of his trade-mark smiles, Roman drags the poor boy in the middle of the crowd under the stage.

Roman is almost sure that by doing that he can part them for good. However, it seems that he underestimated Olaf’s clingliness. The shorter boy follows him literally everywhere. If Roman jumps away, Olaf jumps away after him. Being so short, he has no troubles with getting through the thick crowd and to some extent Roman is actually marveled with this. Suddenly, he feels someone’s hand grabbing his own, again. He wants to say that it’s actually not a good idea to try to get out now but he knows that Olaf wouldn’t hear him. Or maybe he simply doesn’t want to hear him? 

Nonetheless, few minutes later, they are both panting in the corner of the hall. Roman looks over his shoulder. The people dancing under of the stage look like a huge anthill. It seems that the band that plays right now is really popular among the crowd. Once again, he glances at Olaf who’s breathing heavily next to him. He reminds him of a snake- not only in sense of slimy rumours he deals with but even in the way he wiggles out of troubles. 

Olaf gestures at the door. Around the main hall there is an area with a few snack bars. Roman nods in agreement and soon both of them get out of the hall, leaving the main stage behind. Outside the music is muffled and they can actually hold a normal conversation. Roman falls on one of the stools and orders some cheap beer. He has no idea how much time Olaf wants to stay here and if they’re gonna talk…. Well Roman isn't sure if he can do that completely sober. He puts the black straw into his glass and moves his gaze at Olaf who innocently smiles at him. His forehead shines with sweat and the turtleneck tightly sticks to his body. In the beamed light he actually can actually appear pretty attractive if someone doesn’t notice the sly, dark sparks in his eyes.

“So, Roman.” Olaf allows the name to roll through his throat slowly as though he was savouring its taste “Are you having fun?” 

“It’s not bad.” Roman takes a sip of his beer “I mean, I don’t know any bands so…”

“Not really your genre?” asks Olaf arching his eyebrow.

“It’s not that, it’s just…” Roman waves his hand “I just don’t know these bands.”

“Oh, really?” Olaf leans over the counter, his arm resting on the wooden surface “That’s very interesting, tell me more.” 

“Ummm…” Roman isn't sure if it is Olaf’s very poor attempt to flirt or is it some sort of test “I mean, no names come to my mind right now.” he says finally and Olaf hums with content.  He opens his mouth, presumably to ask another question when suddenly someone appears right next to them. Roman didn’t notice this guy coming and basing on the expression on Olaf’s face, he’s not alone in the confusion.

The guy rocks a fit, black t-shirt and dark, emerald a little bit sparkly jeans. But the most bizzare thing is that this man wears a big, dark shades, covering almost half of his face. Not only it is middle of the night but also they are in the building, and who the hell uses sunglasses in conditions like that?

“May I help you?” Olaf asks finally, a shade of annoyance coating his voice. Stranger lets the shades slip down his nose, revealing deep, green eyes. One of his eyebrows is raised in a question.

“You?” snorts the man “Not really. But you-” he turns his face to Roman “I think, I know you.”

Okay, now Roman is a little bit scared. This shady guy, whom Roman sees for the first time in his life, claims to know him. 

“Do you by any chance follow me on instagram?” he asks weakly to which stranger responds with loud but short laughter. It sounds oddly melodic but doesn’t make Roman any less stressed. On the contrary.

“No, sorry darling. Though I may do that tonight.” he smiles with a dose of sarcasm before taking a sip from his travel mug. “You’re Roman, aren’t you?” he asks after once again checking him out from his feet to the top of his head. He doesn’t even try to hide his interest.

“Y-yes?” says Roman unsure if he should actually reveal this information.

“Knew it. I’m Remy by the way.” Remy smiles widely. The name sounds familiar but Roman isn’t sure where he heard it before. “I’m so glad to finally meet you! I was walking peacefully, ya know, strolling around, letting people breathe in my presence, and  _ bam, girl _ !” grins Remy.

“ _ Bam _ , girl” repeats Roman.

“ **_Bam, girl_ ** ! I noticed a pretty dashing fellow! And I was like, holy shit, Remy, doesn’t this guy fit the profile?” rambles Remy, gesturing around and Roman thinks that maybe this guy isn’t so bad after all. “And  _ tadah _ ! Dear, it’s really you! Oh, they won’t fucking believe what a  _ treat _ I found today! Follow me!” he declares before turning around on the heels of his heavy shoes, as though he was sure that Roman follows him without a question.

“Wait!” Roman stops Remy in the middle of a step. “You don’t expect me to follow a shady stranger just like that, do you?” he asks, glancing at Olaf who looks as though a gigantic chicken just walked through the middle of the hall.

“Oh, brother…” sighs Remy heavily and completely takes off his sunglasses “Look, I mean no harm. If you need a confirmation that I’m not some freaky chic, then here-” Remy quickly takes out a glossy badge. Someone’s loopy handwriting on it says ‘ _ Remy- drums _ ’. Roman has seen security men wearing badges like that, it seems legit. His gaze travels between Remy and Olaf but the decision has already been made. He takes the straw out of his glass and with one gulp, drinks all the beer that is left in the glass.

“Lead the way! Olaf… See you later!” Roman says and gets up from the stool, making use of Olaf’s confusion.

Remy nods with a small smile tugged in the corners of his lips and takes a sip from his cup. He waits until Roman catches up on him before leaning a little bit to the side.

“Great, now that you get rid of that  _ slime _ , you can finally have some fun.” he whispers giggling and Roman thinks that maybe this evening won’t be as bad as he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! 
> 
> It took me less than a month to update. Be effing proud of your author!
> 
> As always, sorry about the typos, I tried to reduce them as much as I coul.
> 
> When it comes to the chapter... I mean, we all have seen this coming, am I right? Ah, I'm glad I got this done! Local update, I take part in fanders big bang project meaning that in August I will publish full story (around 40k words), everything at once. Hence to that I have a little bit of work, so you might have to wait a little bit longer for the next update. But who knows? You guys are the best readers, so maybe I will manage to get the next updated of AND sooner!
> 
> Anyway, I wanted to clarify one thing: Olaf is not Deceit. I know that it may seem like that, but when I started writing this story, Deceit wasn't revealed yet so I didn't include him in the first vision. So yeah, Olaf's not Deceit, he's just douchebag <3
> 
> Thank you for reading and leaving a comment! It means a lot.  
> Hope to see you all soon!
> 
> PS One more thing. I created a ko-hi account so if you like this story you may consider buying me a coffee:
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/C0C7D2YP


	20. Gay Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just... two gays panicking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: drugs mention, alcohol mention, self-harm mention, self-harm scars, anxiety attack, mentions of abusive relationship
> 
> \---
> 
> I've ran over this text only few times since I wanted it to be out real quick, but beware of typos.

Roman’s POV

 

Roman has always been a good son and a responsible, young man. Despite having a sprinkle of extraness, in general he sticks to the light side. He doesn’t get himself into some sketchy situations. He avoids troubles. He has never had a crush on a handsome men in leather jackets with fine butts and weird bank accounts (or at least until the beginning of last semester, though he knows nothing about Virgil’s bank account so it doesn’t count). And yet, despite all of that, here he is- following a guy, named Remy, through some dark corridors, leading to unknown.

The air smells like gasoline, sweat and music. Violent tunes mix with oxygen. There is something quite magical about this moment. A situation like from a movie: a stranger meets the protagonist in the middle of a party and the life of both of them changes within one night. Living the dream.

Unconsciously, Roman sighs dreamily and looks at the back of the man walking in front of him. Is it possible that Remy is some sort of agent or manager who noticed how dashing Roman is and is about to offer him a contract? It doesn’t seem  _ that _ absurd, after all.

But, though he is a dreamer, Roman has a feeling that this is about something else. He has a hunch in his guts. Maybe his night is about to change but it has nothing to do with his career. He only wishes that he’s not about to be sold into some illegal business because of his fine face.

“At least Olaf was there…” murmurs Roman to himself quietly. Olaf would for sure testify if Roman’s life was in danger, right? 

Roman gulps. Maybe it was stupid to follow Remy after all? His stomach twists and he looks over his shoulder. They have crossed so many corridors… He’s not sure he could come back by himself. Though, if the situation gets nasty… getting lot in the maze of corridors is certainly a better option that bleeding out on the dumpster. Roman shivers.

“Girl, I can, like literally feel your nervousness from here.” Remy clicks his tongue without turning around to look at Roman. Instead he raises a hand and snaps his fingers. “Nothing to worry about, you're like toootally safe with me.”

“It’s kind of hard to trust a stranger that you’ve met few minutes ago…” Roman mumbles quietly knowing, for sure, that the other can hear him. As soon as he finishes the sentence Remy barks out a short laughter.

“Oh no, no, no ma’am! I would not recommend trusting me!” he points and laughs again. Remy has really pretty voice but it wears signs of an alcohol overuse. Roman frowns. What has he gotten himself into?

The music blasts loudy and Roman figures that they must be somewhere nearby the stage. If he started screaming now, no one could hear him. If Remy is professional kidnapper, he is a clever one.

“So, Roooman…” Remy says his name slowly. “Tell me, darrrling, is that petty guy from the bar and you a thing?” he asks finally, casting a look over his shoulder. His sunglasses run down his nose, giving Roman an opportunity to see how intense Remy’s stare is. He turns away his gaze.

“A thing?” Roman echoes, trying to buy himself some time. He is not in relationship with Olaf but it doesn’t mean that his heart isn’t taken. Virgil’s shy smiling face flashes through his head but he quickly pushes the image away. It is not time to think about him.

“Like a romantic thing, gal!” groans Remy slightly annoyed, “You know cuddles, kisses and more.” he winks at Roman, slowing down his pace.

“We are no such thing.” says Roman finally, his eyes looking everywhere but Remy’s face.

“You’re blushing.” Remy points casually. “Meaning that you’re either lying or there is somebody else.” 

This time Roman remains silent. The blush spreads across his cheeks but no one can possibly see that in the beamed light, right? 

“Maybe there is somebody else.” he utters finally, not sure why he suddenly confesses about his crush to a stranger. “But we’re not  _ a thing  _ either.” he adds quickly.

Remy hums happily which makes Roman look at him. He is shocked with what he sees on Remy’s face. It’s like a strange mixture of pride and self-confidence. 

“Roman. Romance. Everything fits perfectly.” says Remy to himself with a smug smile on his face. “Roman. Ro-man.” he repeats, this time to Roman himself. “Do you have any idea where we are going right now?”

Truthfully, Roman shakes his head. “No.”

“Because you are a dumbass in love.” states Remy as though it was the most obvious thing on the world. Roman gasps loudly.

“Well, I can hardly see connection between these two!” He ceases his steps, glaring at Remy angrily. “You’re just some random dude, who almost dragged me away from my friend, saying nothing about what exactly was going on! If someone is allowed to judge here, then it is me!”

Remy takes off his sunglasses and puts them into the pocket of his jacket. He looks completely unimpressed with the sudden outburst. Maybe he has been waiting for it even.

“And yet, here you are following me.” Remy arches his eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because-” starts Roman, trying to come up with some logical explanation. For a moment he regrets that Logan isn’t with him. He would immediately find an answer that makes sense. But honesty is all Roman has to offer this time. “Because I had a feeling in my guts that this is what I should do. Also I was looking for an occasion to run away from Olaf.” he groans finally, feeling of defeat eating all of his senses.

Emerald eyes stare right into Roman’s warm, brown orbs for a moment. Remy smirks again.

“You’re a good match.” he says casually and picks up the pace.

“What do you mean ‘a good match’? For who? Where are you taking me? You didn’t answer my question!” yells Roman after him, quickly catching up on the distance between them.

“Nah, girl. You’ve just never really asked a question.” replies Remy, taking his shades out of his pocket. “And that’s because deep down you already know the answers.”

“I do not!” whines Roman.

“Then you really are a dumbass.” sums up Remy.

Roman’s shoulder raise as he draws air into his lungs. His muscles tense to the point when his neck starts hurting. As childish as it is, he hates losing silly arguments. Finally, with the final breathe out, he relaxes a little bit.

“Maybe, I am a dumbass but at least an adventurous one.” he huffs out annoyed. 

“I’ve never doubted that. Come on, sport. We don’t wanna be late after all.” Remy chuckles. 

Roman swallows the question forming in his throat. He wouldn’t get a proper answer anyway. The corridor grows brighter. Above each door there is a small lamp. Remy’s glittery jeans, shimmer in the light. The way he walks suggests that he knows this place pretty well. He acts even more confident than before, from time to time glancing at Roman playfully. 

On the other hand, Roman feels as his legs grow weaker and weaker. It is clear that the goal is close but he still has no idea what it can be. His nails dig into his skin, probably leaving red marks on the inner side of his palm. He has no idea what is he doing. This is madness. And why is he nervous? He knows that he still has time to turn around and run away, move to South Carolina, change his name to Bruce and till the end of his days paint flowery landscapes. But he also knows that he would never turn away, not now. There is something that pushes him forward.

Finally, Remy stops in front of one of the door. He grins at Roman and pats his shoulder.

“Are you ready, prince charming?”

“Ready for what?” 

“For the fate which brought two lovers together.” laughs Remy manically and opens the door, pushing Roman inside.

There, in the middle of the room, with cigarette between his slender fingers, stands a man Roman has been pining after for months.

Virgil looks gorgeous. But his eyes are wide with terror.

 

Virgil’s POV

 

_ *an hour earlier*  _

“How’s the crowd today?” asks Virgil absently, adding a little bit more of purple glitter in the corner of his eye. He curses under his breath as a little bit of it goes straight to his eye. “Stop, fucking, moving Elliot, you’ve literally almost ruined my make-up!” he growls, trying to push Elliot away with his elbow.

Elliot sticks out their tongue before lying down on the couch nearby. It’s covered with all types of clothing, ranging from long, dark trench coats, to the sparkly, purple tops.

“Hi, girls! Sorry, I’m late!” sings Remy sweetly as he walks into the small room. “Ugh, what a dark, ugly place. These conditions are beyond my understanding.”

“How dare they treat us like that.” giggles Elliot, kicking the air.

“Oh, I know right!?” agrees Remy.

Virgil sighs, putting down his brush. His fingers linger on the box filled with his lipsticks. He takes a glance at the mirror and small smile appears in the corners of his mouth. The reflection doesn’t show Virgil anymore, all he can see is mysterious face of Anxiety. He can finally look at himself without an urge to throw up.

“Remy, is there a chance you will ever be on time?” Virgil asks, turning around on his spinning chair. Well, technically almost everything in their dressing room is rented but it doesn’t matter. As long as he sits on it it’s his.

“Watch me be late on my own funeral.” says Remy leaning over Virgil’s shoulder. The scent of leather mixed with vodka fills Virgil’s nostrils. Meanwhile Remy tries to fish out the proper shade of lipstick from the box. Virgil doesn’t even wince when Remy accidentally hits his head with an elbow. “You should totally rock the black one today, Virge.” declares Remy confidently.

“Oh yes! Wear the black one, please!” cheers Elliot, nervously stretching the strips around his wrist. “Slay that zombie look!”

“You. Both of you.” Virgil points at Elliot and Remy, “You’re insufferable.”

“Awww, look at him, Elliot! He loves us!” cooes Remy and opens the tube with black lipstick. He carefully applies the colour on Virgil’s pale lips. “Done. You can see yourself now, pretty girl.” he says proudly and presses a kiss on the top of Virgil’s head. “Now that my job here is done, I will infiltrate the area of our enemy.” he says smuggly.

“He’s out to find some bar.” translates Elliot, as they yawn on the couch.

“Maybe change your clothes, first?” points Virgil.

“Pfff, girl. I’m going to perform in this today. I’m gonna look the best anyway.” grins Remy and snatches his sunglasses from the table. “See ya later, ladies!” he adds before closing the door.

The room falls quiet again. Virgil carefully checks his face in the mirror, making sure that not even a pinch of his usual self is visible under Anxiety’s mask. After few minutes of observation, with a sigh, he smudges some dark eyeshadow under his eyes. The make-up is much neater than the one he usually sports. Each move of the brush on his eyelids is perfectly calculated. It reminds Virgil of the time he did Roman’s make-up one morning. Oh, how nervous he was back then. His cheeks slowly start burning and he gets up from his chair. 

“You wouldn’t make some space for me, even if I asked you, would you?” he asks, watching Elliot pull up his over-knee checked socks. They are still spread across the whole couch, leaving no space to sit.

Elliot grins in response and Virgil sits on the floor, like a proper gay he is. They still have some time until the beginning of their scheduled concert. Virgil takes out notes from the bag and allows his eyes run over the lines over and over again. This is the first time he’s going to perform some of these songs and he would lie if he said that it doesn’t make him freak out a little bit. He tries to refrain himself from biting his lips as it would ruin his make-up. It’s not an easy job.

As the time rolls, his heartbeat starts quickening and soon familiar wave of hotness floods his body. Virgil glances at Elliot who has their eyes closed and mirrors the action, trying to fight back the approaching anxiety attack.

Once his eyes are closed, Virgil regrets his decision. He finds himself in complete darkness, his perfect facade shattered under his feet. It feels so cold in his own head.

_ “You really thought that you could pull this trick again, Virge?” _ echoes Voice in his head.  _ “You really are a naive, little child. Didn’t I tell you to give up on this crap? You only harm the others.” _

Virgil can feel as his lips tremble. He tries to form the response but no words come out. Everything is blocked with the lump in his throat. The panic in his stomach grows stronger, slowly paralysing the whole body. 

_ No, he has to snap out of this state quickly! _

_ “If only it was this easy, am I right?”  _ speaks Voice casually.

The darkness is swirling around Virgil, he feels almost blind with this colour and yet he can’t open his own eyes. The heart hammers loudly in his chest, measuring the time and testing his strength. And does he feel like giving up already. He just wants this madness to end.

“Virgil, stay calm.” whispers another voice into Virgil’s ear. It takes him a moment to recognise it. Elliot. “I’m gonna touch your hand now and we will get you out of there, alright?” they say quietly.

Virgil nods slightly. Something soft touches his hand and he instantly wraps his fingers around Elliot’s wrist. An anchor. 

“Name five things you can see.” says Elliot. “You don’t have to open your eyes. Just tell me what you see right now.”

“Darkness.” replies Virgil hoarsely.

“That’s not five things, right?” Elliot laughs quietly.

“Right.” agrees Virgil, slowly opening his eyes, spying Elliot’s trap. The room seems incredibly light compared to the darkness in his head. “I can see the door, my jacket, the hanger, the floor and the lamp.” he lists rapidly, drawing the air into his lungs. He doesn’t even know when he stopped breathing.

“Great but take your time as you speak. No need to rush.” explains Elliot, putting their hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “Now four things you can touch. Focus, Virgil.”

“The dirty floor under my palm… your warm hand on mine… the choker around my neck and the silver, cold pendant on my chest.” says Virgil.

“Now, tell me three things that you can hear.”

“The noise from the hall… You breath…” his eyebrows furrow. “Someone playing guitar in the distance.”

“Wonderful. Let’s focus on you cute, little nose, okay?” asks Elliot. “You know how it goes. Two things.”

Virgil wrinkles his nose a little bit. “I can smell a leather and some alcohol.”

“Yeah, thanks to Remy, I suppose.” jokes Elliot and Virgil can feel himself relaxing. “And finally, what can you taste, Virgil?”

“The lipstick on my lips.” says Virgil almost immediately. “We need to re-apply it before Remy comes back.”

Content with the out-come, Elliot nods. They get up quickly in search of the lipstick and after a moment, toss it to Virgil, before sitting back on the couch. Their fingers find the way to the strips around the wrist and start nervously pulling on them. When Virgil’s breathing is in check again and he directs his attention back to his friend. 

“Is everything alright, Elli?” he asks quietly, though he suspects what is going on in their head.

Elliot rest their black eyes on Virgil. It’s hard to read any emotion out of these endless, dark wells but over the years Virgil became better at doing that.

“I’m just afraid that he will come here.” says Elliot finally, glancing at the closed door. “Mitchell.” they add after few seconds.

“If he comes, I will personally kick his ass.” Virgil declares seriously, his voice dripping with anger. He will never forgive this bastard for what he had done. Elliot hums in agreement but both of them know that the conversation isn’t over yet.

“I know that it’s silly, Virgil…” starts Elliot again. “But I miss him a little bit. I know that he is the worst. How to explain it…? I posses this knowledge but it doesn’t change anything, I guess? I know that he has harmed me but… all of this…” Elliot draws a circles around the room with their hand. “Reminds me of all these times, he used to visit us before the concert to you know… deliver something fun. Crack or something like that.” chuckles Elliot. It’s clear that they have been hesitating if they should tell this till the last moment. “It’s unsettling to have this shit out of my life. Good and bad at the same time. As weird as it sounds, I’m ready for Mitchell to appear here anytime even if I don’t want this. It’s sick, isn’t it?” they ask finally.

Virgil shakes his head. “No, it’s completely normal. But it also shows how deeply he has poisoned your life, Elli. You have to fight it.” He could see the pain in his friend’s posture, the shadow in their eyes, hollowness in their cheeks. It made Virgil form his hands into two, boney fists. He takes two deep breaths, he knows that he should be in control of his emotions now. “How’s the therapy going anyway?”

“Picani’s cool. I like the guy.” Elliot smiles sadly. “He said that at first the changes in my life won’t be very visible but even the tiniest things matter. It’s really… comforting.”

“He does sound like a good person.” nods Virgil, “And if he helps you, then I couldn’t be more happy.”

Elliot’s eyes travel to Virgil’s face and back on the floor. They start playing with the hem of their skirt.

“You know Virge… I was thinking that maybe you could come with me…” they shift on the couch, refusing to look at Virgil, afraid of rejection. “To visit Picani.”

“You’re afraid of going alone?” asks Virgil numbly. The heart in his skinny chest skips the beat. Every pump of blood more painful than the last one. 

“You know what I mean, Virge.” Elliot frowns, “What you’re doing to yourself is not exactly healthy.” they whisper, concern lacing their voice. 

“Let me decide myself what I need, okay?” Virgil snaps suddenly. “I would have to lie to him at some point and I’m not good at this and you know it. Besides, I’ve never said I wanted to be healthy.”

“Virgil, I-” 

“I don’t wanna have this talk now. We have one fucking job tonight and it’s called ‘entertaining people with music’. Let’s focus on this, okay?” groans Virgil and gets up from the floor. He stretches out his arms and his shirt rides up, revealing a small patch of bare skin on his skinny stomach. The hip-bone shines in the light of lightbulb. Elliot turns away their gaze, biting the lower lip. “Geez, I hope that Remy will be back soon. Sober. We have half an hour left.” Virgil clicks his tongue and lights up his cigarette. The smoke slowly fills the air.

Suddenly the door open abruptly and, laughing like a manic, Remy pushes someone into the room. Virgil’s heart drops on the spot and he almost chokes with the smoke. His eyes grow big and round.

“Hoes, you’ll never guess who I came across on my way here!” grins Remy, leaning over the door frame.

“Holy fuck.” says Elliot, getting up from the couch. “Hello, Roman.”

Roman’s eyes, however, are only fixed on the person in front of him. They travel slowly from the heavy boots, black jeans with purple patches, sleeveless shirt, exposed bare arms covered with all sorts of scars, to finally stop at Virgil’s face. Lips decorated with black, shimmering lipstick, pale cheeks, now tinted with a pastel-pink blush, eyes surrounded with dark, heavy make-up… 

“Umm… Hi Virgil, I didn’t expect to meet, ekhem, see you here.” sutters Roman. “This is for sure…” he glances at Remy, “...unexpected.”

“Gay panic.” giggles Remy before winking at Roman and drags Elliot out of the room. “See you on the stage.

Only when they are left alone, Virgil dares to speak. 

“Hey, Roman.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost two months but hey! I'm here, I'm queer and I bring some content! and I hope that you liked what I served!
> 
> PS Also if you like my writing, i highly recommend you my brand-new, finished fic called "Horizons". It includes lots of drama with a dash of romantic prinxiety and logicality. And even more f Remy!


	21. A normal day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's unpack this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of self-harm scars and self-hate
> 
> I gave this chapter only a brief reread so beware of typos and some grammar mistakes.

**Virgil’s POV**

 

“Hey, Roman.” vibrates in the air and Virgil cringes at the sound of his own voice. Isn’t it, like the most pathetic way to greet someone? But then, for god’s sake what else was he supposed to say?

His heart feels like it was about to give up. It is almost unbelievable that he’s still alive and his heart hasn’t just stopped within last few minutes. Desperately, his lungs draw in the heavy with tension air. How is he still able to breathe? He dares to think that maybe in fact he is stronger than he has ever thought.

 _“Bullshit, Virge.”_ cuts Voice in his head shortly. Right, how could he possibly think that?

Virgil looks at Roman and _oh god_ he looks gorgeous. Sweaty hair sticking to his forehead, a sparkle in his beautiful, almond eyes and these lips, god damn it, these lips which smile so shyly, so utterly adorably.

 _“Say something, idiot.”_ squeaks Voice. _“It’s not like it’s gonna get any worse. I mean… in this  outfit? Jesus, Virge…”_

Suddenly the fabric clings to his skin a little bit too much and Virgil vaguely remembers that his arms are still bare. His eyes quickly search around the room in search of a jumper, sweater, anything that he could use to cover himself. Roman doesn’t stop him when Virgil pulls on the leather, even though his arms aren’t something Roman hasn’t seen before.

“Sorry…” mutters Virgil, a hand running through his hair. It feels wet under his fingers but he knows it’s just his imagination. He hopes it’s just his imagination. “I didn’t exactly expect you here.” he says finally, avoiding Roman’s gaze. He misses the golden, warm sparks that light up when he speaks.

“With full honesty, I didn’t expect you here either.” replies Roman breathily, smile ghosting in the corners of his mouth. “But I’m not complaining.” he adds after a moment of hesitation and Virgil, surprised, dares to look up.

He can’t help it really. But hearing these words warms his soul. And before Virgil fully realizes it, his lips curl up. Something tickles his stomach from inside. It takes a blink of a second before Virgil feels as though he was flying. He has no idea why tonight or right now. Sometimes he thinks of himself as of a rollercoaster- that’s how sudden and random his mood swings tend to be. Currently, he’s at the top and he knows that he will fall eventually but for now all he wants to feel is the wind in his hair and smile on his lips. A mixture of emotions he hasn’t felt in a long time. He doesn’t pay attention to Voice’s whispers in his head but he’s not fully Anxiety either. This is completely new feeling and though Virgil suspects it is to be gone soon, he decides to reel on it.

The courage fills him up as he watches Roman kick the air. Smirking, Virgil rolls up the sleeves of his leather jacket. Just two people talking. It feels normal, it feels casual. It feels good above all.

“How did you end up being dragged here by Remy anyway?”

Roman laughs and something pleasantly twists in Virgil stomach. Much more freely than ever before.

“It’s a long story and I suspect that you don’t have enough time for this. In short- it was a series of accidents.” says Roman, hands in the pockets of his jeans. Virgil bites his lips at this sight. Utterly adorable it is, he thinks. “Let’s talk about you. If you’re comfortable enough.” he adds quickly.

Virgil looks at himself, his reflection in the mirror, hanging next to the door. The make-up, the outfit, the strange expression on his face. And maybe he is comfortable to talk about it. Maybe today he is comfortable enough.

“Quite a sight, isn’t it?” Virgil grins surprising even himself. He doesn’t usually grin. Is this Anxiety speaking? It doesn’t feel like it either, but he can’t tell what has changed.

He searches for the answer on Roman’s face. Does he recognize Virgil under the heavy layer of stage appearance? Does he hear him in this voice?

And Roman…. well , he looks baffled and after a moment of shock he clears his throat.

“Well, I must say that it is.” he stutters at the last syllable, pink blush quickly spreads across his cheeks but Virgil blames it on the uncertainty in his voice. “But it’s not something that I haven’t seen before.”

Virgil pouts lightly. “I suppose you’re right.” His brain flashes the memory of Virgil’s thigh, touching Roman’s one and he blushes too. Bless, the dark make-up for covering that.

“You look great, Virgil.” adds Roman and something akin to fear appears in his eyes. He has seen this look in Roman’s eyes before. Unwillingly Virgil remembers the ghost-like kiss on his lips. But they have already established that it wasn’t of romantic nature, right? Or haven’t they? He’s not sure now.

“It’s just makeup and clothes. Nothing special.” Virgil shrugs finally, though his muscles remain tense.

“You look great even without all of that!” exclaims Roman passionately and Virgil’s heart skips a beat.

 _“Shut it, Virge. He means this in a platonic way.”_  Whispers Voice and Virgil manages to shake off the first shock. Right, it makes sense. Roman is very affectionate person.

“Thank you. I remind you of these words, when one day you will find me completely wasted on the kitchen floor.” he jokes lightly and how delighted he is when the sound of Roman’s loud, honest laugh once again fills the air. And Virgil thinks that maybe he could spend his lifetime trying to make Roman laughs like that. Maybe he would get some award for this because, Virgil is sure, Roman’s laugh can cure any given disease and end air-pollution.

“I doubt that that sight would change my mind though.” Roman says finally and in Virgil’s ears it almost sounds like flirting. Slightly embarrassed with his own thoughts, Virgil ruffles his purplish hair and to his amusement Roman mirrors the gesture.

The silence covers the room as neither of them knows what to say. Virgil starts feeling a little bit hot, the knot in his gut is slowly tying back and he can feel his bravado slipping from his hands. He doesn’t want to let it go but he knows that it’s already lost cause.

 _“Don’t fuck it up.”_ he repeats like a mantra.

“So…” starts Roman again, his gaze all around the small room. “You’re a musician.”

It’s a statement but Virgil feels compelled to respond anyway.

“I wouldn’t call it that way…” he utters, his voice shaking just a little bit. “Oh, fuck, get a grip.” he huffs out a little bit louder, earning Roman to look at him again. “Don’t mind me. I’m just nervous.” Virgil tries to wave it off but the emotions that were gone few seconds ago, bubble up inside of him. The bitterness reaching his throat.

“I shouldn’t be here now, should I?” asks Roman quietly. The temperature in the room drops by few degrees.

 _“You managed to make him feel bad, Virge.”_ peaks Voice.

“Oh, no!” Virgil shakes his head. “It’s not you. I’m just… usually a little bit stressed before the… show.” he explains chaotically.

“So do I. In the theatre, I mean!” says Roman, stepping a little bit closer to Virgil. He smells like a lot of people and beauty. Virgil doesn’t mind being this close to Roman. Not anymore at least. “That’s why I always try to surround myself with my friends before the play! They keep me occupied. Do you want me to go look for Elliot?” he turns around to make his point and is in the mid-step when Virgil’s pale fingers wrap around his hand.

Surprised Roman faces Virgil who looks away. Fingers don’t let go off Roman’s hand. His skin is cold, against Roman’s warm one.

“Don’t go.” says Virgil simply. “You’re a friend too.” follows, sentence as quiet as a whisper.

“A-alright.” agrees Roman and freezes in the spot. His eyes fall down to rest at their sealed hands. “Do you want to sit down?”

“I’m okay like that.” Virgil shakes his head and he gently squeezes Roman’s palm in his own. It shots a sparks down his spine. Only then he realizes the situation, he is in: standing in the room, alone with his crush and holding him by his hand. Virgil blushes once again. They are so close that he can count the buttons of Roman’s jacket, almost trace to veins running up his wrist. It takes only one step to be chest-to-chest with Roman, to hug him, to kiss him even. Virgil quickly shakes his head and lets go off the hand. It feels colder than before. Much colder. “Are you going to watch us perform?” he asks bluntly.

“If you’re okay with that I’d love to...” Roman shifts on his spot, hand tucked back into the pocket of his jeans.

Virgil’s heart hammers against his chest. There’s no way that Roman would recognize himself in one or two songs, right?

“Sure…” he says finally and the smile on Roman’s face is already enough of a reward for Virgil.

The next second Virgil knows what is going on he is pulled forward and with surprise realizes that his face made a contact with Roman’s shoulder. Virgil’s nose is horridly close to Roman’s neck and he takes a quick breath in. And knows that he will never forget this scent. Still, reluctantly though quickly, he pushes himself away from the man, who brought him into a hug. Virgil’s hands rest on Roman’s chest and he can feel Roman’s heartbeat under the white t-shirt. He blushes, the words threaten to slip out from his mouth.

And then, there’s a loud knock on the door, followed with an annoyed voice:

“Is it safe to come inside?” yells Elliot, pushing the door.

In a split of a second, Virgil from Roman’s arms, lands on the stoll nearby. Roman coughs awkwardly. Elliot smirks and Virgil makes a mental note to slap this smirk away the next time Elliot and him will be alone.

“You gotta do the singing thing, Virge!” sing-songs Remy, grinning behind Elliot.

“I’d better because you two have terrible voice.” snorts Virgil, the emotions still piercing his voice through. Elliot’s smirk, if it’s possible, grows wider.

“Oy, girl-” Remy points at Virgil, shades barely hanging on the tip of his nose. “I have fucking beautiful voice. I just save it for someone special.” he moans quietly at the end and Elliot falls into a series of incohorrent chuckles.

“You’re disgusting. Both of you.” sneers Virgil and stands up. Smoothly he swings his guitar across his chest. The leather strap painfully digs into the patch of bare skin on his collarbone.

“Pretty’s going with us?” asks Remy casually as the walk out, the drum stick he’s holding pointed at Roman. Elliot already has their guitar with themselves.

“Of course, Roman’s going with us.” Virgil glares at Remy before nodding at Roman. He misses the amused look between Elliot and Remy. “Come on. I assume you’ve never watched a concert from the backstage?”

Roman shakes his head in reply.

“Well then, prepare to the view of our butts.” giggles Elliot and firmly slaps Virgil’s ass.

“Good thing that I have good, plump-” starts Remy.

“Jesus, would the two of you shut up for a minute?” screeches Virgil as he walks upstairs. He doesn’t even know that Roman absently thinks that he doesn’t mind looking at Virgil’s ass. He doesn’t mind it at all.

 

**Roman’s POV**

Everything is loud and chaotic on the backstage and within first 10 seconds Roman somehow manages to lose Virgil out of his sight. His heart beats way too fast. Someone pats his chest and he notices small “guest” sticker on his t-shirt. Elliot winks at him and soon enough they are gone too. The sticker is sun-shaped and Roman can’t help but chuckle. For some reason, it perfectly fits into Elliot’s personality.

Cautiously Roman tucks himself into the corner of the room, choosing to stay a little bit hidden. He’s not sure if the sunny sticker gives him an actual right to be here. The mess he sees spreading in front of his eyes reminds him a little bit of the chaos that usually occurs before the stage play. It makes him feel a little bit better. Only a little bit.

His teeth press into the lips as he slowly remembers the things that happened few minutes ago. He shamelessly, only because he felt like it, pulled Virgil into a hug. And Roman could have sworn that he felt Virgil inhale his scent. He would be lying if he said that this didn’t send him to the moon and back. Holding Virgil in his arms felt like nothing he has felt before.

Sure, he hugged Virgil before, hell they even held hands (platonically) but every time this happened, it felt as if Roman was taking advantage of the situation. But today… Even though the gesture surprised Virgil, Roman doubts it caught him off guard. If it makes sense. He blushes thinking of all the flirty comments he has been doing all evening long. Must be the beer. Roman has never had a strong head for alcohol.

And then it hits him like a wrecking ball.

Virgil surely has realized by now that Roman is hopelessly crushing on him.

Is that why he has asked Roman to come see him sing? Is there an after-party? What would his mother say? Does he even smell nicely?

A distant voice announces something with high-pitched voice. Like through a thick fog Roman register the name of the band. _Anxiety Pills_. He can’t help but smile. He has a strange feeling that he knows who came up with the name.

Something grabs Roman’s hand. The hold is cold and familiar.

Virgil is staring at Roman. A mixture of happiness and nervousness in his eyes. Oddly coqueting mixture if you ask Roman.

An _oh god_ he leans forward. And his lips, covered with dark lipstick, are an inch away from Roman’s ear. He shivers and prays that Virgil didn’t catch on that. He probably just leans closer to make sure that Roman can hear him well.

“Have fun, I guess.” whispers Virgil, lips brushing against Roman’s ear. It will leave a mark. Maybe not permanently on the body but for sure permanent enough in Roman’s memory. His heart is like a volcano of happiness.

“Will do.” says Roman but he’s not sure if the words he’s said were loud enough for Virgil to hear. Because, for example, all Roman can hear is his heartbeat.

And just like that, Virgil is gone. Roman watches as his slender body disappears behind the corner. Stumbling slightly, he carefully follows Virgil’s steps. With every step the clatter of the crowd grows louder. His heart jumps at the noise. Virgil is loved by so many. How could he choose Roman?

Roman shakes his head. No, he’s not gonna think about that right now. He stands in the safe distance. Just like Elliot has promised, the best he can see are the backs of the men but he’s not complaining.

Virgil’s laugh breaks the noise hanging in the air. It’s nothing like his usual voice. It’s much more confident and powerful but Roman likes it anyway. Though... if someone asked him he prefers Virgil’s normal voice. Not the scared one and not this one either. He knows the sound of Virgil’s true voice. It’s soft but strong. Honey-sweet but spicy. It’s everything that one could hear entering the gates of heaven.

When Virgil starts singing Roman loses a step even though he’s not standing on the stairs.

He lets out a nervous sigh. This evening has been a lot so far but he’s not sure if he’s ready for what is to come next.

\---

Their performance ends faster than Roman wish it would. While it lasted he could not only swim in an emotional goo as he listened to Virgil’s beautiful voice but also had opportunity to shamelessly follow his crush with love-sick eyes. And now Virgil grins at him widely as he walks off the stage. And Roman's not sure if his heart can take this but he still grins back, locking their gazes together. He finds it amazing that for once Virgil’s eyes don’t run away. He could stare at them for hours and wouldn’t get bored.

“So? How did you like it?” asks Virgil, dragging Roman away. There’s a shadow of shyness in his voice.

“Umm…” utters Roman eloquently, caught by the question off-guard for some reason. How could he possibly don’t find it amazing? It takes him way too long to form an answer.

“I mean… I know that it’s not really your music genre but-” Virgil’s voice tremble a little bit and anxiety appears in his eyes. That shall not stand.

“I absolutely adored it, Virgil.” Roman beams finally. “You have amazing voice and the songs… I loved every single one of them!” The words spill like grains of sand. “And the lyrics- don’t even get me started about them! Who’s your song-writer?” he asks curiously.

Virgil laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. His skin is covered with tiny drops of sweat mixed with glitter which make Virgil shine even brighter.

“Actually… I wrote the lyrics to most of these songs…” He trails off as if he wasn’t sure of his own response. His face flushes under the white foundation and Roman wonder why is it so.

“For real?” He says instead. “Oh my god! That’s fantastic! You have a talent!”

“Years of practice…” mutters Virgil uncertainly.

Roman laughs honestly. It’s surprisingly easy to talk to Virgil today, even though his heart still quickens when they eyes meet. He folds his arms on the chest. Bare skin brushing against the sticker under his heart.

“Well, then you are passionate enough to keep writing these! That’s admirable too!” shots Roman with a bright smile and he knows that his eyes shine as he says so.

Virgil shakes his head lightly but doesn’t bother to hide the smile on his lips.

“You can turn everything into a compliment, don’t you Romeo?” he jokes lightly, still blushing. This nickname rings a bell in Roman’s head and he wonders if he hasn’t heard it in one of the songs. He brushes it off for now.

“Well, of course.” Roman arches his eyebrow and leans a little bit. His heartbeat echoes in his red ears. “But tell you what, I compliment only people that I like.”

“Oh.” whispers Virgil, eyes wide in surprise. “I-”

“Hey!” Elliot’s arm hooks around Virgil’s shoulder. “You guys staying? There are one or two more bands to perform! And I’ve lost Remy already!”

Roman tilts his head, glancing at Virgil and then curses at himself mentally. After all Virgil didn’t come here with him so why would he come back home with Roman. But then again, Elliot asked them as if they were here together so…

“I don’t know about Roman but I think I will be heading home…” hums Virgil softly and though his words don’t suggest that, Roman has a feeling that Virgil wants to go home together. A flame of affection explodes down Roman’s stomach and he thinks that he may faint any minute soon.

“Then we will go together, I suppose.” offers Roman, trying to hide his excitement.

“I will go in search of Remy then. I want to take him home before he does something stupid.” Elliot smiles knowingly at them and nods.

“You can’t stop something that has been happening since the day he was born!” shouts Virgil after Elliot and they laugh loudly.

“Don’t make me repeat what he told me to tell you!” They smile mischievously and Virgil cheeks grow red. On the tip of his tongue Roman has a question what Remy wanted Elliot to tell Virgil but he swallows the curiosity. Some things are meant to stay among friends.

Virgil gestures rudely at his friend and turns away on the heels of his heavy boots. Hopelessly, Roman waves a goodbye to Elliot and quickly follows after Virgil.

They don’t really talk much while Virgil gathers his stuff. Turns out that most of the makeup supplies are his but then Roman’s isn’t very surprised with that.

“Usually I’m in charge of make-up, Elliot is responsible for clothes and Remy… well, he usually brings all the instruments here. Maybe he doesn’t look like it but he can be very responsible if he wants too.” Virgil rambles mindlessly. It’s weird to hear him say that much out of himself but Roman definitely doesn’t complain, registering every, single information in his memory. “Actually when you think of it, most of my stuff are at their place. I mean Elliot’s. Because Remy drops the stuff at Elliot’s house for some reason. None of us actually knows where Remy lives. I doubt he knows it himself and…” Virgil freezes for a moment. “Ugh, sorry. About this senseless chatter, I didn’t realize...” His voice grows tired and shy, almost timid.

“By why! I don’t mind it at all! I like listening you talk about what makes you passionate. It’s…” Roman bits his lips. “It’s nice to see you so alive.”

Virgil says nothing in reply, instead he speeds us with cleaning his stuff. Roman watches him in silence, not sure if he has crossed a boundary by saying that. Finally few, last palettes are being placed in the bag and Virgil straightens his back.

“I need to change.” he explains, looking expecitvely at Roman who needs a moment to understand the silent request.

Nodding slightly Roman turns around and just to make sure  he won’t fail Virgil’s trust, he closes his eyes. Behind his back he can hear Virgil throwing his jacket on the couch. He lets out a soft growl and Roman assumes that he tries to wiggle out of his skinny pants.

“Do you need some help?” Roman chuckles lightly but the red blush spreads on his cheeks anyway.

“I’m good.” replies Virgil shortly and they fall quiet for next couple of minutes.

Distantly, Roman wonders if Virgil changes his clothes in order to avoid fans or because he prefers his usual outfit. He seemed to be comfortable looking like a emo version of one hundred-dollar bill but who knows what is going inside Virgil’s head. At any given moment.

“Okay, I’m done. You can turn around now.” mutters Virgil.

Roman opens his eyes and watches Virgil folding his top and putting it into the bag. And maybe Roman’s heart melts a little bit at this exact same moment. That’s the Virgil he’s more used to. Skinny jeans and way too large, black hoodie. Only the make-up on his face is left untouched.

“So we’re ready to go?” Roman asks, tearing his gaze away from crouching man.

“Yep. Let’s go.” agrees Virgil quickly, bag already hanging on his shoulder. The other one is occupied with the guitar.

“Do you want me to help you with something?” offers Roman immediately. Virgil is so thin that he’s afraid if he won’t fall over under the weight of all these things.

“Naw, I’m good. Pretty well-balanced.” Virgil smiles shyly and allows Roman to go out of the room first.

\---

The way back home is filled with comfortable silence. Roman is known for his eagerness to keep the conversation going but with Virgil he doesn’t feel such a pressure. Nor need. The moon peeks behind clouds. It’s past midnight and the streets are almost completely empty. Roman takes a deep breath in, chilly air filling his nostrils. He wishes for nothing more than this night to last forever. Virgil, walking next to him, looks so comfortable that it would be a shame to destroy the moment. Many things have happened but it seems that Virgil doesn’t mind. Or at least he’s not angry.

“It was good day.” says Roman quietly, knowing that soon enough they will arrive home.

“It was.” hums Virgil. There’s a softness in his voice that Roman hasn’t heard before. “I’m glad that Remy found you in the crowd.” he adds after a moment. They both smile, carefully looking at each other.

“Yeah, I’m glad too…” Roman stops for a moment to muster the courage. “You know, I’ve heard you sing before but it was nothing compared to what you did today.”

Virgil shrugs. “I like doing this, I suppose. I like singing and I like being someone who’s not me. My stage persona… it’s someone else, you know.” His words are feather-light and Roman is almost sure that if he wasn’t listening carefully they would fade in the air unnoticed. His heart winces in pain.

“You don’t like yourself much, do you?” Every word is defined with loud pang of his heart.

“I hate myself.” says Virgil and it’s surprising how caring and tender his voice is.

“Maybe you’re just not your type.”

“Maybe I’m no one’s type.” Virgil huffs immediately.

Roman shivers, hearing the certainty in his voice. “Now, you can’t know that for sure…” he tries again.

“You sound like Patton.” snorts Virgil with a bitter smile ghosting in the corners of his lips.

“Patton’s very wise person though.” Roman shakes his head as they enter the staircase. He keeps the door opened for Virgil. “There’s no shame in being like Patton.”

“Oh, I don’t claim that he’s not intelligent. In fact, he’s one of the best and the smartest people I’ve ever met.” admits Virgil and Roman is once again stunned with the honesty he’s experiencing today. “I just suggest that some people aren’t meant to be liked. Even by themselves. And that’s okay. I’ve made peace with that long time ago.”

“But-”

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” snaps Virgil angrily. “You. All of you. You and Elliot too. You are so pressed to talk about so called _important_ shit tonight. But I really don’t want to do this. At least not tonight.” With the corner of his eyes Roman sees frustrated tears in Virgil’s eyes but he lets him continue. “For once, for fucking once, I have a good day. Please- just let me live it for few moments longer? I just… I just want to be completely normal today, okay? Without the scars, without the self-hatred, without madness in my head.”

They stand in front of their door and Roman quickly runs through all possible scenarios. He looks at Virgil, his eyes dark with anger, his wrinkled nose and lips forming a thin line. And he realizes that there’s actually only one scenario. He learnt it by heart, long time ago. This is the right moment. 

Roman puts his hand on Virgil’s shoulder and gently rubs the strap of his bag. He’s not sure if Virgil can feel this gesture.

“You can have as many normal days, as you want, Virgil.” Roman says finally. “You deserve all of them too. I’m sorry if I offended you. No, wait. I’m sorry _that_ I offended you. I didn’t mean to. I really want all the best for you, Virgie.” The nickname is marshmallow-sweet on his tongue. Virgil’s eyes soften a little bit. “I guess, what I really wanted to say is that… I had an amazing evening thanks to you and- and-”

“And?”

“And maybe you are not your type but honestly?” Roman swallows the lump in his throat. “You are most definitely my type.” His eyes stare hopefully at Virgil but he has no idea what kind of reaction he hopes for.

It’s quiet enough to hear snoring coming behind the door and the light bulb above them flinches. Virgil is pale, paler than usually and his lips are trembling slightly. It can't mean anything good, realizes Roman and suddenly he feels like crying. Because of his foolishness and his stupid feelings, he didn’t let his love have a normal day. This is how he messed up The Normal Day. He wants to say something anything really. Turn this into a joke maybe. But before he gets his chance to fix his mistake, Virgil's lips part and Roman knows that his doomed. 

“I… I have to think about that a little bit.” Virgil stutters finally. Roman nods respectfully, ignoring the loud scream coming out of his heart. Because honestly, different anwser is too much to demand from Virgil. Virge. Virgie. 

“Of course.” he says quietly, opening the door. “Goodnight, Virgil.”

“G-goodnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tiny voice* this is the chapter that i wanted to finish since the beginning of this fic.  
> The events included in this chapter motivated me to start writing this fic.  
> You could say that this chapter started this story.  
> And hopefully I didn't fuck this up.


	22. Shy-shy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just read this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: mentions of blood

**Virgil’s POV**

 

“The funniest things is that you really want to believe him.” Virgil’s voice is paper-thin as he speaks to his own reflection. It’s middle of a night. Still. He couldn’t go to bed after what Roman told him. In fact, it’s a miracle that Virgil was even capable of going to his own goddamned door by himself. Because he  _ did _ feel like fainting when Roman said  _ that _ . The shadow of Anxiety kept Virgil together in that exact moment. And Virgil has never been more thankful to his stage alter-ego. 

Virgil’s voice is paper-thin while Roman’s voice (back then) was soft and warm like milk with honey. And Virgil wanted nothing more than to melt into it. To believe every syllable that left Roman’s wonderful, pinkish lips. But Virgil’s voice was thinner than paper-thin back then. It took him hours to make even the faintest of sounds.

Purple, tiny fairy lights hang above the frame of the mirror. They hang above Virgil’s head, making him like as though he had a purple halo. And yes, maybe Virgil  _ did _ buy fairy lights, after seeing how lovely Roman’s room looked with them hanging around. Thank you very much, he already knows that he is a trash. And also they are purple so the level of edginess remains high. 

While the lights are purple, Virgil’s lips are gray. Most of the black lipstick has already been eaten or bitten away and only the corners shimmer with the visibly darker stains. 

The darkest thing are still the eyes. The eyeshadow has melted into a dark liquid and spread across the upper part of cheeks. Virgil hasn’t cried tonight. He just kept rubbing his eyes to the point his sweat mixed with the make-up. 

“Virgil doesn’t cry tonight.” He doesn’t even realize that he says it out loud in a weak, almost childish manner. The voice in his head is surprisingly quiet - all that’s left is a child. The mixture of emotions in Virgil’s heart is enough to make his head spin like a carousel. And Virgil’s has never been a big fan of a amusement parks.

The clock shows that it’s almost three in the morning but Virgil barely notices that. Today for the first time in a while he can’t stop looking at himself. It’s like a puzzle that needs to be solved. He tries to find something, anything, that could make him look at least slightly attractive. Something that can be perceived as “beautiful” to a man like Roman Prince. 

No matter how long Virgil looks, he can’t find that something. But it’s almost impossible that… no it has to be something in the way he looks. After all, his personality is even worse than his body.

Scowling quietly Virgil gently runs his fingers through his hair. They slide down his face, touching sharp cheekbones that look so hollow and sad. With a thumb he smears the rest of lipstick. Now dark lines run not only under his skin but also down his neck. 

He hides his face in hands. That’s enough of self-studying for today or maybe forever.

Every since he can remember, Virgil has been afraid of dreaming. Dreams have always meant disappointment to him, so it was only natural to start avoiding them. Now, Virgil simply doesn’t dreams. At least until today because today precious, little dream bloomed at the bottom of his heart, completely ignoring his aching head and tired soul. 

“Wishful thinking.” He frowns. “Everybody dream.” 

_ It must be Roman speaking through him.  _

_ “Everybody dream but does it mean that everyone should dream?” _ asks Voice in his head but this time there’s no venom, no hate or spite. Nothing. It’s as as if the Voice didn’t know either.

They leave this question unanswered. 

Hesitantly, Virgil takes his phone and quickly writes a short message. His finger hangs above the “send”, until finally he taps the button. If there’s one person who won’t judge him, it’s Elliot. He nervously bites his thumb. As expected the reply comes within few seconds.

**Virgil:** something weird happened

**Elli:** spill the tea, grll

 

Virgil raises his hand to his mouth to muffle a giggle. It’s nothing like Virgil’ normal laugh but it’s still something. Elliot must be still with Remy but that’s okay. Someone should take care of that intoxicated big baby.

 

**Virgil:** Just give the phone to Elliot.

**Elli:** :(  -r

**Elli:** Okay, Elliot’s here. Go on.

**Virgil:** So basically you-know-who said something weird

**Elli:** Voldemort?

**Virgil:** yeah, the dark lord himself, dumbass

 

This time Elliot takes a little bit longer to reply and Virgil anxiously starts rocking back and forward. Maybe he shouldn’t bother Elliot tonight? Maybe Elliot’s fed up with Virgil’s bullshit? He’s almost ready to text Eliot to drop it off when the response comes and Virgil almost drops his phone.

 

**Elli:** He told you that he likes you didn’t he?

**Elli:** Remy says that it was obvious.

 

The blood is rushing through Virgil’s blood and his face gains an adorable shade of red. His fingers are numb and head - empty. It’s completely different to think about  _ that _ and to read  _ that _ being said by someone else. Best friend even. But Elliot wouldn’t lie about this. Virgil doesn’t know what to say so he leaves the message unresponded, knowing that Elliot understands his silence better than anyone else.

And Virgil’s right because few minutes later four texts appear on the screen, one after the other.

 

**Elli:** Look, i think i know how you feel. Take some rest. We’ll talk it through tomorrow. 

**Elli:** Just know that both rem and i agree that we think prince dude’s serious.

**Elli:** Also if you need to call us, rem says that his phone died

**Elli:** update: so did he

 

Virgil smiles at the poor attempt of joke and nods as if Elliot could see him. And maybe they can. Elliot’s right anyway - they can give Virgil an advice and honest opinion but nothing more. There are things that Virgil has to ponder about by himself. He puts the phone aside. His eyes are getting wet but he’s almost positive that it’s not because of tears. Must be the blood coming from his cheeks. His cheeks are so hot. So are his eyes.

Only his limbs are cold. Cold like they always are. But now that coldness stings and hurts every inch of Virgil’s skin. The scars burn with pure ice and Virgil unconsciously digs his nails into one arm. Two or three scars open under the pressure and he curses. They were healing so nicely recently. 

Slowly, feeling completely drenched and defeated, Virgil crawls on the bed. Everything feels heavy. His skin is suddenly hot against the cold and soft mattress. Everything smells like blood to him. There are stains that can’t be washed so easily. 

_ “Maybe they will remain there forever.” _ Thinks Virgil absently. He is more tired than he is willing to admit.

Instead of falling into the state of unconsciousness, he allows the memories to flood him fully.. So much happened this night and Virgil isn’t sure what’s a hallucination and what’s real. He’s going to ask Elliot the next time he sees them.

One thing is sure - Virgil really wants to get some answers. 

The other thing is less solid - maybe Virgil wants to start dreaming again.

 

**Roman’s POV**

 

“Sweet pastries, why did I say that?” Roman asks himself when he looks at the creamy page of his notebook that lies in front of him. 

It’s a middle of the night and Roman’s more tired than ever but no matter how many times he tried to fall asleep tonight - he couldn’t. His mind just stays awake mixing the memories with bitter-sweet visions of the future. 

The page in front of him is decorated with words. Words written with red pen. The one with small, glittery pieces. 

_ “You are most definitely my type.” _

Roman calligraphed this sentence, this confession really nicely. In full honesty. These are very pretty words in general. So why is he so hesitant if these were the right thing to say.

What holds him together is the memory of Virgil’s face. He wasn’t offended, nor angry. Just shocked. And shock isn’t necessarily a bad thing, right? Besides Virgil told Roman that he had to “think about this”. It wasn’t a rejection either! It was a promise that gives hope and that in fact made Roman fly straight to his room.

He tries to stop all the visions that appear in his head. Holding Virgil’s slim hand. Caressing his hair. Kissing his cheek and maybe lips, once more? 

To kiss Virgil properly at least once more. 

Roman can feel blush spreading across his cheeks and neck but he doesn’t mind. His mother once told him that blush is a fire of his heart in a physical form. Ever since then he’s not ashamed of blushing. Although, he is pretty sure that Virgil has much more adorable blush. 

And sure, maybe for a moment or two, Roman considered waking up Patton and Logan to tell them the news but at the end he decided not to. This story is still too fragile to share it with anyone. He’s not even sure if he would be able to tell it without spicing it up a little bit. He knows that he has tendency to do that. 

Both Virgil and him need time, it seems. 

Roman shakes his head, trying to clear up his thoughts but there’s no use. Various scenarios flash through his fanciful mind and he doesn’t even want them to disappear. He barks out a laugh that doesn’t feel like his own but it’s still something.

“Fool in love.” He says to himself and rests the chin on folded hands. The scenarios come back like a boomerang.

If Virgil says no, then Roman won’t paster. He will accept the refusal and kindly ask to remain friends. It’s obvious that Virgil really treasures his friends but at the same time - rarely accepts someone new into his circle. Roman couldn’t break out of this small group even if he wanted. Virgil holds him too close, even if he doesn’t know that. 

Not to mention that Roman is in fact, a wonderful friend. An he even has some experience in being friends with someone he’s in love with! The relationship with Dee… It was something else though. Roman shakes his head again. They had too many misunderstandings. They simply didn’t click. It happens. Virgil’s different. Virgil’s on completely new level. And so is Roman’s love.

White fairy lights tingle above Roman’s head and he raises up his gaze. It appears that the lights are almost as bright as Virgil. But he shines in a completely different way to Roman. Virgil is like a black pearl - people think of him as a round, common pebble while in reality he is a precious, rare jewel. It’s so rare that no one can really own it, own him. Roman is just lucky that he can appreciate his beauty from such a close distance. But he would lie if he said, he doesn’t want to keep him hidden from prying eyes.

He looks at the wall that is between Virgil and him. It aches to be so far, yet so close. But both of them need space.

Reluctantly Roman lies down in the bed. It’s pleasantly cold against his flushed skin.

“Still not as cold as Virgil’s hand.” he whispers into the pillow. A small smile creeps on his face. 

Because, oh god, Virgil looked so good tonight. Roman can practically see this beauty right in front of himself. The dashing hair, flushed skin, handsome face, thin hands, delicate fingers and the small dimple in Virgil’s left cheek. But Roman actually thinks that none of those actually compares to the tiny, glimmering stars that lightened up Virgil’s eyes this evening. So beautiful - he thinks. Paired with the tender smile that suddenly exploded into a full grin? It’s a miracle that Roman didn’t faint back then.

And these view preoccupies him so much that he doesn’t even realize when he falls asleep. Because, to Roman, his memories and his dreams are actually the same thing.

 

**Patton’s POV**

 

Patton is used to Virgil sneaking around the house but in no way he is used to Virgil humming in the kitchen and making himself a cup of coffee. In fact, mornings have always been Patton’s space if one could say so about a period of time. And seeing Virgil so… normal and because of that so abnormal is a bit surprising to Patton.

Actually, it shocks Patton to the point when he literally freezes in the spot, at least until Virgil turns around and finally notices him. And! Oh look! He doesn’t run away! Instead he waves shyly and points at the coffee maker.

Slowly, as if there was a frightened hare, not an actual human, in the kitchen Patton nods and sits down. He fights off the urge to immediately hug Virgil and feed him with a lot of cookies and maybe some waffles too. Instead Patton decides to focus on his phone. It’s dead but that’s not a problem. Because there’s no way he’s going to invalidate Virgil’s space just when the other has started opening on the world. Or at least so it seems.

After a minute or two Logan appears in the room and Patton mentally snickers at the view. He’s quite sleepy and there are awful eye-bags under his eyes. Patton almost giggles when Logan’s mouth opens widely upon spotting Virgil. On the contrary to Patton, Logan actually decides to speak up.

“Hello, Virgil. Good to see you up so early.” he says and slips on the seat next to Patton.

Virgil’s muscles tense a little bit but only for a moment. He doesn’t turn around to greet Logan. He, however, starts making another cup of coffee. With the other hand he adds two teaspoons of sugar into Patton’s mug. 

How is it possible that Virgil knows just exactly how much sugar Patton adds to his coffee, remains a mystery. 

Finally he puts the coffee in front of Logan and Patton and with a quiet sigh sits in front of them. He wears a long-sleeved hoodie as always but he doesn’t seem as small as always. Unable to sustain an eye-contact with Patton, Virgil hides behind his mug of coffee. Patton doesn’t mind in the slightest.

“Would you like to eat something?” says Patton out loud, purposely not including the name. This way the questions feels much lighter.

“It will be very nice of you, if you hand some yoghurts.” replies Logan. He chooses to use the plural form on purpose.

The food (because of course Patton couldn’t just  _ not-offer _ leftover waffles) lands on the table but before anyone takes anything, one more person walks into the room.

Virgil’s eyes open widely and so does Roman’s. Patton watches them stare at each other while putting jam on his toast. Logan opens his book. Virgil mumbles something about one more coffee and gets up. He hides in his own shadow again when he turns on the coffee maker. Two mugs. One of them has few drops of caramel sirup on the bottom. In the meanwhile Roman starts munching his carrot. Roman hates carrots. Patton has no idea who put the carrot on the table. 

“How did you sleep?” asks Roman and his voice is a little bit hoarse. There are no names. Just a simple question.

“Well, I slept quite well, kiddo!” beams Patton immediately, “I didn’t even wake up when you came back home. Or when Virgil came back home!”

“When did you two come back, anyways?” asks Logan absently and suddenly the kitchen falls silent. Roman gulps.

“Um, actually… Virgil and I-” 

“We came back around the same time!” says Virgil quickly. A little bit of coffee splashes on his sleeve as he abruptly turns around. He puts one of the mugs in front of Roman. The one with caramel sirup. He  doesn’t sit down.

“Was the last night fun, Roman?” smiles Patton, his teeth are covered with pinkish jam. Virgil starts coughing violently and Roman’s skin flashes with red blush, his gaze draws back to Virgil with a spark in his eye.

“Um…” hums Roma awkwardly before he clears the throat. His eyes linger a little bit longer on coughing Virgil but just when the latter opens his eyes, Roman faces Patton again. “Yes, it was fun. It was one of the best nights of my life actually.” he smiles shyly and it’s clear that he’s trying hard not to glance at Virgil once more.

Patton’s lips quirk up because suddenly all pieces start sticking together and he feels that he can already see the full picture. Virgil still refuses to look at Roman but his cheeks are tinted red and his eyes seem a little bit foggy and that’s all that Patton needs to know.

“I’m glad, kiddo.” he says instead and takes a big bite of his toast. He knows that if Roman wanted to talk about it more, he would tell. And if he stays silent, and didn’t storm into Patton’s room in the middle of the night, it means that he still needs time to process some things. Probably Virgil too if Patton’s hunch is correct. It usually is correct.

They eat in silence for a little while. Except of Virgil who drinks his third coffee this morning. His fingers shake a little bit but Patton doubts if it’s a side effect of caffeine. 

Logan sighs and leans back on his chair, drawing everyone’s attention. 

“Truly exquisite coffee, Virgil. Patton always makes it a little bit too sweet for my taste. No offence.” he says and takes another sip.

“None taken, Lo!” beams Patton, “Well then, maybe Virgil would be so kind and make a coffee for us from time to time…?” he adds carefully, not sure if he’s not stepping over an invisible boundary. 

Virgil shifts on his spot, his feet draws small circles on the floor. 

“It’s nothing special.” he utters finally, “Years of practice, I guess…”

“But, no you are fantastic!” comments loudly Roman all of sudden. The blush on his face deepens. “And you remembered how much I love caramel too…” 

It’s clear that hearing Roman compliment him, catches Virgil off-guard and he flinches a little bit. Seconds later very soft and tender smile appears on his face.

“I just thought that it’s unholy of you to destroy the taste of coffee with this sweet thing.” declares Virgil confidently. His gaze, slightly hidden behind the bangs, meets Roman but before he can get ashamed of what he has just said, Logan and Patton start laughing. It’s not a mocking laugh but the heart-warming one. The air around them fills with small happy bubbles. Patton absently notices how the tension escapes out of Virgil through a sigh of relief. More invisible bubbles.

“Hey! The coffee! It’s bitter!” Roman grunts, folding arms on his chest. No one believes that he’s really angry.

“Like my soul.” responds Virgil almost immediately which makes Logan laugh even louder. 

Roman and Virgil look at each other smiling shyly before they fully join the party and burst into laughter. Soon, all four of them have to wipe the tears that gathered in their eyes. And of course, whenever one of them calms down, as soon as he looks at someone else, he starts laughing again. 

Now, Virgil’s coffee stands cold on the table.

In Patton’s opinion the kitchen has never been a warmer place and the innocent glances exchanged between Roman and Virgil has never been more longing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been //heckin// long but I'm here!  
> And I do hope that I surprised you a little bit with Patton's POV. It's a little bit different than Roman's and Virgil's but he's completely different person so it was only fair to make his POV different.  
> See you in the comments (hopefully)


	23. Different types of laugh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When will Virgil finally give Roman an answer, huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: panic attack, mentions of drugs, alcohol, shitty partenhood

**Virgil’s POV**

 

“Christmas is coming and honestly I don’t have patience for any of its shits.” mumbles Virgil, face hidden in the pillow.

Apparently the winter’s going to be even colder than last year and Virgil has never been a big fan of winter. His parents left on a winter morning. It was Tuesday. The bittersweet feeling sadly stayed instead of them. Not that Virgil cares. Not anymore at least.

“Oh just shut up, Virgil. Some of us are in a very merry mood.” hums Elliot cheerfully, spanned across the floor. Another Christmas song starts playing from their phone and Virgil has to clench his teeth hard not to growl. He’s almost sure that despite his hatred forwards Christmas thanks to Elliot, he knows all the songs by heart. “You’re just sad because Roman is leaving soon and you still hasn’t talked to him about-”

“I am not sad!” Virgil snaps, immediately raising his head up upon hearing the one-and-only name. “Besides he comes back right after the Christmas!”

“Oh, good. So you can still claim your mistletone kiss!” Elliot snickers in response and Virgil starts wondering how long would it take for someone to find Elliot’s body in his closet. Finally he decides to throw a pillow at them instead. The look on their face is worth it.

“You’re a terrible friend.” Virgil adds finally, his eyes cold and sharp like daggers.

“Well, good thing that I’m not the only friend you have now, right?” Elliot smiles softly and turns off the music coming from their phone. There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness in their eyes and Virgil has known Elliot for too long not to notice these little drops. He gets up from his bed and sits on the floor next to them, reaching out to ruffle their hair.

Elliot closes their eyes. For the brief moment Virgil realizes how fragile his own hand looks in comparison to Elliot’s round and puffy cheeks. His fingers ghost through their dark hair, like white spiders. Thin spiders they are. Smile tugs in the corners of Virgil’s lips. He feels proud for the split of a second before the nausea hits again.

 _“What an awful friend you are indeed, Virge… Suggesting that Elliot’s fatter than you? A little bit rude, don’t you think?”_ nags Voice in Virgil’s head. Just this mere thought makes him feel sick. _“As if you were as thin as a needle, Virge… At least Elliot still looks great. Meanwhile you…”_

It takes a lot of strength to swallow the lump that created in Virgil’s throat. The Voice fades in his head slowly leaving only a shadow of mean, quite laugh. Virgil thinks that he hates himself to the bones.

“Hey, Elli…”

“Huh?”

“Do you have any New Year’s Eve plans?”

Elliot opens their eyes with surprise. It’s never been a secret that Virgil avoided New Year’s Eve at all cost. Usually he spends that time alone, locked in the place that is some sort of safe-space for him (usually Elliot’s attic) and sits there until it is the 1st of January. Elliot for a moment searches for a shadow of irony on Virgil’s face. Seeing nothing they slowly create a response. With Virgil, it’s like creating a brand, new mosaic. Elliot has always been good at puzzles anyway. A perfect one response has to be precise - not too pushy, not too whatever-likey.

“Not really. No plans, nope.” They say, watching Virgil with the corner of their eyes. Virgil doesn’t match the expression. His eyes look blank and thoughtful. A little bit lost and scared too. “I don’t have That Trash Bag to carry around with me so I will most likely stay at home with Rem if he’s available.”  

“I was thinking…” Virgil bites his lips. He has had this one thought for a while now but only saying it out loud would make it an actual plan. Till now it was just an idea, the one that could land in the trash any minute. But when he says it… he’s not going to be the only one who holds the secret. Virgil shakes his head; he is determined this time. He has a plan. A good one even. Or maybe not a good one but decent maybe?

“Yeah?” encourages Elliot, upon spotting a new spark in Virgil’s dark, deep eyes. They’ve seen this spark only few times in their life but they love it more than anything else. It’s a sign of being alive. Of Virgil being alive.

“So, like… Maybe… I was just thinking you know…” stutters Virgil but Elliot gives him time. Great things always need time. “Maybe we could go to my house… The old one… I’m sure Henry wouldn’t mind a day or two off…” He says, scratching the back of his head.

“Umm…”

One small ‘um’ is enough for Virgil. The idea has not been accepted.

_“Of fucking course it wasn’t, you idiot? What the hell was that?”_

“I mean! It was just an idea! Ahah! You know! Don’t- don’t take it seriously!” laughs Virgil awkwardly, his heart hammering against his chest. The pace of hummingbird’s wings is suddenly nothing compared to the pace of Virgil’s heart. And maybe with its help, he could fly away too. Far away where no one else finds him.

“Just forget it, Elli!” Virgil hears his own voice, his hand pats Elliot’s knee. But it’s not him. Virgil feels as if he was watching a movie. A bad one. The one that causes second-hand embarrassment.

“Virgil, V-Virgil.” says Elliot, trying to stay calm. Their hand is warm over Virgil’s hand. They grab his chin and force him to look into their eyes that glimmer with love and care. “I think it’s a wonderful idea. And I’d be honored to be your guest, do you hear me?”

Faintly Virgil nods and Elliot lets go of his chin.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize that…” starts Virgil but Elliot only smiles. “The… you know… the endless circle and so on…”

“Everything’s fine. You just got really stressed and I was surprised that’s all. Sometimes silence isn’t a bad thing. You know that, right?” Elliot asks seriously and both of them know that they’re not only talking about the current situation. “Sometimes you need silence to think and that’s okay too, Virgil.”

A broken smile appears on Virgil’s face and he thinks how lucky he is to have a friend like Elliot. No matter what future brings, he will never leave Elliot behind. That’s as clear as a tear.

Both of them know that Virgil had his reasons to move out of his familial house. It was full of bad memories. The anxiety used to shake its grounds and crawl in the corridors. So yes, Virgil admitting openly that he wants to spend there some time was for sure a step forward. And yes, Elliot knows that it’s partly due to Roman’s presence in Virgil life. They doesn’t say it out loud. It could be too much for Virgil - they think.

Virgil plays with the hem of his sweatshirt. For once, he finally feels warm. He has been suspecting for a while that because of his… unordinary diet, his blood circulation is not as good as it used to be. Especially when it comes to his limbs - bloody ice cold, they are. He can’t bring himself to go to the doctor though. He would be asked to strip of his clothes and that’s not something he can do. In front of a stranger and in front of a friend - it was out of the question. He prefers being cold all the time over starting some messed up therapy. He would throw up the meds anyway.

“Elliot.” It’s rare that Virgil uses Elliot’s full name. They raise their head with curiosity in their eyes. The tone of Virgil’s voice… they like it. It matches the spark in Virgil’s eyes and brings back the memory of Virgil from _Before_. “Elliot. I would like to invite the guys. On the New Year’s Eve.” he says confidently but it lasts only a second before his shoulders hunch down again and he looks back at his feet in the fuzzy, purple socks.

“By ‘guys’ you mean…?”

“You know exactly who I mean.” Virgil can feel the blush on his cheeks and the smile in the corners of his lips. He can’t help these little reactions. He mentions ‘guys’ but his mind focuses solely on one person. He knows it and Elliot knows it too. Virgil would rather not mention that, Elliot disagrees.

“Hmm… Let me see…” Elliot pretends to ponder. They know that with Virgil’s current mood, they can allow themselves to joke about that. “I assume that you want Rem to come over… Maybe Logan and Patton too…”

“Yes, yes!” the groan that cuts Elliot in the middle of their sentence is low and tired. “And Roman too! Now! Happy?” snaps Virgil angrily. His eyes glare at Elliot, the spark slowly growing into a firework and Elliot absently wonders if this spark is going to last until the New Year’s Eve and if Roman’s going to be the one who will see it explode on the night’s sky.

They look at each other for a moment before both of them burst into laughter. It’s loud and obnoxious but also so honest and pure. There’s no alcohol, no drugs, no tears to spill left. Just two friends snorting and laughing louder than they should. The room lights up with their voices, with the music much more cheerful that christmasy songs that Elliot listens to all year long.

 _“The higher you fly, the more painful the skyfall is…”_ whispers Voice but Virgil pretends that he doesn’t hear it.

 

**Roman’s POV**

 

The jealousy is eating Roman alive when he hears the laughs coming through the wall. _The_ wall. What is so special about Elliot that they can make Virgil laugh that loud, huh? Roman is almost sure that he could do or say the same thing and the effect would be even better. If he was only given a chance! If he was only given a chance…

It’s good to see (well… hear) Virgil like that. Roman greedly collects all the memories of Virgil’s beautiful smiling face and carefully puts them into the safe in his head. Those are his memories. No one else sees Virgil like that. People are too blind to see how perfect he is. And Roman selfishly takes advantage of that.

Finally the laughter dies and he can’t hear Virgil anymore. Ah, he wishes he could. He just wants to talk about some stupid things, watch the world through the window and touch Virgil’s cheek. Is that too much to ask for?

But see, Roman still hasn’t gotten his answer so he waits. He’s a patient man, when it comes to Virgil. And he hopes that it’s worth it. No matter the answer, Roman hopes it’s worth all the wait.

He tries to find out why Virgil takes to long to give Roman the answer. Either a “let’s try” or “get lost”. He doesn’t want to rush but… it’s pouring scenarios in Roman’s head.

One of the most common visions is that Virgil is in fact, deeply in love with someone. Maybe Elliot (even though both of them denied)? Maybe Logan (they play chess together!!)? Maybe Patton (because if not then why did Virgil eat that pancake?)? That is unless….

Roman’s forehead lands on his desk. And bangs onto it repeatedly.

“Roman, you imbecile. You absolute, absolute oaf!” he whines to himself. The sound of Virgil’s laugh is still ringing in his ears.

As expected seconds later terrified Patto runs into the room. Roman doesn’t know if Patton has a special radar or maybe simply very sensitive ears but he’s always there, whenever Roman bangs his head against his desk. Which he does a lot when he’s frustrated. That's the whole secret behind Roman’s fashionable messy lock of hair in the middle of his forehead.

Patton quickly wraps his arms around Roman’s shoulders, locking his friend in a warm embrace. He gently tugs Roman closer to himself.

“Okay kiddo, I think that was enough for today.” Patton coos into Roman’s ear. “We don’t want you to get hurt, do we?”

“We don’t.” sobs out Roman and though he’s not crying actual tears, it feels as though his heart was tearing apart. To think that he could do such a selfish thing… He gets up from his seat and, with Patton still attached to his back like a koala bear, he lays down on the bed.

“Ah, Pat. I did such a terrible thing!” Roman cries into the pillow, completely overwhelmed with his own thoughts and dreadful visions.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad, Ro.” whispers Patton and starts caressing Roman’s thick, slightly curly hair. “You couldn’t do anything that bad.”

This is whole Patton indeed - thinks Roman - he doesn’t eve know what’s up and he still shows just the amount of support Roman needs.

“But I did, Pat!” continues Roman as if he didn’t hear what Patton has just said. “Listen to me, padre and cry over the wretched one.”

“I’m all ears, kiddo.” calms down Patton.

There’s a beat of silence before Roman finally declares, his voice shaking and knuckles white:

“Virgil may as well be aromantic and if he is, I’ve put him in a very uncomfortable situation! It's no wonder he refuses to talk to me alone!”

Words jump across the room for a few seconds before softly settling down on the bed next to Roman. He looks like a disaster. His eyes are puffy and lips are trembling with terror. Roman himself is almost sure that this situation will be the cause of his death. Virgil, pure and innocent, was too shy to tell him about his romantic orientation and Roman, being the fool that he is, misunderstood the situation. He’s not even sure if he wants to hear Patton’s response. Patton’s who himself is aro! Patton who has still no idea about Roman’s confession!

Roman worryingly glances at his friend and how shocked he is to see a gigantic grin decorating the round, freckled face. Stunned he keeps staring. His neck starts hurting because of the weird position but Roman couldn’t care less.

“So you did, didn’t you Ro?” Patton asks in a hushed voice, as if they were gossiping about Nate’s terrible taste in friends.

“Um? Could you be more specific about…?” Roman stops in the middle of question because Patton’s eyes are literally glowing and this is a little bit unsettling in this situation. Patton shouldn’t be happy right now, right?

“Oh you know…” Patton waves a hand, “You’ve confessed to Virgil. You for real did it.” he adds almost soundlessly.

Being aware of some facts is one thing but hearing them being said out loud is completely different thing - thinks Roman and suddenly he feels all sorts of hot. Next second he’s sitting with his legs curled up and squeezed to his chest with a red pillow over his mouth. Patton laughs softly and ruffles Roman’s hair.

“I suspected that, kiddo. No need to hide.” Patton’s voice is soothing like a honey and Roman involuntarily relaxes a little bit under the touch.

“You… You did?” Roman’s eyes open slightly. The caramel colour of his irises warms up. Every part of his body warms up.

“Well, I do know you well and… To be very honest, Virgil hasn’t been very subtle either.” hums Patton, purposely looking through the window. It seems the the winter’s going to be cold.

“Virgil?” echoes Roman and it’s hard to pretend that he doesn’t sound hopeful.

“Yes. And let me tell you one thing, Ro” states Patton. His eyes, hidden behind the glasses, fix at Roman’s golden orbs. “I think that Virgil isn’t like me. I’m almost positive that he is very into romantic feelings.” he smirks at the end, leaving one thing unsaid. After all who is he to assume Virgil’s romantic affections.

“You think so?” Roman asks, subconsciously leaning forward. His throat is dry as a dessert but somehow it doesn’t bother him at all.

Now all that matters is one of his best friends, looking smug as he never has. Roman pushes the hope down his heart. No, he shouldn’t… It’s not his nor Patton’s decision to make. Besides, Patton doesn’t even know Virgil that well. He could easily make a mistake and Roman wouldn’t blame him. After all, his emo prince is very hard to read. Which makes him even more fascinating.

“Yep.” says Patton nonetheless and his ‘p’ bounces from the bed and flies out of the room to spread the good news.

Instantly Roman’s whole face lights up and he’s laughing. The sound matching the one that he has just heard through the wall. It’s beautiful laugh. Laugh of a hopeful person in love and  and Patton can’t help but smile at this picture.

And Roman laughs until there’s a knock to the door. From door, not the door leading to his very own room. Which means that it’s not Virgil. A little bit disappointed but still filled with that fluffy feeling in his chest, Roman walks out of the room.

And suddenly the whole world seems to spin again, when Virgil’s door open and he peaks behind door curiously. His dark, thoughtful eyes skim over Roman’s body for half of a heartbeat.

“I will get this.” says Roman, trying hard to make it sound casual. Because it is a casual situation but now Roman can’t help but wonder if Virgil would open the door, even a little bit if he was be mad at Roman. He wouldn't, right? He would avoid Roman at all cost! And yet here he is! His wonderful dyed hair fal so beautiful on his eyes. Roman fights off the urge to brush it off his face. No, Roman is no one do do such thing. He is however a dreamer and he knows that this night he’s going to spend on imagining how would it be to play with Virgil’s hair.

Someone knocks once again, this time louder and in more aggressive way and Roman frowns, taken back on earth from the land of his dreams. Who could be in such a hurry? It’s surely not Logan - the nerd has his own keys. And it’s not likely that this person is any of Roman’s friends. After all, he knows how each of them knocks the door.

Roman turns around, only to see Patton few steps behind him and both Virgil and Elliot standing in the door of emo’s room. All of them shake their heads. None of them knows who’s on the other side of the door. Roman sighs and takes few steps forward. For some reason the atmosphere in the air is… strange.

Finally, Roman turn the doorknob and opens the door, with a domestic ‘click’. Someone on the other side mutters an annoyed “fucking finally” and Roman shivers. Maybe he shouldn’t open the damned door after all?

In front of him stands a male - or at least Roman qualifies this person as a ‘male’. His hair is long and tied into a loose braid. From the top of his head, to the toes, he is wearing all-black clothes. But the most interesting thing is this man’s face - it remains Roman of someone but he can’t point who. It wears a signs of gentleness and kindness but both of these traits has been replaced with something darker, more sinnister.

Eyes, which are a little bit too red, to be called peaceful, glance at Roman mischievously before looking at something behind his back. Someone loudly draws air into the lungs. The blow of the wind, that breaks into the house through the door, brings the scent of cigarettes and sad memories.

Now, Roman knows that he shouldn’t have opened the damned door.

“Well that is for sure a hell of surprise.” snorts the stranger. “I was looking for one and got the other two as a bonus.” he smirks. Roman doesn’t like this smirk. It’s not sarcastic smirk. It’s a cruel and merciless one. “Basing on the description I was given… you must Roman, right?”  the male flashes a smile. It’s not genuine. “Very nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard about you from… everyone in this room to be very fucking honest!” His laugh is short and suffocating. Roman’s throat clenches even though he’s not the one who’s laughing. And when the stranger finally stops and the sound dies, he reaches out his slightly shaking hand. “I’m Mitchell. Patton’s brother, Virgil’s friend and Elliot’s ex-boyfriend. It’s truly a pleasure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wassup! Two chapters in one month? It's less likely than you think AND YET HERE WE ARE.
> 
> So the rest of the fic is almost completely planned. I will try to finish at 30 chapter. Also, funny enough. I will most likely post the xmasy chapter around xmas which is funny because I didn't really plan this.
> 
> Also I wrote this chapter within one day so it's probably not really great but I've been waiting to intruduce Mitchell like that, since FOREVER.
> 
> So happy reveal, I guess? XD


	24. Triggers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes trigger back-fires.
> 
> //this chapter is long and hevay with triggers, pls be careful//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: drugs, panic attack, mentions of abusive relationship, mentions of heart attack, implied self-harm, blood

**Roman’s POV**

 

Shock is the first thing that hits Roman.

Then the name starts spinning in his head in slow-motion, like a small gold coin. It’s either worthless or important, depending on the point of view.

_...Mitchell..._

It sounds oddly familiar but before Roman successfully makes a connection between the name’s owner and Virgil, he hears one of the most spiteful noises he has ever heard in his life. And only the fact that he has dedicated the last few months of said life to studying Virgil’s sweet voice, makes it easier for Roman to recognise him.

“There’s no fucking way-” drawls Virgil angrily.

Mitchell’s smile transforms from lazy to mischievous. Roman still doesn’t like it at all. And he has many questions. He should have many question but - in a blink of a second - a pale, cold hand lands on his chest and gently pushes Roman aside with shocking strength. Under other circumstances, Roman would be head over heels from having Virgil’s hand on his body, on the level of his heart may I add, but now he is just too confused, maybe also a little bit too scared, to proceed this fact properly.

Air grows thicker with every step that Virgil takes. The walls slowly stain with sinnister mirages of the atmosphere. Strangely enough, no one reacts, they barely breathe, suffocating in suspension. It almost like Virgil and Mitchell were perhaps the only people in the room. Maybe in the world. The last survivors that plan on finishing each other off.

Roman has always praised himself for being able to find his own place in every situation. But not now. Now he fails at doing so. Now he wants nothing more than to disappear but his curiosity, that burns in the shade of fear, makes him freeze in the spot. With the corner of his eye, Roman glances at Elliot and Patton, people mostly affected with this situation. They seem blank. Oddly and terribly blank. Elliot takes a tiny, and easy to miss, step in Patton’s direction. There’s no way Roman leaves the room right now.

Virgil stands chest to chest with Mitchell and Roman notices that their noses are almost bumping into each other. Only that there’s nothing romantic in this. It’s almost dangerous. They glare at each other like two wild cats, that are in the mood for a fight. No one utters a word, afraid of breaking the bubble.

“Aw, Anxiety.” hums Mitchell, but there’s no warmth, nor kindness in his voice. Only evil sarcasm and hatred. His fingers drum against the doorframe. Roman shivers. The wood’s about to break. “Would you let me inside? It’s rude to leave the guest standing in the door, you know?”

“You will walk into this house over my dead body.” sneers Virgil angrily. The temperature in the room drops drastically.

Mitchell’s bloody eyes travel down Virgil’s body and he chortles. Roman feels like puking.

“Well, that won’t be long then?” Mitchell grinns finally and winks at Virgil.

Every muscle in Roman’s body tenses. He has a feeling that Mitchell knows exactly what he refers to. Thin legs, narrow hips hidden under obviously oversized hoodie, slim wrists, fingers like needles and hollow cheeks… Yes, Roman sees exactly what Mitchell refers to. It’s disgusting thought. That Mitchell knows. It fills Roman with anger. Weirdly, Virgil doesn’t seem bothered at all. In fact, he straightens up his back and folds arms on the chest. And he doesn’t look fragile nor hurt at all.

And he responds with silence. It’s good but it also hurts because Virgil doesn’t deny Mitchell’s words. “ _It won’t be long”_. Sentence echoes in the air. Every heartbeat lets out a new wave of pain rolling through Roman’s body.

 _“He didn’t deny that...”_ he thinks, _“I should help him.”_ follows second later but Roman doesn't move. The situation paralyses him completely.

Finally, after what seems like eternity, Mitchell starts laughing. At first he’s just giggling but it soon grows into loud, barking laugh that is almost painful to listen. The pupils of his eyes are enlarged. He looks like a madman.

The laugh, mocking and somehow devastating is like a wake-up call for Roman, Elliot and Patton, snapping them out of the trap that they got themselves into.

Roman’s hands form into fists. The blood rushing up through his veins.

Patton frowns. His thick glasses reflect the light.

Elliot snorts. They snort loudly and cut all the laugh that was coming out of Mitchell’s throat.

“Stop the act, Mitchell.” they say with a shrug, “None of us is impressed by your druggy ass.”

Virgil takes a step back and his hand faintly brushes against Roman’s fist. Roman can’t tell if it’s an accident or not, because what matters is the small smile in the corner of Virgil’s lips. And it’s clear as a tear that it’s Elliot, again not Roman, who brought this piece of happiness, pride maybe, into Virgil’s life. Roman’s fingers relax. Fists are no longer suitable for this situation.

Mitchell flinches, almost as if he forgot that Elliot’s still here. His blood-shot eyes fix at Elliot who takes two, hesitant steps forward. Both of them look furious but in two completely different ways. Elliot is angry in a proud way. Their anger seems almost privileged. Dark eyes flicker with refined sparks. It’s a beautiful type of anger. A rightful one.

Their ex from the other hand, looks rageful and ugly. Mitchell’s features twitch with the urge to rip out someone’s throat. Maybe Elliot’s, maybe Virgil’s. Roman has to turn away his eyes. Mitchell’s anger is desperate, it’s a rage of a person who’s losing and have to chance to win, ever again.

“This is funny…” says Mitchell trying to sound calm. He fails, “That you’ve plainly assumed that I have any business with you, little whore. I’m here to talk to my sweet, sweeter, the sweetest brother.” he adds while still glaring at Elliot. Somehow Roman doubts Mitchell’s honesty.

Patton’s eyes open wider, while Roman, Elliot and Virgil in union turn their heads in his direction. His puffy, freckled cheeks are covered with a deep blush. Hesitantly, Patton waves at Virgil and Elliot, that it’s fine.

“Let Mitch in, kiddos.” Patton declares with a perfectly flat voice. “It must be important if you came here, right?” Patton smiles at Mitchell who walks into the room proudly. Roman wants to kick his ass and he’s pretty sure that Elliot and Virgil would gladly join him. He knows as a matter of fact that he’s going to wash the floor tonight.

“Yes, I do.” nods Mitchell happily and flops on the couch in the corner. He starts playing with one of Patton’s colorful pillows, perfectly comfortable despite the angry glares. “I wanted to talk about Christmas actually. And the presents.” he adds casually and Roman almost breaks into a laugh. It sounds so ridiculous coming from Mitchell’s lips.

“Oh, that’s true!” agrees Patton and Roman finally realizes what’s odd in this scene. Usually Patton is a bubbling volcano of jokes and smiles. Now, he is simply calm. And that’s truly unsettling. “I still have no idea what should we get for mum, Mitch.” Patton cries emotionlessly and sits in Logan’s armchair. Everyone knows that Logan wouldn’t mind that in the slightest. At least not when it comes to Patton.

Roman leans a little bit to his side and for a moment he is afraid that he would be pushed away. But nothing of this sort happens.

“I guess we should leave them alone, Virgil.” he quietly whispers into Virgil’s ear.

One last time, Virgil looks at Mitchell and Patton and then nods. His hand wraps around Elliot’s arm and, leaving Roman behind, they march off down the small corridor. With every step they seem to disappear more and more from this world and Roman quickly follows, not wanting to lose them.

When Virgil opens the door to his room, Patton in the living room starts speaking in a very hushed voice. For a moment all three people freeze, trying to catch a word or two. But there’s no use. They are too far. Too far from understanding maybe too.

Elliot slips into Virgil’s room and Roman is surprised to see that the owner still keeps the door open. Slowly, he nods at Roman and then points at the door.

Roman can’t let down the offer. He never would.

The floor doesn’t crack under his feet. But it could.

The door doesn’t shut before he walks in. But it could.

Roman doesn’t grab his hand and kisses Virgil hard. But in some distant alternative world - he would.

Roman blushes at his shameless and unexpected thought and quickly walks into the room. And it looks like a completely different place compared to Virgil’s room from Roman’s memory. Frankly speaking, it’s a model example of a place after a tornado. There’s even a body, spanned on the bed - Elliot’s face is hidden in the pillow and Roman ponders for a moment if it’s before they calm down by breathing in Virgil’s scent. Because that’s what Roman would do if he could.

There are clothes everywhere, most of the books are on the floor. Almost all drawers are opened, except of one - the one next to the bed. Roman feels like an intruder in this room. He knows that he shouldn’t have seen this. This view wasn’t meant for him. The door close quietly. There’s no way he can run away now. He wouldn’t try anyway. He is a selfish man.

Even in his own room, Virgil moves like he was a ghost. Careful steps, shallow breath, slow but frantic gestures. Roman wonders if it’s because of this particular situation or is it because he’s always like that in the presence of others. Knowing the emo for a few months, Roman’s still not sure. With obvious fondness in his eyes, his gaze traces after Virgil, who sits on the bed next to Elliot.

“Why he must always appear so... unexpectedly?” mumbles Elliot into the pillow, when Virgil lightly rubs their shoulders.

“I don’t know…” he hums in reply, “But you did really well, Elli.”

“It was fucking terrible though.” they comment, “And draining too…”

Roman awkwardly rubs his own shoulder. Once again, he has no idea what to do, what do say, where to look. Virgil looks up at him, eyes shining behind long fringe, and smiles sadly but reassuringly. The shirt on Roman’s shoulders and atmosphere don’t feel that heavy anymore. Involuntary Roman relaxes and takes a step forward. Under his foot rustles a small piece of paper. Elliot instantly raises their head and their eyes lock with Roman’s. If they are shocked, they don’t show it at all. Almost as if Roman’s presence was something logical. It’s not. Not to Roman at least.

“Sorry about that, Roman.” apologizes Virgil suddenly, eyes fixed at his knees. “I didn’t want you to get involved with him.”

“It’s not your fault!” Elliot scolds their friend softly. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s h- Mitchell. It’s Mitchell.” they say with a dose of hesitation as if even the name could summon the supposed devil.

“Hey, it’s alright.” Roman waves his hand because it’s the only thing he can do. “He came to Patton anyway.” He adds and encouraged by his own boldness takes a small step closer. Just a tiny one. He doesn’t want to abuse the space too much.

“Right…” agrees Virgil thoughtfully, biting his thumb. His nails are covered with black nail polish. “Did you know that he has a brother?”

“He mentioned something but I assumed that his brother is as bad as Mitchell himself. Sorry about that.” Elliot sighs and sits with their legs crossed. “When I saw Patton, I thought that he reminds me of someone but I suppose that the difference is so striking that I didn’t even think of it.”

“Very true.” Virgil nods again and Roman follows the gesture, not sure what to do. “But what is that fucking bastard looking for him? What fucking Christmas? What the fuck?” he asks out loud.

A light bulb lights up in Roman’s head and for a moment he feels as though he won a lottery.

“That I can explain!” he purrs proudly. “I think, I can at least…”

Virgil tilts his head and Elliot raises their eyebrow. Apparently it’s their own way of encouraging to continue, which is more than enough for Roman. Especially since it’s Virgil who’s looking. Especially since it can clear out the situation for Elliot. Roman’s not heartless after all. Just because he was a little bit jealous of the friendship Elliot has with Virgil, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel sorry for them.

“Don’t say anything that you’re not comfortable with.” Virgil says quietly while his dark eyes spark with curiosity and worry.

Roman bites his lips. It’s not a good story to tell but considered the circumstances…

“Nah, it’s okay. It’s not a secret anyway.” Roman starts and glances at the closed door,  “So just to be clear - Patton has never hidden the fact that he has a brother. It’s just that there’s not much to talk about, that’s what he told me once. He’s not close with his brother. Patton… Patton keeps in contact with Mitchell only because of his mother. Because of their mother.” Roman cracks his knuckles. He only does that when he’s really nervous and somehow Virgil understands it. Tentatively he reaches out, captures Roman’s wrist with his hand and delicately drags him down forward to sit down.

In the last split of the second Roman, instead of the bed, chooses to sit on the floor. He has no meaning in walking between Elliot and Virgil. In any kind of way. Even though they’re only friends. Also, it just doesn’t feel right to be this close to Virgil considering that Roman basically confessed few days ago and still got no answer.

“What about his mother?” asks Virgil hoarsely.

“Oh, I know a little bit about her.” sighs Elliot quietly, their eyes a tad hazy. “She is important. That I know for sure.”

“Do you want to…?” Roman asks.

“No, you finish it, Roman.” Elliot shakes the head and rests their cheek on the shoulder.

“So basically, Patton’s mother, Mitchell’s mother… she had a heart attack few years ago. And it was… well, it led to many, many health complications and let’s just say that she didn’t recover fully.” Roman confesses, looking anywhere but people in front of him. He has met Patton’s mother once. Lovely woman who doesn’t deserve her fate. After a couple of seconds he decides to carry on with the story: “Patton told us, Logan and I, that for his mother’s sake Mitchell and him agreed to pretend to go along. No avoiding Christmas and birthdays and so on. Because they don’t want to cause her any more pain.” There’s a beat of silence, “And that’s mostly it. So I guess whatever Mitchell’s doing here it has to do with the mother.”

Virgil nods thoughtfully, letting the story sink in. The sun behind the window probably disappears behind the horizon and the evening slowly embraces the world. Goosebumps break on Roman’s skin.

“Did you know that, Elli?” Virgil asks breaking the silence.

Elliot shakes their head firmly. “Yes and no. I knew only some part. You know that Mitchell’s not the one to talk. The part about his mother illness… Yes, he told me that once, during one of his depressive episodes. But he never mentioned the deal with his brother.” They raise their head and fix their gaze at the ceiling, sighing heavily. “Or maybe, I’ve just never paid much attention to him talking.”

“Don’t blame yourself, Elli.”

“Exactly.” confirms Roman, joining the conversation once again. “Yes, this is very sad situation but it doesn’t change anything, Elliot. From what I managed to understand… Mitchell isn’t the best person on the world-” Virgil snorts in agreement. “And if he has hurt you, learning these details about him, or frankly recalling some of them, shouldn’t put pressure on you. You don’t have to apologize, Elliot.”

“Everyone has been through some shit but it shouldn’t make us act like shit.” Virgil sums up and gets up from the bed.

In the exact same moment there’s a knock to Virgil’s door and soon Patton’s head is peaking into the room. He’s smiling but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Sorry to interrupt but Mitchy has just left and I’d like…” he says with an embarrassed blush spread across his cheeks, “I wanted to talk with Elliot for a moment. Do you mind if I steal them for a moment?” he asks with a playful wink to ease the atmosphere.

Elliot looks at Virgil and Virgil looks at Elliot. The conversation they share, this wordless conversation, will forever stay between them. It’s a secret locked in the box without a key and Roman understands. He doesn’t want to take over the box, he wants to create a whole new casket with treasure and hand all the keys to Virgil. And yet his heart stings a bit when finally the nod at each other.

“Yeah, yeah. That’s cool. Patton.” hums Elliot and gets up from the bed. They anxiously pull the sleeves on the inky shirt. “But if we’re to talk about this… I’d rather to do that alone.” They declare. Virgil gently pats their back and pushes them a little bit closer to the door.

Patton beams at them. “But of course! Let me make you a cup of hot choco and we will talk a bit, alrighty?”

“I’ve literally never heard anyone saying ‘alrighty’ in a real world…” mutters Elliot in faked awe and Virgil laughs shortly.

“Well, then be prepared for some good, old dose of dad jokes!” Patton grins widely and lets Elliot out of the room. Virgil and Roman are being left alone and none of them can tell if it’s been intentional or not.

Just a mere few seconds ago this room was perfectly capable of being spacious enough to fit in 4 people, now it seems to be too small for just the two of them. Roman coughs awkwardly.

“I should probably go.” he says looking at his feet and penguin-patterned socks.

“You don’t have to.” replies Virgil immediately and visibly cringes at his own response. Roman quickly looks away.. He doesn’t want to make this situation even more awkward. He doesn’t want Virgil to see the hope in his eyes. He doesn’t want Virgil to know that Roman wants nothing more than to get an answer. Finally one simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. But he promised himself to be patient. And that’s not the right time. Oh, why Roman despite his promises is so impatient?

The floor cracks softly under Virgil’s feet. Sounds being the only thing that makes Roman realize that Virgil has gotten up and is moving closer and closer to him.

Roman’s golden eyes are still fixed at the floor. Now, he can see two pairs of socks - his own with penguins and Virgil’s ones which are plain black because that’s just how edgy one can get. Roman promises himself that if Virgil ever says ‘yes’, Roman will buy him socks with small purple stormclouds. He thinks they would look adorable on him.

“Roman… Could you please look at me? It’s hard to talk to you when you’re avoiding my gaze all the time…” the whisper reminds Roman of a wind playing in the autumn leaves. When he looks at Virgil's face, into Virgil’s eyes, he realises that the autumn has already passed away. It’s summer, because there’s no way sun would shine so brightly in any other season.

 

**Virgil’s POV**

 

Virgil tries to shake off the anxiety that makes his heart tremble. He really tries. He even succeedes for few seconds. He thought he was ready but it was just a bliss of his moment. The voices in his head are like a tornado, whispering all the bads and goes-wrongs that he could have ever imagined. But Roman looks so beautiful, so shy, so perfect. And Virgil greedily steals the time to just stare at Roman. Shamelessly. Like an animal. Virgil can’t help himself.

“Roman… Could you please look at me? It’s hard to talk to you when you’re avoiding my gaze all the time…” it doesn’t sound good. It sounds needy and disgusting.

 _“Disgusting.”_ echoes Virgil’s head. And he knows that but he’s not playing nice today and he decides to steal one more millisecond before Roman reacts.

And then Roman catches his gaze and it’s like thousands of little rays of the sun have pierced through Virgil’s body all at once.

_So kind, so beautiful._

Virgil looks away. The whole courage leaves his body, like an air that run through a hole in a balloon. Being in the balloon is suffocating. It’s a torture. Being in Virgil’s body is suffocating. It’s a torture.

Weirdly enough Roman doesn't’ say anything but Virgil can feel his eyes, designed by all the gods that have ever existed, on his own body. It shouldn't be this way but the thief is being robbed himself. But there’s nothing to steal in this department, only that Roman hardly knows about it.

 _“You should say it here and now, Virge. You’re toying with the poor man.”_ whistles Voice into Virgil’s ears. Guilt pricks his heart.

God knows that Virgil wants to make it up for Roman. Apologize, explain, be honest, tell that this is a bad choice, tell that he still can’t believe Roman. But when he parts his lips, no words come out. His chest is too small. It doesn’t have enough space to hold words, it doesn’t even have enough space to store an air.

Is it dark because it’s evening or is it just Virgil?

Subconsciously Virgil digs into fingers into the soft, inner part of his hand. He has a craving for blood. His very own blood. Virgil’s a vampire for himself. He’s dead and craves for blood. Blood that could run slowly down his arms and wrists. The world could grow more and more hazy until it would be completely black and Virgil would disappear completely. Very tempting.

Then, there’s a warm hand on Virgil’s arm and it shakes him ever so gently. Virgil knows this firm hold way too well. He shouldn’t have, he doesn’t deserve to know it. Oh god he should be worried for Elliot and Patton and yet here he is, his head resting against Roman’s shoulder. He smells just as relaxing as always.

Did it happen or is it his mind playing tricks with him?

With terror Virgil realizes that one hand is colored with blood in the soft, inner part. It’s not his hand. This hand has been kissed by the sun and tugged to sleep by roses. And now it’s dirty with Virgil’s blood.

“Oh my god…” Virgil chokes out, raising Roman’s hand. The blood is smeared unevenly. It doesn't look nice. Nor aesthetic. Some stains are still fresh, in the shade of strawberries, while the other are in the colour of bronze garnet. Overall it looks like a bite from a beast.

_“Because that’s what you are.”_

“Roman, I’m so sorry…” the words are running out of his mouth quickly. Not like blood coming out of the cuts.

He can’t see Roman’s beautiful eyes anymore but he can feel his fingers on the chin and hear the heavy sigh. _Wow, it must be tiring to deal with me._

“Virgil, it’s nothing. But I want you to listen to me. Can you do it?” oh, how soft this voice is, worried but sweet and warm.

_“He’s probably worried that he will get some nasty infection.”_

That’s not what Roman asks for but Virgil opens his eyes. He’s not crying which is not surprising because he has cried out everything he could long, long time ago. _How beautiful these golden eyes are_. The shivers stopped too and it almost feels bad because he, most likely, should suffer. At least the shivers were painful for his muscles.

“ _But that makes you a drama queen.The whole pain-thing, give you a reason to play the victim.”_ fair point.

“Virgil, I beg you.” starts Roman carefully. He must think that Virgil’s broken. Well, he’s not. He has always been a fuck-up, that’s all. And yet Roman’s hand is still on Virgil’s shoulder. It burns but Virgil’s fine with that. He’s going to burn in hell anyway. The fire may as well start eating him alive here and now.

Roman looks for a clue or permission to continue so Virgil nods. He wants to yell that Roman’s only wasting oxygen on him but he can’t find words.

“Please, do it for me and take your time.” Roman explains patiently. Like to a child. “No matter what you think that _I_ think, don’t rush your decisions. Any decisions, do you hear me Virgil? Sometimes reality isn’t how you perceive it, okay? Sometimes there’s so much more than that.” there’s a hint of desperation in his voice. _He wants Virgil to agree so it could be all over._ So Virgil nods. He still can't find words.

“Good.” sighs Roman. His hand slips from Virgil’s shoulder, tracing the line of his arm under the hoodie. When the physical contact is gone, Virgil looks around himself, trying to find his place. He almost yelps with terror.

It’s all happening in his head and he knows that but it is terrifying.

Walls slowly glaze with dark liquid. It drips from the ceiling and flows out of Virgil’s opened ribcage. Virgil has realized that only now. The imaginary knife goes down his stomach slicing Virgil in a half and everything what’s ugly in him is floating outside, twirling around Virgil’s arms and moving towards Roman.

_“Disgusting.”_

The knife feels real. The danger seems just a few steps away. _He won’t let this thing attack Roman._

The chest’s open, so there’s a lot of air. And Virgil can form some words. It’s all happening in his head and he knows that but Roman’s still here while he shouldn’t be any close to Virgil. Person normal like Roman shouldn’t come any close to the freak like Virgil.

The spark has triggered the machine the second Virgil saw Mitchell.

“I think I need to take a walk.” it’s hardly Virgil’s voice. It reminds him more of the whispers in his head. Roman won’t notice the difference. After all this is Virgil’s rational side speaking right now. Virgil calls it ‘Voice’. He used to call it ‘Visitor’. Someone once called it ‘Depression’. It’s the best Virgil has to offer for now.

But it seems like it’s enough for Roman. He smiles. Genuinely. Warmly. In the way that makes Virgil heart change colour ever so slightly from black to purple. It was about to fall out off his chest but the tiny threats that Roman spilled, have captured it and sewed back into Virgil’s body. The threats are red. Like Roman. Like Love. And Like Blood. So now, just like that, Virgil heart is black with stains of purple and lines in the colour of ruby.

“Just don’t wander around for too long. It's getting late.” says Roman and it’s there again. That softness, that warmth. A kiss in the forehead would be perfect right now.

“Yeah, sure.” snorts Virgil trying to sound confident. Judging from the effect he does it well. He has just managed to fool an actor.

Roman leaves the room first, followed by Virgil who feels so safe hidden behind his back an board shoulder. Few golden streaks of hair curl above the collar of Roman’s shirt. They look very cute and very soft.

Once again, Roman reminds Virgil not to wander for too long. Virgil agrees again and smiles at the light coming from Patton’s room. He must be still talking with Elliot. That’s good. Elliot needs this talk. Virgil turns around on his heel. He misses the longing look Roman gives him.

He also has no idea how he manages to walk out of the house without breaking his neck. To be fully honest, Virgil’s mind is completely empty. Just a mere sight of Mitchell has broken something in him. Swooped out of his head every piece of logical thinking Virgil had in the store. The only thing left are long scars made by anger and clumsy plasters that were put on them by the look in Roman’s eyes.

White corridor leading to the elevator seems to be much longer than it usually is. It looks like the halls of one of the hospitals Virgil has visited. Once he visited hospital because of his grandma, later - when he had some… health problems. He hates hospitals, almost as much as he hates winter.

Finally the elevator’s door open in front of him and he stumbles inside. People rush outside of the box. Good. Virgil doesn’t really want to be judged. He doesn’t feel like being _that emo asshole_ again.

His head is so empty that it almost hurts. He needs to get out of this building.

The sky is dark with the hollow stars when Virgil finally walks into the fresh air. _So it’s night already, huh?_ He has completely lost the track of time. Apparently it’s December too, he recalls all of sudden. Weird because he’d bet it was spring last week. But then, Elliot wouldn’t blast Christmasy music if it wasn’t December so it makes sense.

If someone would ask Virgil where is he going, he wouldn’t be able to answer. His head is blank after all. The anger has washed everything away.

But his legs know exactly where to go, which alley to look for. His eyes scan the surrounding searching for the familiar silhouette. His heart knew from the beginning how this is going to end.

The train of thoughts and rage comes back when Virgil finally spots him. Sitting on the bench in the middle of a playground. How cliche but then Mitchell never was the one for originality or creativity. Maybe that’s why Virgil has never had a thing for him. Or maybe it’s just because he hates him.

“Ay, Anxiety. I was starting to worry that you’re too dumb to come.” sneers Mitchell. Shadows twist his face into a hideous mask. But maybe that’s just his features, bloody eyes and ugly personality.

Virgil only shrugs but his blood is at this point boiling. That mocking, crooked smile does that to him. If he had enough of strength he would beat the shit out of Mitchell. But he’s too weak. Both of them know that.

“You should stay away when you were told so.” Virgil greets Mitchell with a threat but that’s nothing new. It’s almost kind of a warm welcoming.

“Hey, hey.” Mitchell raises his hands in defence. “I came to my brother.”

“What? You didn’t know?” snaps Virgil, his legs are shaking a little bit but he pays no attention to that. This is an even fight. One versus one. “You didn’t know that I live under one roof with Patton? I can hardly believe that.”

In response Mitchell only smiles and gets up from the bench.

“Of course.” groans Virgil. “Of fucking course, you knew. You fuck-up. I bet that you were creepy stalker and waited for days, until you were sure when Elliot would drop by.”

Wind and realization are cold on Virgil’s exposed neck. They kisses him everywhere it can, leaving a chilly bites. Virgil has brought this on Elliot. He also brought Mitchell on Roman. If he didn’t go to college none of this would happen.

The cut on the inner side of his arm starts to burn. But it’s almost refreshing to feel something other than hot rage.

“Maybe.” hums Mitchell, “Not like you can prove anything. Not like it’s your biggest problem either.” he clicks his fingers and points at the sky knowingly.

Virgil frowns and Mitchell giggles seeing his reaction. He doesn’t bother to explain right away because he knows that the anticipation is going to eat Virgil piece by piece. And Virgil doesn’t ask him to hurry up. That would be as if he admitted his loss.

Dark shadows creep in the corners of Virgil’s eyes and he knows that it’s not the footsteps of the night. It’s his own eyes, trying to protect him from Mitchell. It’s his anxiety kicking in and trying to force him to go. But Virgil doesn’t move a finger. He didn’t come here to save his life, he came here ready to fight till his death.

“I’m not dumb, Virgil, and you know that. No one will ever catch me, there’s not a chance. I have connections.” Mitchell jumps at the slide with a loud noise that makes the other man flinch. The metal creaks under Mitchell’s boots. “You however-” he looks over his shoulder at Virgil, “I think something will get you soon.”

“Oh, yes?” snorts Virgil, trying to hide the shaking of his voice. He waits for a sign from the world that there’s still some light in the tunnel in this situation because for now - he feels hopeless.

“Yeah.” smiles Mitchell sweetly and slides down laughing when the slide creaks even louder. He keeps laughing like a maniac.

“And what is going to catch me? The walking sickness you are?” Virgil plays on time but he can already feel the lump in his throat. He is afraid of the answer Mitchell is about to give. Both of them know that.

Mitchell sighs as if he was tired with the whole conversation. But Virgil can see him through. He’s enjoying that.

“Tell you what, Virgil. I’m a merciful man and I won’t say it out loud because you are clearly fragile little thing.” he purrs quietly, eyes shining in the darkness. Shining with a fever, shining with a disease. “And since, I think, we won’t see each other again, I will also give you an advice.”

“Stay away from Elliot?” guesses Virgil weakly.

“Pfff, please. You’re hardly a problem. Not for long at least.” Mitchell waves his hand. It looks like pirate flag. Dangerous and wild. A warning to hide wives, children and sanity. “But I saw the way you look at Roman. Like he’s a fucking hero of your story. Boy, I also saw the way he looks at you. You brushed his hand, didn’t you? Yeah, I saw that too. Well, he looked like he was about to throw up back then.”

“You are a liar.” whispers Virgil. He doesn’t believe his own words at all. He doubted that Roman fancied him anyway. After all there’s nothing to see in Virgil.

“Sure, I am.” agrees Mitchell. ”But why would I lie about this? I have no intention in doing that. It’s just a logical assumption. He toys with you, Virgil. Just like I was toying with Elliot. As simple as that.”

“He’s different!” hisses Virgil.

“Oh for real?” whooshes Mitchell, pretending to be shocked. “Tell me Virgil? Is he charming like I used to be? Is he kind and polite? Maybe he even hugged you when you didn’t feel well? Because been there, done that. Oh dear, I can see from the look on your face that I’ve hit the point, right? Roman is-”

“Say his name one more time and I swear-”

“We both know that this is an empty thread. I can barely hear you.” sings softly Mitchell and kicks the sand. The grey grains of sand for a moment stay floating in the air before crumbling in front of Mitchell. It looks out of order because no one should fall under his command. And yet Mitchell continues unbothered: “You didn’t even realize that you pulled yourself into another panic attack, am I right Virgil? Yes, I am.”

Indeed, it slipped Virgil’s attention that he is, in fact, barely breathing. He coughs at the air in his throat. It leaves a bitter taste on his tongue, a burnt mark on his gullet and a dry feeling in his lungs. The playground isn’t quiet anymore. All the demons from Virgil’s hiding in the ribcage has escaped when they saw an opportunity. They are yelling at each other. Mocking Virgil and whispering compliments into Mitchell’s ears. They are invisible but it doesn’t mean that they are not here.

 _“Oh god. I’ve gone mad.”_ the thought is clear and sound for Virgil. It’s the only thought that he, can be sure, is his own.

“I don’t wanna see you anymore.” says Virgil out loud but it comes out as a pathetic whimper. The demons calm down. They are watching Virgil like he was their prey.

“‘Course you don’t!” beams Mitchell at him.

One of the dark stars slowly rediscovers its light and Virgil knows that they are running out of time. As soon as the light reaches out for Mitchell, he will be gone. He is not used to living away from the shadows, after all. The sand whispers under his feet as Virgil moves closer. His face expression as intimidating as it can. The air still stings his lungs, piercing it as though they were a piece of paper to shot down. As a winning prize you can get a rubber duck or something like that. Virgil is cliche and he’d love to get a rubber duck from someone.

“Then why won’t you go?” he asks when he’s close enough to smell the scent of cigarettes and rotten wood.

Mitchel wiggles his eyebrows and casualty hugs Virgil. His hands slip around his narrow waist, brushing against the bones that stick out more than they should but not visibly enough.

“Then why won’t you perish?” Mitchell replies with a question and in a blink of an eye, like a freaking vampire on a speed, he disappears from the playground just when the moon peaks behind the clouds.

Ironically it’s full moon and Virgil huffs out with annoyance. He is so done with the game that fate keeps playing with him. He just wanted to get a stupid rubber duck on a stupid date with a stupidly pretty boy. And he has none. That’s all he has ever wanted.

The cry is short, quiet and goes by unnoticed even by Virgil.

He puts hands in the pockets of his hoodie and turns back home.

His fingers carefully trace the goodbye gift he got from Mitchell.

One, two, three, four... five.

Small, round, very delicate and feather-light.

But they feel heavy like a bullets.

And frankly, that’s what they are.

Sort of .Because they for sure serve very similar purpose. 

Virgil starts humming in the middle of his way back home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may be one of my favourite chapters ever. I'm not sure if I did as well on writing that as I planned but I did my best.  
> This month my goal is to post two more chapters but we will see how it goes...  
> By the by I've created an AND playlist. Let me know if you want to check it out and I may link it under the next update ;)


	25. Endings and beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boys get to live thier Christmas.
> 
> READ THE WARNINGS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attention please!!!  
> GUYS THIS IS NOT A PRETTY CHAPTER.  
> I put two marking lines before explicite scenes. I beg you - consider skipping if you are a sensitive person.
> 
> Trigger warnings: SUICIDAL ATTEMPT, suicide, depression talk, panic attack, drugs, mentions of vomit, mentions of toxic relationship

**Roman’s POV**

 

The gingerbread’s delicious scent tickles Roman’s nose as he’s resting lazily on the couch in his family’s living room. The decorated Christmas tree throws a gentle, pastel-like colours on the floor. Roman’s family has always been ambitious when it came to Christmas decorations so, every year, whole room is covered with green and red ornaments. But Roman doesn’t mind that in the slightest. His younger sister, who because of her sharp tongue Roman calls Mercy, mindlessly switches the channels on tv, desperately trying to find something non-christmas themed. 

“I swear to all holy shit, Ro.” she sighs heavily, “I like Christmas but for god’s sake, I wanna watch something other than another lets-kiss-under-mistletoe movie.”

“Oh, come on.” chuckles Roman lightly, “They’re cute.”

“Mistletoe, more like bitchletoe…” pouts Mercy, pretending that she didn’t hear Roman at all.

Roman laughs. Even though the age difference between him and his sister isn’t big, he has always thought of her as his ‘little sister’ and it seems that it’s not to change any time soon. Mercy sticks out her tongue and he smiles softly. He has really missed her over the past few months.

“Don’t think that I didn’t notice, by the way.” says Mercy after all a while with her eyes fixed on the phone. Roman knows her too well to miss the mischievous spark in her dark eyes, flickering from the screen back at him. “You’re as open as a book, big bro.” she adds.

“I’m afraid, I don’t understand you quite well, young lady.” Roman arches his eyebrow and takes a sip of his hot chocolate. Mercy snarls at ‘young lady’. “You have to be more precise.” 

“You’ve always been a sap, Ro but it’s pretty easy to notice that when you get sappier.” Mercy declares knowingly. “I’m your sister and for that I know that when you get even sappier than usual, it means that you actually  _ like-like _ someone.” 

Something twirls in Roman’s stomach, Virgil’s face flashes through his mind, and he slightly ungracefully spits the chocolate back into his mug. He curses quietly, glaring daggers at Mercy who doesn’t even bother to hide her snickering.

“Roman, did I just hear you swearing in front of your little sister?!” asks their mother from the kitchen. “Watch yourself, my son.” she warns, her head peeking behind the corner.

There’s a clear resemblance between Renna Prince and Roman himself. Both of them have hair in the same shade of warm, chestnuts and both have the eyes freckled with golden sparks. Their personalities are also similar, after all it’s her who pushed Roman in the arms of theatre and art. It doesn’t mean that Renna put any of her children above the other.

She frowns seeing one of her offsprings blushing fiercely, while the other one holds the stomach and laughs. 

“What’s so funny, Mercy?” asks Renna, looking between her daughter and son.

Roman glares at his sister meaningfully and Mercy starts laughing even louder.

“It’s Roman, mum.” she breathes out finally, trying hard not to hiccup. “He’s being… just himself.” Mercy grins at the end and Roman mentally sighs with relief. Maybe he is a little bit annoyed every time Mercy is so… merciless when it comes to his love-life, but he is willing to endure the embarrassment as long as she won’t spill anything in front of their mother.

“Roman?” Renna quirks up her eyebrow, waiting for more explanation. It’s not hard to miss the way her son avoids her gaze. 

“Nothing, really…” he utters quietly. He’s never been good at lying. Especially to his mother. 

“Oh really?”

“Yeah.” nods Roman quickly. “I spitted out my hot chocolate, that’s all.” he says finally, after all that’s what happened. No need to mention why he spitted it out. “You need help in the kitchen, mum?” 

Renna only shakes her head, still glancing between her kids suspiciously. After mumbling something about her own children keeping secrets from her, she leaves the room. Her steps are light and almost dance-like. The talent for dancing is something Mercy inherited from her, which Roman was always a little bit envious of. Their mother always told him that they would make a killer duo on the stage. “Too bad, you’re both too stubborn to work together” added their father once and laughed. Roman loves that his family is  _ always _ so full of support. He wouldn’t trade it for anything else. Well, maybe expect of Virgil and his laugh that reminds of the sound of crystal bell.

And except of the grin, Mercy flashes at Roman at this exact moment. That grin he would actually give away for free.

“You owe me for this one.” she states and puts down her phone and Roman knows that he’s doomed.

“It was a decent thing to do.” he tries to argue.

“Good thing that I’m not decent human then.” hums Mercy, visibly proud of herself. “You can either tell me something about him right now or I will ask Logan when I see him.” she adds winking at Roman.

“Using my friends against me? You’re insufferable.” he groans in response and sets the hot chocolate aside.

“Thanks. I’m also glad that as the smart sibling, I get to be friends with Logan.” she chirpes cheerfully. “Now spill the beans, for god’s sake.”

“But what about mum?” Roman asks in a hushed voice, glancing at the doors.

“Don’t worry honey! I’m listening too!” sing-songs his mother loudly and Mercy laughs again at Roman’s stunned face expression.

“Both of you- I swear to God!” whines Roman but even though he tries he can’t hide the dreamy smile that appears in the corner of his lips.

He sighs and fixes his gaze on the Christmas tree in the corner of the room. One of the baubles is in the perfect shade of deep purple and his thought immediately wonder to the certain boy that he left back at the dormitory. Roman’s eyes slowly cloud with cotton-candy-like fog. Sweet and sticky, sensation oddly similar to how he feels around Virgil. His shy, adorable smile and bold, coated with black and purple eyelids. Softly, Roman lets himself fall into the memory of the last evening they spent together few days ago. 

_ Apparently Patton and Elliot had a very meaningful conversation, judging from the way the spoke to each other. It was like they had something fragile in common. Roman couldn’t possibly imagine what was it like to have a brother that was a devil incarnate who used to date your (wonderful!) roommate’s best friend. He pulled Patton into a quick hug, as soon as Elliot and him left the room. Sometimes even Roman couldn’t find right words, but he hoped that Patton would understand that. _

_ The three of them, without speaking a word, settled in the kitchen. _

_ “I’m sorry that I caused a scene, Roman.” said Elliot, glaring at their nails.  _

_ “Yes, Ro. We understand that it must have been really awkward for you.” nodded Patton, “You’re really… If I knew Mitch was to come, I would suggest you to go outside, or… or something…” he mumbled, slightly ashamed. _

_ “Don’t be ridiculous Patton! And you too, Elliot!” Roman shook his head firmly. “Now that I know the problem, I can understand you better, Patton.” he added, gently caressing the sleeve of Patton’s buttoned shirt. _

_ Elliot shifted uncomfortably on their chair and looked around. _

_ “So where’s Virgil? He’s in his room?” they frowned suddenly. _

_ “What? No.” replied Roman, “He left to take a walk some time ago. He should be coming back soon enough. But don’t worry you can wait here, Elliot.” _

_ The strangest thing had happened and Elliot’s already pale face grew even paler. They looked as though they had just seen the ghost. Their fingers tightly gripped the table’s edge and for a moment Roman was afraid that they would fall of their chair. Worryingly he got up from his chair, moving closer to Elliot. _

_ “Is everything okay, kiddo?” asked Patton, who clearly also noticed the sudden change of the mood. Elliot bit thier lip - the only fragment of their face that remained in the colour of pastel pink. _

_ “No… I mean, yes.” they said finally after a second or two of hesitation. “I just… Something… Uh, some strange deja vu. Don’t worry.” they finally waved their hand, dark rings flashing metallic reflections across the ceiling.  _

_ Not fully convinced Roman nodded. He would mention Elliot’s strange behaviour to Virgil later. That is if they would talk later. Roman rubbed the back of his neck, letting the curls fall gently through his fingers.  _

_ The three of them chatted for a while, until Logan came back home and they all had to explain the situation to him. Patton admitted that it was only right, to share the whole story with the fourth, remaining housemate. As the story went Logan’s face was growing more and more concerned. His eyes were fixed at Patton’s face as if he was looking for a sign of pain or suffering there. At the end, the two of them shared and awkward (Logan) but warm (Patton) hug and Roman had to resist the urge to join them. _

_ Virgil came back from the walk soon after that. And there was something unusual in his posture. He looked refreshed and with a spark in his eyes that Roman couldn’t define quite well. Was it determination? Or was it hope? He couldn’t tell but didn’t pry. It was Virgil’s and Elliot’s business after all. He made a mental note to remind Virgil that he could always come to him if he needed help.  _

_ Elliot wrinkled their nose back then, upon seeing Virgil’s face. The mixture of emotions that confused Roman himself, seemed to be less difficult to read for Elliot. But Roman didn’t ask. He would solve this riddle either by himself or with Virgil’s help. Privately. _

_ What was really bizzare was that Virgil asked Elliot to go home.  _

_ “I need some time alone, Elli.” he explained before ushering his friend outside.  _

_ Before the door closed behind them completely, Elliot threw one look at Roman. Their eyes, despite natural dark softness, were cold and demanding.  _

_ Roman had no idea what that meant. _

 

**Virgil’s POV**

 

Virgil can’t help but ask himself what really went wrong in his life? If only he could point a moment when everything started screwing up, when there was no turning back from where he was… Maybe it would be easier to get back on the right track if he knew?

_ “How about the moment you were born?” _ whispers Doubt in his heart.

That’s the first thought Virgil has when he wakes up this morning. 

It’s Christmas morning and he was invited to come back home today. No one awaits for him there. Not really at least. If he’s lucky, his parents will skype-call him in the evening. But he hasn’t been lucky for past few years so he doesn’t give himself much hope.

Very low, very sad laugh raises up in his throat, to finally erupt like a bubbling, foamy and dirty wave that erupts from a water vulcano.

The only thing that fills the space in the apartment is his laugh. Today Virgil is alone. He has always has been in some ways. And he won’t change it any time soon. So yes, Virgil wordlessly declined the invitation for Christmas dinner. He will have a very-screwy Christmas himself. Thank you very much.

After all, he heavily doubts that he will make it till the evening. Even if his parents calls, he will not answer. Because the plan is simple and easy - he wants to be dead by the evening. The strike of luck that he’s counting on is that he will be found before the New Year’s Eve. It would be a boomer to start a new year as a decomposing body in the middle of the room.

“Dead by the evening, huh?” hums Virgil softly.

There’s a power in these words that makes him feel weak but at peace. It’s been years since the first time he had dreamt of bidding his last goodbye with this world. Turns out, that all he needed was a push. A note and a bunch of pills,drugs gifted by that one man he hates the most. Maybe it’s the only good thing that comes from his toxic relation with Mitchell. 

And sure, maybe if Virgil was really rebellious he wouldn’t take the chance, just to say one more “fuck you” to Mitchell. But Virgil is tired. As simple as that. He doesn’t have energy to fight anymore. He just wants to leave it all behind. His problems with university (he is not the brightest student after all). His non-existential relationship with his parents. His tendency to fall in love with the wrong guys… Virgil has always been good at running. A survivor and a runner. So why wouldn’t take a chance and just reach the final line already?

The winter, cold sun’s rays sneak into Virgil’s room through thick, purple curtains but for the first time in years, he isn’t annoyed with that. Virgil reaches out and his fingers tangle into a tender fight with the delicate threads of the sun. Light kisses his pale hands. Dark veins with hot blood run under his skin spread the warmth across his body. Virgil smiles to himself, still watching his fingers. 

He doesn’t have much planned for today. Except of his death of course. He just wants to enjoy the day for once. Voice lets Virgil push itself aside, the only trace of its presence is a faint giggle that echoes in Virgil’s head. 

He isn’t not delusional. He knows that Voice still directs and has control over his every move but today it’s Virgil choice to feel whatever he wants. 

Lazily, he tugs the blanket around his boney shoulders and, with a cold shiver running down his spine, Virgil gets up from the bed. The fresh air breaks into the room, as he opens the window ever so slightly. The world smells like old tires and winter’s breath. Even more sun sneaks into the room. Virgil once again examines his fingers and skin on the hands. It seems to be glowing.

“I’m a fucking  _ Twilight _ vampire.” he says to himself and shakes his head. “To think it’s that easy to become an immortal... you simply gotta stay on the edge for your whole life. It actually makes sense…” he rambles to himself, making his way to the kitchen.

The house is empty. Patton, Logan and even Roman left, leaving Virgil behind. He was supposed to be left behind from the very beginning. He didn’t even feel bad when Patton was bidding his goodbye. Ha, Virgil even made himself smile back at his fatherly friend. That was an accomplishment. 

And he also promised Logan another chess match as soon as he comes back. It was easy for Virgil to tell a lie like that. It felt natural and the muscles in his face didn’t flinch at all.

Saying goodbye to Roman was the hardest part. Like a child clinging to their mother’s skirt, Virgil didn’t want to let Roman go. And he wanted to hug him, just that one last time. But he didn’t. It was better this way. This way Roman will never know that Virgil has feelings for him. And Virgil will never find out if Roman confession was a sick joke or dream-like truth. It was better for both of them.

Feeling very excited today, Virgil spreads the jam on his toast. He wouldn’t allow himself to eat it on any other day but since it’s his last toast…

For the first time in months, it tastes divine.

He puts his favourite playlist and turns up the volume. 

This day is the day of his funeral.

_ \--- marking line: read at your own risk --- _

It’s not that Virgil has been feeling extremely depressed recently. If someone asked him about his mood, he would most likely say that it’s “shit as fuck but stable”. But deep down he know that it would screw up soon enough. It’s worth to take a chance from the world when the solution was literally slipped into his pocket. Virgil knows that sooner or later he would consider dragging the blade across his wrists deep and hard. Again. It’s not like he hasn’t spent hours fantasting about that before. So why not do that in much more sophisticated way? Taking pills from Mitchell will make less mess than bleeding out in his room. 

Virgil’s not stupid at all. So for the last week he has been restraining himself from making any new marks on his body. He doesn’t want to look like a pathetic suicidal kid in his coffin. His body is almost nice and almost smooth. Almost.

His fingers twitch to touch the pocket of his jeans. He can feel the pills even through the thick material. He has learnt how they look like by heart - round, white and clean. The most boring pills on earth but Virgil doesn’t mind.

He flops on the sofa in the shared room and turns on the tv, humming a melody along with the song. There’s no rush in his movements as he pulls out the phone and sends a text to the housekeeper of his parents’ house that he won’t be able to make it on “family dinner” tonight. He doesn’t even bother to check the answer when the screen lights up. 

First hour passes by, then another and another and Virgil simply lets the time roll. It doesn’t feel like every minute is bringing him a tad closer to his end. For him, it’s just a good day when the Voice is calm and quiet and he can do whatever he wants.

After watching a couple of silly shows, he turns the tv and music off and heads to his room. Everything is silent except of his steps echoing in the hall. It’s a good silence though. It’s a friend of his lazy gestures and empty mind. It’s a companion in the loneliness and an ally in the fight with fate. Virgil enters his room quietly. The atmosphere here is even more soothing. And Virgil thinks that maybe this is what the sailor feels after the stormy night, when he looks at the clear line of horizon. Calm.

He doesn’t realize when he presses “call” on the screen of his phone. He doesn’t even realize when did he dial the number.

“Virgil?” Elliot asks surprised, “Is everything alright?”

Virgil sucks in his breath. Even though he was the one who called, somehow he didn’t expect to hear Elliot’s voice. He quickly wipes the tear that started running down his cheek.

“Virgil? You’re making me worry.” repeats Elliot.

“Oh yes, sorry about that.” Virgil replies, lying down on his bed.

He glances at the clock. It’s 3 in the afternoon. He wasted most part of his last day on watching fucking cartoons.

“So?” Elliot asks, “What are you calling for? Did anything happen?” they sound worried and Virgil brings his knees up to the chest. It was not his intention to make Elliot worried.

“I, um, I just wanted to tell you…” he starts, afraid that his voice will start cracking any time soon.

“Yes, Virgil?” Elliot encourages him softly.

“I wanted to… ekhem… Merry Christmas!” blurts Virgil suddenly. More than a joyful season’s greetings, it sounds like an angry growl but the most important thing - Virgil tells himself - is that he doesn’t sound panicky. 

“Oh. Well, happy holiday to you too, I guess…” says Elliot after a moment of silence. They’re surprised but Virgil doesn’t hear any hint of suspiciousness in their voice. He mentally sighs with relief. 

“Yeah…” Virgil scratches the back of his head, fighting the nausea in his stomach. He knows that to avoid any confusion, he should hang up soon. But nothing seems suitable. Nothing seems good enough to be the last words he gets to say to his best friend. 

“You know, Virgil. I gotta go for now, okay? Call you in the evening? Maybe?” asks Elliot hesitantly and only then Virgil realizes that besides of their voice, he can also hear the vivid street-life sound coming from the other side of the line.

“Yes! Yes, you course! Thanks!” Virgil replies and quickly hangs up before Elliots says their ‘bye’. Virgil supposes that he wouldn’t be able to take that ‘bye’, not today. 

He shivers. The room is too loud from memories and thoughts. He needs to get out as soon as possible. Swiftly he pulls on a jacket and leaves the flat, making sure that he locks the door. 

In full honesty, Virgil has no idea where he’s going. He just lets his own feet choose the direction. He’s just a mere follower. 

It’s a very cold day. The wind scratches Virgil’s cheek. It feels like the weather was marking him with small cuts. Something that he has denied himself for the sake of people who will find him. 

On the contrary to the morning, sun doesn’t feel warm nor welcoming now. It’s just as cold as the wind. It’s just as cold as death, Virgil realizes and fixes his gaze on the ground. 

Pills in his pocket are much heavier now. They burn the hole in his jeans and it seems to him that every person that passes him by, knows exactly what Virgil is up to. He ducks his head lower. He doesn’t need judgement today. Never needed that.

Every step brings him closer to That. Just a few hours ago, he was completely okay with saying “That” out loud and now he is not even able to  _ think  _ of That. But he has made his decision. It’s gonna be better for everyone is he will simply let go. 

When the first street lamps turn on, Virgil decides to come back home. He can’t look at the ground anymore as his own shadow seems to be mocking him. 

_ “It hurts the most when a part of your existence, turns against you.” _

The staircase is icy cold. So is the balustrade. Everything is raw: Virgil’s emotions, the tiles on the ground, the walls. Raw, raw, raw. 

_ “When does raw become pure? And what makes ‘raw’ disgusting?”  _

Virgil unlocks the door and enters the dark apartment. 

_ “The time has come.” _

_ \--- second warning : things get dark here --- _

His stomach twists painfully and Virgil bites his lips. It’s worse than the worst panic attack. Nothing in him seems familiar anymore because let’s call it as it is - if it was truly him, if he was truly himself, would he decide to kill himself?

Purple bangs fall on his eyes because he is not sure he can look ahead of himself. Looking ahead means seeing future and Virgil shouldn’t see the future. It’s a never-to-come for him. He crouches next to the wall, suddenly completely drained from strength. He crouches next to the door leading to his room. He crouches between the door to his and to Roman’s room. 

He doesn’t feel well. He doesn’t feel well at all. It’s like he has just eaten a lot of fat things. As a precaution, Virgil puts a hand over his mouth. Just in case. But instead of vomit all the comes out is a ripped sob. 

“Oh, my, god…” he cries out with the most squeaky voice. He hates this voice, it makes him feel small and vulnerable while he is not. He’s a survivor.

_ “More like a runner.”  _

“That too.”

Shakily, despite the nausea, Virgil gets up on his soft knees. Right now, he is very aware of the fact that he is mostly made out of water. If he cries all of it out, then maybe he won’t have to do what he is about to do. He could die of dehydration. 

“Oh my god…”

His fingers for a small moment brush against the doorknob leading to Roman’s room. It’s empty. Both the room and the body that touches the doorknob. Virgil takes away his hand. Air pierces his lungs but if he wants to make it to his room, he  _ has  _ to breathe. Slowly he repeats an old breathing technique, by counting to 4, 7 and 8. He repeats that at least a couple of times until he is ready to once again open his eyes. He is not afraid of looking ahead of himself this time. Because he knows exactly where the “ahead” is for him. 

Room is grey. Not purple, nor black. It’s grey. It doesn’t remind Virgil of anything. The room died before he did. What an irony. He settles on the top of his bed and puts the six pills on the night table next to him. They are the lightest thing in the room and Virgil has to turn away his eyes. The drugs are too white for his eyes apparently because he can feel the tears pricking in the corners again. Too white for his eyes. His fingers start drumming against his knees. 

_ “Why wait? Do it now?” _

Maybe something got into Virgil’s eyes earlier too because he can still feel the tears in his eyes. He blindly tries to find the bottle of water standing on the night table. It doesn’t take long. Less than 10 seconds.

The liquid is frigid in his throat, running slowly until it reaches his stomach. He can feel each drop, gently scratching his gullet. This day is all about scratching. Scratching the remaining traces of his life of the world.

He gulps exactly four times before another wave of guilt and nausea hits him. 

“Four surely are enough, right?” he asks two remaining pills. He has no idea what exactly are those drugs and how they work. But if Mitchell gave them to him then there is no doubt that they are very harmful. Especially considering the note. “ _ You know what to do _ ” it said.

Virgil puts his hands on his stomach and curls into a small ball. His heart is beating so hard that it physically tortures him. Even the blood running through his veins seems to be filled with poison - eating his body from the inside. He sobs loudly, not caring about the sounds he makes. Not anymore. He is crying out of pain, not sure if it’s the pills what causes it or if the agony is in his head. He doesn’t care about it either. 

World in front of his eyes is smudged like an eyeliner under his eyes. So he lets his eyelids fall down.

Funny enough that he can see everything now. Rare smiles of his parents stained with fakeness. Sheets of paper spread in front of him, covered with notes and lyrics and pride. Flashing colours. Elliot’s hand holding his hand and warmth. Remy’s shades resting on the table and friendship. More flashing colors. Teddy bear in Elliot’s attic and hugs. Patton’s cookies and sweetness. Logan thinking of the next move at chess and intelligence. Roman. Roman. Roman. Colours. Colours. Colours. And love.

Cold, trembling hand hits the night table painfully, trying to reach the phone. Just one last time… Surely it wouldn’t hurt right? One, last, time.

He dials Roman’s number for the first and last time in his miserable life.

And it answers almost instantly. 

“Hey. It’s Virgil.” Virgil breathes out and laughs quietly. “But maybe you know that already, don’t you? You have my number, right? Roman.” he adds quickly, the anxiety speaking through him. It’s not even that he’s speaking, more like vomiting out all the words. “Roman, Roman, Roman.” he repeats three more times. It sounds wonderful.

“Virgil?” asks the person on the other side of the line. It’s definitely not Roman. It’s female’s voice. “I’m Mercy, Roman’s sister. Give me a moment, I will give him the phone.”

Virgil breathes in what seems like a tonne of air. 

“No, there’s not need to. Never mind. Bye.” he yelps into the phone and hangs up. His breath hitches rapidly. That was a bad idea. Very bad idea. He sure hopes that Mercy won’t let Roman know that the emo garbage has called the prince. Nononono…

The phone lights up, showing Roman’s name,

“I won’t pick it up.” says Virgil out loud. He picks up the phone anyway.

“Virgil?” Roman’s voice is slick, elegant and everything that Virgil’s shattered nerves need right now. 

“Yhym…” he hums, not trusting his own voice.

There’s a short pause and for a moment Virgil assumes that Roman has just ended the call.

“Are you at home?” Roman asks finally.

“Uh, dorms, yeah.” 

“Are you alone?” comes another question.

Virgil nods before cringing at himself. Roman can’t see him after all, “Mhm.” he hums again.

Another, this time longer pause. Virgil’s heartbeat sounds in the room and in his ears. Has his heart slowed down or is he delusional? He looks at the two remaining pills.

“Do you want me to tell you how was my day?” Roman suggests softly. 

“If you want to…” mumbles Virgil, curling into even smaller ball, buried under the blanket. The pain is almost completely gone and he feels that his eyelids are getting heavy.

And so Roman starts his story. He tell Virgil how happy he was to see his family the day before. He rambles about the amount of gossips his sister told him. He complains about the work that his mother made him help her with. He laughs at the jokes his father told him. And everything Roman says makes Virgil feel warm inside. His hands are shaking but not in a bad way. 

_ “Excitement sounds like a good last feeling.” _

The reality starts bending slowly and the lights flicker in front of Virgil’s face. And he feels that his consciousness is starting to drift away from him gradually. It’s like he was on an island watching the last ship sail away from him. And it doesn’t hurt him anymore. It doesn’t hurt him until he hazily hears Roman’s next words:

“Hate me for that but I kinda wish you were here too you know…”

Virgil heart metaphorically splashes the blood all over his ribs, exploding with childish happiness.

“I wish you were here because what I said to you… back then… it was true, Virgil…” Roman’s voice is careful, almost timid but oh, oh, how beautiful.

And Virgil tries to open his lips, he tries to say something but his vocal cords refuse to listen to him. A loud laugh erupts in his head. He feels like screaming. Not yet. No, not yet!

“Virgil?” asks Roman, panic speaking through him.

But Virgil can’t answer. His last ounces of consciousness are still trying to fight but it's a lost fight. Virgil feels like crying but he doesn’t have power to do so.

“Virgil? Are you still there? Virgil?!” Roman is shouting now. Virgil regrets calling him. He didn’t want to make him worried. He just wanted to hear Roman’s voice.

“Virgil?!?”

It’s ironic that the last thing Virgil hears is his own name.

And it’s ironic that his last thought is: 

_ “I changed my mind.” _

 

_ \--- the explicit scenes are over --- _

 

**Roman’s POV**

 

It took Roman way too long to understand that something’s not right.

“I’m an idiot, oh my god Virgil, please stay with me if you’re still there!” he screams to his phone, hot tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.  _ Virgil has never called him after all! _

He calls Patton, begging for Elliot’s number at 8:42 p.m.

He calls Elliot, crying at 8:49 p.m. 

Elliot calls him at 9:23 p.m., they are sobbing and say something about hospital.

A minute later Roman learns that they found Virgil.

Roman gets in his car at 9:26 p.m.

Elliot calls him again at 9:54 p.m., they are still crying. Roman steps on the gas.

At 10:14 p.m., Roman Prince runs into the hospital.

He gets to see Virgil’s pale body shortly before midnight. At  11:53 p.m.

Virgil gets to see crying Roman at 5 a.m. the following day.

“Oh god. I screwed bad, this time.” is the first thing Roman hears coming from Virgil. It’s 5:02 a.m.

The next thing is “oh god, you’re choking me” as he holds Virgil in tight embrace. It’s 5:03 a.m. 

But it feels like a beginning of a new era to both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Early Christmas everyone :")
> 
> And remember - suicide is NEVER THE ANSWER. IF you feel that you need help NEVER HESITATE to reach out for it. People DO CARE. believe me, speaking from authopsy. 
> 
> IF you need an advice on how to deal with depression feel free to hit me on tumblr too - @royallyanxious at your service.


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